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Author Archives: TAO

About TAO

Just someone who likes to talk about what interests me.

Adoption Isn’t Normalized?

Yesterday, I read a post written by a birthmother who doesn’t think adoption is considered normal in society, and needs to be normalized, and also needs to be normalized for adopted children too.

So please, either take the survey or leave a comment on what you think, and if you’d be so kind, if you are adopted was it always your norm, if you’re an AP is adoption your child’s norm.

 

 
17 Comments

Posted by on July 9, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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What adoption shouldn’t be.

Long-time adoption agencies and lawyers have been dealing with adoption for decades, nothing new there, except they now compete, co-exist with an ever expanding list of *new and improved* so-called adoption service providers who call themselves consultants, whose goal is to get you (a hopeful adoptive parent) a baby, and fast. Read the rest of this entry »

 
11 Comments

Posted by on July 5, 2020 in Adoption, Uncategorized

 

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At the end of the day, it is what it is.

Longtime readers know I think the world of my folks. You also know I’ve alluded to challenges of an older sibling in different posts. Read the rest of this entry »

 
7 Comments

Posted by on June 30, 2020 in Adoption, Uncategorized

 

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Bitter? You called adoptee’s bitter?

This thread on FB is well worth your time: Yes I’m Adopted. Don’t Make It Weird.

If you don’t know who they are, they are two adoptees who cater their message to adoptive parents. I’ve only watched a couple of their video’s and they just aren’t my cup of tea, I find them flippant, dismissive, surface level and skirt any deeper feelings, and that doesn’t go well with me, it may be your cup of tea. Whatever. The above thread linked is because they used the old trope adoptive parents use when they don’t like what an adoptee says by calling the adoptee bitter:

As an adoptee you can choose to be bitter or better. Both are justified, one is just better for you.

Nope, you don’t get to call adoptees bitter, you just don’t.

Grab a coffee and dive into a really good pushback and to their credit, they took it. The pushback is not only because they called adoptees bitter, but because they lumped every adoptee into an either/or narrative that remains static. The message also assumes any adoption related feelings are once and done, instead of the reality that adoptees will process being adopted throughout their lives when their lived experiences trigger them.

We aren’t puppets, we are human.

 
13 Comments

Posted by on June 28, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Changing how we view adoption

I’ve been pondering on adoption today and how it has become something I don’t recognise anymore. Adoptions from my era (BSE) had a host of problems, but how they’ve fixed them, largely, only seem to benefit the other players in adoption, not the child. Read the rest of this entry »

 
6 Comments

Posted by on June 27, 2020 in Adoption

 

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It’s the little things that create connections

Not long ago I was told that a flower I grew and loved, was also a flower grown and loved by my grandmother.

A grandmother I never met. Read the rest of this entry »

 
9 Comments

Posted by on June 24, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Reflections and more

The last few months have offered me endless amounts of time for reflection and for honestly assessing the life I’ve lived. I’ve looked at the challenges I met head on simply because there wasn’t any other choice. As of now, I’m embarrassed about some choices I’ve made on this journey and thankful for others; the experiences I’ve had and came out stronger for. I still have experiences that haunt me; ones I’ve never voiced, that just sit there just under the surface waiting to reappear every time I’m feeling vulnerable, those are the ones I haven’t found a way to make peace with and doubt I ever will.

Read the rest of this entry »
 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 11, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Listen

I’ve been struggling with everything that has been happening lately; so many emotions are coursing through me hearing so much palpable pain and anguish in each personal story being told.

This time is a long overdo moment in our collective history, and I hope the marches, the conversations happening right now bear everlasting fruit and lasting change. It has to.

My role is to listen. To listen to the stories being told right now, to believe them, that is what is important to me right now.

Do better, be better, it’s long past time for change.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on June 7, 2020 in Adoption, Uncategorized

 

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We need to change how adoption is viewed.

I struggle to contain my anger when an adopted child’s entire world is taken away from them, I can’t explain in any cohesive way how devastating just the thought of it happening is, nor can I contain my outrage for the industry that placed them in that home.

On Harlow’s Monkey is this article that she was asked to contribute too, about the current story that is reverberating through the adoption community.

Adoption is complicated—and the Myka Stauffer controversy proves it

Personally, I want the National Council for Adoption to weigh in, to task themselves with the challenge of changing the harmful narratives of adoption is beautiful, adoption is love, all those sappy sentiments the adoption community and public recite by rote; and return to the basic premise that finding the right home for a child who needs one is the most important aspect in adoption.

I’m still to upset to even begin to expound on the story, how it highlights the problems with how adoption is viewed both inside the adoption community and in the public’s eye.

If you comment, you can be angry, but please remember to remain civil.

A post from a while ago that links to many posts on the problem of oversharing which this story shows the view when it is taken to the extreme.

“It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali”. It’s a noun loosely translates to “to be greater than another”. Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principal of nkali: how they are told, who tells them, when they are told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.”
Chimanda Ngozi Adichie – “The Danger of the Single Story”

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Are you a HAP hoping to adopt?

If yes, this post is for you. If you see yourself reflected below, do better, be better, because that’s not the moral standards an adoptive parent needs to have. Read the rest of this entry »

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 15, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Told Not To Tell The Child They Are Adopted?

There seems to be a persistent myth that adoptive parents of my era (the BSE) were told by adoption professionals not to tell their child they were adopted. That just isn’t true and the sheer number of adoptees from my era who know they were adopted disprove it. Were there parents who didn’t tell their child? Yes. But that wasn’t because they were told by adoption agencies not to tell; they made a decision not to tell on their own, or they just kept putting off telling because it wasn’t the right time and the right time never came. Telling was the standard and widely practiced or there would be far more LDA’s (Late Discovery Adoptee) with the sheer number who do DNA tests now. Read the rest of this entry »

 
9 Comments

Posted by on May 8, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Reflecting

I’ve been reflecting on how easily I adapt to whatever is thrown in front of me. At the same time, I also feel bad that I simply adjust the wind in my sails and continue on while other’s around me struggle so much. I’m not saying I haven’t have moments of panic or bouts of fear about getting sick, because I did, still do at times, especially when the other half had to do the self-isolation stint. Read the rest of this entry »

 
22 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2020 in Adoption

 

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