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Tag Archives: loss

The Push and Pull…(2016)

From 2016 The Push and Pull. I wrote this a few months after mom passed and struggling with the waves of different emotions and memories.

I’ve done lots of thinking during the last few months. Mostly about family, the good, the bad, and sometimes – downright ugly. Funny thing happened just now when I typed that last sentence, I imagined some readers making assumptions about what I meant just then, what ‘type’ of adoptee I am, having just written that. 

Although I used the term assumption above, we (everyone in adoption) know it’s true from years of having it proven true. True because of the desperation so many adopting parents have that needs adoption to be wonderful, always.

Nothing is wonderful, always, life always has good and bad components to it.

Getting back to the thinking part of my recent journey. Not just the good, warm memories hit me, bad memories too. Hard deeply emotional personal memories, some I didn’t want to remember, ever.

Good with the bad.

This post is for those who need adoption to be wonderful, always…

You can genuinely be part of your family, love life, just be, and also, mourn deeply for the life you would have had, should have had, all the losses not having that life entails. Too me, it’s a dichotomy. You can love and hate something at the same time.

If you can’t accept that, do some souls-searching on your experiences, pretty sure you’ll find something that makes the penny drop on what I’m talking about. Maybe it will help you understand what it’s like to live this life, being adopted.

The push and pull…

 
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Posted by on March 10, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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#WhyILoveAdoptionChallenge

Probably a sweet idea created with the best of intentions by an agency. Probably something those who are adoptive parents would want to do, it might even lift spirits in this hard time we are all struggling through. So, I get it, I truly do, I hope it helps those who need a lift up. It’s also incredibly simplistic and unrealistic, not to mention disenfranchising to many in adoption. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Yes, My Folks told us we were Adopted and talked about it freely.

The article posted below by an adoption agency is inaccurate, read further to understand why it’s inaccurate.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2021 in Uncategorized

 

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Dear Adoptive Parents and Adoption Agencies

Upfront, I’m leaping to the conclusion that one of yours (APs) felt the need to complain to twitter about an adoption meme. A meme that was pretty tame if I do say so myself.

A meme that had to have been created by adoptee.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
16 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2021 in Adoption

 

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Birthdays & Names

If you are adopted…

And adopted shortly after birth… Read the rest of this entry »

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 2, 2021 in Adoption

 

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It’s strange what triggers me to dig deep

I was having a frustrating afternoon yesterday trying to get a new phone purchased, and ended up waiting in a never-ending line to talk to a customer service rep in hopes of getting my problem solved. So I jumped on twitter to distract myself and saw the quote below, and it spoke to me in a way nothing else has in a very long time. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Podcast – Adoption: The Long View

Just listened to Lesli Johnson being interviewed by Lori on Adoption: The Long View podcast. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Heaviness

Heaviness

There’s a heaviness to everything right now that weaves itself into every aspect of my life. A heaviness I haven’t felt for years. There are times when I find myself just sitting in my chair and watch my thoughts shuffle through my mind, none sticking, rather, they are gone the instant my mind randomly shuffles to the next thought. All I know is this isn’t my normal, my normal is boringly normal, not heavy, not carrying a level of fear like it is now, I haven’t had this level of fear simmering just below the surface of every waking moment since I had my health events. Read the rest of this entry »

 
24 Comments

Posted by on December 29, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Adoptees don’t all think or feel alike.

I finally signed up for instragram, still don’t understand why people like it or even know how to navigate through it. And no, don’t look for me there because I struggle just to keep current here, just so you know where this came from. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Being Honest as an Adoptee

Is there any way an adoptee can truly be fully honest to others about their deepest feelings about being adopted? To me, it doesn’t seem possible, at least for many of us who feel the weight of loyalty to protect one or both families over our truths. Or because we want to protect a fragile or new relationship with a member of our family by birth. It silences us. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just that many of us never will be able to, instead, we ignore our needs to give voice to the harder experiences and deep dark feelings we’ve been through – even in relatively anonymous spaces. Invisible strings seem to hold us back from telling our stories in-depth, a needed telling to finally find release and maybe even some peace. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 9, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Looking back, looking forward.

The start of #NAAM brings up so many mixed emotions, including where I see myself now with such a mix of amazingly brilliant adoptees now speaking up; their digging deep and being far more open and real than my personality allows me to be. I’m thankful for every one of them, you should be too. Find them, follow them, learn from them. Amplify their voices, share their posts, listen to their lived experiences and the wisdom they’ve gained. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 2, 2020 in Adoption

 

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What’s your favorite song?

Lori sent me on a never-ending quest to see if I could come up with a list of 5 songs I couldn’t live without in my life. It was the rabbit-hole that never ended; it was also good hitting all the old bands and singers and just listening to the music created in my youth, the music that stirs something deep inside of me.

Music was my saving grace during my teen years when I was struggling so very much with being adopted, doing things I now regret and often wonder how I made it through alive. I didn’t think I’d survive and sometimes I didn’t want to. Music got me through the angry, the hurt, and the pain most of all. Songs written during an era of deep unrest and upset.

That music has gotten me through every rough period of my life.

I gave up my quest to whittle down my favorite songs to a list of just 5 songs. I can’t because so many helped me survive those years and again later in my life each time when I needed them again. Listening to them again during everything going on right now has helped, a fragile time if there ever was one, while at the same time – one after the other pulled me back in time to all those feelings, and at times, it felt like I was watching a home movie in my mind. Damn. I came to the conclusion I can’t create a numerical list of all time favorites because each one is special and connected to memories. If I had to pick just one song to have, it would be Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I can’t tell you why, but every time I hear even a few notes of the song, I am pulled in and everything else recedes.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on October 31, 2020 in Adoption

 

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