Scattered thoughts today wondering why I react the way I do.
When something serious relates to me, I’m all business, I ask specific questions without any thread of emotion in my voice, or held within my body. I listen. I ask follow-up questions. I don’t cry, I don’t even feel emotional, nor scared, I just am.
Almost like I’m outside looking in on something happening to someone else…
Yet, at the same time, the mere thought of giving up control, putting my well-being in someone else’s hands overwhelms my senses and makes me spiral into panic mode and I can feel the rising tide of cortisol flooding my body. Even when I know nothing bad will happen, giving up control is impossible without someone being there talking to me the whole time, doesn’t have to be a loved one, a friend, just a voice telling me I’m not alone.
Why the opposite reactions?
Is it just how I’m naturally wired, is it normal, common? Or does the body really keep score and the panic that rises comes from a time I have no memories of? Or is it a cumulative scorecard of all I’ve lived through, remembered or not?
Deep thoughts today from me, tell me your good, your hard, your beautiful.