Outside looking in and inside looking out on grief…

Why is it such a shock that a mother (and father) who chose adoption would grieve for what they lost?  I see posts about the birthmother is grieving, and the one I just read – not grieving appropriately, as if, for your comfort, she needs to grieve in a defined way, in a defined linear line, oh, and it can’t make you uncomfortable.

Also, that she has regrets. She gave you her baby to parent, raise.  It shouldn’t come as a surprise she has regrets, even though, it seems taboo for a mother to admit she has regrets, almost an indictment against adoption, you personally.  Regrets are a perfectly normal reaction to a loss the magnitude of which is not quantifiable.  Allowing space for mothers (and fathers) to have regrets over choosing adoption for their child is something the adoption community fails to do.  And, they retort with the standard #notall statements that their birthparents don’t have any regrets.  Regret is normal, healthy, and is part of everyone’s life.  It’s time for that reality for parents by birth to be recognised, accepted, honored.

I’d worry over a mother not having regrets about having to choose adoption for her child.

And you know why I’d worry about no regrets?  You adopted her child, genetics and all, and if she chose adoption, perhaps grieved for a bit until her hormones settled (or not), then quickly moved on, never had a moment’s pause, let alone regret, that isn’t typical behavior as we know it for a human being.

You adopted her child, her flesh and blood, her child who was part of her for nine months.  She’s not going to grieve according to what you believe is appropriate grieving – whatever that is.  Grief doesn’t work that way, it overwhelms you, it takes you to your knees, it cycles, it comes out of nowhere.  Mothers (and fathers) who have chosen adoption grieve just as hard as you do, regardless if they regret what was happening in their life, regret choosing adoption, regret whatever, in reality they are just like everyone else, sometimes life sucks really bad.

Don’t adopt an infant in an open adoption if you aren’t up for a whole lot of messy, pain-filled, uncomfortable messy.  A whole lot of grief permeating her life, a whole lot of you feeling guilty, just a whole lot of messy.  To me, if you aren’t up for it, you’ll be more likely to go back on your promises to the child’s parents by birth, and blame it on them at the same time. Don’t do that.

 

Readers – if you comment, don’t do ugly please, comment for understanding by others in a way that can be heard, taken to heart for those in the future.