This year is taking a toll on my carefully controlled emotions. I’ve never been one that shared with family more than surface level emotions about anything that’s taken place in my life, if I even shared that something happened. Up to now, showing the depth of my feelings would have been risky, made me vulnerable, and when I feel vulnerable, I leave, first. It’s always been safer not to share, and just be the one who makes sure everyone else is comfortable and happy.
The risk of being more authentic about all my feelings comes down to what if it makes them leave. Everything is always tied to those fears of abandonment or being rejected, it kept me silent, compliant.
But it seems the dam is cracking…despite the wondering (and fear) if I’ll still be a family member in the family I’ve lived my entire life with – now that mom’s gone. Will her passing mark the end of being a part of the family I wasn’t born into?
Will they just slowly drift away?
Is the dam cracking because I’m testing them – too?
Or is it because without mom here, and respecting her desire to let bygones be bygones, and always look forward, I can be more authentic because I don’t have to worry about making her feel bad?
I guess I’ll find out what happens now that the final link is severed…