Didn’t know him

22 Nov

Yesterday, I googled the name of my father by birth to see if he was still alive. He isn’t, he passed not very long ago, his obit held information that helped me in his family tree which is most welcome, other than that, nothing has changed with his death, I didn’t know him, his choice from the start to the end.

I don’t feel anything at all about his passing other than a sense of sadness at what could have been, but wasn’t, in reality, it’s just another milestone in this journey of life being adopted. I did find pictures of my paternal aunts. And I did what I do with every picture of a family member I receive, I find myself scanning their features to see if I can see myself reflected back, to see what I’ll look like if I reach their age. Searching for proof that I belong in that genetic clan, to him, to my ancestors.

Being adopted means you often find yourself sitting on the outside looking in, sometimes never fully part of either.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends, may you find joy, laughter, even welcome tears from stories told today, stay safe wherever you are.


PS. If you comment, I’m looking for comments on how you are, how your Thanksgiving is/was, not about me, I’m good. 🙂


Posted by on November 22, 2018 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

8 responses to “Didn’t know him

  1. K.

    November 22, 2018 at 4:45 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss, over a lifetime. ❤ I hope you have a peaceful day.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. BOOKS

    November 22, 2018 at 8:04 pm

    It happens too often that an adoptee searches but the father or mother has died. Talk about a dead end. Do you know the reason your father failed to meet you? Probably not. It is his loss, his missed opportunity to make you feel more whole. An obituary can give a wealth of information, so at least you have that. Did he want your existence to be a secret? Did he misperceive your motivations. I wonder if he knew about your writing. (I wonder if someone in his family — perhaps a wife — influenced his decision to not include you in their lives.)


  3. Lara/Trace

    November 22, 2018 at 10:12 pm

    Quiet here, just my husband and me and for that I am grateful. I never met my mother, her choice, so I do know how you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heather

    November 23, 2018 at 2:13 am

    Happy Thanksgiving from Canada. Please know that I always look forward to reading your posts. They make me feel less alone and that there are others out there that “get me” and think and feel like I do.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Pj

    November 23, 2018 at 2:31 am

    Hey, Tao ! Had a really nice Thanksgiving.Thank goodness hubby is a wonderful cook:)
    My birth parents were deceased by the time I “ found”them. Your post made me want to ,yet again, look at their pics “ scanning for features”.Maybe someday, if I look hard enough, I will see them…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. beth62

    November 24, 2018 at 7:15 am

    Okay 🙂 but that sure sounds like a lot to think on, emotional or not.
    I’m good 👍
    All of the old cooks were asked to take a seat for this one. And did so with no complaints, zero.
    My daughter is a chef, three of my sons are chefs, two of my many new daughter in-laws are chefs.
    A bunch of us are farmers of one sort or another. All of the food was self produced, 100% even the chocolate, coffee and baking powder. I can’t believe it came true 100%.
    That was one fancy dinner to have come from the dirt.
    We found out we donated over a half million servings of food to the Food Banks this year. How they actually count that is beyond me. It didn’t seem like that much, but my back said it felt more like a billion. Probably took even more to the local churches and neighbors. Sold more than ever, ever.
    There’s a state tax credit on the donations to help ease some of the real pain now, a little, kinda, maybe, but not really. Jerks. At least It carries over until the next year.
    It just keeps getting better.
    Heard two of our sons deliver baby-to-be announcements at dinner.
    Watched another son propose, to a professional musician. My musician husband is giddy.
    I got to sit at the kiddy table for a while, til my giant buddy stole my spot.
    It was such a site, I let him have it. He makes a regular sized chair look like a kiddy chair.
    My oldest buddy hung out with my daughter for a few minutes, even talked to each other, before he noticed it wasn’t me.
    My only blood grandchild is asleep on me, and if any one tries to take him to bed they are liable to loose an arm. We’re good. I sleep in this chair all the time.
    All of our kids came home. All are far better than alright. The many brothers are still very close, that’s a huge one to me, glad I pushed that as hard as anything else.
    I couldn’t be more proud, and happy for them. I never could have imagined what today would be like for them, for me either. Very Thankful for that. It’s far better than anything I ever dreamed of.
    Yep, I’m good (((my friend)))👍 And my feet don’t hurt a bit this Thanksgiving!


    • TAO

      November 24, 2018 at 4:12 pm

      Beth – bravo and thank you so much for the TG Tale – hopefully you copy this comment somewhere for posterity. Thank you my friend and thanks to your wonderful family.



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