An Adoptee on twitter made an observation that summed up the reality for many adoptees and I can’t find the tweet. Argh.
The gist of it was even if you get the names of your mother and father to compile your ancestral history, you are only finding names, dates, sometimes places, and yet, there is nothing to tell the story of who they were, what they did, their quirks, beliefs, family tragedies, what they excelled at, what they loved doing most, let alone their family stories they should have passed down to you; all told around the dinner table, or sitting in front of the fire.
Instead, you are left with nothing to create a living history to tell you why you are who you are, what traits you have that your ancestors also had. You also don’t have stories of what they endured, what they celebrated, what they mourned.
Instead, you truly are just a blank slate.
The older I get, the more it bothers me that generation after generation adoption has done this to adoptees. And sure, you can say we have open adoptions now, which is true, but how many of those “open adoptions” blend the child’s two distinct families into one big family? How many open adoptions have get togethers where memories and stories are shared to the ones adopted from their families by birth?
Mull on that, do some research and dig deep to do your best to remove your interests from your answer.
Family Stories: Collections of Narratives Revealing Family Identity – Patricia Amason
From 2014 – I finally know – it’s long but worth the time and may explain the post above better if you are new to my musings.
The adopted ones blog 
beth62
January 22, 2024 at 2:20 pm
I’ve questioned it for myself, explored it in any and every way. I’ve thought about it in depth and throughout all of the rabbit holes that those thoughts can lead to. For 60 years. I feel qualified to answer this question. I’m severely educated and confident with my answer.
I believe I have determined for myself that I was not a blank slate when I joined my new parents home. I can say that with great confidence, today.
Also, I have discovered several times that I can mostly erase, or at least rewrite nearly all of what others have written for my story to be for me. Those things that I do not choose to accept as my story, those things that can be changed that I want changed, I can change. I can even edit my own story daily, by editing myself before it gets written! Might take a while to find some of the tales out there and rewrite what’s important to you. Or it can take a split second sometimes, but it’s entirely possible. I decided to make my own story. If I don’t tell it, others will tell theirs’ and that is all that will be known of mine. Mine would just be some incomplete part of other people’s history. Letting people in to see it, or read it while I’m living, is a whole different thing I think lol
Other’s have included me in their tales, but their story is not mine. Regardless of my age, their slate may have been blank when they began their chapters of me, but mine was not. I am the only one who can truly know and tell my story as I know it.
I did not take my first breath on this planet as a blank slate. That simply has to be the first line in my book.
I feel like I dug up a couple of states to finally find the proof, with a shovel. I’m still tired, I’ve rested for a couple of decades and have given up hope I will ever be rested up or recovered from that project.
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TAO
January 22, 2024 at 7:17 pm
I’ve been in a mulling phase, trying to remember things that happened during the dark days. I do have good memories too, mainly centered on Dad and Grandma.
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beth62
January 25, 2024 at 2:43 am
‘Tis the season to mull.
The dark days.
When we were not blank slates, but we were treated like blank slates.
Dark ages be gone, my todays would still be dark if I didn’t find the light switch myself. The state of WV is still in the dark ages, I’m still treated like a blank slate by them. It’s a disgusting thing to see in this day and time. The ownership aspect of it is blatant to me.
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beth62
January 22, 2024 at 2:35 pm
I’ve been talking with some older teens who grew up with “open” adoptions. Two of them, twins, knew their bio family. They spent a weekend together every summer at the beach, their adopted family hosted it.
You know that uncomfortable cold, sometimes even scary or medical biological feel it can all have to it sometimes? That was the biggest feeling they shared with me. They get along fine with everyone, the relationships seemed okay, considering. But that forced feeling and the cold one was all too present for them. They are now beginning visits on their own, it’s much different, more “real” they say. And of course new things to discover…
I’m very curious about how it all can work out in the long run.
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TAO
January 22, 2024 at 7:15 pm
The Long Run – so true. I do think it’d be strange to go visit your family by birth, maybe not so much if it wasn’t a scheduled thing – the 2 visits per year thing. I can hope it helps, but I think that really depends on the AP’s…
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beth62
January 23, 2024 at 12:16 am
Even tho I never experienced it, I can understand the many ways of awkward and uncomfortable it could be, especially with my AP’s, who would never entertain such a thing, even when I was 50.
Everybody seems pretty cool in this situation, thankfully. A lot of it seems to pop up for the twins anyway tho. Especially at this time when it’s pretty much up to them to do their own communicating with all of their parents. Except for the whole family weekend thing, which really does look like it helped some, with a lot of it, as miserable as it may have been for them sometimes lol. Likely for them all! I can’t see where it would be easy for anybody, even after years. I think it really takes a lot of confidence in your position, enough not to feel threatened at all, To be secure with where you stand in it all, whereever it may be, to pull it off well. If that makes any sense. Plus,18 year olds are not known for such confidence in the world, they are known to begin to try and figure that out and find it! I think the changes in communications, between the adoptee and the parents in their lives, are a huge deal to an adoptee. Probably more than anyone notices right off, even the adoptee. Yeah, it’s a big deal for the adoptee. Lots for any adoptee to mull on…
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Jill Daviau
January 28, 2024 at 9:45 pm
I so appreciate this post. Much in the same way I believed that reunion would “un-adopt” me somehow, or at least heal the trauma of relinquishment, I was sure that once I had names, and number of siblings people had, etc., I’d instantly feel like part of my family. But instead I felt nothing. Because you’re right–names don’t tell stories. I know several adoptees have become their bio family genealogist, but I feel nothing.
My paternal grandfather fought in WWII in Africa, caught polio, and recovered in India. One of my cousins wrote a memoir, complete with pictures, about his war experiences. I felt nothing, because this wasn’t my grandfather … nothing except jealousy, of course.
When my bmom and I reunited she showed me a picture of a recent family reunion they had. I was in wonder, staring for the first time at the faces of my bio family. Then my bmom squealed, “It was great! We were ALL there!” Ouch. Told me all I needed to know.
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
January 28, 2024 at 11:20 pm
When I found my son I was well-prepared. Months of reading and talking with others in the adoption triad. The best advice was “hope for the best but be prepared to be disappointed.” Reunion is a process that can take many months or even years. In most cases, there are feelings of loss on both sides. Reunion can bring both pain and joy. I do not regret searching for my son!
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TAO
February 1, 2024 at 5:06 pm
That would devastate me. Thankful I had an aunt who was waiting to welcome me home. My half-siblings wanted nothing to do with the bastard. One turned around, but building a relationship hasn’t happened.
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
February 1, 2024 at 8:35 pm
I am sorry you were disappointed. I’m sure you are not alone in feeling that way.
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beth62
February 9, 2024 at 5:20 pm
I got smacked with the blank slate yesterday. The convo began with talking about identity, as many do. You would think in this day and time of “identity”, especially from those that are strongly and publically supporting freedom of identity ideas that this adoptee blank slate theory would be easily understandable. But apparantly that adoptee blank slate is real, and usually correct thinking for them. That myth is still in there deep, they are in their early 30’s and completely free to be whomever they choose.
I was told that I do not have the freedom to choose my identity in this case, due to “honor thy parents”. “um, does it say somewhere which parents/family to honor? Or all parents, or no parents?” And really? Only some are priviledged to freedom of identity?
They said I must comply unless my adoptive family did me harm, then I can dump them and ignore any connection there. And if my bio family harmed me, i am to ignore that connection too. I don’t think that is “honor.” Honor isn’t that easy. Of course they lost it when I pointed out the human ownership part of it. Still they say, different, it’s much different than “regular people” choosing their identity. What the holy hell!!?! They had me pinned to the wall, I said everything I’ve ever said about the human blank slate theories, and it made no difference at all in their beliefs. Hated every bit of it, argued it at every turn. Yet death threats occur if I do not believe what they want me to believe about their freely chosen identities.
I quit. I’m done. I give up LOL Thinking about turning into that Get-Out-Of-My-Yard! grumpy old lady. Would be much easier.
People want what THEY want, regardless of how kind and nice they think they are, and will try to twist beliefs to support what they want for themselves. I guess when you are thirty you think you are pulling it off fairly well. When you are sixty, it’s so plain as day to see through lol I think I will freely choose to be happy that I am more than obviously on sturdy ground with this, and hope they will one day find the same. It’s worrisome to see people I care for trying to stand sturdy on such shakey ground in any way regarding their identity. It’s not going to work out well for long. They know it’s shakey and they take the risk for what they want. And they will know when it’s sturdy too, hopefully. I sure did.
So I left the yoga session at the seniors village, it wasn’t very relaxing at all lol. My older friends were staying out of it, and entirely too quiet, not calm and relaxed as is the goal. So, I came back with a box of 15 little bunnies that need to be socialized and set them free in the room. They are so cute and so funny! That may be the best thing I have ever done in my life, I’m doing it everyday from now on! My old people friends were so happy, the longest and loudest yoga session ever. Mostly we just laid there laughing at the bunnies jumping all crazy on and around us.
I really just wanted to tell you about the bunnies 🙂 cause the other thing relevent to adoption and identity just sucked and makes me want to punch confused and kind people in the nose!
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legitimatebastard
February 10, 2024 at 2:36 am
Oh, Beth, I get those death threats, too….
Here is something that may help all of us. I was researching something the other day and this popped up:
“Are You, You? – The MPE Experience
…
Are You, You? The Complexity of Discovering Your Biological Parents”
(I’ll post the link at the end)
This is a new label: MPE.
It basically describes the Late Discovery Adoptee experience. Oh yes, we do feel it, don’t we? Being lied to… and having to defend our feelings for wanting to know and knowing that we were not blank slates…
This is from the article:
“What if you found out you weren’t really you?
What happens when someone discovers their parents aren’t who they thought they were? Because of the rise in consumer DNA testing, this has become a more common experience. Many news articles, books and podcasts are now available on the subject. The term used now is MPE (Misattributed Parentage Experience). This can occur due to an undisclosed adoption, donor conceived child, or when the father of a child isn’t who he was assumed to be. The term nonpaternal event or NPE has been used in the field of genetic genealogy interchangeably, meaning Not the Parent Expected.”
Please read the whole article written by a therapist in Pennsylvania.
Finally, something to validate us!
https://newdirectionspgh.com/counseling-blog/mpe-experience/#:~:text=The%20Complexity%20of%20Discovering%20Your%20Biological%20Parents&text=The%20term%20used%20now%20is,he%20was%20assumed%20to%20be
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beth62
February 10, 2024 at 8:02 am
holy crap legit. “it” has a name
and it’s all lumped together under the same name as it should be
I knew somebody could pull it all together one day
This is gonna take me a minute and more
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beth62
February 10, 2024 at 8:15 am
I think I can wake some people up at 3am to tell them about MPE
I think this means i can shut up now? I can just say, oh honey, you better google MPE.
I’ve watched so many adults get their first taste of it with DNA test matching.
This will help so many people.
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beth62
February 10, 2024 at 2:19 pm
It’s real and “how the experience is dealt with, matters.”
Validation is a spectacular thing.
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legitimatebastard
February 10, 2024 at 3:34 pm
I’ve waited 50 years for this PROFESSIONAL VALIDATION!
All the people who almost killed me with their hate can now just “suck an egg” and hang their heads in shame and guilt.
I stand proud knowing I am NOT the crazy one.
And neither are you, Beth. Nor any other adopted person. Or donor-conceived person.
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beth62
February 11, 2024 at 3:38 am
We are not crazy. And we’ve known it for a very long time, those who have made us doubt ourselves, our very selves, can suck a dozen eggs!
Nor are we wrong. We have every right to explore our identity. Our feelings and beliefs, and the wound these traumas can cause, are real. How we deal with it all truly does matter. It matters to our health and our very being to deal with it and heal where we can.
I can see all of the traumatic stress exposures being put together soon in the same way, if not already, it’s all a part of the same crazy intertwined puzzle for me. I knew DNA tests would change things for us in many ways, this is so interesting. It’s been a long wait.
This feels like a heavy load I can set down now, thank you for sharing that, legit. This might take a while to process lol for real!
It’s all a bit over my head like what I hear from the wounded warriors, all of the slightly different traumatic stress exposures and the disorders they can cause. One said she thinks we share a neurobiological footprint. I have little idea what that is. She said, we both got punched in the same spot, how bad it is and what it takes to try to heal it is a little different for everybody, too. I knew what she was saying.
What a lovely rabbit hole this is now 🙂 I think you are right, I’m standing sturdy and strong with it, as I walk around this newly remodeled puzzle of a place.
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
February 9, 2024 at 7:51 pm
They seem to deny that genetics is part of one’s identity.
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beth62
February 10, 2024 at 2:22 am
It was somehow a little different than that regular genetics doesn’t equal identiy sort of discussions. Hard to put my finger on. Whatever their spin, it was not spinning smoothly and balanced enough for me. There was a heavy spot on their spinner somewhere that I can’t put my finger on lol
It could be the juggler in me, but I need an idea to spin well in all spaces for it to work right for me. I don’t know how else to explain it lol
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legitimatebastard
February 10, 2024 at 3:36 pm
I will post here later with the link to neurological studies done on pre-term babies at birth and full-term babies at birth and their brain development. NO ONE will tell me that we adoptees are Blank Slates. The science of neurology tells us we are wired pre-birth to know our mothers.
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beth62
February 11, 2024 at 6:26 am
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8214870/
Stress, the brain, and trauma spectrum disorders
I think I found something of what my warrior buddy was talking about. I think, it’s above my pay grade lol I want to fit it in the puzzle if it’s saying what I think it’s saying.
I’ve learned a lot from that group, I’ve watched over the years and they have made great progress in understanding things, and healing. I fit right in with them. But. I have a few different kinds of traumatic stress exposures. So it’s a little hard for me to tell what is coming from what when comparing with others. If there were many more others involved, with differing and single exposures, and it was all in a study, I could finish my puzzle and be able to show everybody I am not crazy at all, I just want other people to know about it. A study like that would prove it’s all true!!
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beth62
April 14, 2024 at 3:06 am
TAO, there is a bit of a blank spot here…
Hope you are well. Thinking of you. Miss you!
Wanted to tell you I found a really cool rock in Virginia last week. Two cool rocks really. A B.A.T. (big ass tree) fell down, uprooted, a few weeks ago, a white oak. Was cleaning up some of it and looking at the cool roots. Huge, it was a few times taller than me. There was a big rock about 2 foot square straight under the trunk with roots grown all around it. I started poking at it and it broke loose, another smaller rock fell on my foot. It’s about 8×3 inches, thin and heavy. A tool, very obviously shaped and used for cutting, it’s even still sharp. There were two worn gashes across the top of the big rock that was used like a cutting board. I imagine someone was at the edge of the river cleaning game or fish there, a lot, enough to wear 2+ inch deep grooves in the big rock. It must have been there a really long time, at least since the very early 1700’s. I’ve found many other smaller tools and spear/arrow heads, but nothing like this one.
I can’t quit imagining who touched it last. I’ve spent much time in that spot in the woods myself, a good spot on the river. It’s upsetting, I’m having a hard time setting it down!
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TAO
April 17, 2024 at 7:17 pm
Awe Beth, you have the best adventures, and yes, I love finding things that you’d never expect to find.
I was slowly getting back to the land of living, then hubs came home with Bronchitis – which I also came down with. In the last couple of days I’ve started feeling better. Nothing worse than hacking and trying to breathe at the same time. Will get back into the groove, I promise.
Hugs!
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