Secrets Part Two

Most who have been here for awhile know CB, she made a comment on the post Secrets. A comment that expands on different comments made on the WAPO article that I wrote about in the above post, and one in particular from an AP. (that was hard to explain without me ending up confused.) Anyway…

The comment made on the WAPO post by an AP that CB specifically responds to from my post:

“We need to remove the stigma from adopted children that they are somehow not whole people with sufficient identity on their own and with their adoptive families unless they pursue bio-parents and others who share DNA.

The ‘adoption stigma’ needs to be completely removed so that your identity isn’t tied to DNA or the circumstances of your birth.”

CB’s comment below:

First of all, I thought Amy’s reply was a good one.

I then read all the comments, there were a lot of comments about “a right to privacy” (especially by getalife (an adoptive parent)) but when the “secret” involves other human beings then I feel it is advisable to “come to terms with one’s *secret*” so that one can separate the event from the people it affects – counselling as recommended by Amy is a good idea. I don’t think anyone is downplaying what women went through in those long ago times rather we are just saying that eventually, to truly move forward, one needs to be able to separate the event from the person.

There were also the usual “the person I gave birth to means nothing to me” and “the people who gave birth to me mean nothing to me” – often considered the “ideal outlook” in adoption and was probably considered the hopeful outcome of closed adoption – although I personally feel it a bit sad that “indifference towards others” is seen as an ideal in any situation, it feels a bit spiritually bankrupt, although that’s just me.

The thing is that in many cases (in my case at least), it often isn’t until after one has contacted birth family that one realizes that that extra knowledge does in fact help “complete one’s identity”. If you had asked me whether I felt “incomplete” beforehand, I would have said “no” and that would have been my truth at the time, I didn’t feel “incomplete”. However, getting to know more information about my origins did help with identity in a way that I didn’t expect. Whatever the case, whatever feelings I did have (and in hindsight, I can see that I did have feelings I didn’t acknowledge at the time), they were feelings I would have had regardless of any “stigma” surrounding adoption.

People like the above commenter need to stop speaking as if they know what they are talking about. It isn’t that simple. It often isn’t outside “stigma” that causes adoptees to feel how they feel whatever that may be. If anything, this insistence by people “that if we need to remove the stigma around adoption so that adoptees will feel differently about being adopted” may backfire because it may make the adoptee feel there is something wrong with themselves if they do still have mixed feelings about things despite “everything being ideal”.

As always, CB is willing to dig deep and see the potential ramifications for so many different angles in adoption, thankful to have known CB for years now, she’s the logical one.

And on another note: thank you to all who read my rambling thoughts – whether they are laced with anger or not. Also, don’t be shy to add to the conversation. Cheers