FB responders were fast and furious…showing none of them had clicked on the link Adoptive Families page had linked too.
“Please. It’s placed for adoption, not given up for adoption.”
“yes! Positive adoption language, people! They make a plan, they don’t give up.”
“I was just coming here to say this. You think they would know better.”
“yes, you would think these people would know the correct language!”
“Or we could be graceful, people say it in different ways, not better, not worse…just different”
“sorry not sorry I expect more from a magazine that is “dedicated” to Adoption!!!”
“there are MANY people that say it this way, you expect more why? because that is your preferred way of saying it…. doesn’t make it right or wrong..either way….”
“Not all children adopted were “placed” for adoption though.”
“exactly… it is all about different perspectives and circumstances”
“I expect more from a publication that is supposedly dedicated to adoption and it’s not about “my way” I am pushing for the language I have seen and heard adoptees express preferring…I can’t force anyone to change their thinking but I can express an opinion just as you have. We don’t agree on this and I am fine with that.”
““Given up”?!?!?! “
“They need to totally get with the times and use correct verbiage.”
“There’s so much else in this story to comment on. Really.”
That “placed” and “made a plan” is highly important to many adoptive parents is obvious in the rash of furious posting done by AP’s, all without even reading what the headline said that made it obvious it wasn’t an Adoptive Families article, rather an article from a newsite.
And it makes me ask why.
What is so important that the words “made a plan” and “placed” mean so much to you? I’d urge you to consider why that’s important to so many, but a father being screwed out of parenting isn’t and you only offer a it’s his fault as an excuse. Or the challenges of being an adoptee spoken of that’s met with I know many adoptees who love their parents, love being adopted, I’m sorry you had a bad experience but not all…
Are your priorities so wrapped up in you, that you need to protect yourself with language so you won’t question whether your child’s mother really made a plan or had no other choice. How much bank do you put on that she didn’t want to parent so chose adoption vs. she had no choice?
I’m leaning to it bothers you that you could have adopted a child whose mother did not want to lose her child, that you need the language to confirm that for you.
Do better before you adopt.
Get to know the expectant parents and have frank conversations with them, put your needs away and work to gain their trust and ask them, what do you need to parent. Listen to their answer, are they looking you in the eyes, are they really on board with not parenting, or merely swimming against a tide they don’t have the ability to win against. If it is the latter, then even if she/they made an adoption plan and placed, it wasn’t a choice because it was her/their only option.
Then ask yourself if language really matters when there is only one choice.
P.S. Placed and made an adoption plan is not going to stop the child from feeling rejected, or given up, unloved, or any of the other versions of why didn’t my mother want me we come up with. We all go through it, it’s one of those ‘it is what it is’ parts of adoption and being adopted that you can’t stop the one adopted from experiencing.