My child’s story is different…

25 Jul

Yes, every adoptee’s story is unique. There are also similarities found in all adoption stories for the one adopted, and if you can’t see that, then I don’t know what to tell you on how to get there, but I do know you need to get there.

Backing up a bit and using my own words to explain what happens far to often when an adoptee speaks…

An adoptee can tell by a conversation that the adoptive parent she’s talking to has challenges with her child having other parents. So she shares about an adoptee being able to figure out how her parents feel about her other set of parents, how they hope the adoptee will feel about her other set of parents, and sometimes that creates a situation where the adoptee only says what the parents want and desperately need to hear, and stuffs any contrary feelings down deep inside where they sit, until the day they don’t.

That loyalty effect can be hard on the one adopted, it leaves no room for processing all their story, being able to talk about all their feelings if they need to.

The adoptive parent she’s speaking to responds with her child’s story, in jarring detail, and says how her child feels about their birth parent(s).  In doing that, they totally miss the wisdom being offered for if the day ever comes when that parent recognises that their child can love all their parents, flaws and all, and that it takes nothing away from their relationships.  Wisdom if that day ever comes and they see their child is struggling with being adopted, struggling with feelings that they need to pick one set of parents instead of just loving all, they need to try to fix the damage their lack of awareness caused and let them know their feelings are valid and it’s natural to love both families and you are there now. 

The adoptee is offering that wisdom for when that parent realizes that it’s not a competition and we (her child included) can love all our families

And honestly, it’s up to how the adoptee feels about it, not what you want, hope, need them to feel. You’re the parent, not the child 

The child needs the parent to get there so both your words and body language tells them you get it. That it’s not either/or and that what the one adopted feels is an ongoing-process with many curves and bumps ahead, but that you’ll be there to walk along side and you don’t need your child to protect you, that it’s your job to protect them.

For the one adopted who grows up knowing without words spoken that it’s not okay to show even interest in their story, let alone the people in it, it can take years before they feel empowered enough to explore all their feelings about being adopted without feeling guilt. And that’s not fair.

And sometimes an adoptee may never go there…just like those who don’t search, despite wanting to desperately, but chose to wait until their parents pass, often when it’s too late. That’s not fair either.

If you aren’t there yet, get there, if it takes counselling, do that.


Posted by on July 25, 2018 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , ,

9 responses to “My child’s story is different…

  1. cb

    July 25, 2018 at 11:39 pm

    Well said.


  2. Dannie

    July 25, 2018 at 11:44 pm


  3. Heather

    July 26, 2018 at 5:23 am

    Well said. We tried counselling years ago in an attempt to “get there” but his AM was too threatened by the idea that he could love anyone other than her. I doubt that she has improved as time goes on. It’s always all about her, no one else matters.


    • TAO

      July 26, 2018 at 1:20 pm

      I’m sorry your son had to grow up with that – so unfair.


  4. Sally Bacchetta

    July 26, 2018 at 3:58 pm

    I’ve never understood APs who love all their children but can’t understand how their children can love all their parents.


    • TAO

      July 26, 2018 at 8:40 pm

      Oh know what you mean – why so much gets my goat because it sure seems like they treat us as some sort of alien incapable of what all are capable of without any hint of doubt.


    • Heather

      July 27, 2018 at 6:04 am


      The same children who grow up with two, three (and sometimes four) sets of grandparents somehow can’t understand the concept of having two mothers. *eyeroll*

      Liked by 1 person

  5. beth62

    July 27, 2018 at 2:52 pm

    It takes much effort to pretend a child’s original parents/family are not real parents to the child.
    Effort driven by far more than fear. It takes even more effort to convince the child. Even more as the years pass.

    It must be exhausting. Why not choose the easy way? All parents can be brave, it’s a choice. It only takes bravery once or twice to walk across that bridge, each trip becomes easier. Eventually you won’t even notice the bridge. Unless the bridge needs upgrading to make crossing even more safe and easy. Might need painting or maybe some lovely flower boxes on the rails, or landscaping at the ends, stone work… A covered bridge is always nice… I’ve seen some spectacular bridges in my time.

    The effort it takes to tear down that bridge is great, especially when you may notice that the world around you rebuilds it constantly. I have to ask. Is all that destruction really worth the effort? And if so, to who?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather

      July 27, 2018 at 7:33 pm

      Beautifully put



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