Triggered by the transfer…

04 Oct


When I am most troubled I become silent, unable to talk about what I feel.  It’s part of my makeup to deal with my feelings privately, to find peace with what has happened.  That’s how I dealt with my adoptee feelings as a child, I retreated and mourned privately.  Just like I have from this blog after Veronica was returned to her “legal” parents.

Stunned…angry…that anyone could do this to a precious happy child…who didn’t need adoption…

I was thrown back into all the feelings of being adopted – that I believed I had worked through years ago.  I thought I was at a place where I could sit and view adoption as it happened around me with a critical lens of been there, done that, felt that, and, I wanted others to recognise that some of us look fine, act fine, but deep down we don’t always feel fine.  That it mattered that they understood this for the current adoptees growing up.

I was wrong, those feelings weren’t gone, they were simply buried.  The transfer brought them all to the surface.  The time since has left me with thoughts swirling in my mind, and, a heavy heart.

Perhaps Veronica won’t have the feelings of not being good enough to keep because she will know her father fought for her for four long heartbreaking years, through countless courts and hearings.  That she was wanted enough to be fought for – at least by one of her parents.

Perhaps that knowledge will help her with her self-esteem and search for identity, knowing she was so wanted by her father.  That she was his, and worth fighting for all the way to the Supreme Court, and then some. 

I hope the above comes true, but what about all the other challenges she will have to deal with as an adoptee, ones she wouldn’t have had to deal with if she wasn’t adopted?  What about those added challenges…

But deep down in my heart I still hope she goes home – because biology trumps adoption when there is no good reason for adoption.

People like to show that even in the animal kingdom adoption happens.  It does.  It’s also rare.  It only happens because of a tragedy.  Perhaps humans should take its cues from the animal kingdom and return adoption to what it should be – a rarely needed response to a tragedy.


Posted by on October 4, 2013 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 responses to “Triggered by the transfer…

  1. lynnemiller

    October 4, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    What will it be like for Veronica when she’s old enough to go online and read all the stories about her contested adoption? What kinds of questions will she have for her adoptive parents? For her biological parents? At least she will know she was badly wanted by two families.


    • TAO

      October 4, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      Lynne, thanks for commenting. I have tried over the last few years to assess how I would feel if I found out mom and dad didn’t have the moral compass to respect a parents right to parent their child. My conclusion is that it would strip all the validity of everything they taught me, showed me by their daily life and it would all just be a sham. I’d be shattered. I believe it will end badly for them.


  2. Heather

    October 5, 2013 at 7:49 am

    TAO, as usual your words have helped me when I have no words. Thank you.


  3. Lorraine Dusky

    October 5, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    The other day I looked up someone whose mother fought for her back in the Seventies before her adoption was finalized; the adoptive parents went on a “vacation” in Florida and never returned. The natural mother, Olga Scarpetta, was never able to get her daughter back, or later, even have a relationship with her. This is the headline from the story the New York Daily News ran in 1995:


    from the story:

    “If someone gave you a dog and then months later wanted it back, you’d tell them to go to hell,” he adds. In effect, that’s what the DeMartinos told the New York justice system, when, that November, the courts ruled in [the birth mother’s] Scarpetta’s favor. Because the adoption was not yet final and technically, the DeMartinos only had custody of Lenore a judge ordered the couple to return the baby to a birth mother she’d never known. Despite the public outrage that followed the Daily News reports, the New York State Court of Appeals again favored Scarpetta and again, the DeMartinos were forced to defy the law to keep their family together. This time, however, they fled the state. “We had gone to Florida on our honeymoon, so [Jean] packed the girls’ clothes, got in one of our two cars, and drove down there,” says DeMartino, who, with his wife, was given custody of Lenore under Florida’s child-favoring adoption laws.”

    The adoptee never wanted to meet her mother, who became a professor at Columbia University, and died shortly after the adoptive mother took her own life. Lenore DeMartino, the adoptee in question, wanted nothing to do with her and said she was glad she had been adopted. This story has haunted me ever since the Dusten Brown story became a cause celebre.

    I don’t think we can know how Veronica will feel about her father Dusten Brown in ten or fifteen years.

    Read more:


    • TAO

      October 5, 2013 at 8:10 pm

      You’re right Lorraine – we can’t know but Miss V is four and traumatic memories stick far longer. I have them from that age but few everyday memories. I think indoctrination will play a role as well.


  4. Lorraine Dusky

    October 5, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    post script: The writing in the story is so biased in favor of the adoptive parents, the DeMartinos: a birth mother she’d never known (the girl was five months old when Olga Scarpetta tried to stop the adoption); “forced to defy the law to keep their family together”…


    • TAO

      October 5, 2013 at 8:11 pm

      “forced”…bias is still rampant in adoptive parents favor…the public views them as the saviors of the unwanted children…


  5. lynnemiller

    October 5, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    The adopters definitely have the power and the money.


  6. shadowtheadoptee

    October 7, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    The thing that stuck out to me was that the adoptive mother took her life? “If someone gave you a dog and then asked for it back, you’d tell them to go to hell”? Just such screwed up thinking. That was the 70’s, and yet today, people still don’t get it, and see children as commoddities, things, instead of a human being. It all just leaves me speechless. I keep thinking of the Saturday Night Live skit, “Really?” Come on people, (in general, not you guys) “Really?”

    Adoption is a life long sentence for everyone in the triad. No matter how much we try to explain, make them understand…I just don’t understand why people have such a hard time understanding that. Understand?


  7. Don't We Look Alike?

    October 8, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    It’s such a sad story that it also makes me feel at a loss for words.



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