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Adoptive Parents Missing the Obivous

28 Feb

I copied many of the replies from this post on the FB Adoptive Families Page a couple hours after it had linked to this post: “AFTER DECADES OF PAIN, MOTHER REUNITES WITH SON GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION IN WYOMING 51-YEARS AGO”

FB responders were fast and furious…showing none of them had clicked on the link Adoptive Families page had linked too.

“Please. It’s placed for adoption, not given up for adoption.”

“yes! Positive adoption language, people! They make a plan, they don’t give up.”

“I was just coming here to say this. You think they would know better.”

“yes, you would think these people would know the correct language!”

“Or we could be graceful, people say it in different ways, not better, not worse…just different”

“sorry not sorry I expect more from a magazine that is “dedicated” to Adoption!!!”

“there are MANY people that say it this way, you expect more why? because that is your preferred way of saying it…. doesn’t make it right or wrong..either way….”

“Not all children adopted were “placed” for adoption though.”

“exactly… it is all about different perspectives and circumstances”

“I expect more from a publication that is supposedly dedicated to adoption and it’s not about “my way” I am pushing for the language I have seen and heard adoptees express preferring…I can’t force anyone to change their thinking but I can express an opinion just as you have. We don’t agree on this and I am fine with that.”

““Given up”?!?!?! 😡😢🥺

“They need to totally get with the times and use correct verbiage.”

“There’s so much else in this story to comment on. Really.”

***************

That “placed” and “made a plan” is highly important to many adoptive parents is obvious in the rash of furious posting done by AP’s, all without even reading what the headline said that made it obvious it wasn’t an Adoptive Families article, rather an article from a newsite.

And it makes me ask why.

What is so important that the words “made a plan” and “placed” mean so much to you? I’d urge you to consider why that’s important to so many, but a father being screwed out of parenting isn’t and you only offer a it’s his fault as an excuse. Or the challenges of being an adoptee spoken of that’s met with I know many adoptees who love their parents, love being adopted, I’m sorry you had a bad experience but not all…

Are your priorities so wrapped up in you, that you need to protect yourself with language so you won’t question whether your child’s mother really made a plan or had no other choice. How much bank do you put on that she didn’t want to parent so chose adoption vs. she had no choice?

I’m leaning to it bothers you that you could have adopted a child whose mother did not want to lose her child, that you need the language to confirm that for you.

Do better before you adopt.

Get to know the expectant parents and have frank conversations with them, put your needs away and work to gain their trust and ask them, what do you need to parent. Listen to their answer, are they looking you in the eyes, are they really on board with not parenting, or merely swimming against a tide they don’t have the ability to win against. If it is the latter, then even if she/they made an adoption plan and placed, it wasn’t a choice because it was her/their only option.

Then ask yourself if language really matters when there is only one choice.

P.S. Placed and made an adoption plan is not going to stop the child from feeling rejected, or given up, unloved, or any of the other versions of why didn’t my mother want me we come up with. We all go through it, it’s one of those ‘it is what it is’ parts of adoption and being adopted that you can’t stop the one adopted from experiencing.

 
29 Comments

Posted by on February 28, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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29 responses to “Adoptive Parents Missing the Obivous

  1. swiftabc

    February 28, 2021 at 10:13 pm

    Language holds tremendous power and emotional weight. Sometimes it isn’t to protect the child’s sensibilities that presses people to prefer a particular style of language; sometimes Positive Adoption Language is used to sanitize, obscure. and deny the emotion and pain out of the communication being shared. Language can create blindness as well as clarity. In order to expose adoption complexity, recognize the genuine pain, grief, and loss experienced by adoptees–in order to accomplish that level of deep validation we must use words that compel us to see the truth, the pain, and the distress adoption exacts.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      February 28, 2021 at 10:18 pm

      Thank you, agree with all. Worries me the focus on the language over everything else.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  2. beth62

    February 28, 2021 at 10:47 pm

    “To know that I was taken from her that she didn’t want to give me up, that just made a humongous difference in how I felt about about being adopted,” said Rusty.

    I’m very happy for them!!! He looks so much like his mom, and brother too 🙂
    And Amen Rusty! I felt the same way when I found out I was taken, it’s a good feeling, the truth. Adoption is so beautiful.

    These are the times, when all of history is of no real regard. Say whatever you want if it makes you feel better.
    This is why I don’t do facebook, etc., too much babyfied brain pollution for me.

    I guess hearing Taken For Adoption, taken from a minor mother for adoption, didn’t upset anyone at all. It still happens today, along with closed records, must be a positive thing?

    I’d guess the offended ones wouldn’t be interested in reading such an article anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      February 28, 2021 at 10:57 pm

      Really good article and appreciated his candor in his response. It’s true, so true, all the difference.

      You’d be a good on FB Beth, no one would dare try to shush you, you have a way of explaining that leaves no room for negating, and you have your boys (hi guys :)).

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • beth62

        March 1, 2021 at 12:21 am

        I promised those guys and gals I would not LOL they all say it wouldn’t go well – for everybody else. 😀 I’m pretty sure I’d get booted quick. I try to behave here, out of respect, and you see how well that goes. :/ I just want to blow up that facebook page, I got no respect for a bunch of damn selfish sissified entitled word twisting adoption selling know it alls, none. 🙂 I’d love to give a true hard days work to those weak controlling ones.

        I’m glad most of mine are way too busy with business, home and family to do much of that anymore. They’re all in a panic over fuel prices now :/ Makes a Huge difference in the price of a beet 😦 huge. Everybody better save up.
        Netflix and Hulu has me hooked anyway, spending all my gigabytes there. Just started watching the first episode of Nomadland. Getting a big kick out of that – just got permits for our new mountain campground and extremely affordable housing neighborhood 🙂 I’m so excited, and it was so much cheaper and easier here, than… the other one. We break ground Tuesday!!!!! Hoping this show may help somehow, gonna binge it tonight.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • beth62

          March 1, 2021 at 2:33 am

          Yay, it was a movie. And it had beets hahaha

          Like

           
          • TAO

            March 1, 2021 at 4:08 am

            Beets, I love beets but I remember a friend of ours who hates beets, wish she’d surface.

            Liked by 1 person

             
          • beth62

            March 1, 2021 at 9:03 pm

            The actress in that movie, Frances McDormand, was adopted. Now it’s just getting too weird for me lol too many coincidences at the moment. Like Nomad, campgrounds, my people and beets weren’t pushing the limit already!

            Like

             
          • c b

            March 1, 2021 at 10:18 pm

            Did you know that beetroot is popular in hamburgers here in Australia? I’m not a great fan of them myself although the fresh beetroot is definitely better than the tinned stuff.

            Like

             
            • TAO

              March 2, 2021 at 12:10 am

              Mom canned beets, they were good. I usually see beets in jars not cans – maybe it makes a difference?

              Like

               
              • cb

                March 2, 2021 at 11:34 am

                I just looked up canned vs fresh and apparently the nutritional value is similar.

                I love the “works” burgers themselves (i.e. burger with the lot), I just can give or take the beetroot –

                https://www.gourmettraveller.com.au/news/food-and-culture/australian-burger-ingredients-17102

                To be a burger with the lot, it should have the beef patty, egg, beetroot, bacon, pineapple lettuce, tomato, onion and barbecue sauce. I have to be honest, I personally can do without the bacon. Pineapple also seems to be optional these days.

                Like

                 
            • beth62

              March 2, 2021 at 5:54 am

              I’ve heard that. Is it like a thick slice of beet on a roll with lettuce, etc., like a hamburger? We have cooked them like that on the grill. I’m not so wild about it. Somebody made a grilled beet and mushroom burger, I’d call it a dirt burger LOL that’s what it tasted like.
              I am kind of picky with beets, and spoiled. They need to be tender, sweet, and much smaller than burger sized.
              The ones I’ve bought from the grocery store, in a can or a jar, or even fresh, just aren’t the same as “real” ones.
              I guess I think that way about most veges tho. Cause they just aren’t.
              When I preserve my own, in a can or jar, they still aren’t the same as the ones I buy at the regular grocery store.

              Like

               
              • cb

                March 2, 2021 at 11:35 am

                Ingredients in the reply above.

                Like

                 
        • TAO

          March 1, 2021 at 4:07 am

          Sounds like you are going to be busy this summer, affordable housing plus camping – you go girl, you are all changing the world for the better. One day you can explain beets and what that has to do with the price of fuel. Cheers

          Like

           
          • beth62

            March 1, 2021 at 4:51 am

            All of the vehicles take fuel, to plow, water, harvest, transport. And many of the people that do all of that work have to drive to it to do it, which means a fair increase in pay.
            Those blasted evil beets simply refuse to jump out of the dirt and walk to the market, or the food bank, same as all of their lazy vegetable friends 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

             
          • beth62

            March 1, 2021 at 5:50 am

            Promised my daughter I wouldn’t move anybody in with me at my new place, sooooo problems solved! I shouldn’t be too busy, it’s a big giving group of brilliant people effort. This unrestricted area of the world makes it easy. It doesn’t cost that much to build a house, bath house, or a campsite, if we already have all the stuff and equipment (that runs on fuel) to do most of it, and you’re not looking to make a living at it or a whopping profit. You’d be surprised how many talented people want to work for a free and safe place to park their home. You’d be surprised how many people will sell their old house and/or donate land if you build them a comfortable house better suited for old age on it, in a pro-business community with young people that want to help them 🙂

            Like

             
            • TAO

              March 1, 2021 at 2:42 pm

              You made my day.

              Like

               
  3. beth62

    March 1, 2021 at 3:00 am

    I’m fairly certain being taken for adoption feels way better than – being placed for adoption, made an adoption plan, a choice, given up, put up, surrendered, relinquished – for most people who’ve had to be adopted.
    It certainly does lessen the rage toward mother, and redirects it.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      March 1, 2021 at 4:10 am

      Very true and wise.

      Like

       
  4. c b

    March 1, 2021 at 10:31 pm

    I”m much more interested in hearing a bmother’s full story than whether she uses the *right* language or not.

    I am always going to have more time for bmothers that at least had the desire to parent than those who had absolutely no desire to parent.

    I am also going to have more time for articles written by bmothers who focus on their child rather on the adoptive parents.

    As for the “placed/made an adoption plan” language, it seems designed to just *skip over* the relinquishment.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      March 2, 2021 at 12:13 am

      Very true re your last sentence.

      Like

       
      • cb

        March 2, 2021 at 11:39 am

        Also, you hear both APs and newly minted bmothers emphasising using “placed”, “made an adoption plan” as if that is the end and be all that will make any story sound OK.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          March 2, 2021 at 2:23 pm

          Until they realize it isn’t – whether years or days down the road.

          Like

           
    • beth62

      March 2, 2021 at 5:27 am

      Is ‘led to believe’ a more positive term than ‘brainwashed’?

      I have to wonder if these new parents believe what they say, or they just want to believe it?
      It’s just odd how upset some get with, whatever term they don’t like.
      It is what it is, is the term I’ve seen most adoptees eventually find.

      I completely understand what they are trying to do for their kids, and for Adoption.
      I wonder if they understand?
      My parents led me to believe what they thought to be positive for me ideas, all with good intentions.
      Much of it backfired on us eventually.
      It took us all a while to… ‘find more truth and acceptance of it is what it is.’ (is that more positive than ‘realized we were being used to sell Adoption to All’?)

      I also know that that kind of belief simply doesn’t always last so long. It can be a hard crash. A person who is adopted today will hear all of those terms, and many of the story lines, eventually. Many will explore it looking for more truth for themselves, with or without their parents.

      I guess I believe that people who are Adopted often are of the most forgiving kind.
      And hardly that fragile, if they are to survive it. It worries me, raising a fragile adoptee is not a good idea at all 😦

      Liked by 2 people

       
  5. Tiffany

    March 2, 2021 at 9:01 pm

    It seems the adoptee perspective (also known as the most important one) is being completely overlooked here. APs obviously prefer the “placed” and “made a plan.” For mothers who had their children removed or experienced coercion or felt they didn’t have a choice, those words aren’t truthful.

    But what about the adoptee? Why no room for the feelings of abandonment? Why don’t we discuss that despite pretty words, the baby grows into a human who might feel that they were just a transaction or that they were discarded without concern. Those may not be the true feelings of the mother, but we still should be centering the adoptee in all of this. PAL does not center adoptees but instead makes APs feel better and shifts away blame from both them and the birth parents (who even if coerced, there is often still a need for a reckoning for an adoptee with their birth parents).

    (I’m an AP)

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      March 2, 2021 at 11:19 pm

      You know me Tiffany, I prefer reality over fantasy every time. I also see trauma in a babe losing their mother within seconds of being born. And then more trauma that is different that necessary care by the team at birth, the continued separation. Not saying the mother would want or could soothe, but the absense just slays me.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  6. Franceen George

    March 7, 2021 at 9:48 pm

    Soooo, I was sold for 10K in the Black Market. My new parents (new words to describe that situation!) testified to US Congress and helped the FBI and Montreal Police arrest and convict the lady that was selling babies from a wretched, filthy, hovel where scared, desperate pregnant unmarried women ended up by enticement by “scouts” in the streets looking for pregnant women. I never knew the whole story until last year at age 68! I have had “separation anxiety” my whole life – at least since I accidentally found out I was adopted at age 14. I am not offended or hurt or anything by WORDS that describe situations, people, etc. in adoption. JUST WORDS. The situation and the facts surrounding the situation remain no matter what words are used to describe it. I have never felt abandoned, given up, placed, planned, unloved, etc. I was born in a hovel, my mother almost died, my new father (a Dr.) got her medical help, took me, paid the 10k, and my life began. It was a wonderful life, full of love, niceties, education, good things. I suffered some hard times, turbulent times for a year or so when I found out – I felt betrayed by my parents – they had lied to me and I had unwittingly lied to others about my origins. I got over it – reconciled with my parents. And last year I found my original family and will meet about 20 of them soon! (COVID willing). I have been told some stuff about the situation surrounding my original mother’s pregnancy, relationship to my original father and I’m sure I will learn more when I meet them. I have no negative feelings for what my mother did – at least not consciously. I am very curious more about her and her personality, looks, traits, etc. than I am about why she did what she did. All 4 parents have passed now – I have a 1/2 sister and a 1/2 brother – one on paternal side and one on maternal side – and many many cousins to talk to about my original parents.
    So the whole point of my posting: I’ve been binge watching “This is Us” – a tv show with about 5+ seasons. It is emotional, makes me cry and the adoption in it is really a wonderful story that addresses many social issues in and out of adoption. All seasons are available, at least they are on DISH – probably elsewhere. Watch it, you won’t be disappointed!

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      March 7, 2021 at 11:27 pm

      I’m happy for you to meet your new family, sounds like it’s a big family – may the meeting go well, remember to take pictures.

      I’ve heard good things about the show, they had adoptees offering input so that may be why it has turned out the way it has. Not sure if I will ever watch it, we’ll see.

      Like

       
  7. Robyn C

    March 25, 2021 at 3:12 am

    “What is so important that the words “made a plan” and “placed” mean so much to you? ” – I can only speak for me, and my family’s situations.
    Part of it is, basically, your PS: Wanting my kids to know that their birthmothers didn’t “give them up”, that they weren’t unwanted, etc. Even if those words won’t wash away the feelings they may have, it’s something tangible I can do to maybe lessen them. And I realize that may be wishful thinking.
    Another part is that I know DS’s birthmother doesn’t like the term “give up” and I’ve met other birthmoms who also dislike the term. So, it’s out of respect for them, especially my kids’ birthmoms, that I use “placed”.
    But I do recognize that “placed” isn’t the term that everyone prefers, and there are certainly times when “placed” wasn’t what happened.

    Like

     

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