Adoptive Parents Missing the Obivous

I copied many of the replies from this post on the FB Adoptive Families Page a couple hours after it had linked to this post: “AFTER DECADES OF PAIN, MOTHER REUNITES WITH SON GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION IN WYOMING 51-YEARS AGO”

 

Continuing on from: Hey, that’s how I’ve always felt…

Continuing on with the previous (post) about not having the words or the ability to recognise specific challenges that link to being adopted. But first off for those thinking not everything is related to being adopted, you’re right, it’s not.

But when it is, it is. 

 

Dealing with loss

Everyone will be challenged by losses in their lifetime, some more than others.  How we cope, adjust, is uniquely based on our personality, learned coping skills, lived experiences, and our support system.  I’m ever thankful for the many adoptee communities that abound today, they are making a difference for many who were alone, who wondered if it was just them that felt that way, or couldn’t figure out why they reacted to things differently.  Adoptees finding their communities is beautiful to behold.  What is still lacking is an understanding from some (perhaps even many) in the other two sectors in adoption, as well as adoption professionals, even if it is better, it is not good enough, and in some ways deeply lacking.

 

Adoption hierarchy and stereotypes

I’ve been re-watching the series Newsroom and the last episode I watched was where Will is in jail for contempt and is having a conversation with an imaginary cell mate.  The conversation ended with Will saying McKenzie was smarter than he is, and I started thinking about gender stereotypes, marriage, biases, and how we’ve been conditioned by society that woman are the weaker sex, not as strong, brave, or smart.  How I’ve dealt with that in my personal life, and yes, I’ve bought into the stereotypes and biases from time to time, or ensured I framed my words to keep ego’s intact, other times, not so much.  I am still a work in progress.

 

Memories…

When I was two, I fell down the stairs and landed face down on the cement floor of the basement.  I lost a front tooth.  I screamed, cried, and carried on until dad picked me up and carried me back up stairs.  I have flash memories of falling down the stairs, hitting the floor, dad carrying me back up holding me on his left side.  What dad was wearing is also part of that memory.

 

The push and pull…

I’ve done lots of thinking during the last few months.  Mostly about family, the good, the bad, and sometimes – downright ugly.  Funny thing happened just now when I typed that last sentence, I imagined some readers making assumptions about what I meant just then, what ‘type’ of adoptee I am, having just written that. 

 

Another post of links…

By TAO

Round up of posts and articles that have caught my attention recently and gave me something to think about…

 

I obviously didn’t get that memo…

Apparently, times have changed and no one sent me the memo…that the statement below is hurtful and ignorant…according to those on Adoption: Share the Love Facebook page.

“Adoption is a great option…but only in cases where there are no capable and willing biological parents.”

What I take from that, is that if that saying is hurtful, or ignorant, some actually think it’s perfectly fine to give your baby away…even though you are capable (ability and means to raise a baby) and willing (want to parent to that child)…

 

One reason conversations between Adoptive Parents and Adoptees fail…

By TAO

A discussion was/is happening on Creating A Family post that featured an adult adoptee comment on another post.  Confused?  Dawn received a comment by an adult adoptee from a closed adoption on whether open adoption was a good thing.  I think many adoptees have thought about it, I certainly did.  I joined the conversation and yet it took a while, and many comments later – for some to understand what I was saying.  Of course, that is one of the reasons I blog is to get my complicated, contradictory thoughts to make sense to others and that takes time, reflection, revision…  Anyway…

 

Why is adoption still mired in secrecy?

By TAO

If you are on Facebook, then I’m sure you have seen pictures of adoptees holding up signs detailing their search to know who they were born to be, or posts seeking information.  Adoptees reduced to putting their personal information, and private story out there for any, and all, to see – only because they were adopted, and being adopted took away the most basic human right of all – to know who you were born to be.

 

Real Adoption

By Shadow

After reading TAO’s recent post, where she talked about triggers, I suppose you could say, it triggered me. Here I am, the less vocal one, once again speaking up. In her post, TAO spoke of how the term “real” can be a trigger for some adoptive parents. It is a word that also seems to be a trigger for many adoptees, and others in the triad as well. Oh, the stories I could tell, the explanations I could give, not to mention, discussing my own personal feelings on that particular word in adoption, could keep me typing for days. I have so, so many, “real” adoption experiences of my own with that word, it would, undoubtedly, be a post unto itself. I, really, don’t want to go there today, but?

 

Terms that trigger deep dark feelings of unworthiness…

By TAO

It’s funny how we all have our trigger words, words that punch us in the gut and make us feel bad.  With adoptive parents it seems for many that “real” is that trigger word, for first mothers there are many words that make them seem invisible, or worse, just a means to an end.  For some adopted, illegitimate bothers them, where bastard doesn’t and they wear it proudly.  Others don’t like either term.  Some like myself, prefer to use the term illegitimate because it is an accurate legal term that describes the fact that I was born to a mother who was unmarried.  To me it carries no stigma or unworthiness, just a definition.  I don’t like the term bastard, it brings up bad connotations about the person, it becomes personal.