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Regrets are prefectly normal

29 Jul

Just a quick note to Prospective Adoptive Parents, 

A mother who chose adoption is likely to regret in one or many points in her life, that she isn’t parenting her child, or that she was in a place where she felt adoption was her only choice, or any of the many reasons why she’d feel regret.

This should be common sense to everyone, apparently it’s not – so I’m pointing this out.

It’d also be pretty hypocritical to laud first mothers as loving their children enough to want better, and then, be upset that they regret having to choose adoption in the first place.

If you’d be upset, unless you are a despicable person, then her regrets wouldn’t be directed at you, they’d be her own regrets anyone would have.  If you wouldn’t be able to comprehend why, or accept that the mother of your child regrets that she isn’t parenting her child, then adoption is not for you.

FYI – I certainly hope my mother regretted not parenting me… 

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12 Comments

Posted by on July 29, 2018 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

12 responses to “Regrets are prefectly normal

  1. beth62

    July 30, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    “I certainly hope my mother regretted not parenting me…”
    I’d take that bet!
    It wouldn’t be normal, typical, if she didn’t regret it.

    I’d have a hard time believing any mother who said she didn’t regret not parenting, or knowing her child well.
    I’m sure, of course, there must be some, in some situation… I don’t know everybody.

    Actually saying “No Regrets” would lead me to question why it’s being said. It’s understandable if it’s used as a (exhausting and neverending) survival mantra. Or if it’s been taught and encouraged as a proper thing to say.
    I’d have to file anyone who actually believed it, in: Wishful Thinking 🐰🐤🎠👑

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    • TAO

      July 30, 2018 at 10:20 pm

      Me too – I can’t understand why it’s taken as an indictment against the adopting parents instead of what it is…

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  2. sheryl

    July 30, 2018 at 10:28 pm

    Yes, Regret. I know it all too well. It has been my constant companion for 28 years. Even though my son has been back in our family for 3 years now and is fully a part of us in every way, he is the only one of our four children not raised in our family. I didn’t know I should fight for him. For us. The shame of being pregnant out of wedlock was so deep. And the pressure to give a couple suffering from infertility was so strong. I let them overpower my natural, God-given instinct and desire to parent my own child. Shortly after meeting my son’s adoptive mother, she told me she had no regrets. I assume she meant not being able to have her own children. I never said anything. Now I wonder if she expected me to say the same….

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    • TAO

      July 31, 2018 at 3:24 am

      She probably did, glad you didn’t. Happy you have your family together again. So much loss everywhere you look…

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    • beth62

      July 31, 2018 at 8:14 pm

      Congrats on keeping your son close sherym,

      I guess I’d want to question any mother that said “no regrets” about raising or not raising kids. It sounds defensive to me and maybe a little dreamy.
      I could honestly say no regrets for raising my kids, and other’s kids. Especially now that they are all adults! 🙂 And it’s true. And it’s not true. There are many truths for me there, I have all kinds of regrets with all of that.
      How could I choose to make peace with all of those regrets without saying something like No Regrets? Sometimes life is more about rolling with what comes your way, regrets and all.

      I’m still studying on why an adopted mom would say no regrets, especially when talking to their child’s mother. Is it a way of saying, I’ve made peace with it, have you? Could it be wishful thinking and hoping they don’t have to feel the yuck that certainly comes along with the regretful mother?
      It might be leading a conversation to turn in their preferable direction, a control thing?
      It does seem odd to say. Unless it’s said after talking about some difficult parts of the journey, those pull yourself up and keep moving moments?
      I’d imagine, in the dreamy and wishful thinking perfect adoption, with proper and positive emotions – no one would have regrets? No matter how awful it was? 😉

      Is it about the child? Anxious about feelings the Adoptee could have if they know their mother had regrets? I know many have heard “you were wanted your parents situation wasn’t the best for you, they chose the best thing for you. I’ve seen many insist relinquishment and adoption is a choice all parents involved must make. As an adoptee, I was told that my mother loved me and wanted me, she chose what she believed was the best thing for me. Then learning she didn’t have a real choice, and has huge regrets for any choices that she did feel like she made regarding me… Yeah, I guess Adoption, and this Adopted family isn’t looking quite so cute now.

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      • beth62

        July 31, 2018 at 8:25 pm

        oops *sheryl 🙂

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      • sheryl

        August 1, 2018 at 2:53 am

        I sometimes wonder why she said that. But it really doesn’t matter. I will always regret letting my first born go. I had no idea what letting him go would cost me. And I never made a “loving adoption plan” or “choose a better life for my baby”. I was told to go into hiding and no one would ever have to know. Except now they do. I loved and wanted my baby. I let him go because it was my punishment for getting pregnant out of wedlock. I was perfectly capable of parenting him. Except I wasn’t married. According to my parents that meant I wasn’t capable. I have gut wrenching regret. Literally. When I came out of the fog a couple of years ago after finding this community and reading the stories, and realizing my son’s adoration wasn’t necessary and should not have happened, I was actually vomiting. The room began to spin and I began throwing up. I was so angry at what I let happen to my son. The regret will never go away. But it doesn’t consume me now. My family has been restored and made whole. We are together often. That is a huge answer to prayer for which I am so grateful! My heart aches for those who long for this and don’t have it.

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  3. sheryl

    August 1, 2018 at 11:04 am

    Sometimes I wonder what she meant, but it really doesn’t matter. I will always regret letting my son go. I didn’t choose adoption because I wanted a better life for him, and I certainly didn’t lovingly make an adoption plan. I did it because it was my punishment for getting pregnant out of wedlock and no one could find out. My mother said to move away and hide, no one will ever have to know. Except now everyone knows. And I am so thankful! I have shouted it from the rooftops – I have my son back!
    When I came out of the fog after finding this online community a couple of years ago, and reading the stories of others, I was struck with gut wrenching regret. Literally. The room began to spin around me and I actually began vomiting when I came to the full realization that my son’s adoption wasn’t necessary and should not have happened.
    I was perfectly capable of mothering my own child. I loved him dearly and really wanted to be a mom. His father and I had 3 more children together and are still happily married. Thankfully, our family is whole and complete now, and we are able to spend a lot of time together. My heart aches for those whose stories are not so.

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    • TAO

      August 1, 2018 at 1:19 pm

      No idea why your two comments went to spam…

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      • sheryl

        August 1, 2018 at 5:16 pm

        That’s weird. I wondered why the first comment didn’t post, so I typed a second one. Oops 🙂

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        • TAO

          August 1, 2018 at 5:22 pm

          Let me know if you want me to delete them and which one(s). Once in a while the spam filter looses it’s tiny mind ???

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          • sheryl

            August 1, 2018 at 6:07 pm

            You could delete the first one. It may have been a bit of a rant 🙂
            Thank you!

            Like

             

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