Yes, every adoptee’s story is unique. There are also similarities found in all adoption stories for the one adopted, and if you can’t see that, then I don’t know what to tell you on how to get there, but I do know you need to get there.
Backing up a bit and using my own words to explain what happens far to often when an adoptee speaks…
An adoptee can tell by a conversation that the adoptive parent she’s talking to has challenges with her child having other parents. So she shares about an adoptee being able to figure out how her parents feel about her other set of parents, how they hope the adoptee will feel about her other set of parents, and sometimes that creates a situation where the adoptee only says what the parents want and desperately need to hear, and stuffs any contrary feelings down deep inside where they sit, until the day they don’t.
That loyalty effect can be hard on the one adopted, it leaves no room for processing all their story, being able to talk about all their feelings if they need to.
The adoptive parent she’s speaking to responds with her child’s story, in jarring detail, and says how her child feels about their birth parent(s). In doing that, they totally miss the wisdom being offered for if the day ever comes when that parent recognises that their child can love all their parents, flaws and all, and that it takes nothing away from their relationships. Wisdom if that day ever comes and they see their child is struggling with being adopted, struggling with feelings that they need to pick one set of parents instead of just loving all, they need to try to fix the damage their lack of awareness caused and let them know their feelings are valid and it’s natural to love both families and you are there now.
The adoptee is offering that wisdom for when that parent realizes that it’s not a competition and we (her child included) can love all our families
And honestly, it’s up to how the adoptee feels about it, not what you want, hope, need them to feel. You’re the parent, not the child
The child needs the parent to get there so both your words and body language tells them you get it. That it’s not either/or and that what the one adopted feels is an ongoing-process with many curves and bumps ahead, but that you’ll be there to walk along side and you don’t need your child to protect you, that it’s your job to protect them.
For the one adopted who grows up knowing without words spoken that it’s not okay to show even interest in their story, let alone the people in it, it can take years before they feel empowered enough to explore all their feelings about being adopted without feeling guilt. And that’s not fair.
And sometimes an adoptee may never go there…just like those who don’t search, despite wanting to desperately, but chose to wait until their parents pass, often when it’s too late. That’s not fair either.
If you aren’t there yet, get there, if it takes counselling, do that.