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We need to change how adoption is viewed.

I struggle to contain my anger when an adopted child’s entire world is taken away from them, I can’t explain in any cohesive way how devastating just the thought of it happening is, nor can I contain my outrage for the industry that placed them in that home.

On Harlow’s Monkey is this article that she was asked to contribute too, about the current story that is reverberating through the adoption community.

Adoption is complicated—and the Myka Stauffer controversy proves it

Personally, I want the National Council for Adoption to weigh in, to task themselves with the challenge of changing the harmful narratives of adoption is beautiful, adoption is love, all those sappy sentiments the adoption community and public recite by rote; and return to the basic premise that finding the right home for a child who needs one is the most important aspect in adoption.

I’m still to upset to even begin to expound on the story, how it highlights the problems with how adoption is viewed both inside the adoption community and in the public’s eye.

If you comment, you can be angry, but please remember to remain civil.

A post from a while ago that links to many posts on the problem of oversharing which this story shows the view when it is taken to the extreme.

“It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali”. It’s a noun loosely translates to “to be greater than another”. Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principal of nkali: how they are told, who tells them, when they are told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.”
Chimanda Ngozi Adichie – “The Danger of the Single Story”

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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When Will Adoptive Parents Learn?

I’m not the first adoptee to speak up against adoptive parents oversharing their child’s adoption story, nor will I be the last. We routinely speak up on this issue and have for years. This is a Do Better subject dear to many of us. This is also a Respect Your Child subject we think you should care about. We have lived a lifetime of being adopted and know all too well the consequences for the one adopted, and by extension, all adoptees when adoptive parents overshare their child’s private stories. (do feel free to assume a #not-all-adoptees-feel-that-way.)

This post is courtesy of the latest rendition of oversharing an adoptee’s story on-line, the most recent adoptee video that’s gone viral. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Triggers in adoption

I think everyone has triggers that can immediately set you off. I have them, although the older I get, the less I seem to care about the ones that intrude on daily life, more of a it is what it is and move on. Yet, I still can’t do that with adoption triggers, they sit with me, sometimes I’m not aware they are still there until the next time they show themselves. This post is mainly about one adoption trigger; and it’s a ridiculously ignorant adoption meme going around on general and adoption FB pages. Read the rest of this entry »

 
18 Comments

Posted by on October 5, 2019 in Adoption

 

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From 2018: For Prospective/Hopeful Adoptive Parents

You may have been told to put yourself out there, pass along your adoption profile, get friends and family to pass on the message that you want to adopt. This has been a standard for a long time.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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You need to respect the gravity of all that adoption is

You know what? This isn’t cute. This isn’t funny.  Read the rest of this entry »

 
8 Comments

Posted by on February 12, 2019 in Adoption

 

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Sisters separated

I’ve posted this story elsewhere of sisters who were separated and adopted into different homes; the response was typical, shallow best describes the reaction and that’s the problem I see within the adoption community when it comes to the adoptee. Whatever the back story is for the one adopted, even if egregious, people in the adoption world typically only offer how lucky they were to find each other. Read the rest of this entry »

 
3 Comments

Posted by on January 17, 2019 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Grumpy rant

I’m old and most days can easily become grumpy at the drop of a hat. That happened yesterday on a comment thread on NYT’s FB post of an article. My grumpiness wasn’t over the article, it was good, it was because the PAL crowd got terribly upset in a how dare you way and we demand you fix it, and fix it now (which the NYT did)

Their issue in the headline: Given up for adoption…  Read the rest of this entry »

 
21 Comments

Posted by on September 2, 2018 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Dealing with loss

Everyone will be challenged by losses in their lifetime, some more than others.  How we cope, adjust, is uniquely based on our personality, learned coping skills, lived experiences, and our support system.  I’m ever thankful for the many adoptee communities that abound today, they are making a difference for many who were alone, who wondered if it was just them that felt that way, or couldn’t figure out why they reacted to things differently.  Adoptees finding their communities is beautiful to behold.  What is still lacking is an understanding from some (perhaps even many) in the other two sectors in adoption, as well as adoption professionals, even if it is better, it is not good enough, and in some ways deeply lacking. Read the rest of this entry »

 
7 Comments

Posted by on August 6, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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The Art of Not Oversharing your Child’s Story or Troubles…

I’d been lulled into complacency thinking that adoptive parents had finally understood that sharing all the gory details of their child’s story to the world, wasn’t in the best interests of the child.  Then I stepped out of my self-selected adoptive parent blogs and groups I follow, and with one click, that complacency evaporated… Read the rest of this entry »

 
9 Comments

Posted by on April 3, 2017 in Adoption

 

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End of the year…

The last few years I’ve tried to post links to 12 different posts for the end of the year.  This year, I’ve been struggling with what to post.  There were stellar posts everyone should have read, or should read, that’s not the problem. Read the rest of this entry »

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 31, 2015 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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When did this become acceptable?

By TAO

I checked my email this morning and one of the emails had a link to a blog post.  If anyone wants to understand why some of us do not like how adoption is practiced today – this is a perfect example of why. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2014 in Adoption

 

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Synonyms, Semantics, who cares…

By TAO

Fair warning this post is snarky; but you will understand why I’ve started it this way with an analogy if you read to the end:

I’ve decided that I’m going to use the term adopter instead of adoptive parent from now on – they are synonyms of the other, so they mean the exact same thing…who cares that some adopters become enraged, others feel demeaned, or feel that it is a derogatory term.  It’s easier for me, and they should just get over it, because I know other adopters who don’t care and use it themselves…

Read the rest of this entry »

 
22 Comments

Posted by on September 6, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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