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I’m still here

03 Nov

Having a hard time making any of my thoughts translate to a post, so here’s yet another try.

Just heard a middle-aged adoptee who was asked to introduce himself, who, after stating his name included “I’m adopted and I hit the Jackpot.” He was speaking in a situation where being adopted (or not) had no bearing on anything, they just wanted his name for the record.

It was bizarre to say the least.

Other than it being bizarre in that situation; I do think many of us feel the need to validate being adopted, adoption, and to validate that our parents are really our parents. I’ve done it multiple times over the years, I don’t do it now. I do think parents need to make it clear that their child doesn’t need to stand up for them or adoption in this type of situation.

If I’m talking online with people in adoption – I now refuse to cater to those who use it to judge the validity of my words in any adoption discussion; I really don’t care if someone in adoption decides I’m anti-adoption, or I must have had a bad experience, or applies the angry adoption label. And yet, I have to ask – what does it actually matter if I hate adoption or love adoption; or had a “good adoption experience” or a “terrible adoption experience” – adoption is my life-long experience.

And yet, I still have that instinctive need to make others comfortable and it makes me both mad and sad. I’m also mad because society dictates that, we, who had zero say in the matter must feel obligated to do that, and we shouldn’t feel obligated simply because we are adopted. I’ve been trying to break that habit, somewhat successfully, except if you don’t there are consequences – any discussion you may have that is adoption related – is judged based their perception of how you view your adoption. It’s like adoptees can’t be trusted to have an objective view of adoption if they challenge the status quo based on their knowledge and lived experiences, but yet, adoptive parents can be trusted to know all, which makes no sense because most have little to no understanding of what it’s like being adopted, the pitfalls, the hard, the incredibly bad things that sometimes happen in adoption. Maybe it’s because we’ve lived it for all or most of our lives and the others haven’t, and listening to the hard parts makes them feel bad, or they just don’t care, they got theirs, it’s all good.

And the saddest part of that is that adoption is something that was done to you, and if you were a baby, you had no voice to agree to it, or not. Which brings me to older children who “want to be adopted”. “He asked us to adopt him” is an oft used reason, a child who is in care – are they really wanting to be adopted, or are they simply wanting to not be bounced around, never being stable, always expecting to be moved. Maybe guardianship is a better solution than adoption for them, and if they want the adoption as an adult, then it’s a choice freely given, rather than what others expect the child wants.

So those are my random thoughts this morning. What’s been happening in your world?

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10 Comments

Posted by on November 3, 2022 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

10 responses to “I’m still here

  1. cb

    November 3, 2022 at 9:50 pm

    When I talk about “adoption” these days, I try to be specific and talk about our Western form of adoption, otherwise there is too much talking at cross-purposes.

    For example, as you say above, when an older child says they want to be adopted, they are normally saying they want a secure future and as you point out, there may be other alternatives that provide that security. Here in Australia, we also have “permanent care” which provides the security while keeping the link to the birth family and not changing the birth certificate (things like surnames are up to the child) – the point being that there are various options available.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • beth62

      November 4, 2022 at 5:47 am

      Always happy too see you still here TAO. That is one of my most favorite quotes. It fits well in many spots. Ya know, after my last birthday I thought it sounded impressive, or credible when I said, “I’ve been living with Adoption in my life for 60 years.” But nope, not good enough. I guess it’s good enough to just know that I am not the confused, jealous, ignorant, fearful, insecure, naive, selfish or weak one. I am a Master of Adoption, leaf blowing, apple pickin, and… I’m old, so lots of stuff haha (Who ever they is, they say after 10,000 hours of doing a thing you can do, you will become a master at it)

      I’m surving well, barely 🙂 Had a huge pumpkin and apple year, so that was good. Very, very glad it’s over, well, almost over. At least the hardest parts are done, just picking up the pieces now and waiting on a freeze. I’m not even the one in charge of it all anymore, not even an official helper, and I still wasn’t sure if I’d make it past Halloween. It’s all a little like grandkids now, I can just go to my quiet and clean home when I’ve had enough. Not my responsibility and I’m not getting paid!

      The look on a little kids face when they drop a pumpkin and it splits open has become one of my favorite things. They just don’t know how to react, it’s so funny watching them trying to figure out how to respond to such an unbelievable suprise. A suprise they just got told about at least a dozen times in the last five minutes. I’ve gotten good at spotting the inevitable ones LOL I should be ashamed to say that I’m most entertained by the ones who go through all of the emotions and finally grab a handful of pumpkin guts, throw it at their big siblings and run away squealing.

      I confess, I did not like dealing with the little ones who got lost (ditched by siblings) in the corn maze, at all :/ I’m not very good at it, I got all choked up with a couple of them. It’s a bit ridiculous, but it is what it is. Still embarassing.

      My daughter told me I’m getting another grandson this spring, so I think my new plan will be to rest up until then! And rest up from the suprise and worry of that announcement right now 😶

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • TAO

        November 9, 2022 at 4:01 pm

        A *retired* Beth – not sure I believe that you’d be happy sitting and rocking away your days on your porch.

        More grandbabies – so maybe rocking grandbabies on your porch will become your retirement job title. Cheers and Congratulations my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

         
    • beth62

      November 4, 2022 at 6:03 am

      I’m glad you shared that cb, thank you. I hadn’t heard that term anywhere before, or I’ve forgotten. Some of the boys that came to be part of my family call me their permanent mom when explaining me, us, to people. It stuck. I like it, probably because I really really like being a permanent mom to them, permanently. That was and is the main goal, and what they mainly wanted, a place to be, to belong, permanently. They are almost 30 now, I am in awe of the outstanding men they’ve grown to be.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  2. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    November 3, 2022 at 10:12 pm

    I have learned so much from this site, especially how adoptees feel. Truly, if it were not like sites such as this, there would be no understanding. Of course, many will not be open to the message. Years have passed in order for me to reach the pain of understanding. We all have our own perceptions, depending on how adoption has affected us. Having our own pain can close us off to the pain of others, such as the “mixed bag” experienced by those who have been adopted. Some say that with age comes wisdom. Well, not always! Just sometimes. While I’m not professing to be wise, my final point is that I am grateful for the vibes I’ve always gotten from Tao, whom I have always perceived as a person who is able to express important views but always with a kind heart. In a society which has recently been torn apart by hate, I welcome a site such as this.

    Liked by 2 people

     
  3. beth62

    November 11, 2022 at 2:09 pm

    I’m still trying to figure out and place that bizzare “out of place” comment in my puzzle. He had something on his mind for sure. Did he say it snarky like, or proud, or did it have teeth, or comedy? Interesting comment.

    Like

     

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