Everyone leaves…
By TAO
When I started dating as a teen, I found that the very moment the boy started caring about me, my emotions turned to ice. We were done. There were more than a few relationships in my teens that started out fine, and ended with the guy completely confused, because all he had done was tell me that he cared.
There was one boy who mom and dad really liked, a really nice guy, the perfect boyfriend, and when I dropped him like a hot potato mom asked what was wrong, and why I wouldn’t take his calls. She would tell me how nice he was, and how much I was hurting him, and that I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t explain why to her because I really didn’t understand it myself, except that if someone told me they cared or loved me, then all my feelings were gone in an instant. Nor could I stop myself from feeling that way, and reacting as I did. I couldn’t even force myself to talk to them. I didn’t have the words to explain, or the maturity to work through my instinctive primal response to being told he cared, or he loved me.
Over time, I did enough thinking to put words to what caused that reaction – if someone loves you, that means they will leave you, and leaving first is better. With more time I learned how to not run away, and continue the relationship to whatever conclusion it was meant to have. What never completely left me though, was the thought in the back of my mind, ready to pounce when I am not feeling strong, everyone leaves and if you love me, then it is just a matter of when, not if. Even today, I sometimes have to fight that feeling down, and I need to be reassured that it won’t happen again…
What triggered this memory to come forward? Reading the actual transition plan linked in the article…steel yourself for a wave of grief on behalf of this child if you read it…
Tags: abandonment, adoptee, adoptees, adoption, adoption impact, adoptive family, biological family, birthmother, considering adoption, Grief, mothers, rejection, truth
The adopted ones blog 
eagoodlife
July 31, 2013 at 11:36 pm
So sorry, so familiar………
LikeLike
franwhelan60
August 1, 2013 at 7:45 am
I would NEVER say I love you to a boyfriend. I figured my Dad must have said it to my Mum, and look what he did to her. Even today, im not sure what love is, I think I may have experienced it, but its not in my life at the moment
LikeLike
Susan Beckman
August 1, 2013 at 11:46 pm
I went the opposite way and fell for every boy who paid me the slightest bit of attention. One time my parents asked me if I wanted to end up like my birth mother! I’ll never forget that day…..
LikeLike
lea
August 2, 2013 at 2:30 am
WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE MEAN TO THE ADOPTEES WHO HAVE HAD A BAD ADOPTION I AM ADOPTED AND HAVE NEVER FELT LOVED OR ACCPETED BY ONE PERSON I DONT KNOW OF ANY NON ADOPTEES THAT HAVE LIVED LIKE THAT SO BEING ADOPTED IS BAD THERE IS THE PROFF THAT BEING ADOPTED IS A BAD LIFE IT IS MUCH BETTER TO NOT BE ADOPTED BECAUSE NON ADOPTED PEOPLE CANT FIND LOVE AND ACCPETACE FROM OTHER PEOPLE AN ADOPTEE CANT
LikeLike
lea
August 2, 2013 at 2:34 am
NON ADOPTEES ARE ALWAYS ACCEPTED BY OTHER PEOPLE ADOPTEES ARE NEVER LOVED AND ACCPETED BY PEOPLE I AM ADOPTED I HAVE NEVER HAD REALTIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE OR BEEN CLOSE TO ANYBODY I HAVE NEVER HAD FRIENDS OR FEEL LOVED OR ACCPETED BY ONE PERSON MY WHOLE LIFE I DONT KNOW OF ANY NON ADOPTEE WHO HAVE LIVED LIKE ,I HAVE
LikeLike
lea
August 2, 2013 at 2:38 am
WHY IS IT THAT THE NON ADOPTEE CAN BE ACCPETED BY EVERYBODY BUT THE ADOPTEE HAS TO BE IGNORED AND REJCTED BY EVERYBODY NOBDY EVER ACCPETS THE ADOPTEE WHY IS THAT
LikeLike
lea
August 2, 2013 at 2:40 am
WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE THE ADOPTEE AND LOVE THE NON ADOPTEES THE NON ADOPTEES CAN NEVER DO NOTHING WRONG WHERE THE ADOPTEES IS HATED BY EVERYBODY AND DOES EVERYTHING WRONG WHY IS THAT WHY IS THE ADOPTEE ALWAYS THE BAD GUY AND THE NON ADOPTEE IS THE GOOD GUY WHO CANT DO KNOW WRONG
LikeLike
lea
August 2, 2013 at 2:45 am
THE ADOPTEE SEEMS TO GET TO BE THE BAD GUY THAT EVERYBODY HATES AND THE NON ADOPTEES ARE LOOKED AT AS HEROES AND GOOD GUYS THAT ARE LOVED BY EVERYBODY I HATE NON ADOPTEES
LikeLike
Don't We Look Alike?
August 2, 2013 at 3:25 am
Man, does this ever sound familiar . . . .
LikeLike
cb
August 2, 2013 at 12:43 pm
Lea – all capitals mean one is “shouting” and makes it hard to read.
As for hating “non-adoptees” – one would have a very small circle of friends if that was the case – I’d have to also hate all my relative (both afamily and bfamily).
As to the actual post – I actually did like nice guys but then always tended to think that they deserved better than me. For a while, I hung around with gay guys because I’d at least say to myself there was a good reason why they didn’t fancy me lol.
As for people in general, I tended not to let people think I’ve actually gone out of the way for them, even if I had – I’d always make them think that I was just doing something “in passing”. I think I did this (and sometimes still do) so that the person didn’t need to feel “oppressed” by my doing something for them, i.e. I didn’t want them to ever think they owed me anything. I don’t know if that makes sense or is even relevant.
LikeLike
womenembracinggodandeachother
August 2, 2013 at 4:31 pm
OH wow, Susan … I’m so sorry to hear of your story. Let’s face it, Adoptees are very different. We have different emotions and ideas, and see the world through different lenses than non-adoptees. Of course, all roses are not red, but for the most part we have a unique existence and it is affirming to hear other adoptees discuss their experiences and feelings. God Bless parents who sacrifice to give their children a life that they can’t provide them at that time. God Bless parents who adopt children and take good care of them physically and emotionally! God Bless my fellow adoptee Brothers and Sisters across the world, who work hard at understanding a process that really is outside of real understanding!
LikeLike
lea
August 26, 2013 at 1:31 pm
i don’t have any friends i have nbody and its awful i never was accepted by my adopted family and i was not accepted by people nobody wants to be around me and its awful to be treated that way i am a nice person and don’t deserve this awful treatment from people
LikeLike