Things in my life are still overwhelming and I’m having a hard time getting things done while not over-doing it physically. I know that exhaustion makes it hard for me to put words together, but I’ve been very careful trying to not over-extend myself. I’m still having trouble talking despite doing my best not to get over-tired, and I think it is not practicing talking (writing) posts regularly, using my brain to form a post that makes sense, and I never want to lose my voice again. So, I thought I talk about what’s happening in my personal life a bit deeper than my normal.
I have a sibling who has mental health challenges and has always been challenging. According to mom, my personality changed when my sibling started having mental health challenges. I think she was right, and that I am the way I am now, in part due to that, some of my natural tendencies are stronger, and other’s less prominent, specifically, seldom (if ever) showing deep emotions publicly.
We all are who we are because of our genes, our lived experiences, and the lessons learned – both the good and bad.
I don’t often show emotions because it makes me feel vulnerable, and that I’m not in control. Plus, I know I’m strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way on my own, and if I did need more support, I’d turn to those closest to me, although I’ll admit that even asking is hard sometimes.
I don’t like feeling vulnerable and I don’t think I should have to physically prove to others how I’m feeling emotionally.
But, lately, I’ve found the secondary cost of not being publicly emotional is how people outside your inner circle view you; some will see you as unfeeling, or just the one who takes care of everything and everyone, or not seen at all except to be told what other people need you to do for them – because they are hurting.
So, the other day, I talked with a friend about how frustrating it all was, and how it seems people view the person based solely on the emotions they show, regardless if they are honest, if it’s part of their game, or because society expects it. I don’t understand how people just can’t assume everyone feels bad/sad about something that just happened. Why must a person physically show their emotions to others to prove how they feel? Where is the benefit of doubt? My friend’s response was that just because I don’t show my emotions, doesn’t mean I don’t have them, I’ve never shown them and people who know me, should know that. Then she added a WTH, and who do they think they are, stand up and don’t take it, if it happens again. Sounds like a plan, just don’t know if I have it in me to do that – because I want everyone else to be happy.
The take-away: Give others the benefit of doubt…don’t make them show you how they feel, just believe they are hurting if you are, we all have reasons for how we react, or don’t react.