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That whole Meant To Be thing…

25 Jun

From my understanding this may be part of someone’s faith and I’m not trying to disrespect that, but delve respectfully into how problematic that can be in adoption.  Nor am I trying to disrespect parents who feel that way down the road that their family was what their family was supposed to be, that seems different somehow.

But, the deep dark rabbit hole it creates when you try to tie the Meant To Be based on a faith premise, combined and intertwined with adoption, specifically domestic infant adoption, just doesn’t work.  The places you have to go to get there, oh my.

So, lets break down what was said and was promoted on the adoption business page on FB.  I’m not linking to it, people going there and commenting isn’t going to do any good, perhaps more harm than good.

The main premise is that God creates people based on a need by others and what a blessing that is.  As a stand alone statement it’s fine, God gave an individual just the right level of everything they needed to find a cure for a dreadful disease.  It’s when you go down the rabbit hole to try to make it work in domestic infant adoption that it gets ugly.

What a blessing to a family who may not be able to conceive children on there own, what a blessing that God created Birth Moms to have babies for these families!

In the statement made the ones obviously in need are couples with infertility that want to be parents but can’t have children of their own.  So, to solve that, God created special women to produce babies that were created solely to be given to other people with infertility who wanted to be parents.

There is no other way to explain it, spin it.  A group (or class) of women were created for the purpose of giving away their babies.  And what’s worse, the target audience for this page is young pregnant woman.  Young women who are not only very vulnerable at this point in their lives, some, perhaps most in that age group wouldn’t be mature enough to know if they were being managed hoping they’d choose adoption, regardless if it was the best or worst choice for them.

If I apply this premise to myself, because my adoption was a domestic infant adoption, my mother was created with the purpose to go have sex before she was married.  Her having sex with my father happened so I could be created and given away at birth.  For her to be forever changed by that, to live out her life thinking of me every day until the day she died.  Going even further down that rabbit hole, even though my parents weren’t looking to adopt, this whole process over decades and many people, happened because they needed to adopt me.

So, not only was my mother created to create me and give me away, I was created to be given away, to lose my family, to live my life without family health history and deal with the struggles throughout my life because of being adopted, the grief, self-esteem challenges based on rejection, they were all pre-ordained.  My only question is how many generations in my maternal and parental lines were created to make sure my mother, father, and myself were created so I could be adopted.

Adoptive parents – you hold the power by your place in adoption.  If, or when you see garbage like this, please stand up and denounce it.  This has no place in an adoption that is ethical.  None.

 

 

 

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29 Comments

Posted by on June 25, 2017 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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29 responses to “That whole Meant To Be thing…

  1. Sheryl Ramseyer

    June 25, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    Excellent post! Very well said. Thank you!

    Like

     
  2. cb

    June 25, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    Well said.

    Like

     
  3. Cindy

    June 26, 2017 at 1:01 am

    Ouch!!!!!!!

    Those that think this way, what do they say to the mothers that never have another child (suffered infertility DUE TO adoption loss or a so-called adoption plan)? God’s plan too?

    Here (birth) mother have a baby (that you wanted and loved) give it away to this nice infertile couple. Oh, and while your at it, take on their suffering from infertility too. Whether a mother has another child/ren or not, this is just wrong.

    Here mommy, suffer for the rest of your life so they can be ‘happy’. Oh, it’s SUCH a blessing. Eew, some kind of sick there.
    Here adoptee, suffer for the rest of your life with mind messing confusion and likely abandonment and trust issues and maybe a whole pack of anger, and you don’t need to know anything at all about who or where you came from. You’re SUPER (man) BABY . You just fell outta the sky, ya know, the place where our ‘god’ is supposed to reside. Ooooh what a blessing. Narf!

    Real easy for the recipients to call it a blessing. Haven’t they even considered how it feels to lose a child? Hmmmm? Surely they understand that. Too young, too poor and oooh they “gifted” me/us their baby and I/we “helped” both mother and baby…again I say, Narf!

    Sorry for the disgusted mother not a mother blast Tao. I still have things to (forced smiley face) “work through”. Sigh.

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  4. Heather

    June 26, 2017 at 5:17 am

    This hurts my heart so much.

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  5. pj

    June 26, 2017 at 1:08 pm

    What a blessing to a family who may not be able to conceive children on there own, what a blessing that God created Birth Moms to have babies for these families!

    Hmmm…but not if, according to recently enacted legislation in Texas, South Dakota ,Alabama the foster care or adoption agency that receives state funding disapproves of the” family” based on religious grounds. So God created….but God can taketh away that “blessing” .
    Thanks,Tao for pointing out the whole NOT meant to be thing !!!

    Liked by 1 person

     
  6. jazzygirl

    June 26, 2017 at 3:00 pm

    Wow, what a terribly demeaning phrase for birth mothers, “what a blessing that God created birth moms to have babies for these families!” To me, it speaks of ignorance. I don’t believe God ever intended for children to be separated from their original families. Unfortunately, it occurs for a number of reasons, which would take another entire post to discuss! I have struggled over the whole institution of adoption as an adoptee – I feel that I’m not for or against adoption, but for the welfare of children. Remarks like the one made by the individual quoted here are ignorant and misguided to say the least. Adoption has multiple faces – children truly need permanency, and yet often people do not understand that adoption = trauma and psychological/emotional distress for the child and birth mother.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      June 26, 2017 at 3:20 pm

      Yes to everything you said. Ignorance like this has no place in adoption.

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  7. Lori Holden

    June 26, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    I attempted to denounce. I left this comment, which the Page then marked as spam and unpublished:

    “I’m an adoptive mom, and I do agree with this sentiment that we should not diminish women who place a child for adoption in any way. But that’s exactly what the sentiment “God created Birth Moms to have babies for these families” does.

    That’s like saying God created fatal car crashes so organ donors can be created. It doesn’t seem that God would (or we should) reduce one person’s life to another person’s purpose. This sentiment about creating ignores the destruction piece.”

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      June 26, 2017 at 10:56 pm

      Thanks Lori.

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • TAO

      June 26, 2017 at 11:08 pm

      It says a whole lot about what is important to the professional – that they’d mark a very gentle comment from an AP, specifically one that is well known, as spam. A whole lot that tells me the statement works…and how sad it is that one day, probably years from now, they’ll realize what was done. And when they try to talk about it, people will tell them they’re sorry but adoption is so different now, that never happens.

      But I also wanted to welcome you to the worlds of adoptees where people don’t want to hear it, even if we craft the message in words that can be heard, because it doesn’t tell them what they want to hear. Cheers Lori!

      Liked by 3 people

       
  8. Lynn

    June 27, 2017 at 6:37 am

    “What a blessing to a family who may not be able to conceive children on there own, what a blessing that God created Birth Moms to have babies for these families!”

    This is messed up. I love Lori’s comparison to car crashes.

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  9. beth62

    June 29, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Obviously it was in God’s plan for me, an Adoptee, to not be the great Adoptee martyr so many say (non-real-people / things created for others by non-real-people) Adoptees, are born to be.

    I threw Meant to be out there many times this month while visiting some of my families that absolutely love Meant to be. Praise God!! Amen! Bless yer heart!

    They didn’t like it one bit, but couldn’t argue it, annoyed the crap out of them LOL I enjoyed it, I really did, no stress, I/it wasn’t mean, I was sincere. I think I’ll do it again with them next year… well, if it’s in God’s plan again for next year. 😉

    If you truly think that way, and give it all to God – Everything that is, is meant to be by God. Not just the good stuff, or stuff prayed for, everything done by God deserves praise.

    The divorce, the injuring car wreck, the layoff, the college grad that chose to travel on Dad’s dime instead of work, the illnesses people are suffering, the traffic, the junker car, the broken air conditioner, the pregnant abstinance only trained college freshman with the perfect GPA. 🙂

    I confess (evil grin) I said to the anti-sex and birth control parents when they told me, what I always say when I hear of a pregnancy, “Congratulations!!” This time, especially for them, cause I love em, I added, “Praise God! It was meant to be!! It is! It must be meant to be by God!! You get to be grandparents! Oh how wonderful, God has smiled on your family! Your grandchild was meant to be with his/her (single) mother and you, and me!! in this world! How Wonderful! Praise God!! He will provide!!

    If I only had a picture of their stink faces…

    What I didn’t say? 🙂 Told ya so! ahahahahaha. I normally wouldn’t laugh at this kind of thing, but I may believe that this one was a true gift from God to me. A perfect beautiful gift for my enjoyment.
    Another (hopefully the new Mom too) in the family to fight against the “lawfully begotten” idea. Happy Family Day.

    It”s entirely to easy to use and twist. After leaving with a prayer and finally returning to the dock, one of mine couldnt take the preachin anymore and lovingly said: Huh, bad fishing day? God must not think you deserve fish today, it is obviously in his plan. Better LUCK tomorrow, keep the faith, better pray your prayers better!

    Then embarassed politician preacher man with a bruised ego and full of excuses for not catching anything says, “I guess so, but what makes you think you are deserving by God to catch so many?”

    The golden one says, Oh, I’ve never thought that, I just went fishing and caught fish. Maybe I’m just a better fisherman than you. Hey, maybe I have more faith in my ability to fish!! Heck if I know, ask Mom! She caught more than anyone!

    That was a good laugh. Good thing I was in the water swimming 🙂
    I said, “Hmmm, I’m not sure what God thinks, but it certainly looks like it was meant to be by God for you to clean all those fish I caught! Praise God! Amen!” and quickly went under and swam a few docks away to meet my friend for yummy beachy snacks 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      July 1, 2017 at 9:02 pm

      Love the response to the anti-sex/birth control parents on the meant to be pregnancy…you go girl.

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  10. L4R

    July 1, 2017 at 2:52 am

    My mom has always used that phrase. She is religious, and she believes it.

    Of course, the truth is that I was just the next child in line. If it hadn’t been me, it would have been another baby.

    In part, it probably helps adoptive parents to cope. If it was meant to be, they don’t need to feel badly at all for the first family.

    Have always hated that phrase.

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    • TAO

      July 1, 2017 at 9:01 pm

      Me too L4R – but it wasn’t something used in our home that I remember. I do remember mom noting long after we were grown when we were chatting – if we hadn’t adopted you where would you have been…but that was based on the ignorance of the time towards us bastards.

      I do have to say after my son passed it helped in a weird way, except it didn’t in the long run, it just prolonged it – if that makes sense.

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  11. beth62

    July 4, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    This is the only “meant to be” that I can find in the bible.

    Mark 4:22 For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.

    https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+4&version=NIV
    I love reading the parables, my fav parts in the book.

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    • TAO

      July 4, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      That’s funny Beth. I do think that would be an awesome adoption meme seeing as there seems to be an uptick in AP’s not telling their child they’re adopted.

      It’s meant to be that you tell your child they’re adopted instead of keeping it hidden: “Mark 4:22 For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.”

      I love stories that tell you how to live your life.

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  12. beth62

    July 5, 2017 at 2:39 pm

    It certainly fits in there fairly well. And I did get a chuckle when only that one verse, spoken by Jesus, came up in the search for ‘meant to be’.
    I remember my lil’ grandma preaching to me about false prophets and prophesying. She wouldn’t even read a horoscope 🙂

    Ezekiel 22:28 Her prophets whitewash these deeds for them by false visions and lying divinations. They say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says’—when the Lord has not spoken.
    In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

    The religious language can sound so controlling, especially when the preachin gets twisted and used. It’s so easy to pick out a statement and use it to back your words/actions, to use it to control a situation, decision or person/s.

    Bossy I can handle 🙂
    But control by fear doesn’t work for me.
    I can say “No,” to bossy. not so hard.
    It is what it is, suck it up, keep moving.
    Shit happens, you’ll be alright, pull yourself up out of the mud and go do what ya gotta do.
    Just do it! No Fear! Never give up!

    I can say No to all that if I’m in the No Mood. Or “bite me”, not so hard to do. I can say those things to myself and others, in hopes of helping, motivating, I’m pretty bossy :/ Sometimes it works, I never expect to control anyone or myself with it.

    It was meant to be by God, he won’t give you more than you can handle, give it up to God, Be Grateful for what you do have. We’re all God’s children. Jesus loves you. He will provide. Trust in God.

    A spiritual believer, like me, even a non-believer, might have a real hard time saying “No”, when it seems like you might be saying No to God. Saying No to the idea of God, or telling the believer he is wrong.
    That language is kinda scary to me. Controlling.
    Reminds me of one of my favorite songs 🙂 🙂

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  13. beth62

    July 5, 2017 at 10:33 pm

    I didn’t know I was putting a pic of granny smokin a big ole blunt on your page!! Had a differnt pic on youtube LOL you can delete if you want

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • cb

      July 6, 2017 at 11:18 pm

      LOL – love the picture Beth, TAO better not remove it!

      You make me laugh so much Beth (while still hitting the nail on the head in everything you say).

      Liked by 1 person

       
  14. cb

    July 6, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    “What a blessing to a family who may not be able to conceive children on there own, what a blessing that God created Birth Moms to have babies for these families!”

    First of all, as a typist, the “there” is annoying me – it is “their”!

    That whole sentence says to me as a an adoptee – hey adoptee, guess what, God’s “heart” is for those who are unable to conceive first and foremost and you should be glad that he is using you to help those “in need”

    I remember an article about a rather grotesque way of getting “eggs” where an “ethicist” said “most of the ethical qualms pale beside the good that can be done for infertile couples” and to me that is something that has been the mindset in adoption and is still definitely the mindset in third party reproductive medicine.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Heather

      July 7, 2017 at 3:53 am

      Of course those who are paying for a service are the ones who deserve help. Ethics be damned!

      It makes me sick to my stomach.

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  15. beth62

    July 7, 2017 at 12:52 pm

    I guess it’s no surprise that creating or obtaining babies is dripping with religious ideas.
    The preachers tell me God’s intention for us is to pro-create.
    I’ve never read “no matter what” though. I always thought it was more of a suggestion to all, not a command 🙂
    The advertising for surrogate mothers has gotten strong near me. Pays $50k. Lots of physical requirements, including experience. It’s starting to get to me, there is even a billboard near me, “!$50,000!” is the largest thing on it.
    Yes, makes my stomach turn, with worry for my neighbors.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      July 7, 2017 at 4:10 pm

      It makes me sad, I’d worry too Beth. Things I hear in religious circles is stuff I never heard – wondering if it’s always been this way in some religions or it is just a new method of controlling their flocks.

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      • beth62

        July 7, 2017 at 8:40 pm

        I think the religious has gotten nicer, maybe. Instead of control by fear of hell and damnation, it might be more like control by loss of love and acceptance – if you don’t act right, do right, believe right, what they say is right, eventually you will loose.

        Just wait until the artificial wombs put surrogate mothers out of work.
        The ethical arguements and beliefs, I’m already interested in what they might be then.
        I guess the artificial will be meant to be then. A blessing to all. If you have the money, or credit.

        Liked by 2 people

         
      • beth62

        July 8, 2017 at 6:24 pm

        I think it’s always been. Entirely too much to read about it all! It just starts with the bible. So much written about change, by so many People, for soooo long. 🙂
        If you’re really, really, bored here’s one guys description of how some things changed. Still everchanging IMO.

        http://biblehub.com/library/killen/the_ancient_church/chapter_iii_false_brethren_and.htm
        False Brethren and False Principles in the Church: Spirit and Character of the Christians.
        The Ancient Church — William Dool Killen

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  16. beth62

    July 14, 2017 at 2:22 pm

    I heard a 10 yr old kid I know say this, we were having snow cones at the pool. Just now really mixing it in with meant to be… I’m kinda slow sometimes.

    She says; Hey Mz B
    I say; Hey, I know you, you’re _____’s daughter, ____
    She said: Yep I’m an Extra.
    I say: You are? ?Are you going to be in a movie, a play?
    She; I don’t think so, do you?
    me; I don’t see why not.
    her; I hope not, it’s too embarrassing to me.
    Me; Oh no, why are you embarrassed?
    her; Because I’m an extra.
    me: Ohhh, did you try out for something else?
    her; No, not really, my Mom was sick, and my Dad was gone, it just happened.
    me; Ohh, I’m sorry. Maybe it will be good practice this time and next time you can pick the part you want to try.
    her; I don’t think it works that way, extras don’t get a choice, God chooses.
    me; Oh…???…arrgg….um.. What do you mean?
    her: God chooses which kids go first and which kids are extras. The extra ones go to the extra Mom and Dad’s like mine who want more kids but can’t have anymore.
    me: Ohhhh
    me; Huh, know what, I’m an extra kid too. And an extra Mom
    her; No way, you don’t look like an extra.
    me: Neither do you.
    her; hmmm
    me; Did anyone tell you that extras rule?
    her; haha, no.
    me; Ask that boy right there who is really in charge.
    her; hey butthead, who’s really in charge?
    boy; That crazy lady sitting next to you.
    her; hmmm, you’re crazy too?
    me; That’s what they say
    her; They say that about me too, I don’t like it.
    me; I don’t mind it. People do what you want them to if they think you’re crazy.
    her; yep, like my Mom! i do what she says when she acts crazy.
    me; See, it works. Ask your Mom if she thinks our country is run by crazy people.
    her; I will. hmmm I could be an extra crazy president!
    me: I hope so! High Five Baby 🙂 Extra Crazy rocks and rules

    Talked to mom a bit later. Said her daughter told her I said to ask if the country was run by crazy people, after answering yes and asking why she’d asked. Didn’t really want me talking politics with a 10 yr old LOL so I told her she called her crazy too, haha, and then the reason for our talk about extra crazy. Mom responds; Oh great, she comes up with some extra good ones.
    Me; Good for her 🙂 Mom tells me her daughter has been extra quiet this summer, could tell she’s mulling on something…

    She didn’t say ‘meant to be by god’, but she said the same thing. I guess it’s The explanation for kids, and it works sometimes, it is pretty simple, plus no arguing with God right? It may never have been an explanation to her for all I know, I think it’s an easy idea to find in many places, pick up and use, and it may even help sometimes, so much goes with it though. Like you said TAO, you may end up down in that rabbit hole.

    I didn’t tell the sweet baby she was wrong or right, but I did sort of join in, seemingly agree. I was kinda confused during most of the conversation! But maybe I added some extra to think about – extra doesn’t automatically mean you’re at the back of the line, in a different line or in the crappy line for everything. I dunno. I’m avoiding kids this weekend!! Maybe I can help her find a way out of that hole before she gets really lost in there…maybe some time later next week LOL

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