Deep thoughts…

28 Nov

Scattered thoughts today wondering why I react the way I do.

When something serious relates to me, I’m all business, I ask specific questions without any thread of emotion in my voice, or held within my body. I listen. I ask follow-up questions. I don’t cry, I don’t even feel emotional, nor scared, I just am.

Almost like I’m outside looking in on something happening to someone else…

Yet, at the same time, the mere thought of giving up control, putting my well-being in someone else’s hands overwhelms my senses and makes me spiral into panic mode and I can feel the rising tide of cortisol flooding my body. Even when I know nothing bad will happen, giving up control is impossible without someone being there talking to me the whole time, doesn’t have to be a loved one, a friend, just a voice telling me I’m not alone.

Why the opposite reactions?

Is it just how I’m naturally wired, is it normal, common? Or does the body really keep score and the panic that rises comes from a time I have no memories of? Or is it a cumulative scorecard of all I’ve lived through, remembered or not?

Deep thoughts today from me, tell me your good, your hard, your beautiful.


Posted by on November 28, 2018 in Adoption


Tags: , ,

12 responses to “Deep thoughts…

  1. Dannie

    November 28, 2018 at 5:03 pm

    E is in full pre adolescent hormonal mood swings. Sweet and wonderful one minute and angst ridden the next. I’m feeling whiplash from it lol.
    S turned 5 on the Friday after thanksgiving and literally will not give up his crown his preK teach had him wear Monday. He even wore it to bed the last two nights
    Weekend retreat with the kids club adventurers in the Mountains and I’m hoping it doesn’t snow because I’m a wuss in the cold
    I’m tired. I want to stay home for a season because kids schooling and work tire me out but I do enjoy my work too. I don’t want the Christmas season to fly by so trying to enjoy each day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      November 28, 2018 at 5:22 pm

      Thank you Dannie – just what I needed. I feel sorry for what you’re in for with E – just know you can always safely vent to me privately. Don’t remember if I ever told you about the Aussie I worked with who put on cap, scarf and gloves to run to the store in the middle of July with temps in the 70’s…think of her, she returned to Oz because she just couldn’t live without the warmth. Cheers

      Liked by 1 person

      • cb

        November 29, 2018 at 11:57 pm

        Your friend must have been a Queenslander, we aren’t all that wimpy when it comes to cooler weather lol. Doing the conversion, I can see that 70 degrees F is 21 degrees celsius – nice walking weather, not too cool but pleasant to walk in without getting overheated. Now if the temperature had been in the teens, then fair enough, the jumper would definitely come out.


        • TAO

          November 29, 2018 at 11:59 pm

          She was from QLD – too funny.


  2. Laksh

    November 29, 2018 at 1:19 am

    I am like that. Especially when loved ones are in the hospital. It is like all emotions leave and only a clinical me remains. I feel all of it when its all over, either death or discharge from the hospital. Also, I stress eat.


    • TAO

      November 29, 2018 at 4:12 am

      Clinical is the perfect description of it – thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Stephanie (Tia)

      November 29, 2018 at 5:08 am

      This is exactly how I was when my dad had a stroke and died a week later. I was a rock. The first song I heard right after he died was silent night. Now, 19 years later Silent Night can bring me to my knees for 20 minutes so I can’t listen to Christmas music at work.


      • TAO

        November 29, 2018 at 1:56 pm

        Thank you Stephanie.


  3. beth62

    November 29, 2018 at 4:13 pm

    Clinical. So much in life has felt clinical to me. I still struggle with “mother” and clinical in every mother way, even grandmother feels clinical somehow, sometimes. When I heard emergency C section for my daughter, omg, I don’t think I took in a breath until I met that baby and all was well with both. When I was out of their sight, I lost it. I’m still trying to breathe right again, months later.

    After we finally got another young mother to the hospital, after giving birth, they had to admit me too. I passed out cold right after they wheeled them through the door, got stitches in my head.
    We had to make some serious decisions, in survival clinical mode, quickly. It was terrifying, It could have gone all wrong. Thankfully enough of us managed to do emotionless clinical well that day.

    It usually hits me after the calm clinical moment is done, too. Especially in traumatic emergencies. I’m all boss and business until it’s out of my hands, then I instantly crash. Even if the emergency is avoided, I crash. I crash after the funeral, after the ride home from the hospital, always after. It worries me that it’s after. It worries me one day it will be during, that I’ll be of no help, helpless, frozen. I panic thinking of that. I crash hard sometimes, I’m still crashed from some of them.

    When I add clinical, doctor and general anesthesia together, I get total and complete freak out. Clinical and out of control. Oh no, no no, no thank you. No just no. If it wasn’t for Xanax…
    I crash after all that too, wondering/worrying what happened while I was under. What they did to me, what I did or said. I don’t trust any of it, especially the clinical humans involved.

    Clinical can become… hard to find words for it.
    ? emotionless decisions can be logically made in the clinical zone :/
    I guess it’s all good when the decisions are good ones.


  4. beth62

    December 5, 2018 at 2:38 pm

    Thinkin of you. Hope you got the controllable under control today.


    • TAO

      December 5, 2018 at 5:43 pm

      Did that yesterday…you are magic, all knowing and amazing…hugs


  5. beth62

    December 6, 2018 at 4:10 pm

    Had a feeling 🙂 Good job, glad to hear it!

    Liked by 1 person


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