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Good grief, this gets so tiring…

23 Aug

By TAO

Earlier this week the Today Show included a segment on a daughter meeting her mother for the first time.  A daughter that resorted to using Facebook to try to find her by putting her personal information out on the internet (risky), but it paid off, and a reunion happened.  So what happens in the comments on the Today Facebook page after the segment aired?  (Be warned that I am using “adoptive parents” repeatedly throughout because that is what was used)

Many adoptive parents and/or friends of adoptive parents acting badly…

What part of an adoption reunion story between two grown women (a daughter and her mother by birth), involves the parents who adopted her?  What relevance is there including them in a story about a reunion between two people…

I’ve read most of the comments and most have no interest in the reunion story, just whining and bitching that the “adoptive parents” were left out, not interviewed, not part of it, some questioning her relationship with her “adoptive parents”, others like the adoptee who included this sentence in her comment: “For 22 years her Mom got up in the middle of the night, diapered her, fed her, wiped her tears & loved her (remember, she was chosen).” – say what?   Others that said the “adoptive parents” should have been consulted about the reunion…I just quickly pulled three comments out that aren’t as extreme as those to give you an inkling…

“I agree. I am an adoptive mother and would support contact between my daughters and their birthmothers. But the parents who raised the girl should have at LEAST been mentioned. I would like to know what kind of relationship the girl has with the parents who raised her.”

“I think leaving the adoptive parents out of this story is really a shame. That’s who raised the baby through her life. They deserved to share their thoughts, as well as given proper credit for raising her. No fault of the daughters or birth mother, but certainly that part of the story left a gaping hole full of questions.”

“And the adoptive parents who raised this child, LOVED this child EXACTLY THE SAME as a biological child, SACRIFICED for this child, most likely PAID for her lovely wedding, put their heart and soul into raising this child are given ONE sentence in this article… Seriously??? When you adopt a child you aren’t just “filling in” until the “real parents” can step in as adults. I’m happy that she reunited with her birth mother and that she can have the answers that she was looking for. But she belongs to her REAL parents, the ones who raised her. As a mom, an article like this written about my daughter would break my heart.”

For the last couple of days I’ve pondered why this happens, over, and over again, when the media highlights an adoption reunion story.  Why this need for the adoptive parents to be the focus, or their views heard on every story that has anything to do with adoption.  What does it say about who is important, who should always stay in the background, who should forever live their life focusing only on how great their adoptive parents are; at the expense of what the one adopted, needs.   I don’t understand it, this is not my experience, and it puzzles and worries me for the adoptees growing up today.  I hope it isn’t the experience for most adoptees who don’t have fully open adoptions, but I think it probably is based on the sheer volume of reiterations of the theme stating how horrible it was that the “adoptive parents” weren’t part of the segment.

It also reinforces that the adoptee is never allowed to be an adult, with adult feelings, and the ability to make her own choices.  This young woman chose to look for her mother by birth, yet, according to the many commenters, she needed a “mommy may I” before she searched, and then should have had them hold her hand when she reunited.  A woman in the eyes of the law, a child in the eyes of the adoption community, who should have had approval from her “adoptive parents” and they should have been part of the reunion…and if that didn’t happen, for shame…let the judgement begin.

And just so I’m very clear.  An adoptee who has reached the age of majority does not need to ask their “adoptive parents” permission, or blessings, or even tell them that they are going to search for their parents by birth, or that they succeeded.

The kicker to the story – this adoption apparently was a “semi-open” adoption as it seems letters were sent, and received, until the adoption agency closed, so the “semi-open” adoption closed when they did.  Not one comment I read asked why the “adoptive parents” did not make sure when the agency closed, that letters could still be able to be sent and received.  I’m guessing from some of the comments made by people claiming to be family, that they didn’t want their daughter to find her mother by birth.  I’m going to suggest if those comments are true, that the agency closing was probably okay with them, especially if a picture of one of the letters the mother by birth sent is correct because she signed it “your mother” (or something like that), and that can get some parents terribly upset – despite the reality that an adoptee usually does have two mothers and still knows who is mom…

The other required part of commenters to a specific adoption reunion story featuring two people has to have at least one, if many comments, like this…

“I wish these stories would also tell the truth about kids finding there biological parents and how sometimes it does not work out. Its so one sided.”

Funny, I don’t remember ever seeing comments in wedding stories about how not all marriages work out, the rate of divorce, and/or domestic abuse, and how that truth needs to be included so it isn’t one-sided…

Final note: Adoptees who want to meet their families of birth are going to search, and that includes putting their personal information out on the internet, Facebook is one of those places, and quite frankly, the adoption community as a whole should be angry that adults who were adopted as babies (or small children), are left with few options due to antiquated laws than to do something risky like that.  Adoptee Rights decades long fight to restore the right for an adoptee to get access to their own original birth certificate is what adoptive parents should be supporting, instead of whining and bitching on Facebook that other “adoptive parents” weren’t included in something that wasn’t about them, at all

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42 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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42 responses to “Good grief, this gets so tiring…

  1. Dot Girl

    August 23, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    AMEN…I commented on this article and was slammed by the pro adoption people. One woman said she hopes her son never fills the hole in his heart by searching for his birth mother. I asked her why she was so afraid and if she wrote a “dear birthmother” letter complete with either a scrapbook or lovely web page to highlight how she was better to parent this child than his own mother. The response I got was the mother of loss (my term not hers) abused this child until he was born and she saved him. Adoption in the eyes of most people who have not suffered adoption loss ..most notably the adoptee and the mother …is that these are unwanted children saved out of the goodness of the hearts of these wonderful people who take them in and care for them as if they were their own. What most people choose to ignore is this…most newborn adoption happens because a woman feels inadequate to parent due to finances, threatened homelessness, coercion from families, church, community and couples unable to have children biologically are lusting to have a baby..any baby and are willing to say, do and pay whatever it takes to get said baby. People do not want to adopt from the foster care system, they want babies that they believe are blank slates and who have no bond with their families of origin. What gets lost is the fact that these human being adopted are just that human beings who belong to no one but themselves. Any decisions they make as adults regarding who they choose to have relationships with are theirs and theirs alone to make

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      I was shocked by the sheer volume of comments upset that the AP’s weren’t part of it. I usually can put myself in another’s shoes to a certain extent and understand things better – but this was just so far over the line. Thanks for commenting.

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    • eagoodlife

      August 25, 2014 at 12:46 am

      And sometimes Dot Girl adoptees belong to anyone but themselves………

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      • Dot Girl

        August 25, 2014 at 12:55 am

        why would you say that? as human beings we only belong to ourselves and our decisions (good or bad) are ours to make alone. People like to think adoptees belong to their adopters ..they do not. I know many adopted people who feel obliged to their adopters because they are guilted into oblivion

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        • eagoodlife

          August 26, 2014 at 12:59 am

          I say that for the very reasons you elucidate above.

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  2. rhegankim82

    August 23, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    I’ve recently found and reunited with my mother. People for the most part have been very supportive and happy for me- but I cannot have a conversation without the question about how my aparents feel about it. I get that for most APs it is difficult- but no one is ever asking I wonder how it felt for an adoptee to put their personal info out on the internet or I wonder what it felt like to have the courage to search (just 2 of 1,000 I could think of). Adoptees who make it this far need the support of their APs and it’s too bad they weren’t given some training or information that this would be a desire of their child one day and that it really has nothing to do with their success as a parent. I could never make a decision on searching until I had someone come alongside me and say they were willing to help and support me. We can’t and shouldn’t do it alone but we certainly don’t need anyone’s permission or approval.

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2014 at 5:44 pm

      Thanks for commenting! I’m sorry that everyone seems to need to know what your parents feel about the reunion, I guess people just can’t stretch to having two families and why you would want to know both…

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      • rhegankim82

        August 23, 2014 at 5:50 pm

        It seems like people think you are choosing or replacing when really you are just adding (who technically were always there and thought of without names or faces). It has been incredibly healing to know of a family who has always loved and wondered about me and waited for this day. I’m so blessed this is my outcome (at least on my moms side) as I know it is not true for everyone.
        Too bad adoptees have to go and ruin the “perfect wonderful” institution of adoption by being human and wanting to know the whole of who we are. *note sarcasm here*

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        • TAO

          August 23, 2014 at 5:53 pm

          That’s it exactly – people ASSUME replacing when you are not (at least most aren’t (and if they are there is a reason for that as well))…

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  3. Stefani

    August 23, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    I just wrote the below piece for a conference, trying so hard to educate other parents by adoption! So frustrating to read the comments left about that story!

    “The truth is, my daughters have two mothers. The first who gave birth to them and made a selfless choice, and the second who raised them and loved them so selfishly. This truth will never change. Neither of us can usurp the others’ role. Both of us are important. Both of us are critical in the making of this amazing person.

    When building our family through adoption in the beginning, we are often only thinking about the adorable little baby that our social worker will place in our arms. My job is to encourage families to start thinking about the 15-year-old, the 20-year-old, the 35-year-old adult who that baby will become. We want our children to be able to look back at us, the parents who raised them, and believe that we did everything in our power to respect and honor all of who they are. We want them to feel a sense of wholeness knowing that we love and honor where they come from, who they were when they were born, and that we didn’t simply discard their truth. That is open adoption.

    When we replace fear with love and jealousy with acceptance, together (birth and adoptive families) we can walk a more direct path to raising healthier kids. When we raise our children to know that we love, honor and respect their birth family, we raise adults who truly know they are loved.”

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      Stephani – I taped an episode of Who Do You Think You Are with Vanessa Williams being the searcher. The very end was a part about reading what was said about her great grandfather after he passed – she said it was like she was reading about her father, not her great grandfather (who had passed away decades before he was born). I’ve found the same in researching my dad’s family – far more generations distant and it sounds like my dad. Nurture accounts for part of that but Nature plays a really strong role. Both are important and I can’t understand why people can’t make the leap from baby to adult feelings that child will have…

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Good luck with your conference (I liked what you wrote but forgot to add that in my comment)…

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    • Barbara Thavis

      August 23, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Stephani wrote:
      The first who gave birth to them and made a selfless choice…

      I am a mother coerced out of raising her child. I was not selfless, I was swindled out of my child by people telling me how GD selfless I was. I allowed my daughter to go to settled married people, that wasn’t selfless it was abandonment. When a mother wants to parent nothing should get in the way. It’s cruel when a society think mothers are interchangeable and that the wealthy are somehow more “ready” to take a child in their home, just because they have a dang home? It’s such a short time that the mother needs assistance.

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  4. pammcrae

    August 23, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    I’m both a birth mother and an adoptive mother, and after a lifetime (46 years) of living the adoption reality, I can state unequivocally that I am against adoption, except for older children and/or those with special needs who have no relatives to care for them. Of course, there will be exceptions, but very few if young women with surprise pregnancies get the support they need to enable them to parent their own children. I think adoptive parents who resent the birth mother or who pressure their adopted kid not to search are incredibly selfish and NOT loving. They certainly are not thinking about what is best for their child. I would hope that any PAPs contemplating adopting an infant today would be counselled to expect and encourage their child to reunite with their birth mother when the time comes. We’ve created a whole mythology about adoption, and it has grown into a Frankenstein monster. I regret giving up my son, and I have to say I regret adopting my Vietnamese son in an effort to fill the hole left in my heart. Because of my choices (under extreme pressure), I caused permanent harm to two boys, now men, and I will always carry that guilt. The least adoptive parents can do is support the child they adopted, as my first son’s have, not that they really care. Their indifference makes it easier for me, I admit. I hate to see a struggle between the aparents and the bparents over who is REAL and who isn’t. An adoptive parent is just that: “adoptive.” A child can only have one mother. Pam, mother to David (46, reunited in 2012), Tanner (44), Dabbs (40, adopted from Vietnam), and Saskia (38)

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    • TAO

      August 24, 2014 at 2:20 am

      Thanks Pam for commenting…as you say some will always need adoption. We live and learn from our life experiences and why we are forever changing our view. Wouldn’t it be sad though if we didn’t change – I look back at myself as a young adult and shake my head in disbelief that I could have been so unaware…

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    • Robin

      August 24, 2014 at 11:38 am

      ” We’ve created a whole mythology about adoption, and it has grown into a Frankenstein monster.”

      How True! And what a perfect way to express it. Thanks.

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  5. Lorene Wages Fairchild

    August 23, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    You nailed it!

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  6. onewomanschoice

    August 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    It’s so sad. For some reason, there has to be a hero and a villain. Adoption should never be about a super hero story. If this was a daughter who was raised by her father and step mother and she had reunited with her mother after many years, would these same concerns be raised? I highly doubt it. After twenty two years of waiting, why couldn’t this one short moment be about them. Actually, it’s about the adoptee. It’s her first, original, mother by birth acknowledging her, and accepting her in front of the world which translates to “I’ve always loved you”, whether or not I was confident or capable enough to parent you. Period! How wonderful for any human being to know they were loved by all their parents. Sure beats the alternative.

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    • TAO

      August 24, 2014 at 2:21 am

      Thanks onewoman – hero and villain – brilliant (the rest as well)…

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  7. lastmum

    August 24, 2014 at 12:27 am

    I agree with everything you’ve said, especially about infantalising adult adoptees by saying they must involve their adoptive parents. Unfortunately I rarely see comments sections on adoption-related stories end up with a lot of calm, sensitive and/or empathic comments, so I tend to totally avoid them!

    I’m an adoptive mum. My thoughts on reunion have changed a lot over the years. I started out assuming my future children would probably reunite, but a big part of me thought that if they didn’t tell me about their reunion, that made me a bit of a failure as a parent. I guess I assumed that not telling your adoptive parents must be a sign that you thought they would react badly or be secretly disappointed and not fully supportive, and therefore if my children didn’t tell me, it was a sign that I had failed to make them feel secure that I would always 100% support them with wanting to find their first parents.

    I don’t think that any more – I came to understand that there are many more reasons for keeping your reunion totally private than being worried about your adoptive parents reaction!

    But one thing I did always assume, until it happened, was that I would have no role to play in a reunion, except perhaps being a listening ear and background support to my child if they wanted me to do that. I just thought no adult would want their adoptive parents to be involved any further. I certainly didn’t feel entitled to be involved, as I think some adoptive parents do, because I always knew that reunion is a very private and personal thing between two people who deserve as much privacy as they need and want. Yet it turns out my (teenage) child does expect me to be involved, and very involved at times. Over 18 months into their regular contact, I still don’t feel very comfortable being involved precisely bcause there is no natural place for an adoptive parent to fit into a reunion, and I can’t work out exactly what my role is right now, or what it should be. I DO know that the last thing I would ever want to do is talk to a news outlet about it, because it means exposing yourself to “I would hate to be you, it’s so unfair on you that your child meets up with her birth mother” at the very least.

    I do genuinely like to hear about good reunion stories though. I am happy for people who are able to have a great relationship with their birth parents. Hence I watch ‘Long Lost Families’ on ITV with a box of tissues handy sometimes. How could I ever NOT be happy about it? Indeed, when I watch/read ‘happy reunion stories’, I also always feel deeply deeply sad that such “happy endings” (or happy beginnings really) have not been and will not be possible for my children and most of the young adoptees I know. It’s why I don’t watch Long Lost Families every episode – I can’t help drawing comparisons and it makes me too sad. And now I think I’m rambling and gone off-topic, so I’ll finish by saying again, great post.

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    • TAO

      August 24, 2014 at 2:08 am

      Thanks Lastmum,

      If you’ve been invited in then it’s because they know you will find the right fit. Perhaps you’ll be like my mom – seeing my siblings mother as her equal but different mother. That’s why it boggles my mind the reaction of some – is it really that hard to consider that two people who have one child in common can’t find a common ground and respect for each other.

      Thanks again for the comment…I wasn’t quite sure how this post would go over and it scared me a bit when so many stopped to read it…

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  8. Robin

    August 24, 2014 at 11:36 am

    This post is fantastic. Hits the nail on the head and covers all bases. We need to keep highlighting how adoption is not all about the adoptive parents. Society gives lip service that adoption is about the adoptee, but by the reaction to this new story it is clear that the adoptive parents feelings and pov are still paramount.

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    • TAO

      August 24, 2014 at 4:02 pm

      Thanks Robin…it clearly speaks to the power imbalance…

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  9. Valentine Logar

    August 24, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    As you know, I met my first parents many years ago and did so with the support and encouragement of my adoptive father (not so much my adoptive mother). Though those relationships were sometimes rocky, now 27 years later I am happy I have made that step and took that risk.

    My youngest biological sister was pressured into giving up her child. I didn’t know about her pregnancy (long story). The adoption was supposed to be open, now she has lost contact and her heart is broken. I have offered to help her find them, she is contemplating what to do.

    The idea grown people need permission or the aparents should be part of each reunion story is ludicrous. Everything isn’t about them and their ‘sacrifice’, it is a discussion I frequently had with my amother.

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    • TAO

      August 24, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Val, I can still remember mom telling me that if I wanted to find my family that they would help – I was a little kid then, but she said it would be normal to want to know them. They found the mother of one of my siblings, a phone call from me after my events asking if they would petition the courts for me, done, no questions asked. Mom asked me from time to time how the search was going, but just as normal conversation, in return, she was the first person I wanted too, and did show a picture of my mother too. It’s the way it should be regarding searching – no judgement, no aren’t we good enough, just what can I do and I’ll leave the rest in your capable hands…

      I was honestly shocked at the sheer audacity of al the posters on that FB Today page post, as well as how many had to pile on and reiterate it over and over again. It clearly showed the power imbalance between the three groups, as well as the entitlement/requirements/ego that imbalance creates. It made me sad.

      I hope your sister can reconnect, I hope the parents can have empathy and awareness. I’m sure your sister kind of feels like a rock between two hard spaces – what to do…

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      • cb

        August 25, 2014 at 2:23 pm

        My parents were the same – they were always OK about us finding our bparents.

        The replies were relentless – it seemed like no-one bothered reading any of the other comments. Both Carrie and Kelly made it quite clear that Carrie loved her aparents but it was like no-one was paying any attention. Even the article mentions that Carrie had “loving parents and had a great upbringing”.

        Also, as a couple of readers pointed out, perhaps the aparents didn’t want to be involved in the article. There might have been plenty of other photos of the newlyweds with Carrie’s aparents.
        I think there were family difficulties somewhere – there are about 12 replies to someone called Amanda who seems to be a friend of the aparents – several of the more interesting replies seem to be from Carrie’s sister in law (her brother’s wife) and also one from her bsister.

        The one thing I do find interesting in general is that people “assume” that it is the adoptee “abandoning” the APs to be with the bfamily. However, one thing I have noticed is that in some articles where the APs aren’t in the picture, it is because the APs have actually behaved badly themselves, eg telling the adoptee that they feel betrayed by them, that they are being disloyal etc. Usually, the articles themselves are very diplomatic and the adoptee downplays the situation but one can get the gist by reading between the lines. I’m not saying that is happening here although I get the impression that the extended adoptive family might not have been happy with the bmother being at the wedding.

        Btw I just wanted to say how sick and tired I am of reading the “shopping lists” eg “the real mothers are the one’s who kiss the boos boos, rock their child to sleep at night, attend all the concerts” etc. Do they really think every bmother out there goes “Phew, I’m so thankful I missed out on doing those things” – if anything, it would probably have the opposite effect since the lists always consist of things that many people would consider to be the “joys of motherhood” – even I read them and think that they would be the sort of things that would make motherhood worthwhile.

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        • TAO

          August 25, 2014 at 2:29 pm

          I’m still flabbergasted at the responses – and not just the responses but correct me if I am wrong but don’t they show up in their friends newsfeeds?

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          • Tiffany

            August 25, 2014 at 8:38 pm

            They do. I was particularly disturbed by the woman who has adopted eight kids from foster care, and how she repeatedly commented that her worst fear is that they leave her when they turn 18. Really? That’s your “worst fear?” Mine is something happening to my children, and I have found that to be a universal “worst fear” for most parents, not that their adult children may someday leave them. In spite of saying she has promised the birth parents not to say terrible things about them (which is weird… why would you *have* to promise that? Wouldn’t you naturally avoid it as part of being a good parent and loving your child???), she seems to harbor a lot of resentment towards them by saying that they get to stop by once a year with presents, while she has to be “the bad guy” and discipline her kids. I wonder about someone’s heart for their own children when she doesn’t see the terrible sadness in that- these children have so much to deal with, so much grief, sorrow, and loss, and she’s worried about herself. The whole comment thread was completely disturbing on multiple levels.

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  10. eagoodlife

    August 25, 2014 at 12:44 am

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    Leaving out adoptive parents……

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  11. Mary Kate

    August 25, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    I was over 30 when I searched, but as for the “Mother May I?” and your comment that we are adults “in the eyes of the law,” WRONG. I needed my adoptive mother to write a letter to the court to access some papers I needed to complete my search. I was well past either of the points that legally define “adulthood” (18 and 21), but I still had to ask my legal parents for assistance.

    My reunion has been hard on my relationship with my mom. But as for how it’s been for her, you’d have to ask her. It’s also been hard for my first mother, I’m sure, and it was sure as hell hard for me. Worth it, yes, but hard.

    Adoption is complicated, even when it’s the best possible choice and best possible circumstances. If we could accept that premise going in, I think life would be easier for all involved. All the parents are “real.”

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    • TAO

      August 25, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      Hi Mary Kate, I was referring to your rights as an adult, to vote, buy alcohol, sign a lease, get a loan, sign a contract, etc.. Yes, there are very archaic state laws still in some states and some are utterly ridiculous – why I note at the bottom that the adoptive parents today should be supporting that, not whinnying about some other adoptive parents being left out of something that had nothing whatsoever to do with them.

      Thanks for commenting!

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  12. rhonda serges

    August 25, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    As an adopted person, I was relieved when my adopted parents passed away because my indenturement to them was over. They were good people and I loved them but they also made me feel like I owed them something. I have been reunited with family but both of my natural parents were deceased before I found them.

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  13. Tiffany

    August 25, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    This kind of junk really infuriates me as an adoptive parent. Adults are adults. Period. I see many adults on the Today show who are being interviewed about life events that do not include their parents. Parents are an integral part of all our lives, but at some point, a child becomes an adult and moved forward with making her own decisions without checking back in with her parents. Such is life in general. But with adoption, there seems to be this ‘perpetual child’ issue where the parents remain forever an authority figure in their adult child’s life. I personally find it disturbing and weird.

    When my daughter is older, and she gets asked stuff like this, here is the response I hope she gives: “My mom told me I would be asked questions about this someday, and that people would be unnaturally concerned about how my normal adult choices impact her and her feelings. She told me that I was to tell people to kindly take their concern and shove it because she loves me, my happiness matters very much to her, and she’s not off sniveling in some corner, crying because she’s not my only mommy, alone and forgotten by me. My mom doesn’t ask for me to sacrifice my needs on the alter of appreciation for being adopted.”

    Bottom line, adopted or otherwise, our children owe us parents NOTHING. But we owe them a great deal, and if we love them, parents will only ever want to support their children at all ages and stages of life. I find some of the comments to be the most selfish things I have seen in a long time from parents, and it’s just really, really sad.

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    • TAO

      August 25, 2014 at 8:44 pm

      Thanks for chiming in Tiffany – I was nervous about this post because I wasn’t sure if I had crossed the fine line I try to keep here – talking about things instead of shaming – this post was too close for me to call. From everyone’s responses I think I stayed within my line – hopefully – I think they were acting badly…

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    • Cherry

      August 27, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      ‘She told me that I was to tell people to kindly take their concern and shove it because she loves me, my happiness matters very much to her, and she’s not off sniveling in some corner, crying because she’s not my only mommy, alone and forgotten by me. My mom doesn’t ask for me to sacrifice my needs on the alter of appreciation for being adopted.”’

      Tiffany, this made me snort with laughter!

      But truly, I think it would be great if you DID write such a ‘letter to my daughter’ regarding your healthy view on being her mother by adoption – you write so well, and I always like your angle on all this. Plus it would stop the usual ‘shopping list’ whiny drone more typically expressed elsewhere from seeming acceptable and normal.

      I hope you do. My son would love to read such a thing, I know.
      It’s also the stuff I think too, but can’t say as I can’t prevent it sounding attacking to his amum when it comes from me, when actually it would very much be a pro-him.

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      • Tiffany

        August 27, 2014 at 6:17 pm

        Cherry, that’s a good idea. I will have to include some of this in the journal I keep for her. I hope that in general, both my daughters grow up knowing that I support their choices and decisions (as long as they are healthy, of course, and not dangerous or illegal) and that once they are adults, they are free to live their lives as they so choose without constantly worrying about what I will think or feel. That, to me, is expecting a child to forever be in bondage to the parents. My parents are definitely that way with me. They expect me to live my life according to how they think I should, and make the choices they want me to make, from who I married to how I talk to my political beliefs to how I raise my children. And they definitely let me know when I’m not falling in line with how they pictured my life. I do not want to say that I know how it feels to be adopted, because of course I don’t and can’t. But I do know how it feels to have parents who still want to run your life as an adult and could earn a medal in guilt-tripping and passive-aggressiveness. I don’t want to continue that cycle.

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    • Robin

      August 31, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      ” But with adoption, there seems to be this ‘perpetual child’ issue where the parents remain forever an authority figure in their adult child’s life. I personally find it disturbing and weird.”

      The underlying issue is the defensiveness APs have about being considered the child’s REAL parents It’s an insecurity and a need to reaffirm their position. So while I don’t agree with it, I’m not really surprised. Bio-parents don’t need to constantly reaffirm to themselves that they are the child’s parents or constantly get reassurance from others that they are, in fact, the child’s parents. It’s a given.

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      • Cherry

        September 6, 2014 at 10:13 am

        ‘Bio-parents don’t need to constantly reaffirm to themselves that they are the child’s parents or constantly get reassurance from others that they are, in fact, the child’s parents. It’s a given.’

        Actually, this isn’t my experience. I was told while pregnant that I was just a vessel. Decades later on the Internet, I found out I was just an incubator. I have gritted my teeth to hold on to the truth, that I am my son’s mother. Only that explains our connection and our grief.

        ‘…she belongs to her REAL parents, the ones who raised her’.

        I found this comment from an AP chilling. The idea of one human belonging to another.

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  14. Beth

    August 29, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Have been driving too much and listening to the radio too much, heard this one over a dozen times. Can’t help but giggle, and think of how it often fits in with reunion and parents by adoption.
    Kids grow up, get over it!

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  15. Kristina

    January 27, 2015 at 9:25 am

    My male adopter was extremely threatened by any mention of my natural mother or reunion, to the point where he would smack me and scream ” stop talking about that WHORE!!” He even threatened to physically harm both of us should I search before his death. He believed that he had purchased me and part of what he paid for was to pretend I was his “real kid”. “Real kids” don’t have another family that they love and miss, they don’t search, and they look and act like you. I guess maybe they love you, too. I didn’t love my adopters, and I resent every day I was forced to spend with them. I am a person, not a product! (PS if you want to reply that you’re sorry I had a bad experience but not all adopters are like this, or that you can see how “bitter” I am, or that you will pray for me to “find peace” – save it!!!)

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    • TAO

      January 27, 2015 at 2:35 pm

      You have a good day now…

      Like

       
    • pammcrae

      January 27, 2015 at 5:24 pm

      You have every right to be angry. No adopted child ever asked to be adopted, and no adopted child should ever be expected or asked to completely reject her original family. I am both a mother of loss to adoption and an adoptive mother, and I know whereof I speak. I am angry too–at my family for not supporting me, at the doctor who pushed adoption, at the social worker who talked me into acting against my deepest instincts. I’m also angry at the international adoption industry that is more interested in “orphan theology” and making money than in what is best for children. There is a LOT of anger our here in adoptionland, and it’s time the world heard a bit of it. Speak your truth, and don’t apologize or be silenced.

      Like

       

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