Adoption has a history of cutting fathers out of the picture and anyone in adoption reading this post knows it’s been fairly common in infant adoption throughout the years. I haven’t been keeping up on what’s happening in adoption lately, at least not until yesterday that is. In a group that I’d previously believed ensured ethics were front and center and maybe yesterday was just an anomaly, fingers crossed, but cutting the father out by the expectant mother was okay with most commenters. And no, I’m not naming the group.
I believe it is truly unethical for anyone to tell an expectant mother it’s okay to say she doesn’t know who the father is all to avoid telling him he’s going to be a dad. The child’s father matters even if he isn’t the cream of the crop now, people do change with parenthood, different things can matter. And even if he’s not great, his family history and family members are also lost to the one adopted if he is cut out of being known. How would you feel if you were an adoptee and that happened to you? And I’m asking you to really dig deep and think about how it would affect you throughout your life, how it would affect your children, grandchildren.
Telling an expectant mother to pretend she doesn’t know who the father is, when she knows who he is, is lying and it’s beyond the pale for an adoptive parent or adoption agency to even suggest it. There shouldn’t be any lies when we are talking about a baby being adopted, it’s a very serious decision to strip a baby of their history, their family, their identity, just so they can be adopted. Ethics and truth matters.
AP’s telling an expectant mother it’s okay to lie to the father is abhorrent.
Leaving this post below to read just in case you still think it’s no big deal for a child to never meet their mother or father and it’s okay for expectant mothers to say they don’t know who the father is, when they do know.
From 2012 – Letter to my mother
The adopted ones blog 
BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 12:04 am
The adoption industry has done a 180 degree turn in regard to fathers. During the baby scoop era, I requested my social worker at Catholic Charities Waukegan Il to put the father’s name on the record. She said: “We don’t put that on there!” (In those days, all fathers were listed as “UNKNOWN.”) I was shocked! In my mind, fathers were protected from all responsibility!
The first mother not only bore her child; she bore all the shame of that shaming culture. Lack of DNA analysis at that time meant that a man could deny he was the father and contribute nothing in child support. All responsibility was loaded on the mother.
Is it any wonder that child relinquishment was so common?! Some women were ostracized by their family. During the baby scoop era, females had few rights! Females could not even get a credit card!!!
Times have changed. There is now more impetus to name the father. Laws have changed!!! In many states, the father is obligated to pay child support. Obligation is one thing. Will the mother actually see financial support?????! (That depends.)
Here’s another situation. When a woman is raped and a child results, most states require child support for the child and SHARED CUSTODY. I know of this situation now and the mother is experiencing symptoms of posttraumatic stress injury!!! Thoughts anyone?
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 8:57 pm
Legitimate Bastard, you asked me a question which came in my email from “the adopted ones” as usual. My reply would not go through.
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legitimatebastard
November 14, 2023 at 9:04 pm
Oh dear. Now I don’t recall my question. I’ll think about it and try to recall…. Did I post it here or on a different post?
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 9:10 pm
Just got your email at this moment. Your post was at the following: [The adopted ones blog] legitimatebastard commented on Adoption Month – November 2nd, 2023
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 10:31 pm
Though I would like to give you the reply I wrote but could not post, I cannot find it. Yahoo has recently caused some computer problems, not only for me but for others. I am now having better luck with yahoo, but a friend lost all of her emails and it concerns me that I don’t hear from her, when she always responds otherwise.
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Claire 'Word by Word'
November 14, 2023 at 5:43 pm
Lying about the father is infringing the child’s (a future adult) human rights. It is a basic human right to know your identity, that doesn’t mean there is an automatic right to or possibility of a relationship, but the knowledge of who both parents are (and therefore an opening to knowing one’s ancestral lineage) should not be denied any human, regardless of how that human came about or the era they were conceived or born in.
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TAO
November 14, 2023 at 8:12 pm
Exactly, was simply appalled that AP’s were fine with it. Haven’t been that mad for awhile, sad that AP’s still haven’t delved deep enough to even try to see it from the adoptee POV.
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 8:52 pm
Does anyone know of statistics as to how many mothers lie about the father?
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legitimatebastard
November 14, 2023 at 9:00 pm
I’m appalled, too, TAO.
In the 1990s, myself and several adoptees in our adoptees’ support group attended a tabeling event. Most tables were for adoption: agencies and religious groups. We were the only table for adoptees’ information: how to search, what to do when in reunion, and infor on national adoptees’ and natural parents organizations ( ALMA – Adoptees Liberty Movement Association, American Adoption Congress, CUB – Concerned United Birthparents).
I sat in on a workshop held by an attorney who told Hopeful Adopters how to install in their homes an 800-number phone (these were the days loing before cell phones). Then, the attorney instructed these couples how to place an ad in newspapers and college campuses looking for pregnant girls to advertise to adopt their infants at birth. The attorney said: “And don’t say a word about the father! He is not important. He doesn’t need to know about the pregnancy, nor the baby once born. What is important is that you convince the pregnant girl/woman that she is carrying YOUR baby. Tell her about the pool, the private schools, the pony or horse in the barn, but just don’t ask about the baby’s father.”
I find it disgusting that this mentality stull exists today. All of it.
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BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss
November 14, 2023 at 9:06 pm
While the question you asked me does not appear, I am pleased to see your post “In the 1990s….” has appeared. And I’m thankful for that.
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Lara/Trace
November 20, 2023 at 2:56 pm
When you are selling something, you don’t want anyone to spoil it – like a dad.
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