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Monthly Archives: December 2011

Ireland the US and adoption

Ireland used to export babies to the US and now the US is exporting babies to Ireland…it all just makes me sick…I don’t see much different today other than the players have changed…

And people wonder why adoptees get angry…

Two articles from the Irish Examiner about concerns over inter-country adoptions from Florida.  November 2011:

Officials investigate US adoptions Excerpt below – read the article…

“A DELEGATION from the Adoption Authority have visited the US to examine “a number of concerns” about adoptions between Ireland and the US, in particular from Florida.”

Adoption practises – Children are not sale items Entire article below 

“Under the Adoption Act 2010 people in Ireland can only adopt children from countries that have signed the Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect of Inter-country Adoption, or from countries with which this country has a bilateral adoption agreement.

Bilateral agreements with countries such as Russia, Vietnam and Ethiopia have collapsed in recent years. There are hopeful signs that adoptions from Vietnam can be resumed in the near future.

Florida, which comes under the Hague Convention as part of the US, has become a popular place for Irish people wishing to adopt. Five children have already been adopted from Florida this year, but questions are being raised about further adoptions from that state.

It is a core tenet of both Irish law and the Hague Convention that in instances of adoption, only reasonable levels of professional legal fees can be paid, and all reimbursements of expenses must be justifiable. This is not designed to impede adoption but to ensure that adoption agencies do not engage in the commercial trafficking of children.

No country should permit children to be bought and sold like a commodity.”

And at the same time Ireland is still grappling with the many adoption horror stories that happened there from my era – here is the latest and best I can figure out – vaccine trials were done on babies and children from maternity homes as late as the 1960’s, and for the hundreds of babies who died, they were dissected at Universities. 

September 2011: 15,000 adoption files still to be transferred over to HSE  Excerpt below – Read the article

“SOME 15,000 adoption files, including those relating to controversial vaccine trials carried out on children at a mother-and-baby home run by the Sacred Heart Convent at Bessborough in Cork, have yet to be transferred to the HSE.”

October 2011: Adoption groups demand inquiry into dissections Excerpt below – Read the article

“ADOPTION groups have received a large surge in calls to helplines following revelations that hundreds of dead babies from mother and baby homes were dissected in universities.

An RTÉ Prime Time investigation into vaccine trials carried out in the homes, found that more than 400 babies were dissected by medical students in a practice that continued into the 1960s.”

The Ireland Adoption Rights Alliance website is extremely enlightening, and tells far more detail on exactly what happened back then, and the movement to get to the bottom of it, as well as give adoptees the same right to know as non-adopted individuals.

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Adoption, Ethics

 

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And the process for approval to adopt is so intrusive…

$68 Million Settlement Proposed for 10 Children Fraudulently Adopted and Abused

Lawyers for 10 disabled children who were fraudulently adopted by a Queens woman more than 15 years ago and subjected to years of abuse have proposed a $68 million settlement in a civil rights lawsuit filed on their clients’ behalf, according to a confidential court filing.”

***

The case has been seen as one of the most disturbing child welfare fraud cases in the city in recent years. Ms. Leekin used four aliases to adopt the children, who had physical or developmental disabilities, including autism and retardation, and later moved them to Florida. The children were caged, restrained with plastic ties and handcuffs, beaten with sticks and hangers, and kept out of school, according to court papers. An 11th child disappeared while in Ms. Leekin’s care and is presumed dead.”

***

Ms. Leekin, 66, was imprisoned after she was convicted of fraud in federal court in Manhattan and of abuse in a state court in Florida. Federal prosecutors have said that as part of her scheme, she collected $1.68 million in subsidies from the city that went to support a lavish lifestyle.”

August 2011 article New Look at City Lapses in Adoption Abuse Case

July 2008 article on sentencing 10-Year Sentence in Scheme to Bilk Adoption System

Go read all the articles.  Three different agencies failed to uncover the fraud by this woman who was sentenced in 2008, and yet a settlement for the victims still hasn’t happened and it is almost 2012.  Just how many other cases like this are out there?  How many more children are being abused?  How many?

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Adoption

 

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Follow up to yesterday’s post – the next article…

The next article in the four-part series in the Salt Lake Tribune on Adoption and how fathers are being deprived the right to parent due to how the adoption laws are written.  Yesterday’s post The Right Way or The Wrong Way has the first two articles.

Would-be Utah dad says misplaced trust cost him his son  

This has to stop…how can we help?

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Adoption, biological child, Ethics

 

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The Right Way or The Wrong Way

One of the things I love about old TV Shows and Movies is that there is always a moral to the story.  The Honeymooners was no exception and one of the shows we watched as a family.  It usually produced plenty of laughs.  The other day I found this episode, one that aired on The Jackie Gleason Show in 1955, long before I was born.  And true to form, it showed that your moral compass would show you the right thing to do, even if it painful for you to do it.

 
 
If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values – that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control. Martin Luther King, Jr.
 
Sadly, greed, desperation, and lack of morals abounds in all walks of life, but it is unforgivable when it comes to adoption.  No one should willingly deny a parent the right to parent, least of all someone who is adopting a baby.  Unforgivable and far beyond the pale.  No state should design laws that deliberately deprive a father of the right to parent their own baby.
 
Not one single person connected to adoption should encourage this type of practice.  Yet I see complicit acceptance of unjust laws by inaction by most legislators, the adoption industry, and community at large. What ever happened to boycotts?  Rallying the community?  Making a difference?
 
 
 
There are two more articles scheduled to be published in the coming days.  Will you stand up and say Utah has it wrong – publicly?  If enough stand up, will it make the industry change its practices?  Isn’t it worth trying to educate those new to the adoption world that how you become a parent is just as important as becoming a parent?  That morals, courage, and honor matter most of all?
 
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. Mark Twain
 
And if listening to the stories brought forward by not just one or two fathers, but many fathers who have been denied the right to parent isn’t enough to make you stand up, then answer me this question. 
 
How will these parents teach their child right from wrong, if they themselves, do not know what is right or wrong?
 
We are like chameleons, we take our hue and the color of our moral character, from those who are around us. John Locke
 

Quotes from Brainyquote.com

 
 
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Posted by on December 26, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics

 

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Merry Christmas to all…

Christmas is a hard time for me, and yet I still look forward to it every year.  I love the carols and the decorations and lights.  At the same time I recognise that others, specifically my friend Shadow, can’t see the decorations and lights and wish she and others could.  I also wish others could hear the carols.  I take so much for granted and shouldn’t. 

This morning I checked out TED, and one of the newly released talks, is from TEDMED and it gave me hope.  Hope for my friend with RP.  Hope for a wide variety of people who deal with challenges we cannot fully ever understand.

Please watch or listen.  Just knowing Shadow has made me aware of things and when I watch a TED talk, I find myself checking to see if the message is clear if I only listen – a small glimpse into her world, but something we all should consider.

Edit due to lack of coffee:

At TEDMED, Sheila Nirenberg shows a bold way to create sight in people with certain kinds of blindness: by hooking into the optic nerve and sending signals from a camera direct to the brain.

Sheila Nirenberg studies how the brain encodes information — possibly allowing us to decode it, and maybe develop prosthetic sensory devices.

Merry Christmas!

I wish you all a peaceful, safe, and happy holiday!

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Dr. Oz your “Transformation Nation Million Dollar You” excludes adoptees

From the website: Dr. Oz’s Transformation Nation: Million Dollar You

Here’s how it works:

You’ll join Dr. Oz, Weight Watchers, Sharecare and a powerful team of health professionals to tackle the seven key steps to weight loss and healthy living. The new, healthier you could even be eligible to win a $1 million prize!

Kick off the program with our Ultimate Health Quiz, where you’ll get an overview of your health. Next, conquer the seven steps:

Tell a Friend

Official Weigh-in/Calculate Your BMI

Connect with Your Doctor

Learn Your Family’s Health History

Get More Sleep

Assess Your Stress

Start New Fitness Habits

Then show off your knowledge with the Final Health IQ Quiz. The public will vote for the participant it finds the most transformed and inspirational. The winner will receive $1 million and appear on The Dr. Oz Show.

(bolding and font changes mine)

They even have two helpful videos and family health history forms…

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/learn-your-family-history-pt-1

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/learn-your-family-history-pt-2

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/family-health-history-worksheet

Here is what I would say to Dr. Oz…

Dear Dr. Oz,

You say knowing your family health history can save your life.  Having knowledge that your family has a history of early age heart attacks and stroke can save your life and prevent events.  Well of course I agree with you, that knowledge would have changed my life.  If I knew that my family health history included multiple close relatives who had early age heart attacks and strokes, my doctor would have made different choices.  But you see, I am just an adoptee, and therefore not worthy of having that knowledge, or even the right to seek that knowledge.

Furthermore, you and most of the medical community at large, have not stood up and demanded better for us adoptees.  I doubt you even realize there are millions of adoptees in the US, who have no information that could be used to save them from events, that can take their lives in a heartbeat. 

If you cared, you would talk about it on your TV show.  You and the entire medical community would petition the government to change the laws.  You would stand up for us, because you deem it crucial to our health and future.

All I hear is the medical community telling those who have access to their family to do it.  For adoptees, all I hear is crickets…

Sincerely,

An adoptee whose life was changed forever, because no one did the right thing for all adoptees.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on December 23, 2011 in Adoption

 

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Ethiopia Article

I did a quick search on the posts I have done that mention Ethiopia and the number is huge.  Today, there is an interesting story in “The Atlantic” well worth reading.  Adoption Inc: How Ethiopia’s Industry Dupes Families and Bullies Activists.  Go read the article.  Tell me why the industry is still not being forthright with families.  Tell me how it is in the child’s best interests to have mis-information about their family and not have preventative steps taken first.  Tell me why the industry has not learned from their many past mistakes, in many countries.

The following link takes you to a post I did in August, 2011.  When will be a good time to talk about corruption.  I want you to watch the videos at the bottom of the post from 2007 and hear what Tom Di Filipo said back then.  At the worst time for Guatemala, and when Ethiopia was just a blip on the radar.  Then tell me why Ethiopia did not become a model of all the good adoption could be, not what it has become.

Around the 5:00 mark in the first video Tom stated this as to when intercountry adoption is appropriate:

In the full spectrum of children services intercountry adoption should be one of the last resorts and the only part I would disagree with what Louise mentioned is that we would encourage preventative measures to be taken, sometimes it takes as little as $20 a month or $50 a month to enable a family to keep their child rather than abandon them or relinquish them for adoption whether that’s domestic or international and certainly foster care plays a big role in providing a full spectrum of services to children.  But that prevention piece is something that the International Development Community really needs to take a look at.” (watch the video in case I made a mistake in the transcript and watch his facial expressions). 

At the end of the first video he admits that some adoptions are trafficking but doesn’t like to use the term trafficking because the children have a permanent home, hmm they had a home before, too.  Go watch the videos.  Tell me why the preventative part wasn’t the industries first and foremost requirement in Ethiopia.  They hold themselves up as working for the best interests of children, so show me what they did to prevent a child from needing adoption in Ethiopia.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics

 

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A Cry From The Heart

My story continued from “It’s Called A Biological Connection” It had been E’s turn to wait for a letter: my third letter to her. I was 24 years old when the questions came rushing out of me; questions I had never allowed myself to think about, consider, or ask, until the summer of 1989. The questions came pouring out like tears: a cry from my heart.
Shadow

Summer 1989

Dear E:

I really don’t know where to start. There are so many thoughts going through my head. I guess the best thing to do is just start. I may skip around some, so the letter may not make any sense. I hope you understand.

I want to know what you were like as a little girl. What was your family like? What did you like to do? Did you live in the country or in the city?

What were you like as a teenager? What things did you like to do for fun? What was it like to be a teenager in the sixties? Did you do any of the wild things that people did then? What were your dreams for the future?

Where, and how, did you meet my birth father? What was he like? What attracted you to him? Was he good-looking? What types of things did he like? What did he like to do for fun? What type of relationship did you have? Did you know his family, or what they were like? Do you know if they knew about me? Where was he from? What was his name? Do you know where he is now? Have you ever heard from him? I know this may sound crazy, but did he go to Vietnam?

I realize these next questions may be the most difficult to answer. I don’t know why it is important for me to know the answers. It’s just something I need to know the truth about. I’m sorry if I seem rude or inconsiderate. I don’t mean to. Please don’t be embarrassed about your answers. I really want to know how you feel.

How long did you know my birth father before the pregnancy? When did you tell him? How did he react? What did he say and do? Did he know you put me up for adoption? How did you feel about him at this point? Do you think things would have worked out if he had married you?

Why did you decide to put me up for adoption? What made you decide this? How did your family react when they found out I was on the way? Were you scared?  How did you feel about being pregnant? What was it like at Hope Cottage? Did you get to see me after I was born? Did you know when they placed me with a family? Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you had kept me? What would you have named me? Did you ever wonder what happened to me, or where I might be? Did my birthday make you think about me?

How long after I was born did you meet and marry your ex husband? How did he react when you told him about me? Was he anything like my birth father? Have you told your children about me? How did they react? Have you told your family about having contact with me? What was their reaction? Are they curious about me?

I bet this is really overwhelming. I know this must be hard for you. I thought about this letter for a long time. I wanted to make it easy for you. There’s really no way to make this easy on either of us. I just wrote what I thought. I hope you understand.  There are probably lots of other questions that I could think of, but just one more that is really important to me. Why did you agree to this? You could have said no. 

Please don’t feel like I am the only one, who has the right to know anything. You have the right to know what you want about me. All I want is for you to be honest about how you feel.

I’m sorry it took so long to answer your letter. I moved, changed jobs, and just bought a horse. I have written this letter three times. I wanted to word it so that you would not get any bad ideas about me. I really don’t want to hurt you.

Sincerely,

Shadow

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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So there are adoptees who couldn’t care less…

I read a recent motherlode blog post titled Why I didn’t search for my daughters birth parents.  Nothing to say about the post itself, but as per usual I read a selection of the comments.  Can’t tell you anything about the comments except for one that stuck in my mind and wouldn’t let go, so I am going to break my feelings down here.

The comment was made by a friend of the parents whose children are now adult adoptees.  Telling not only the parents story, and what they did, but also the adult adoptees stories.  With enough facts that if you were one of the family, or knew the family being talked about, you could probably guess who it was about.

Usually it doesn’t bother me too much when people bring out their stories of my friend, or a friend of my cousins brother in-law, but the first trigger is the extraneous details not needed that I am not including below.  Use the story but at least keep it generic – I have friends who adopted children who are now adults… 

“They encouraged all of them to keep in contact with relatives there, but one daughter refused. My friends did keep in touch with her family, however, and eventually persuaded her to at least meet them.  She said, though, that she knew who her family was, and felt no need to have another.  So there are adoptees who couldn’t care less. Her siblings were more receptive to their birth families.”

The second trigger is dragging out the “see some adoptees don’t think about their other families and the adoptive family is enough” stereotype pitting the good adoptee against the bad adoptee, that came through loud and clear with the “So there are adoptees who couldn’t care less” part of the statement. 

Perhaps the adoptee didn’t care, she isn’t here to tell us and it was the commenter who provided that couldn’t care less judgement of what the adoptee felt.  If the adoptee had said it then the commenter would have stated: She said, though, she couldn’t care less and that she knew who her family was, and felt no need to have another.  But the commenter didn’t state that – she added her own narrative to the story saying So there are adoptees who couldn’t care less without knowing what the adoptee in question actually felt, or didn’t feel, because it was third hand information.  That triggered me. 

Whatever reason the adoptee chose not to have a relationship is her own.  I doubt it was as cut and dried and callous as the commenter makes it out to be.  Adoptees are human beings, not paper dolls after all, and as humans we are capable of making complex emotional and rational decisions, based on what is best for us at that time and place in our lives.  And like many of the decisions we make in life, we don’t always lay out exactly what thoughts and considerations went into making that decision, especially to a parent to pass on to a friend of that parent. 

When I hear stories related by others they always make it seem so cut and dried, easy, no thought or emotion invested – the answer given is the sum total of all her feelings.  As an adoptee I can come up with multiple reasons that may have been part of her thought process to come up with her decision to not have a relationship.  Any adoptee can run through the different thoughts and feelings they have had at one point or another.  We all have complex stories to unravel with complex feelings that change at different times, throughout our lives.  Shadow has talked about how she never thought much about adoption until she got her diagnosis, and then the emotions and the processing started.  I thought about being adopted from the time I was a child, and processed different parts, at different stages, and have had a myriad of different feelings and thoughts on being adopted.  We are all unique. We all go through the process different, and feel different, at different times.  Why is that so hard for people to understand?

My story is different from every other adoptees story, except the fact that we were all adopted.  The same can be said for every adoptee.  Being adopted is different for everyone.  Why do people think that there are only two models of adoptees – good adoptees or bad adoptees.  And if there are only two models adoptees come in, then that also means they see us as merely shallow versions of human beings, and perhaps more like cute chains of paper dolls, which model should I pick my child from. That is the view I think some people have of adoptees and that sucks.

 
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Posted by on December 18, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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You should…

I have been trying to ensure that I do not use “you should” when speaking.  I think it is harmful to the person it is used on.  If I use it please call me on it.

“You should socialize more”

“You should get over our worrying about everything”

“You should get into this career”

“You should move into a different neighborhood”

“You should just get over it”

“You should look for the positive”

The above statements are just examples…

When I hear any statement that begins with “you should” then whatever the statement is, means that the person receiving that statement is doing it wrong, and must change to be acceptable to the one making the statement.  Nothing in the statement includes discussion, rather it is a directive of what that person wants another to do, and the one receiving it then feels the need to justify their reason, choice, etc..

If someone opens a conversation about something replacing “you should” with “have you thought about” or “have you considered” and then offers suggestions of alternatives or things might help, then there is no condemnation of what is happening now, or what choices were made before.  Rather it is a question about whether or not you are happy with the way it is, and if not, have you thought about a different way.

To me the “you should” statements lowers self-esteem, and is a negative that is less than helpful, and at worst harmful.

We all have enough negatives in our life that are beyond our control, that we do not need a negative self-esteem added to the list.  There are many things we could all change about ourselves and don’t change, simply because we like who we are. 

Thanks for letting me vent and please if I say “you should” tell me to stop. 

How do you feel when someone says “you should” do X?  Am I being oversensitive?

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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UNICEF

I am so disheartened by the continual bashing UNICEF receives from some in the adoption community.  It is unwarranted, illogical, and wrong on so many levels.  UNICEF has been made the scape-goat for other entities atrocious lack of action in preventing and stopping the corruption in international adoption.  Find the real culprit.

UNICEF started in 1946 by the UN to help the children in the European Countries.  If your ancestors immigrated from Europe after WWII they could have been the ones helped, and without that help would you be alive today?

Foundation and early work

Back in 1946 the lingering effects of the destruction caused by World War II were still affecting millions of people in Europe. Many were without basic shelter, adequate clothing or food. Especially hard hit were children, fully half of whom were dying before their first birthday in some affected areas. Existing relief mechanisms were being phased out.

In response to many voices of concern, on 11 December 1946 the UN General Assembly unanimously established the UN International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) to mount urgent relief programmes for children. UNICEF was directed to provide its aid ‘without discrimination because of race, creed, nationality, status or political belief’. In this way, principles grounded in rights and equity helped guide UNICEF’s work from the very beginning.

Once that crisis was over they continued on.  Following are just a few facts taken from this page.  This question is for adoptive parents to consider – if not for UNICEF would your child be born, or would their parents, or grandparents, have died before their 5th birthday?

1947 – A supplementary feeding programme for children, nursing and pregnant mothers in 13 European Countries.

1948 – Aid to mothers and children in Asia and Palestine.

In addition they started vaccinations against TB that by 1955 had protected 60 million children from this deadly disease.

1951 – Helping save children from TB, Malaria, Trachoma, and YAWS as well as emergency relief for children from Natural Disasters.

1953 – Working on environmental sanitation projects to save children’s lives. Leprosy control measures implemented. YAWS can be cured by 1 shot of Penicillin and identified 10 million cases in Indonesia, Thailand, Haiti, Philippines and other countries.

1956-1959 – Created nutrition programmes around the world.

1960 – 56 Million children, nursing and pregnant mothers are being benefitted by UNICEF.

1966 – Now aiding 120 countries and territories including Africa, the Americas, Asia, Eastern Mediterranean, and Europe.

1973 – 70 countries are being benefitted with village water supplies to reduce child illness and death. They are also combatting blindness cause by lack of Vitamin A.

1977 – Expanded immunization programmes should be a main priority with sufficient vaccines, drugs and other supplies.

1983 – Now able to respond to the literacy issue to help child survival and quality of life with a better future.

1984 – African drought and famine – 65 million packets of oral dehydration salts and helps countries produce the salts locally. Salts that are needed to treat diarrhoeal dehydration in the children that leads to death.

1985 – Did three-day of mass immunizations of children under 5, in El Salvador during their civil war. They then used the same approach in Lebanon 1987; Sudan 1989; Iraq 1991 and more frequently since then. They also saved an estimated half million children with the oral rehydration therapy.

1986 – 500 Million vaccinations given. Approximately 487 Million children under the age of 5 benefitted from oral rehydration therapy. One and a half million children are saved this year alone. By now 93 countries have benefitted from water supply and sanitation programs – benefitting some 18.7 million persons.

1987 – Estimated two million child deaths were averted this year.

1988 – by the end of this year – 68 percent of the children in developing world had been immunized with 3 doses of DPT (diphtheria, whooping cough, tetanus) and the polio vaccine. Oral rehydration has saved about 3 quarters of a million children this year.

1989 – “159 UN Member States adopted the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC). The CRC sets minimum standards of protection for children everywhere against exploitation, abuse and neglect.” 

1993 – Since the end of WWII – life expectancy has increased in the developing world by about a third. Infant and child deaths have been halved. Children going to school rose from 50% to 75%. Rural families with safe drinking water rose from 10% to almost 60%. In just 12 years childs deaths from measles and neonatal tetanus have been cut by at least half.

1995 – Oral rehydration therapy started in 1980 saves about 1.5 million children this year.

This is merely a glimpse of what UNICEF had accomplished by 1995.  How many lives were saved by from the efforts of UNICEF?  How many millions upon millions women and children were helped with nutrition, vaccinations, drugs, schooling, that allowed them to live, or live a better life than they had.  How many were helped in the horrific natural disasters that happened in the developing countries in that time period alone.  Remember the above is just a snippet of what they have done and are still continuing to do around the world today – saving lives – making lives better – restoring hope and wellness to the mind, body and spirit.

And what about those diseases they vaccinated all those hundreds of millions of children for, the drugs used to treat diseases, the rehydration salts… 

Polio – the vaccination my dad said was the greatest invention that happened during his medical career.  A disease almost eradicated from this world, but must be eradicated completely, before vaccinations can stop being given. 

You can read about Polio, Diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and Tetanus here.  And remember the above are just snippets of what they have done in the way of saving children’s lives through their vaccination, nutrition, and sanitation programmes as well as focusing on maternal health and literacy.  They save and continue to save millions of lives.  The generational impact alone is multi-reaching and I again ask the question of adoptive parents – would your child’s parents or grandparents have lived past the age of 5?  Would your child even been born?

And exactly what are those strange diseases noted above such as YAWS? You can read the Fact Sheet on YAWS here from WHO.  Trachoma?  Causes blindness and a lot of pain – you can read it here. Diarrhoeal dehydration – read about it here.

In conclusion, I needed to expand on my coment left on Malinda’s post because I am so tired of the bashing by some in the adoption community.  UNICEF can’t save or fix everything but they work really hard every day.   I just wish people could look at the global impact of all the good UNICEF has done, and is doing today as you are reading this, and look for the real culprits who failed in protecting children in developing countries.  Take your personal story out of your mind, and look at the entire picture.  BTW: I will not tolerate comments like Malinda does and is doing right now on her post.  I don’t need it.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Adoption

 

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I Agree…

Some days I have hope for the next generation of adoptees, that their parents will have listened and been aware of potential pitfalls both pre-adoption and parenting.  Other days that hope is slammed into the ground and stomped on, crushed beyond recognition, into dust.  The latter was yesterday.

The entitlement factor felt by some people chills me.  That level of entitlement engendered by a faux feeling of superiority that allows them to not listen, but rather, vocally dismiss anything said, by a mere adoptee.  Even when there is nothing but truth being provided.  Being provided to the individuals who willingly chose to go there, to read it, (or not actually read it and listen to the words).  The defensive reaction we all get from time to time, yet some of us try to figure out where that reaction is coming from, learn from it, study it, change it, if needed.  Yes, sometimes we all fail, but the bigger person learns from those times and makes amends for their behavior.

Following is the disclaimer at the top of the guest post on iAdoptees blog for all to read, absorb, and chose, without coercion, to read the rest of the guest post. 

What you are about to read may shock you. It may challenge you. And, hopefully, it may inspire you to educate yourself further on the realities of adoption. Please read the following with an open mind, and try not to take anything said here personally. Because this is not meant to be an attack or a judgment; it is meant to be an honest and heartfelt expression of one adoptee’s experience that would hopefully bring understanding and respect for the often ignored portion of the adoption equation.

People reacted in an unseemly manner, very unseemly.  In a manner that most parents would be horrified to know was written by their child, who is now an adult and most likely either hoping to be, or is a parent.  In a manner they would have taught their child, was the wrong approach to take, especially with the highly specific message above regarding reading the entry.

I agree wholeheartedly with what is said in the post.  I cannot imagine having any friends who would disagree with that post.  Another friend has also felt the fall-out from recommending her friends read it.  That fallout is beyond my ability to comprehend either, from the very people who should have been true, staunch, have your back whatever may happen, friends.  Their response is also incredibly unseemly and very, very sad.  

To those who are reading this, each of us in our own ways and based on our own truth, are talking about things that matter.  If we weren’t, we wouldn’t being doing this.  I only wish I had the ability to write a letter, like this letter.  Please read this.  It really says it all, and no one should feel defensive, or threatened by it, because there is no intent to inflame, only to provide her truth in as gentle a manner as possible.  If you do become defensive reading it, then you need to look deep inside yourself to understand why.

 
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Posted by on December 11, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents, Ethics

 

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