When I started dating as a teen, I found that the very moment the boy started caring about me, my emotions turned to ice. We were done. There were more than a few relationships in my teens that started out fine, and ended with the guy completely confused, because all he had done was tell me that he cared.
There was one boy who mom and dad really liked, a really nice guy, the perfect boyfriend, and when I dropped him like a hot potato mom asked what was wrong, and why I wouldn’t take his calls. She would tell me how nice he was, and how much I was hurting him, and that I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t explain why to her because I really didn’t understand it myself, except that if someone told me they cared or loved me, then all my feelings were gone in an instant. Nor could I stop myself from feeling that way, and reacting as I did. I couldn’t even force myself to talk to them. I didn’t have the words to explain, or the maturity to work through my instinctive primal response to being told he cared, or he loved me.
Over time, I did enough thinking to put words to what caused that reaction – if someone loves you, that means they will leave you, and leaving first is better. With more time I learned how to not run away, and continue the relationship to whatever conclusion it was meant to have. What never completely left me though, was the thought in the back of my mind, ready to pounce when I am not feeling strong, everyone leaves and if you love me, then it is just a matter of when, not if. Even today, I sometimes have to fight that feeling down, and I need to be reassured that it won’t happen again…
What triggered this memory to come forward? Reading the actual transition plan linked in the article…steel yourself for a wave of grief on behalf of this child if you read it…
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”
― Walt Whitman
Oct 2014: You may speak freely, but please try to use words that everyone can hear about your individual story or view. If you don't, those who can actually benefit won't hear it, I want to see change in my lifetime. I may refuse to approve certain comments.
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