Just A Product

I’m in a fairly angry phase right now about where adoption seems to be headed, and to me, it certainly isn’t headed in the direction to make things right or better for adoptees. I never thought I’d see the day where I seriously called myself a Product, but sadly, that day has come.

How did we get here? Over time, legislation sealed the records of our birth from us in all but 2 states.

Domestic adoptees and allies have worked together to change the archaic laws that most states put in place decades ago to hide from us where we came from, who we came from, the names of those who created us, who our ancestors were, are, or even what our nationalities are. The goal of the adoption folk back then seemed to be to make us all Blank Slates for the people who wanted to adopt babies and/or children.

International Adoption brought adoptees brought to the USA but some of them, their adoptive parents didn’t complete the citizenship process to make them US Citizens.

International Adoptees who face even more hurdles than domestic adoptees to know where they came from, including the thousands of International Adoptees that still live without citizenship because their new adoptive parents didn’t do whatever was needed to make them US citizens, and yes, some adoptees have already been deported to their home countries. I can’t imagine what they go through being deported to their home country, likely not knowing the language, or knowing another soul in their country of birth. It horrifies me that 20ish years later and their lack of US citizenship has still not been fixed, not for lack of trying by adoptees and allies, either.

To me, it’s damning how little people who proudly profess they “love adoption” and state “how much beauty there is in adoption”, also don’t seem to know (or or maybe they don’t care about) the irregularities that can happen in domestic adoption, foster care, or international adoption.

Nor the inescapable ongoing loss to the mothers and their families that lost one of their own to adoption, whatever the reason.

You know me well enough by now that you know I’m not saying adoption is all bad; or there isn’t a need for some children to be cared for. Nor that all adoptive parents are bad, there have always been some adoptive parents who stood up when something didn’t seem right in the adoption, good folks that wouldn’t be part of anything that didn’t smell right, that type of adoptive parent will always exist, they’ll do it the right way, or they’ll walk away. To me, the problem is it’s highly doubtful that all hopeful adoptive parents would stand up and say no if they thought something wasn’t right and walk away in the same situation.

Ask yourself if you would walk away if you thought an expectant mother really wanted to at least try parenting instead of signing away her parental rights at the hospital post birth.

Would you? Could you? Have you?

Do you even know if the mother was offered help to sign up for any of the services the government or charities may have that would be enough to allow the mother and child to stay together? Does any adoption agency you know of first work to find the expectant mother the resources to parent before suggesting looking at whether adoption was something to consider?

And if you say yes? How do you know? Because the ASP told you they did?

Adoption has gone through many phases since the mid to late 1800’s when the first adoptions happened in the USA, the BSE, the slow transition to openness in adoption, and yet, I truly thought most had changed. I was wrong, I’d lulled myself by listening to the more enlightened, I stayed away from the over the top voices, because, quite frankly, I can’t deal with the saccharine sweet words used to describe “birthmothers” that some adoptive parents use, at least until after the adoption is final that is, and yet, over time for some adoptive parents, it becomes inconvenient to have another mother in the picture, maybe not visible, but yet, somehow always there…

And now with so many states gearing up to create or have created as many Safe Haven Baby Boxes as possible – my heart just breaks.

My anger to Safe Haven Baby Boxes is palpable and constant, products we are, not human beings or this wouldn’t be acceptable to anyone. And yet, I haven’t heard a single peep from any Adoption Agencies about how hard it can be on the one left in the baby box with no knowledge, no story, no birth mother, no birth father, no family members, familial history, nothing except you were left in a box and your mother walked away. All of this is this because Safe Haven Baby Boxes wave a magic wand that do away with those birth parents, the child’s ancestry, their story, and my understanding is that in at at least one state, it isn’t even required to notify the state that the baby exists and is documented to ensure they have an original birth certificate, let alone that there will be no non-id, nor even a hint of any family health history, but I’m guessing some of the adoptive parents won’t mind having a blank slate babies with no ties, at all; one day they may care, but it will be to late then to say they wished they’d known better, been more vocal because it’s really hard to grow up with no knowledge of the why you weren’t kept.

If you know an adoption agency who has spoken out about baby boxes on behalf of adoptees – please, do let me know.

There are also some adoptive parents that want that fairytale story that the adopted child was meant to be their child, not the child of their mother and father by birth, and believe if they raise them right, they’d never want to know the family by birth. And yes, they really do exist, what percent want that – no one knows because stats aren’t collected or kept it seems, but I’d guess they’d think a Safe Haven baby might just be the ticket, rather than something to mourn for the child you are raising.

So, the above is a large part of the anger I’ve been feeling, but the other part is that it was my mother’s birthday the other day, a mother I never met, never got to know, hear her voice, spend time with, or physically see myself reflected back in her in any way. And just like the day my son passed away, every year something in my soul brings that reminder into my consciousness long before I’m aware her birthday is coming up, I don’t need a calendar, it is just there rising to the surface to remind me of what we both lost.

This year was worse because I also turned the same age my mother was when she passed away.

So much loss that it becomes hard to contain, it’s hard to be my normal me; working in the yard helps, seeing the birds and squirrels helps, my cats, having a good other half helps as well. Yet none can solve those feelings deep inside of me, it just takes time for those feelings to slowly ebb away until next year comes around and the cycle begins again.

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I’m leaving a link below to an article you need to read, absorb, talk about. It’s written by Malinda L. Seymour who literally made life bearable for so many adoptees struggling with big feelings and letting us vent to her on her blog posts – she’s also an AP.

Seymore, Malinda L., Social Costs of Dobbs’ Pro-Adoption Agenda (March 6, 2023). 57 U.C. Davis Law Review ___ (forthcoming 2023), Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=

I'm pleased to report that my latest article, Social Costs of Dobbs' Pro-Adoption Agenda, will be published in November by the U.C. Davis Law Review! Advance copy available on SSRN, comments welcome. https://t.co/HEHYWsrbI6 pic.twitter.com/I5UlTVZ79J

— Malinda Seymore (@adoptiontalk) March 6, 2023

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