Is there any way an adoptee can truly be fully honest to others about their deepest feelings about being adopted? To me, it doesn’t seem possible, at least for many of us who feel the weight of loyalty to protect one or both families over our truths. Or because we want to protect a fragile or new relationship with a member of our family by birth. It silences us. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just that many of us never will be able to, instead, we ignore our needs to give voice to the harder experiences and deep dark feelings we’ve been through – even in relatively anonymous spaces. Invisible strings seem to hold us back from telling our stories in-depth, a needed telling to finally find release and maybe even some peace. Read the rest of this entry »
Tag Archives: loss
The start of #NAAM brings up so many mixed emotions, including where I see myself now with such a mix of amazingly brilliant adoptees now speaking up; their digging deep and being far more open and real than my personality allows me to be. I’m thankful for every one of them, you should be too. Find them, follow them, learn from them. Amplify their voices, share their posts, listen to their lived experiences and the wisdom they’ve gained. Read the rest of this entry »
Lori sent me on a never-ending quest to see if I could come up with a list of 5 songs I couldn’t live without in my life. It was the rabbit-hole that never ended; it was also good hitting all the old bands and singers and just listening to the music created in my youth, the music that stirs something deep inside of me.
Music was my saving grace during my teen years when I was struggling so very much with being adopted, doing things I now regret and often wonder how I made it through alive. I didn’t think I’d survive and sometimes I didn’t want to. Music got me through the angry, the hurt, and the pain most of all. Songs written during an era of deep unrest and upset.
That music has gotten me through every rough period of my life.
I gave up my quest to whittle down my favorite songs to a list of just 5 songs. I can’t because so many helped me survive those years and again later in my life each time when I needed them again. Listening to them again during everything going on right now has helped, a fragile time if there ever was one, while at the same time – one after the other pulled me back in time to all those feelings, and at times, it felt like I was watching a home movie in my mind. Damn. I came to the conclusion I can’t create a numerical list of all time favorites because each one is special and connected to memories. If I had to pick just one song to have, it would be Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I can’t tell you why, but every time I hear even a few notes of the song, I am pulled in and everything else recedes.
(Lots of online discussion on adopting due to the recent SC nominee so it seems timely to re-up this post and hopefully make some think)
Readers know I don’t use the term ‘adopter’ lightly, and it applies only to a few out there. I read a very disturbing post today by someone with infertility, who is pro-life and also wants to adopt. I was ready to rebut her post, it felt good writing thoughts down, but it wouldn’t have done any good. Instead, I decided to write this post, perhaps she’ll read it, or someone just like her. Perhaps it will trigger reflection, perhaps not, but I’ve tried in the kindest way I know…
She’s not ready to adopt…
(Not an adoption post.)
Been wondering how everyone has been faring lately in a year filled with pain and suffering for so many both from the pandemic and racial injustices. I find myself asking if all the trauma, pain, losses endured this year by so many – will we have learned anything?
Will we treat each other better? Read the rest of this entry »
When did it become okay to treat Adoptive Parents as the enemy? Yes, they benefit from how adoption is currently practiced and many of the practices are wrong anyway you look at it, but the question remains – when did it become okay to be nasty for the sake of being nasty?
Maybe I’m just too old to understand.
Maybe the other Adoptees are right and I’m wrong.
Maybe I’m right and they are the ones who can’t see that being nasty doesn’t work.
Maybe the world changed; people changed and shaming is the only way to change anything. If that is true then we are all in a heap of trouble with no way to move into a kinder, gentler world. I hope not. Read the rest of this entry »
I’ve been pondering on a conversation my husband and I had the other night, sparked by a question on a game show of all things. Something about how long is too long for your in-laws to visit. Long story short, he didn’t like how mom treated me, how she always seemed to find a way to put me down. Read the rest of this entry »
Of all things, I’ve been sitting here staring at a picture of my father by birth I’d never seen before, and wondering, again, why he was such a coward. And why was he so callous that he couldn’t even take the time to answer a few questions and give me my family health history. I really wasn’t asking much, I didn’t ask to meet him, just to tell me his side of the story and give me my paternal family health history, and we could call it a day. Read the rest of this entry »
Earlier this spring a crow was hit by a car in the road that I live on. I only knew this after I heard dozens of sharp haunting caws piercing the air that called me over to the window to see what was amiss. What I saw is still as vivid in my mind as it was that day, crows, dozens of crows, all perching on branches of several of the tall evergreen trees across the road, all of them cawing constantly, and, in a tone I’d never heard before. I looked around to see what was wrong, and finally, saw what had struck them in such a deep way to bring them all together, there, on the ground in the middle of the street, lay one of their own that had been hit by a car, and now, lay dead in the middle of the road. Read the rest of this entry »
This thread on FB is well worth your time: Yes I’m Adopted. Don’t Make It Weird.
If you don’t know who they are, they are two adoptees who cater their message to adoptive parents. I’ve only watched a couple of their video’s and they just aren’t my cup of tea, I find them flippant, dismissive, surface level and skirt any deeper feelings, and that doesn’t go well with me, it may be your cup of tea. Whatever. The above thread linked is because they used the old trope adoptive parents use when they don’t like what an adoptee says by calling the adoptee bitter:
As an adoptee you can choose to be bitter or better. Both are justified, one is just better for you.
Nope, you don’t get to call adoptees bitter, you just don’t.
Grab a coffee and dive into a really good pushback and to their credit, they took it. The pushback is not only because they called adoptees bitter, but because they lumped every adoptee into an either/or narrative that remains static. The message also assumes any adoption related feelings are once and done, instead of the reality that adoptees will process being adopted throughout their lives when their lived experiences trigger them.
We aren’t puppets, we are human.
I’ve been pondering on adoption today and how it has become something I don’t recognise anymore. Adoptions from my era (BSE) had a host of problems, but how they’ve fixed them, largely, only seem to benefit the other players in adoption, not the child. Read the rest of this entry »