It’s time for change…

04 May


Magnolia with rain dropsMy search was done via a Confidential Intermediary (also called a CI).  That was never the way I had imagined my search going throughout the years, but I couldn’t physically search, nor was my brain competent enough to do it either.  So, I was left with putting my search in the hands of strangers – not something I would have chosen before, but at the time, I felt I had no choice because it was important to share with them what happened to me, just in case, it could protect them.

Pretty sure I got a newbie, or as close to a newbie as you can get.  Otherwise, she was just clueless about how to communicate with your client.  Things got off to a rocky start with me having to email her boss and complain, and argue that her dead-ends, and statements of ‘fact’ were ridiculous given the ‘facts’ I had been given from a trusted source so many years before.  Turns out my facts were right, and she just hadn’t tried hard enough, or thought things through.  I don’t know if that contributed to what happened next, but if they did, she had a lot of growing up to do.

She sent me an email, the typical way she provided status updates.  I no longer have that email, but it started out pretty standard, and then, just another line within the update – your mother passed away on…

No, that is not the way to tell someone, someone who you know is sick, someone you have a phone number for, someone who has paid a lot of money for your service, and put her trust in you to do something that means the world her.  You don’t tell them via a status update email that their mother is dead.  As if, it really isn’t a big deal.  No concern that your client has wanted to meet her mother for as long as she can remember, and above all else, wanted to protect her any way she could, including using you.

I couldn’t believe someone was that cold to just insert that information inside a status update email, just an, oh by the way, I also found out your mother is dead.  She had my phone number, she should have called.  I shouldn’t have been blindsided that way.  It was a very cold way to find out, incredibly cruel.


Far too many adoptees I have spoken to, have also found a grave.  Every single year that states refuse to recognise that adoptees should have the same rights as non-adopted, means that many more adoptees will also find a grave.  It’s time for change.  We were the only party to the adoption without a voice, a choice – it’s time for that to change.  It’s also time for the adoption community to stand up and have our back.

Please join with Adoptee Rights, take part, contact legislators, let your voice stand for what’s right.

It’s time.



Posted by on May 4, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “It’s time for change…

  1. eagoodlife

    May 4, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    It’s time!


  2. Lara/Trace

    May 5, 2014 at 2:06 am

    Insensitive, absolutely. And they make people pay for it!


    • TAO

      May 5, 2014 at 7:03 pm

      At least it wasn’t an adoption agency – to me that seems like double dipping – first the AP’s and then the Adoptee too….not that I was an agency baby.


  3. Valentine Logar

    May 5, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    I was so fortunate, using Washington Adoptees Rights Movement (WARM) cost me very little and it was primarily court costs and a sliding scale based on my income at the time (very little). My experience with them was wonderful. They were kind, caring and sometimes over communicative, looking back this wasn’t terrible but at the time it was hard. My brother had the same experience with them, we were so fortunate.

    I am so sorry, the experience above was heartless and cruel.


    • TAO

      May 5, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      Thanks Val – I still can’t put into words how it made me feel, know I know why it is so important to tell someone that type of news in person or on the phone as a last resort. I paid $500+ and I had all the info they needed to start with because my files were open in addition to the few “facts” I also knew were true. I truly think she was a newbie and hopefully isn’t doing it anymore. At the end of the day I had to end up finding a relative to contact on my own anyway. I don’t want to say the company because they had a solid reputation and I think I just got unlucky.


      • Valentine Logar

        May 5, 2014 at 7:25 pm

        I think it was terrible and unkind. It is why I did name W.A.R.M., they truly were wonderful.


      • cb

        May 6, 2014 at 10:06 am

        They seem to forget that they are dealing with real human beings.



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