The feelings of loyalty that I feel (and expect others feel in varying degrees) can play a significant role in how we talk about our adoption experience; both to our parents throughout our lives, and as adults to others. I’ve wanted to talk on this subject for a while, but worried, I couldn’t tease out a cohesive post explaining why I think it happens. This is my attempt to explain many of the different factors playing into it that I see around me.Read the rest of this entry »
Tag Archives: loss
I think one of the hardest aspects to accept is knowing my missing pieces, will always be missing.
Where was I before I was adopted?
Did I stay in hospital the whole time?
Or was I moved to a foster home as I was told?
How was I treated, wherever I was?
Who cared for me?
Was I just left in a crib to cry it out?
Or was I given something to keep me quiet?
And if yes, is that why I cried non-stop for months if not held?
Why did the state not have a non-identifying report for me?
Why did the story given to mom and dad not match the story my aunt told me decades later?
Why does it all matter so much to me many decades later now that I’m on the downhill side of life?
Yesterday, my old post on “The Chosen Child” showed up in the stats, a post from way back in 2011, one that was a 5 video series from the 1960’s in NY on adoption and adopting that I’d found on YouTube. YouTube isn’t a place I go to except for music, but thought maybe there were videos worth sharing. So I went to look and landed on a page with a video by an Adoptive Mother about 5 Things She Didn’t Know About Adoption before she’d adopted that she wanted to share. She seemed pleasant enough, so I sat through her discussing the 5 things she’d wished she’d known before adopting. Below isn’t what she said, just my scribbled one-liners of each point she talked about. I’m not linking to it as it appears she’s written a book all about it, which seems to be the reason for the video…Read the rest of this entry »
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what I read about ‘open adoption’ in online adoption groups that focus on domestic infant adoption.
- Some include a set number of phone calls or face time per year, with or without actual contact.
- Some have one visit a year for a set number of hours in a local park, or other local setting.
- Some have no contact at all, not even what would be considered semi-open, but they do know the Mother’s name.
- Some only send updates to the Mother once, maybe twice a year, it’s also often a one-way street.
- Some have wide open adoptions where there are no set number of visits, nor number of updates, they just become part of a bigger family.
Seeing as Safe Haven has become a point of interest to many, thought it time to repost this post (below) on Revolving Cradles. Skim parts of this post if you must, but pay attention to what they figured out worked better than Revolving Cradles (now called Save Haven Boxes) across Europe in the mid 1800’s.
Post from 2013 that was very personal for me to write, and one that I think is worth reposting now so people adopting today, and in the future, will try to walk in the shoes of the first family too. Also, read the comments on the post linked below, because they complete the picture I tried to paint.Read the rest of this entry »
Take the time to read the full article above and then we can talk about it. Personally, I’ve never met an adoptee who hasn’t been schooled on how grateful they should be to be adopted; how lucky they are because they could have been aborted, yada yada yada. You’d think by now that society would recognize the harm caused by growing up under that umbrella of should be dictates, and even as an adult, still being treated like children by random strangers once they know you’re adopted, or even worse, challenged by Adoptive Parents and wanna be Adoptive Parents…Read the rest of this entry »
Today on the FB posting of the Washington Post – Dear Carolyn.
“Dear Carolyn: Hi Carolyn, I am 45 and recently found the daughter whom I gave up for adoption when I was 16. My childhood was very traumatic and dysfunctional, therefore I knew that I couldn’t raise her properly or provide the best for her.
The more I learn from other Adoptees lived experiences, the more I realize that my folks were the anomalies, rather than, the norm. And it makes me ever so sad other Adoptees had to deal with all they did on top of all that being adopted brings to their doorstep. Some of the differences are minor, some are so much bigger.Read the rest of this entry »
Adoption is a man-made institution that was designed to ensure children aren’t left homeless and/or parentless. What it isn’t, is an institution that magically creates ever-lasting bonds between a child and parent, if it was, rehoming would not occur, dissolutions would not happen, all types of abuse (including the rare death) would never happen.
But all of those things do happen and so much more that isn’t talked about outside of adoptee circles.Read the rest of this entry »
My Auntie reached out to me this morning via email; it matters to me more than I can say. We aren’t in contact regularly, but enough that it’s an Auntie/Niece relationship that is not just friendly, but warm and inviting, despite it being mainly via email. She sees me as part of the family, as the elder she makes sure I’m not left out and includes me in any family news. She’s also keenly aware I don’t know many family members so she makes sure I know who she’s talking about when she has some news about someone in the family.Read the rest of this entry »