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A Cry From The Heart

19 Dec

My story continued from “It’s Called A Biological Connection” It had been E’s turn to wait for a letter: my third letter to her. I was 24 years old when the questions came rushing out of me; questions I had never allowed myself to think about, consider, or ask, until the summer of 1989. The questions came pouring out like tears: a cry from my heart.
Shadow

Summer 1989

Dear E:

I really don’t know where to start. There are so many thoughts going through my head. I guess the best thing to do is just start. I may skip around some, so the letter may not make any sense. I hope you understand.

I want to know what you were like as a little girl. What was your family like? What did you like to do? Did you live in the country or in the city?

What were you like as a teenager? What things did you like to do for fun? What was it like to be a teenager in the sixties? Did you do any of the wild things that people did then? What were your dreams for the future?

Where, and how, did you meet my birth father? What was he like? What attracted you to him? Was he good-looking? What types of things did he like? What did he like to do for fun? What type of relationship did you have? Did you know his family, or what they were like? Do you know if they knew about me? Where was he from? What was his name? Do you know where he is now? Have you ever heard from him? I know this may sound crazy, but did he go to Vietnam?

I realize these next questions may be the most difficult to answer. I don’t know why it is important for me to know the answers. It’s just something I need to know the truth about. I’m sorry if I seem rude or inconsiderate. I don’t mean to. Please don’t be embarrassed about your answers. I really want to know how you feel.

How long did you know my birth father before the pregnancy? When did you tell him? How did he react? What did he say and do? Did he know you put me up for adoption? How did you feel about him at this point? Do you think things would have worked out if he had married you?

Why did you decide to put me up for adoption? What made you decide this? How did your family react when they found out I was on the way? Were you scared?  How did you feel about being pregnant? What was it like at Hope Cottage? Did you get to see me after I was born? Did you know when they placed me with a family? Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if you had kept me? What would you have named me? Did you ever wonder what happened to me, or where I might be? Did my birthday make you think about me?

How long after I was born did you meet and marry your ex husband? How did he react when you told him about me? Was he anything like my birth father? Have you told your children about me? How did they react? Have you told your family about having contact with me? What was their reaction? Are they curious about me?

I bet this is really overwhelming. I know this must be hard for you. I thought about this letter for a long time. I wanted to make it easy for you. There’s really no way to make this easy on either of us. I just wrote what I thought. I hope you understand.  There are probably lots of other questions that I could think of, but just one more that is really important to me. Why did you agree to this? You could have said no. 

Please don’t feel like I am the only one, who has the right to know anything. You have the right to know what you want about me. All I want is for you to be honest about how you feel.

I’m sorry it took so long to answer your letter. I moved, changed jobs, and just bought a horse. I have written this letter three times. I wanted to word it so that you would not get any bad ideas about me. I really don’t want to hurt you.

Sincerely,

Shadow

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5 Comments

Posted by on December 19, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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5 responses to “A Cry From The Heart

  1. The adopted ones

    December 19, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Shadow, I envy your getting to at least ask the questions. I had all those questions swirling around but most seemed to personal to ask extended family members. Cannot wait to hear which were answered and which weren’t – doesn’t have to be the actual answers just answered these – didn’t answer those.

     
    • cb

      December 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      Look forward to hearing more as well and hearing her reply. You keep leaving us on the edge of our chairs, you mean thing lol.

      Like AO, I’ll probably never know the answer to many questions and would have loved to know some of even the little things about my bmom, like her favourite colour or movie etc. Still, I am lucky to know what I do and family have been very helpful answering what they can.

       
  2. shadowtheadoptee

    December 20, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Thanks AO for all your help and giving me diection, keeping me on track. Thanks CB for encouraging me to continue

     
  3. shadowtheadoptee

    December 20, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Trying this again…don’t know why/what I keep doing wrong.

    Thanks AO for all your help and giving me direction, keeping me on track. Thanks CB for encouraging me to continue. Hugs for both of you. Merry Christmas. I’m so glad I have you two as friends. Love, Shadow.

     
  4. cb

    December 20, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    You have a wonderful Christmas too, Shadow :)

     

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