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Tag Archives: expectations

The Push and Pull…(2016)

From 2016 The Push and Pull. I wrote this a few months after mom passed and struggling with the waves of different emotions and memories.

I’ve done lots of thinking during the last few months. Mostly about family, the good, the bad, and sometimes – downright ugly. Funny thing happened just now when I typed that last sentence, I imagined some readers making assumptions about what I meant just then, what ‘type’ of adoptee I am, having just written that. 

Although I used the term assumption above, we (everyone in adoption) know it’s true from years of having it proven true. True because of the desperation so many adopting parents have that needs adoption to be wonderful, always.

Nothing is wonderful, always, life always has good and bad components to it.

Getting back to the thinking part of my recent journey. Not just the good, warm memories hit me, bad memories too. Hard deeply emotional personal memories, some I didn’t want to remember, ever.

Good with the bad.

This post is for those who need adoption to be wonderful, always…

You can genuinely be part of your family, love life, just be, and also, mourn deeply for the life you would have had, should have had, all the losses not having that life entails. Too me, it’s a dichotomy. You can love and hate something at the same time.

If you can’t accept that, do some souls-searching on your experiences, pretty sure you’ll find something that makes the penny drop on what I’m talking about. Maybe it will help you understand what it’s like to live this life, being adopted.

The push and pull…

 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 10, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Random thoughts on ‘you did the right thing’…

Why do adoptees often say to their first parent (or parents) some version of: you did the right thing?

How do they know this?

How can anyone know this? Read the rest of this entry »

 
11 Comments

Posted by on February 20, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Getting personal in regards to being adopted.

I’ve been pondering on a conversation my husband and I had the other night, sparked by a question on a game show of all things. Something about how long is too long for your in-laws to visit. Long story short, he didn’t like how mom treated me, how she always seemed to find a way to put me down. Read the rest of this entry »

 
26 Comments

Posted by on September 19, 2020 in Adoption

 

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We need to change how adoption is viewed.

I struggle to contain my anger when an adopted child’s entire world is taken away from them, I can’t explain in any cohesive way how devastating just the thought of it happening is, nor can I contain my outrage for the industry that placed them in that home.

On Harlow’s Monkey is this article that she was asked to contribute too, about the current story that is reverberating through the adoption community.

Adoption is complicated—and the Myka Stauffer controversy proves it

Personally, I want the National Council for Adoption to weigh in, to task themselves with the challenge of changing the harmful narratives of adoption is beautiful, adoption is love, all those sappy sentiments the adoption community and public recite by rote; and return to the basic premise that finding the right home for a child who needs one is the most important aspect in adoption.

I’m still to upset to even begin to expound on the story, how it highlights the problems with how adoption is viewed both inside the adoption community and in the public’s eye.

If you comment, you can be angry, but please remember to remain civil.

A post from a while ago that links to many posts on the problem of oversharing which this story shows the view when it is taken to the extreme.

“It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali”. It’s a noun loosely translates to “to be greater than another”. Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principal of nkali: how they are told, who tells them, when they are told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.”
Chimanda Ngozi Adichie – “The Danger of the Single Story”

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Making Choices

We make choices every day, but the values that drives those choices is what is important. I shopped at the same grocery chain for decades, even after their ownership changed, I resisted trying their competitor for more than a year. During that year I noticed older employees disappearing, new employees so young I wondered if they’d ever shopped for groceries before. Name brands disappearing, replaced with no-name products I’d never heard of before, or knew what company produced. Read the rest of this entry »

 
5 Comments

Posted by on April 21, 2020 in Adoption

 

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Which role is in charge of the reunion, or does it matter?

Lori has a post up that is a letter written by a first mom re adoptive mom not doing well with the reunion.  Go read it and put in your 2 cents.

Birth Mom: Help Me Write Letter to Son’s Adoptive Mom

I commented already on Lori’s post under TAO.

If you will, come back and answer this question:

What is the protocol, etiquette, who should be the leader in an adoption reunion, answer below and why.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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This schooling adoptees is getting really old

Argh, another article.  Today, my role as Adoptive Mom is to school all you adoptees about what really happens when you reunite, despite not having reunited myself because I’m not adopted.  Read the rest of this entry »

 
22 Comments

Posted by on May 8, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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The E word

It seems bringing up the E word in adoption is wrong, silencing, makes some want to runaway as fast as possible.  I’d even say it’s close to a swear word to some in adoption.  Read the rest of this entry »

 
13 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2016 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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What if “the vocal adoptees” are right?

The theory: That most adoptees are just living their lives and those who are vocal are not the norm…aka angry adoptees, had a bad experience, ungrateful, mal-adjusted, anti-adoption, etc.,… Read the rest of this entry »

 
42 Comments

Posted by on July 31, 2016 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Expectations of gratitude…

“Hi there, how are you?”  “I’m good, thanks, how are you all doing?”Not bad, busy with work and the kids”… Does this sound fairly typical to you when you meet up with an acquaintance you haven’t seen for a while?  Polite chit-chat that seems to be a ritual of putting on a good face that says nothing to see here, carry on…

Read the rest of this entry »

 
25 Comments

Posted by on August 1, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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Cut the umbilical cord…

By TAO

Every adoption story whether it’s an adoption that goes through, or a contested adoption, seems to need to include details about who “cut the umbilical cord”.  Almost as if it grants automatic rights of some sort.  It has even worked its way into court cases, transcripts, and rulings for some reason I can’t fathom.  Something that seems to be held out as proof that the baby was meant to be theirs and the bond they have.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
25 Comments

Posted by on April 24, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child

 

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Perhaps I just don’t get it…

By TAO

A comment by an adult adoptee on this Huff Post article on CNN Michaela Pereira Opens Up About Her Adoption…

I watched the segment yesterday, and thought she did a great job describing her feelings about both sides of her. The pull to know where she came from – regardless of how wonderful her family is.  No digs in either direction, just honest heartfelt feelings of an adult adoptee. Read the rest of this entry »

 
22 Comments

Posted by on February 12, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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