The feelings of loyalty that I feel (and expect others feel in varying degrees) can play a significant role in how we talk about our adoption experience; both to our parents throughout our lives, and as adults to others. I’ve wanted to talk on this subject for a while, but worried, I couldn’t tease out a cohesive post explaining why I think it happens. This is my attempt to explain many of the different factors playing into it that I see around me.Read the rest of this entry »
Author Archives: TAO
I think one of the hardest aspects to accept is knowing my missing pieces, will always be missing.
Where was I before I was adopted?
Did I stay in hospital the whole time?
Or was I moved to a foster home as I was told?
How was I treated, wherever I was?
Who cared for me?
Was I just left in a crib to cry it out?
Or was I given something to keep me quiet?
And if yes, is that why I cried non-stop for months if not held?
Why did the state not have a non-identifying report for me?
Why did the story given to mom and dad not match the story my aunt told me decades later?
Why does it all matter so much to me many decades later now that I’m on the downhill side of life?
Yesterday, my old post on “The Chosen Child” showed up in the stats, a post from way back in 2011, one that was a 5 video series from the 1960’s in NY on adoption and adopting that I’d found on YouTube. YouTube isn’t a place I go to except for music, but thought maybe there were videos worth sharing. So I went to look and landed on a page with a video by an Adoptive Mother about 5 Things She Didn’t Know About Adoption before she’d adopted that she wanted to share. She seemed pleasant enough, so I sat through her discussing the 5 things she’d wished she’d known before adopting. Below isn’t what she said, just my scribbled one-liners of each point she talked about. I’m not linking to it as it appears she’s written a book all about it, which seems to be the reason for the video…Read the rest of this entry »
It’s been a weird summer here on the West Coast after a very wet and chilly spring, summer started out just okay, and now, with a blink of the eye, it’s almost fall and we are finally getting hot weather.Read the rest of this entry »
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what I read about ‘open adoption’ in online adoption groups that focus on domestic infant adoption.
- Some include a set number of phone calls or face time per year, with or without actual contact.
- Some have one visit a year for a set number of hours in a local park, or other local setting.
- Some have no contact at all, not even what would be considered semi-open, but they do know the Mother’s name.
- Some only send updates to the Mother once, maybe twice a year, it’s also often a one-way street.
- Some have wide open adoptions where there are no set number of visits, nor number of updates, they just become part of a bigger family.
From 2015 – lightly edited and additional note at the end.
Imagine what it would be like if those challenged by infertility, or pregnancy losses were split into two groups. One group grappled with the very deep feelings of pain, inadequacy, losses that were directly caused from not being able to have children. The other group would include people like me who when I was ready and wanted to have another child, couldn’t have one because I waited too long, adjusted quickly and continued on. That doesn’t give me the right to dismiss how others feel who can’t have children, I’m not them, they aren’t me. It doesn’t give me the right to blame how they feel on their genetics, how they were raised, how positive or negative they are naturally. I don’t get to mock them to make myself feel like I’m better, or stronger, or more well-rounded.Read the rest of this entry »
Seeing as Safe Haven has become a point of interest to many, thought it time to repost this post (below) on Revolving Cradles. Skim parts of this post if you must, but pay attention to what they figured out worked better than Revolving Cradles (now called Save Haven Boxes) across Europe in the mid 1800’s.
I’m struggling writing this in anything close to a cohesive post so you have my apologies in advance and if I get anything wrong, I’ll fix it and apologize again. According to the article linked below, my reading is that adoption may be the best thing ever for a child because adoption agencies and a adoption law firm say as much when you only look at the quotes the author pulled from one of their articles on their website. And only one of the linked articles speaks to any of the challenges adoptees have to process, adjust to, and hopefully move through (or not), and that post I read in full came from a website called aptparenting.com. I read it because I’d never heard of them.
The rest of the quotes in the article linked below came from posts from Adoption Agencies and a Law Firm that also does adoptions. I have chosen to link to the posts the quotes come from, but not use the words quoted in the article.
And as you read the article linked below, notice that not a single Adoptee Voice was to be heard in an article about Adoptees.Read the rest of this entry »
Post from 2013 that was very personal for me to write, and one that I think is worth reposting now so people adopting today, and in the future, will try to walk in the shoes of the first family too. Also, read the comments on the post linked below, because they complete the picture I tried to paint.Read the rest of this entry »
Take the time to read the full article above and then we can talk about it. Personally, I’ve never met an adoptee who hasn’t been schooled on how grateful they should be to be adopted; how lucky they are because they could have been aborted, yada yada yada. You’d think by now that society would recognize the harm caused by growing up under that umbrella of should be dictates, and even as an adult, still being treated like children by random strangers once they know you’re adopted, or even worse, challenged by Adoptive Parents and wanna be Adoptive Parents…Read the rest of this entry »
Today on the FB posting of the Washington Post – Dear Carolyn.
“Dear Carolyn: Hi Carolyn, I am 45 and recently found the daughter whom I gave up for adoption when I was 16. My childhood was very traumatic and dysfunctional, therefore I knew that I couldn’t raise her properly or provide the best for her.