Adoptees don’t all think or feel alike.

24 Nov

I finally signed up for instragram, still don’t understand why people like it or even know how to navigate through it. And no, don’t look for me there because I struggle just to keep current here, just so you know where this came from.

There’s a HAP (hopeful adoptive parent) on instagram who wrote a blog post on choosing to adopt, didn’t read it, just what was posted by their consultant below.

“This blog is chock full of insights on life, family, money, and how sometimes “plan b” was always meant to be.”

I thought it refreshing to see a HAP being honest because the majority of us are Plan B, C, D, E, and accepting that is part of life being adopted. It’s never been a big deal to me, made perfect sense that mom and dad would have tried to have biological children first.

But then, I’ve always seen the logical side versus the emotion laden side of life.

Another adoptee didn’t find it refreshing and left a comment to the consultant who posted it: “As an adult adoptee, I respectfully ask that you think about your language and the implications for adopted children. We are human lives, not backup plans. How do you think believing you are a plan B impacts an adoptee’s self concept? Please use NAAM as an opportunity to listen to adoptee voices.” ⠀

And that’s what I want to talk about.

Adoptees are going to have different views, different personalities, stories, beliefs, lived experiences, all of which are going to color how we see adoption, how we view our own adoption story. Listen to a variety of adoptees, hear their views, try to understand why they feel that way.

There is no guarantee that the child you adopt will have the same personality and adoption feelings of the adoptees you prefer to listen to because they align with yours. Read both the good and the hard adoptee stories, read the stories filled with anger, pain, deep grief, and those filled with lots of joy. Reading many different adoptee stories will serve you well, you’ll also learn that feelings change as we mature and have more lived experiences that add to shaping who we become.

And above all, know the seven core issues adoptees face. Creating a Family did a great show on The Seven Core Issues In Adoption and Foster Care. Take the time to listen and save the link for listening again.

One more recommendation: Listen to Courtney on Twitter: @WordyRamblings – she does amazing threads on adoption. Courtney recently did a bunch of polls for all sides in adoption for NAAM. Pretty sure she’ll be weaving adoption threads from the results, follow her, you won’t regret it.


Posted by on November 24, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

8 responses to “Adoptees don’t all think or feel alike.

  1. Lara/Trace

    November 24, 2020 at 8:15 pm

    I am very grateful for your voice. I will check out her twitter… xox

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      November 25, 2020 at 12:14 am

      You’ll appreciate Courtney, I wish I had her magic of words.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lara/Trace

        November 25, 2020 at 4:28 pm

        I do appreciate her and now follow her twitter. Thank you so much! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. beth62

    November 27, 2020 at 5:44 pm

    It’s not so hard to understand each other. I think sometimes we’re not ready, or don’t want to, or intend to. It can be so hard to accept certain facts or truths about much of it, or to look at it in different ways that can often be very disturbing. Like plan b, real mothers, or the many other things no one really wants to have to dive into. I feel like I’ve used the fog and the fog has used me. No cliff diving allowed in the fog! Same with finding peace with a thing, I’ve learned I usually like using peace better, and it’s use of me, too. Sometimes I needed the fog or something to keep walking, got things to do, places to be and considering plan b, or whatever, in my own situation can be a bit much to carry. Some days it can be as light as a feather and a joy to explore. Depends on the day, and the place.

    I still bump into a comment I keep in my head that I heard years ago on about apple trees being grafted. And how the tree is then known by the fruit it bears. The commenter compared it to adopting/ being adopted. I think I just flinched and hollered, OW! OW! OW! This comment did not bring the same peace to me as it did to the person who posted it! It was fairly horrifying to me, she didn’t really mean it that way. I’ve tried to consider if I would have hollered less if an adoptee had said it instead of an adopted mom. Not sure, but who it comes from can make a difference in the discussion of adoptee grafting, to me.

    I take care of many Apple trees, hundreds. When I work on them it all goes round and round in my head. I still holler when I cut and graft a new branch on the butchered and awaiting root stock. Root stock that I’ve also grown, intended to be only root one day. There’s a lot of cutting, picking and separating going on… I laugh at myself a little, after I cringe and holler. And I apologize out loud to each, and then claim to love em and care for em for as long as I can. Good grief, when I’m trimming branches I even tell them, no worries, just a hair cut, not an amputation to be Frankensteined, just a healthy helpful haircut. Later I give them a fertilizer spike like a lollipop. Crazy much? Yes I am 🙂

    I say their name when it’s time to pick the fruit beared. I may even give em a smile, good wish and a kiss before they go in the big box to find their fortunes. So, don’t forget to wash your apples.
    The name I speak, outloud, it’s not the same name of the roots it grew with. Took me a while to figure that out for some reason. Bugged me for a while, it just didn’t sound right compared to an adoptees grafting onto another’s roots. I and the fruit I’ve produced, all of us from seed, are legally known by the name of the roots we were grafted to.

    So I thought it wasn’t the cutting or grafting or growing or picking that bugged me, she was just somewhat wrong in her comparison 🙂 I don’t know why it took me so long to find the error in her belief. But I saw it as an error, and found it as a trigger, obviously. And it was in some ways, not so much an error either. That part was hard to see at first, depends on the direction of the view, and how you’re thinkin on it in the moment. I didn’t notice the truth in it, until I heard my first name used to describe my kids… Beth’s son, Beth’s grandson.
    So like everything else in this adoptee’s world, it has many truths, some opposing the others.

    I should probably explain more about tree grafting and why it’s done… Thanks to google, I’ll spare ya 🙂
    Basically, ya never really know what your gonna get from apple trees grown from seed. In my Johnny Appleseed orchard, they all naturally work great for making cider, as intended. 🙂
    I guess Apple orchards aren’t always as simple as we might think they are, either. I hear some don’t even like Apple pie or cider! That’s okay with me, even tho I’ll likely never understand it myself, and hopefully will never have to!

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      November 27, 2020 at 6:04 pm

      Wisdom from Beth, always welcome, always makes me think. Cheers

      Liked by 1 person

      • beth62

        November 28, 2020 at 2:14 pm

        Now that I’ve been comparison thinking in the 🍎orchard again. That thinking there can go in many… I imagine, every direction as well.
        If I were angry at adopted parents that day, continually cutting off every new sprout that is grown from the root stock, allowing only the adopted graft to grow and be fruitful, might be a little more satisfying, instead of cringe worthy.
        So I guess I’m just reporting the flip if anyone ever needs it. 🐻

        Liked by 1 person

  3. schneidermys

    December 11, 2020 at 12:48 pm

    It’s also hard for children of adoptees since they too feel unclear of their family history and if they have family out there that they may never know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 11, 2020 at 1:44 pm

      It is indeed very hard. Thankfully between getting states to change their laws, and to me, last resort of dna testing many can get answers. Welcome

      Liked by 1 person


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