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Dear Adoptive Parent Community…

10 Aug

By TAO

With several recent public cases in the news, and others within the last couple of years involving adopting or adoptive parents, what better time than now to start conversations and make a difference for the future.

Are you, as adoptive parents tired of people thinking (or saying) that adoptive parents are baby stealers or abusers?  Then stand up and get angry when you see adopting or adoptive parents or agencies behaving badly…

Follow the lead of those few brave adoptive parents who do speak out with moral outrage.  Stop making pathetic excuses and justifications for adoptive parents and/or agencies acting badly…

Don’t throw out comments like this:

“Anti-adoption folk are having a complete field day with this case!!!”

Stop and consider why people have become anti-adoption.  What made them see adoption as so thoroughly damaged as to be unfixable.  Really think about it, and ask yourself if they are justified in their views based on incredibly questionable activities done in the name of adoption.

Can anyone justify acting badly in an adoption?

Can you justify it?

Ask yourself, if you had to create a brutally honest Lifebook of Your Adoption would you be proud of how you acted, how your agency practiced, and what you (the client) required the process to be, or would you be ashamed to give it to your child?  If you would be proud, then you know how adoption needs to be done right, hold your head high and speak up.  If you would be ashamed and can see that now, then you know how easy it is to go down the slippery slope you live to regret, and now is the time to speak up so others won’t feel that way in the future too.

Want adoptive parents and families to have credibility from the public?  Walk the Walk.  Demand adoption agencies and adoption practices are actually ethical and moral…not just within the letter of the law that was likely lobbied for by the adoption industry…

Stand up and be counted.  Start the conversation, and don’t stop.  Your kids will be watching you…I know because I was that kid, and I watched, and you know I hold mom and dad up to be the standard you all need to try incredibly hard to meet.     

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42 Comments

Posted by on August 10, 2013 in Adoption, adoptive parents, Ethics

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

42 responses to “Dear Adoptive Parent Community…

  1. TAO

    August 10, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    I don’t want to see generalized or broad sweeping comments about any group in adoption in the comments. If you can’t, or won’t, have a constructive conversation then don’t bother commenting.

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  2. monk-monk

    August 10, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    YES times 1,000. I am so sick by the case in the media right now that I can barely stand to watch it.

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    • TAO

      August 10, 2013 at 11:16 pm

      …and it got worse today with an arrest warrant issued for Dusten while he is at mandatory training in IOWA…

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      • monk-monk

        August 10, 2013 at 11:18 pm

        I know. It’s become a crazy-train. Really? REALLY? That girl will be 12 years old and will google and will find all of this insanity. I am appalled and dumbfounded at every twist and turn. It’s clearly about winning and not about what’s best for the little girl. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I cannot even handle the news anymore. It’s just too awful…and it feels like nobody else sees it…

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  3. eagoodlife

    August 10, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    Here on the other side of the world adoptees are appalled and I hope adopters are too at the ever unfolding events in the world of adoption where children are not safe and cannot be guaranteeed that decisions are made in their best interests. I know adopters in other countries who are appalled too but it is sometimes so hard to speak out when others are against the truth. It will take great courage and strength but it adoptees can do it surely adopters can too!

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    • TAO

      August 10, 2013 at 11:56 pm

      I agree Von and there are some brave adoptive parents standing up and have from the start – we just need more like them…

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  4. eagoodlife

    August 10, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    A call to adopters to stand by the truth in adoption……

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  5. ana1968

    August 11, 2013 at 12:09 am

    As an adoptive parent, I can say that the Copabiancos make me sick. What they are doing is dead wrong. I pray that Veronica will ultimately be able to stay with her family.

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    • TAO

      August 11, 2013 at 12:27 am

      See I knew there were very brave adoptive parents that I hadn’t heard from already! Thanks for standing up!

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    • Stephanie Malaspian

      August 11, 2013 at 3:00 am

      thank you for making a sane statement Ana-How can the rest of you think that paying money for a baby is ever ethical? All the adoptees I know are so damaged and if you want some names just send me a message on facebook and I will be happy to inform you. Adoption is never about the baby and the Copabiancos are perfect examples of the average adopter who wants a baby because they are infertile.

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  6. Alex King

    August 11, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    As an adoptive parent who has done it–the fully reported Life Book is now available in paperback*, and it was tough to finish–I’m stunned by the reaction to this particular ‘adoption scandal’.

    I’m troubled by what no one seems to be saying about Veronica’s family. ICWA provided her father a tool to push back against the agency that placed his daughter for adoption. In the absence of his tribal membership, this would have been just another day in the adoption industry. This happens all the time!

    Adoption agencies rely on uninformed consents that are barely legal, under the laws their lobbyists wrote. The broader tragedy, beyond this family’s losses and the transfer of this child, is that nothing special happened here.

    That’s a problem.

    *See my blog about my book at link.

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  7. Momma C

    August 11, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Add me as another adoptive parent ill at what these people are fighting to do to this little girl. She should stay with her father (and should have been with him from the beginning) They are more concerned with winning and if it destroys the little girl they claim to love, so be it. Disgusting!

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  8. Paige

    August 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    TAO, thank you for this post. It’s so very true; until hopeful adoptive parents refuse to participate in unethical adoptions, there is a great financial incentive for those that profit from adoption to continue practices that strip fathers from their rights. I believe the disapproving voices of other adoptive parents is crucial. The adoption lobby is powerful. The fact that there hasn’t been an outcry because Chief Justice Roberts failed to recuse himself from this case is an example. Since he skirted the laws of another nation to adopt, why would he respect the laws of Indian Country?

    I believe that those who believe that getting a child at all costs will pay later. When John Wyatt and Dusten Brown’s children discover that they were raised away from family that desperately wanted them there will be hell to pay. People believe the BSE is behind us. I think in some ways today’s practices are far more sinister.

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  9. eagoodlife

    August 11, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Paige I so agree, today’s practice of adoption is sinister, unethical and as we see from this case inhumane. Here in Australia our Government apologised for the inhumane practics of the past….will we see that time come in th US?
    To the contrary Alex, something very special happened here -it used to be called consciousness raising perhaps here it is the raising of conscience about adoption, it’s illegalities, it’s unhumanitiy and it’s refusal to act in the best interests of children.Hopefully this case has reached the consciences of many who had not thought about adoption before and what it does to adoptees who will one day grow up, speak out and have the support of older adoptees who have been there, done that.

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    • Susie Sayers

      August 21, 2013 at 6:50 pm

      Folks are having a field day at this case because this case (Baby Veronica) is BEYOND appalling. Heartbreaking. Horrific. I’m kindasortamaybe willing to concede that under LIMITED circumstances, adoption is a way to get a family for a kid who would otherwise be parentless.

      This is SO NOT THAT CASE. The prospective APs behaved appallingly, as did their lawyers, supporters and hangers on. Lying lying lying liars.

      That little girl is going to grow up and google herself… and will see for herself who her adopters really are. (My guess it’ll be like the daughter of the “disappeared” who discovered in her 20s that her adoptive parents were part of the military regime that killed her bioparents).

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  10. christycanuck

    August 11, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    An AP from another country chiming in here, but the Copabiancos are a stain not just on adoptive parents, but pretty much the Planet Earth. My apologies, but that’s about the most eloquent thing I can come up with because I am so mad about what is happening.

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  11. TAO

    August 11, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    Loving all the AP’s standing up. The next question of course is how do we remove those rosy sunglasses from others?

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  12. JenniferS

    August 12, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Coming to this late but for what it is worth as an AP from down under I am appalled, ashamed and gutted at the actions of the Capobiancos. I am so dreadfully sorry. Sorry Veronica that your life has been so badly stuffed up by the selfish involvement of some AP’s who have no idea how to love a child and do the best they can for her. Good luck and I hope your dad finds a way to keep you.

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    • TAO

      August 12, 2013 at 2:08 pm

      Thanks Jennifer – so this story has made it over to Australia? Wow… What a sweet note to Veronica.

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      • debbie

        August 15, 2013 at 11:22 am

        its all over facebook in Australia . my adoption support pages are all over the case and update us daily with news.. as an Australian adoptee who has been apologised for my adoption by my government its hard to understand America on adoption agency’s and how the government allows baby selling…. we would never allow agencies in Australia..( there are only a handful of baby adoptions a year who would set up an agency for that no money is involved)

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        • kym

          August 19, 2013 at 4:41 am

          Debbie, I’m so glad to hear that it’s all over FB Down Under. Then I guess you’ve heard of FB: StandingOurGroundForVeronicaBrown? or http://www.keepveronicahome.com?

          Also, I was really impressed by your former PM’s apology in March, 2013. I watched it on ABC, but I can’t find the video recording of it anymore. Do you know if they removed the video? What did you think of her apology? Thorough/sincere? The US is way overdue for apologizing for… the list keeps getting longer.

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          • eagoodlife

            August 19, 2013 at 4:49 am

            Kym, as Debbie hasn’t replied yet I’ll give you my view.I thought SA’s Apology was very heartfelt and sincere although the former PM was business like and did the job well.The video is still available.

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            • kym

              August 19, 2013 at 6:28 pm

              Thanks Von for your opinion. Do you know where that video is available? abc.net.au says that the video has expired. I know transcripts (or perhaps audio) are still available, but I hope the video is still accessible. And what/who is SA? I just heard Rudd’s apology years ago and Gillard’s apology in March. Thanks.

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          • eagoodlife

            August 19, 2013 at 10:57 pm

            Kym, here’s a link to the South Australian Apology which seems to still be available and in my opinion was part of a much more meaningful Apology – http://www.sa.gov.au/subject/Education,+skills+and+learning/General+information/Apology+for+forced+adoption+practices+in+South+Australia

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            • kym

              August 21, 2013 at 12:24 am

              Thanks. I tried that link, but here in the US, I can’t watch it. Darn. Thanks Aussies!

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            • eagoodlife

              August 21, 2013 at 1:31 am

              Kym, if you really are keen to see it email me, w can fix up something.

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  13. lara/trace

    August 12, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Reblogged this on lara (author-blogger) and commented:
    Brilliant post!

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  14. cb

    August 12, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    Has anyone listened to the capobianco’s conference?

    http://www.counton2.com/story/23111045/the-fight-for-baby-veronica-capobiancos-call-for-help

    Note that they say “held againt OUR will” and “illegally held against the wishes of her parents and court”. It is all about them and their wishes.

    She is not being held against HER will. As for who her parents are, that should be for HER to decide.

    The conference makes me wonder exacty how they are going to explain the situation to Veronica if they do get her. They keep talking about kidnapping and abandonment and I just hope to God that they don’t plan on telling Veronica that they have “saved her from her kidnapper”. Anyone who has seen video of her with her dad can see how happy she is – she is not going to understand why she needs “saving”.

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    • TAO

      August 12, 2013 at 10:17 pm

      I forced myself to go read the FB page last night and it did not do them any favors in my eyes. Urging supporters to write letters to authorities to enforce the court order. The pretense that the courts and officials were just doing their jobs issuing an arrest warrant for her father. The whole thing stinks. To have and your daddy was arrested fighting to raise you just somehow doesn’t seem like a warm cuddly adoption story to me…perhaps I am just a biased adoptee but I can’t imagine how that is going to play out well – especially come the teen years (if she is anything like I was).

      And all the good parents who adopted properly and ensured their adoption was done right – well they get painted with the same brush – something I strive not to do but public perception is not that discerning…the community needs to stand up with a collective voice and say we disagree. Until that happens though the reality is that the public will view all APs the same way. Especially bad when the leaders in the community pretend like it is just another day at the office – sigh…

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      • debbie from australia

        August 15, 2013 at 11:38 am

        I knew something was always dodgy about my Aps when growing up but at the age of 50 I found out they paid a private dr to acquire me .. To say I despise them is an understatement.. I consider my self a stolen child kidnapped ..Veronica will feel the same she wont be able to go to school with out being known as the little girl that was taken from her daddy.. Poor Veronica I know exactly how she is going to feel every part of her future life is going to be affected..

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  15. b.

    August 13, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Hat dies auf International Adoption Reader rebloggt und kommentierte:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

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  16. b.

    August 13, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Tao, being an AP, and a parent of two Ethiopian children, I admit I am getting very tired these days – tired of reading of atrocities towards children, committed under the pretense of “raising them in a family”, tired of the entitlement of so many who ALWAYS seem to find a justification for unethical conduct, tired of the head-in-the-sand mentality of some
    fellow APs. These days I am full of admiration for those who continue to speak up, and very loudly so. I reblogged your article because I currently cannot seem to find any words to comment on anything. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, which have always been so fair towards all involved in adoption.

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    • TAO

      August 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      Thanks B – I try although I also know that I get sarcastic and downright mad at times. I do try to stay away from broad brush painting an entire group.

      You know, perhaps it is only international adoptive parents who read this blog but it if there are domestic adoptive parents then it makes me sad they haven’t stood up…

      Have you been following Hana’s so called adoptive parents trial?

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      • b.

        August 13, 2013 at 8:09 pm

        Yes. It is beyond any words.

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  17. 7rin

    August 14, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    Reblogged this on Adoption Mania.

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  18. XiangXiang

    August 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I’m an adoptive mom – and I’m appalled at what is being said about the C’s. This was NOT baby buying!! They are NOT horrible people. They love their daughter. This man is NOT a hero. He is only in the military because he was ordered by the court so he could start paying BACK child support. He didn’t offer anything to the bio-mom. And don’t go and cry to me saying “bio-mom hid the baby, the C’s took her to SC, the bio-mom wouldn’t let anyone visit the hospital”. Did he even start the paperwork to say he was the dad? Nope. Speaking of paperwork, lets talk about the first set of paperwork he did put in. And this is fact too – he marked himself and Veronica as WHITE. Yep, that’s right he did. He didn’t even acknowledge is OWN NA heritage!!! The groups on FB (esp the Standing our Ground) get nasty. SOGFVB has called the C’s adoptoraptors and drunks. They criticize every look that M makes saying she looks too old to even care for a child. People seem to miss so much when they get emotionally involved in a case.

    Should this little girl go back to her parents? Tough call. But to sit here and bash and villify the AP’s is wrong.

    And yes, my daughter knows she is adopted. She knows about her heritage and where she came from and yes, we celebrate her heritage! We also talk about why she looks different than we do!

    This case isn’t about NA vs. White. It isn’t about heritage. Its about a soon to be 4 year old little girl who is going to grow up and start asking some very hard questions to whomever gets the lucky chance to raise her. If the C’s get the chance she’ll ask them why they took her away from her bio-dad. If DB gets the chance she’ll ask him why he took her away from the C’s and from her bio-mom and the C’s.

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    • Karen Waggoner

      August 19, 2013 at 9:50 pm

      Dusten Brown is not in arrears in child support according to the mother of his other child. Dustin Brown is. He has been protesting the adoption of Veronica for longer than the C’s imply. If the C’s really care about Veronica, they will let her stay with her father. As an adoptive parent, I am appalled that the C’s are making this into a 3-ring circus to get public support on their side. Anyone who has been following this carefully will not be on their side!

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    • kym

      August 20, 2013 at 9:56 pm

      XiangXiang,
      I’m truly sorry that you have such difficulty in recognizing the real problem and that you refuse to try. I feel sorry for the little girl you adopted and hope that she finds peace in herself in whether to forgive you or not, or trust you or not. That is her call and she will decide in her own time.

      But if you were my adoptive mother (or even anyone I met) and you supported children to be forceably removed from their loving and devoted father, step-mom, half-sister, grandparents, and original communities, to live with unrelated, genetic strangers who knew them when they were much younger… well, I would question your sense of morality, justice, and compassion. And if you had adopted me, knowing your perception, I’d question your love for me, and by extension everything else about you. Just sayin’.

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  19. heatherrainbow

    August 19, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    I’m a mom, whose daughter was trafficked through baby brokers and an unethical system. It’s good to see there are adoptive parents holding these people accountable. But, I hope you are holding yourselves accountable as well.

    So many parents are promised open adoptions. The promise of open adoption is UNETHICAL, because it is not enforceable by state or federal law. So many mothers have killed themselves because of a “failed” open adoption, that they couldn’t live with themselves. Do you know for sure that your agency or lawyer is ethical? Because, for a woman to say, Hello, the agency / lawyer tricked me into signing papers, is pretty impossible, given the fact that you hold their hearts in your home, and would never want to jeopardize the relationship they may have with their child.

    Just some food for thought.

    (By the way, the people who stole my daughter, promised me everything, visits, name to stay the same, etc, etc, etc, and cut contact after 3 years, changed her name, and lied about all of it. Now, they are abusing my daughter. THAT is why I am anti-adoption / baby trafficking.)

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    • kym

      August 20, 2013 at 8:28 pm

      heatherrainbow,
      I completely agree. Open adoption is not ethical. In this country, I would question the ethics of adoption, in general. We, as a country, really need to have a discussion about adoption policies and practices. It seems that the powers that be in this country, will let us talk about anything, EXCEPT the real issues, discrimination, and children’s rights and human rights violations inherent in adoption.

      Many adopted people have suffered in the name of “adoption”, as have first parents, and if appears that AP’s also feel victimized and get defensive against adopted people and first parents. So, while all members of the triad squabble amongst each other, the agencies who control and profit from the hearts and fears of all triad members get to avoid blame.

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  20. lea

    August 31, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    no the adoption agncys just to get to make money and avoid problems me the adoptee had to live a life of suffering and in hell I had to live in a adopted home where I felt unloved and unwanted and my adopted parents never tried to relate to me they never tried to do things that I liked I had to live in a house that I hated and felt nothing like how I would want a house to look it was ugly , they never psent money on me like they make my bedroom there way I ahted living like that they never once did things my way or did things that I liked it was al about them and I wish I had never met them I really never had a family only fake adopters all they did was put me in pain and misery and try to make me into something I was not and make me live a lifeas a child that was not lke me now that I am grown I live a little more me like me

    Like

     

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