Last night while flipping channels during a commercial my husband stopped on 20/20. The episode was B.arbara Walters interviewing E.lton John and his partner discussing all about their new son via a surrogate and “donated” egg and the birth certificate that lists both of them as parents. I managed to grimly hold my tongue between my gritted teeth for about 3-5 minutes and finally hubby glanced over, and quickly turned the channel recognising he was likely to hear one of my long-winded rants on “how can they even think anonymous “donation” is right?”.
I have to admit I did an excellent job of containing myself by only commenting on “how wrong it was that they would have a “lifelong” relationship with the surrogate who is no more than a baby sitter for the fetus when it comes to biological history, but the child will never know who their mother is because of the anonymous “donation” and apparently none of them had considered the feelings of the one created“. I did not talk about birth certificates needing to be truthful instead of legal fiction or any of the other major issues I have with this unregulated industry and the impact those created will face. I also need to add here that I was not surprised that during the brief time I watched, that B.arbara Walters had no pro’s, con’s, or ethical questions to pose that a journalist might be wanting to address (she may well have if I had watched the entire show, but it is doubtful). I was just amazingly grateful that hubby wisely turned the channel even if it was just in his own self-preservation.
But here I am today still massively triggered by this.
How can people purposely create a human being and choose to wipe away 50 or 100% of that human beings history?
Who gives them the right to do this to another individual – simply to fulfill their own needs without any deep thought and research on how the individual will feel?
Anonymous “donation” is wrong…so very wrong…it should be illegal. Other more enlightened countries have deemed it to be wrong through careful research.
And we have adults who were created in this manner telling the world it is wrong. That they have the very same problems with their lack of history as adoptees have with theirs. No more proof is needed – but yet it is still happening over and over again. When will people listed to those who actually live it?
Toronto journalist Olivia Pratten is awaiting a landmark decision from a Canadian court on the disclosure of sperm donors’ records.
When she was younger, Alana S. used to experiment and tell people her dad died when she was a baby and that she didn’t really ever get to know him. She would get a sincere hug and a heartfelt, “I’m so sorry.” But when she told people the truth of her father’s whereabouts, she got a response mostly filled with confusion.
“When I tell people I’m donor conceived, God, the blank expression on their face,” Alana said. “They’re shocked, they’re paralyzed.”
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Another complicating factor toward bringing the voices of the donor conceived to the fore is the perception that those who want to know their original heritage are ungrateful for the families they already have. Many people even believe that it’s a nonissue: “love is enough”—but won’t address the hypocrisy inherent in an infertile couple’s desire to have a biological child and yet deny that child’s desire to know his or her biological roots. The mainstream media is interested only in portraying Oprah-like happy “reunions” (not years of fruitless, painful searching) but refuses to address the emotions behind why those meetings are so affecting. Activists want to make clear their intention is not to hurt their families; they simply want to put an end to the frustration. Says Pratten, “I am happy. I am loved. My dad is my dad. My parents support my case. They were in court with me every day. I still want to know.”
The short article linked above is well worth the time to read and think about the implications.
It breaks my heart that donor conceived individuals are subjected to the same stereotypical comments adoptees have had to deal with for years – comments like the “you should be grateful” argument that holds no water because it has nothing to do with the desire to know where you came from.
All the same old rhetoric that finally the adoption side is diminishing and being talked about, but yet no one has said, if it doesn’t work for adoption, why would you assume it would work for donor conceived individuals and families?
Tags: Donor conceived, Ethics and morals, loss, truth
The adopted ones blog 