Thoughts for Adoptive Parents to Mull On

20 Nov

What would you say if I said I wasn’t thankful I was adopted?

Would you say that I must have had a bad experience and you’re sorry?

Would you also tell me that you know other adoptees who are thankful they were adopted? That they love being adopted? That they are thankful they weren’t aborted?

Would you maybe even say I was anti-adoption?

Or instead, would you say that you too aren’t thankful that you couldn’t get pregnant or that you could but never managed to carry a babe to term. That you chose adoption because you couldn’t have your own, yet you still wanted to be a parent?

Or would you tell me, instead, that you always intended to adopt after you’d had your own? Telling me that having your own was still really important for you, yet telling me that it shouldn’t be for me?

Because it’s past time that the adopting side of the adoption started being honest, instead of pretending that people who adopt, especially those who only want babies, wouldn’t have paid, or done just about anything to have had their own.

And you know what? There is no shame in feeling that way, there really isn’t. It’s natural and normal to want to bring a child into the world. Just like it is natural and normal to not love not being raised by your parents, whatever the reason. There is shame though, in shaming adoptees who really don’t like being adopted and to make them feel bad for voicing their honest feelings, but then, not shaming yourself for your own hypocrisy too. 

That’s my takeaway.

Oh, and do exclude yourself if you don’t fit the above criteria because there are some who always intended to adopt and not have their own and never tried. None of you get a pass for shaming an adoptee who doesn’t like being adopted, an adoptee who is struggling with all that is being adopted means.


P.S. The above is written for you to sit back and think about how you instinctively react to any adoptee who struggles with being adopted, how you treat them, what you think of them, simply because, they told you their truth. We all need to give space to be honest with feelings, it’s a big problem in adoptionland and has been for years. Adoptees too need to give that same space too.


Posted by on November 20, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “Thoughts for Adoptive Parents to Mull On

  1. Dannie

    November 20, 2020 at 7:37 pm

    My daughter does not like many things that I love. That’s ok. I’m thankful she’s in my life and that it was her…..her thoughts on adoption are her own and I can’t change them nor is it my place to just like it’s not her place to change my views and thoughts either. If we all just focus on the fact that even little mini mes (because I have both) won’t be exact replicas of oneself I think so many adult parent child relationships would be better. Happy weekend before thanksgiving ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      November 20, 2020 at 8:14 pm

      You to Dannie.


  2. Laksh

    November 20, 2020 at 9:33 pm

    Your posts always make me think. Knowing what I know now, I’d probably say “Hugs. I cannot understand what it is like being in your shoes as my lived experience is different but I will support you in ways I can.” Extending that to my children, I am keeping the doors open to hard conversations all the while reminding myself not to take anything personally because this truly is not about me.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. beth62

    November 21, 2020 at 2:56 pm

    A “grown up conversation” between old people who were not raised by their original parents…

    You were lucky you didn’t get adopted.
    You were lucky you got adopted.
    No, you were.
    No, you were.
    Maybe, but you’re lucky too.
    Yeah, maybe, but you’re lucky too.

    me: Well, now I’m feeling lucky too. What kind of lottery tickets do ya’ll want me to buy? Maybe we can all be thankful for our luck this week! 😀 Maybe.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    November 22, 2020 at 8:00 am

    beth62, LOL. Thanks for the chuckle.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. KPMominTexas

    December 7, 2020 at 2:28 pm

    I’m surprised how many people who are not even part of the triad tell adoptees how they “should feel”. If I’ve learned anything from 2020 it’s we need to listen more, learn from others, especially things we’ve never experienced. Everyone should be allowed to share their own story but even more we should want to be a listener. Yes, sometimes as a birthmom I feel like I have no voice. I have to be so careful how I share my story. This has been a year to not just figure out what my story even is, but understand more about my daughter’s story. I think people become dismissive because it can be uncomfortable when the story doesn’t go the way you think it should or wish it would. But once we decide to really listen and learn even through the hard stuff, we grow into a person with empathy, something our world needs more of. Maybe 2020 has given me that. God is definitely doing a healing work in my life.

    Liked by 4 people


Tell me your thoughts, but please be nice...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: