Just A Product

16 Mar

I’m in a fairly angry phase right now about where adoption seems to be headed, and to me, it certainly isn’t headed in the direction to make things right or better for adoptees. I never thought I’d see the day where I seriously called myself a Product, but sadly, that day has come.

How did we get here? Over time, legislation sealed the records of our birth from us in all but 2 states.

Domestic adoptees and allies have worked together to change the archaic laws that most states put in place decades ago to hide from us where we came from, who we came from, the names of those who created us, who our ancestors were, are, or even what our nationalities are. The goal of the adoption folk back then seemed to be to make us all Blank Slates for the people who wanted to adopt babies and/or children.

International Adoption brought adoptees brought to the USA but some of them, their adoptive parents didn’t complete the citizenship process to make them US Citizens.

International Adoptees who face even more hurdles than domestic adoptees to know where they came from, including the thousands of International Adoptees that still live without citizenship because their new adoptive parents didn’t do whatever was needed to make them US citizens, and yes, some adoptees have already been deported to their home countries. I can’t imagine what they go through being deported to their home country, likely not knowing the language, or knowing another soul in their country of birth. It horrifies me that 20ish years later and their lack of US citizenship has still not been fixed, not for lack of trying by adoptees and allies, either.

To me, it’s damning how little people who proudly profess they “love adoption” and state “how much beauty there is in adoption”, also don’t seem to know (or or maybe they don’t care about) the irregularities that can happen in domestic adoption, foster care, or international adoption.

Nor the inescapable ongoing loss to the mothers and their families that lost one of their own to adoption, whatever the reason.

You know me well enough by now that you know I’m not saying adoption is all bad; or there isn’t a need for some children to be cared for. Nor that all adoptive parents are bad, there have always been some adoptive parents who stood up when something didn’t seem right in the adoption, good folks that wouldn’t be part of anything that didn’t smell right, that type of adoptive parent will always exist, they’ll do it the right way, or they’ll walk away. To me, the problem is it’s highly doubtful that all hopeful adoptive parents would stand up and say no if they thought something wasn’t right and walk away in the same situation.

Ask yourself if you would walk away if you thought an expectant mother really wanted to at least try parenting instead of signing away her parental rights at the hospital post birth.

Would you? Could you? Have you?

Do you even know if the mother was offered help to sign up for any of the services the government or charities may have that would be enough to allow the mother and child to stay together? Does any adoption agency you know of first work to find the expectant mother the resources to parent before suggesting looking at whether adoption was something to consider?

And if you say yes? How do you know? Because the ASP told you they did?

Adoption has gone through many phases since the mid to late 1800’s when the first adoptions happened in the USA, the BSE, the slow transition to openness in adoption, and yet, I truly thought most had changed. I was wrong, I’d lulled myself by listening to the more enlightened, I stayed away from the over the top voices, because, quite frankly, I can’t deal with the saccharine sweet words used to describe “birthmothers” that some adoptive parents use, at least until after the adoption is final that is, and yet, over time for some adoptive parents, it becomes inconvenient to have another mother in the picture, maybe not visible, but yet, somehow always there…

And now with so many states gearing up to create or have created as many Safe Haven Baby Boxes as possible – my heart just breaks.

My anger to Safe Haven Baby Boxes is palpable and constant, products we are, not human beings or this wouldn’t be acceptable to anyone. And yet, I haven’t heard a single peep from any Adoption Agencies about how hard it can be on the one left in the baby box with no knowledge, no story, no birth mother, no birth father, no family members, familial history, nothing except you were left in a box and your mother walked away. All of this is this because Safe Haven Baby Boxes wave a magic wand that do away with those birth parents, the child’s ancestry, their story, and my understanding is that in at at least one state, it isn’t even required to notify the state that the baby exists and is documented to ensure they have an original birth certificate, let alone that there will be no non-id, nor even a hint of any family health history, but I’m guessing some of the adoptive parents won’t mind having a blank slate babies with no ties, at all; one day they may care, but it will be to late then to say they wished they’d known better, been more vocal because it’s really hard to grow up with no knowledge of the why you weren’t kept.

If you know an adoption agency who has spoken out about baby boxes on behalf of adoptees – please, do let me know.

There are also some adoptive parents that want that fairytale story that the adopted child was meant to be their child, not the child of their mother and father by birth, and believe if they raise them right, they’d never want to know the family by birth. And yes, they really do exist, what percent want that – no one knows because stats aren’t collected or kept it seems, but I’d guess they’d think a Safe Haven baby might just be the ticket, rather than something to mourn for the child you are raising.

So, the above is a large part of the anger I’ve been feeling, but the other part is that it was my mother’s birthday the other day, a mother I never met, never got to know, hear her voice, spend time with, or physically see myself reflected back in her in any way. And just like the day my son passed away, every year something in my soul brings that reminder into my consciousness long before I’m aware her birthday is coming up, I don’t need a calendar, it is just there rising to the surface to remind me of what we both lost.

This year was worse because I also turned the same age my mother was when she passed away.

So much loss that it becomes hard to contain, it’s hard to be my normal me; working in the yard helps, seeing the birds and squirrels helps, my cats, having a good other half helps as well. Yet none can solve those feelings deep inside of me, it just takes time for those feelings to slowly ebb away until next year comes around and the cycle begins again.


I’m leaving a link below to an article you need to read, absorb, talk about. It’s written by Malinda L. Seymour who literally made life bearable for so many adoptees struggling with big feelings and letting us vent to her on her blog posts – she’s also an AP.

Seymore, Malinda L., Social Costs of Dobbs’ Pro-Adoption Agenda (March 6, 2023). 57 U.C. Davis Law Review ___ (forthcoming 2023), Available at SSRN:


Posted by on March 16, 2023 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child


Tags: , , ,

11 responses to “Just A Product

  1. Lara/Trace

    March 21, 2023 at 2:53 pm

    Our fairytale is actually a nightmare and you are right to be angry. Think of this: The Romans would and did leave a baby on a trash-heap to die. It really happened. We are products for thousands of years.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Heather

    March 24, 2023 at 10:06 am

    Tao, my heart aches for you.
    Sending love and compassion your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      March 25, 2023 at 5:08 pm

      Thank you Heather.


  3. beth62

    April 10, 2023 at 1:40 pm

    The property thing I’ve felt and smelled all around me for my entire time on earth, looks like it’s about to come to a head and show itself.
    When I saw where they are trying to create property laws for frozen embryo ownership, by using old chattel laws…
    Yeah, how low can we go

    Liked by 1 person

  4. beth62

    April 10, 2023 at 3:07 pm

    backspace, backspace, backspace…I’m not going to type much about what I think about the property thing. Just imagine every ugly thing that could be said about it, plus some, and that’s what I’d type.
    I’m already wearing full armor, and have every weapon at full ready. But the thought of it does give me a deep searing heat in my core, which I can immediately make use of, meanwhile. I’ve been battling global industrialists in a major war, consisting of several battles so far over the past few months. We’ve won every battle. They love their data center complexes, and they absolutley despise rural america, it’s natural beauty and wildlife, it’s people. The biggest liars I have ever met. I’m happy to learn my community of assumed “illiterate ignorant generationally mixed hicks and hillbillies looking for handouts” is chocked full of doctors and engineers of every variety, financial genuises, CCIM’s, Land use Lawyers, NASA scientists, computer scientists, ag and environmental scientists, and a large percentage work in every department for the federal govt in DC. The most intersting part I found, them patriot boys on the other side of the river, who’s ancestors died on the land and the history preserved of the different wars on the land by the national park service, well, they still have cannons. And have no qualms in using them! They are all excited, and have been practicing daily since and creating new satellite batallions surrounding the 900 acres the greedy global industrialists are trying to steal and destroy.

    That precious icloud is too loud. It’s community and environmentally destroying.
    Most people don’t know where the cloud is or how it works. I had no idea what a “Data Center Park” really was, (sounded kinda nice until I read the slippery slimy zoning proposal) until we were assaulted by one trying to move in and take over with their big google, amazon, apple money. They paint it up well, all very positive. And of course if you search for information on wth is a data center – it’s all so wonderful and needed, so very beneficial to all and all the little ducks and bunnies swim and hop around in peace, security, love and lots and lots of money.

    Next time you add to the cloud, or buy into the cloud as a business because it’s cheaper and an easy sell, if you do some real research on data center parks/alleys and how they harm everything, including the health of people, noise, light and water pollution, use massive amounts of energy and water, waste water, 100x more than exisiting uses – it won’t be easy to do it guilt free. There will be NO bunnies or ducks, they are very noisy, if one of my neighbors created that much noise for over an hour, during the day, I could call the police on them and they would be forced to stop. The noise from the cooling systems is over 65 decibels, and louder when the diesel generators run, 24/7 everyday, all night, it travels for miles around. It’s driving people insane, can’t sleep, can’t go ourside, have to keep windows closed and sound machines on to drown it out. Can’t sell. Many have left it all behind anyway. Once you hear it, you can’t unhear it, like a huge farm full of giant monster cicadas. They railroad it in, with minimum public notification and promises of money money money and infastructure. People wake up one day to the noise saying what is that noise?! And soon learn, but too late to stop it, that it never ever stops. Amazon has set out billions for them, my state millions for infastructure. They are after land set in rural preservation zoning and next to our national parks, to use as a noise buffer. Not as many people to complain. They made the mistake of coming after “my” pristine and clean river with no industry or housing in sight for many miles. Plus they want to create an urban city, with urban zoning on the properties surrounding, much of it mine! It’s so out of place, and these people are sooooo greedy and crooked and way off mark, it’s blatant. They have hydro power, solar, water use for cooling systems and waste water treatment plans for my river in their writings, but deny those future intended uses in the public meetings.

    And it all reminds me of the property claiming adoption biz tactics that are quite often used in the very same way. Blatant nightmarish in your face lies.

    But other than that, all is well 😀 and I should get a new grandson in a few days! So I’ve been really busy trying not to worry about him and his mama by protecting his inheritance. So he can sit by the river with his grandkids one day, and know there really were such natural places as this once, and many fought to keep it that way, and luckily some won.


    • TAO

      April 10, 2023 at 4:20 pm

      Beth, I’m so sorry your paradise is being taken over by them, I’ve heard the noise is incessant and I couldn’t deal with that, I can’t even handle a toilet running. Hugs aren’t enough but all I have now to offer.


      • beth62

        April 10, 2023 at 4:53 pm

        Thanks TAO. Hugs back to you. Even tho I absolutely love every hug, my hard and cold armour is kinda getting in the way lately… very annoying. I’ll take em anyway tho! It was a shocker from far right field that’s for sure. Far far worse than my long nightmare of residential sprawl, with 10 acre minimum splits for high end housing on the river that was in the plans for this new property owner a few years back. That is not looking so bad at all now… they don’t need water and sewer infrastructure any more than I need or want it. Our water is plentiful, clean and clear. Many of my friends with city water load up on it when they visit. So much so, I keep a bunch of large water fountain bottles around. It’s working far better than treated drinking water and waste water treatment ever could, and it’s all free and very sustainable as it is. Hardly a benefit as proposed to our historically rich and clean, generationally marginalized community of affordable and healthy living – like the clueless global industrailists insist it is. We don’t need or want it, they do.
        Argh, it’s all way too aggravating, dirty, stinky and slimy for profits to me!

        Liked by 1 person

      • beth62

        April 11, 2023 at 3:44 am

        Thank you, still grinning at “paradise” LOL My little bit of paradise is surrounded by swampy bug filled poison ivy fields littered with critters, snakes and bears LOL and grumpy old black women that hit me with things every chance they get. And I love every inch of it, and them. Except for the ticks, I, we all could really do without the ticks of paradise.

        I do have a funny. I know you like the funnies. When I was talking to the evil hyperscaler’s land aquisition jerks, while thinking back on my young bad boys and how I could possibly have kept them out of trouble in a threatening situation like this, as these jerks were lying to my face about far too many things. I sort of jokingly said, “Just so you know, if it’s close enough for us to hit it with the potato gun, it’s too close. We have fields full of potatoes, and beets, somewhere nearly year round.” (Imagine my thrill when I heard about the actual cannons and cannon balls LOL)

        We also have a serious skunk problem right now. Real actual skunks, not Amazon, etc. So we’ve been trapping them, dozens of them, and releasing them deeper in the wilderness (on that property in question 🙂 ) for the last week or so. So we can breathe outside while we work, and be allowed inside somewhere when we are done for the day… big fun.

        Today my buddy determined that the smaller skunks will most likely fit into the potato gun. 🤣

        I can’t really smell them anymore as of today (really bad sign :/ ) only feel the burn in my nose and eyes still… I hope, and imagine lovely flying beet and skunk dreams will fill my head tonight, without a worry about the smell 🙂 I think I’ll dream about recording a video of it all from the drone too, so I can replay it over and over again in my next day and night dreams. LOL
        But let’s not relax too much, it’s become time to begin to panic. I have about a week to de-skunk myself so they’ll let me near my new grandson!!!


        • beth62

          April 11, 2023 at 2:59 pm

          dang, I was right. Another bad sign is when Mz C chases me out of her kitchen with a dish towel, and throws a bottle of vodka at me in the yard…… banished from breakfast again 😕


          • beth62

            April 12, 2023 at 2:30 pm

            dang, still banished in exile. I’m going home LOL

            Liked by 1 person

            • TAO

              April 17, 2023 at 5:13 pm

              Am I missing something Beth?



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