To me – this isn’t an analogy I would ever use…
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“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough” ― Walt WhitmanCommenting
Oct 2014: You may speak freely, but please try to use words that everyone can hear about your individual story or view. If you don't, those who can actually benefit won't hear it, I want to see change in my lifetime. I may refuse to approve certain comments.Recent Comments
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Who knew…
The adopted ones blog 
kellie3
July 7, 2013 at 4:48 pm
UGH! Yes, indeed!
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monk-monk
July 7, 2013 at 6:17 pm
spouses choose to love their spouse. there isn’t (usually) coercion in marriage. And it’s between two consenting adults, and can be reversed if someone wants it to (with relative ease). One is not cut off from the rest of their family when they are married, and while a name change happens, it is by choice and not legally imposed upon people.
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TAO
July 7, 2013 at 6:25 pm
True although that wasn’t the main reason I literally cringe and say yuck…
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monk-monk
July 7, 2013 at 6:27 pm
Yeah, I get it 🙂 I just have countered that analogy a lot in my real life, and it usually surprises people when I break it down that way for them!
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TAO
July 7, 2013 at 6:29 pm
Too funny – thought for a minute perhaps I was way off base and no one else thought that… 🙂
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kellie3
July 7, 2013 at 7:42 pm
Of course, I haven’t been reading adoption stuff for long, and I tend to stay away from the really inflammatory stuff, but I’ve not seen this comparison used before. I’m right there with you on the yuck factor. In fact, I’ve just realized I’m typing this reply with the “oh gross” look on my face.
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TAO
July 7, 2013 at 7:47 pm
That’s the look when I read it. I’ve never had it explained to me that way but monk-monk has 😦 but in the last couple of weeks I have seen it three or four times and there’s just something wrong with trying to compare adult relationships with parent child relationships. Hopefully they are just grasping at straws and will be gently schooled or stumble on this post…
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iwishiwasadopted
July 7, 2013 at 8:27 pm
To me it’s like an arranged marriage. One party, usually the husband wants the bride. Sometimes the bride is not so sure. Adoptees are the reluctant brides who eventually learn to “love” their husbands. Usually they just learn to accept their fate.
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Dannie
July 8, 2013 at 4:52 am
Did you erase the post? I just saw blank and 8 replies
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TAO
July 8, 2013 at 1:59 pm
Not erased – clear your browser maybe or click on another post and then back to home?
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c
July 8, 2013 at 5:10 am
I think I know where you saw that and I had the same reaction.
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Brent Snavely
July 8, 2013 at 11:47 am
Once upon a time: I was told “we love you just like you were our own”. Because they never had “their own”, I began to wonder…
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keri
July 8, 2013 at 7:36 pm
i honestly do not expect my adopted children to love me as they would/do love their first moms……..and if i am honest with myself while i do love my adopted children unconditionally it is different then with my biological child……..he was like instant love…..the love with my other kiddos takes time…..for both them and me……..you know what bothers me is when pap’s say they are in love with their adopted child and all they have is a picture 😉 …….
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TAO
July 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm
Of course it is different between a bio and an adopted child…one you nurtured for months and one you just met that you can’t say – oh look he has Uncle Joe’s chin or personality or whatever comes to mind. That lack of kinship to identity too starts a relationship differently and I think that the need I see in some to be on par or better than biological is going to cause more problems than just accepting it’s different – perhaps I am wrong but the need to make it same or better is concerning. Why is different bad or seen as less than – why not just accept different and make the best of it – like they do in biological. Having talked to you Keri – I wouldn’t be worrying about the other part though – honestly…all relationships are different but that isn’t how you measure the value of what is given and taken and given back combined with history and memories…mom and dad are mom and dad – even though dad is gone now and that relationship’s value has continued over half a century… hopefully that made sense…
As to the picture and being in love – well an adoptee would be blasted for saying that 🙂 not saying some wouldn’t think that…
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keri
July 9, 2013 at 12:48 pm
tao i totally agree with what you said about accepting different……..i think for me i thought i was a really crappy adoptive parent when i didn’t “feel” the love…….at that time i was primarily only reading adoptive parents blogs and all they said was how it wasn’t different…..how they were so in love and the child was so bonded to them……and i thought cripes what is wrong with me……not until really understanding the implications that most adoptees do not choose their adoptive parents and should not be expected to instantly love these strangers did i realize love will come and i shouldn’t put so many expectations on the relationship…….i think these expectations that adoptive parents have are what cause so many problems………i’m just sorry adoptees voices were suffocated for many many years……this is one reason i am thankful for the internet………………..
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Dannie
July 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm
I haven’t seen the part where adopted kids can love their parents as much but I’ve seen the analogy about parents loving their kids like spouses can love each other.
Honestly the way I’ve seen it worded which is just from the parents pov doesn’t bother me that much, mainly as I read it as a parent or rather as an aparent stating: stop stereotyping, you don’t know how I love, and its not for you to decide how I love my kids. Just like adoptees don’t like people stereotyping how they should feel about adoption because honestly, only a person can feel the way they feel about their situation.
Now you take the saying and start deciding adopted children love the parents the same, that’s going a bit too far as we the parents can’t speak for children and how they feel.
But personally, if people start saying oh you are going to love your baby more than your daughter, I’d be ticked. That person doesn’t know my capacity for love or know the family dynamic in my household. Does it mean both my children will have the same experiences. No. Does it mean my daughter will always feel warm fuzzies about being adopted. No. But no one has the right to guess about my feelings for my kids.
I never think too much about analogies because no analogy is perfect anyways, and one can take it too far….for a cause…But if someone started saying crap about how my love must have to be different based solely on the adoption vs biology factor instead of viewing each child as different, I’d probably be snarky and use this depending on my mood for the day.
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TAO
July 9, 2013 at 2:06 pm
Dannie – my problem with the analogy is what spouses do together, and the attraction between them…that should never be used as a analogy to a parent child relationship. It makes me go yuck…
I think the start of the relationship is different – not the amount or type of love IN a parent/child relationship – if that makes sense. Perhaps with infant it is less noticeable but when expectations are set like in Keri’s circle and you pick up a toddler and it’s hard – it’s a different beginning – the feelings of attachment have to form, and it isn’t always easy, or quick, and in some cases it never will be…
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Dannie
July 9, 2013 at 3:59 pm
Lol oh well oops. Yeah ok didn’t think about that whole intimacy part. Yeah that’s a yuck factor.
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