Knowing it was coming didn’t make it easier.

26 Jun

Adoption is a man-made institution that was designed to ensure children aren’t left homeless and/or parentless. What it isn’t, is an institution that magically creates ever-lasting bonds between a child and parent, if it was, rehoming would not occur, dissolutions would not happen, all types of abuse (including the rare death) would never happen.

But all of those things do happen and so much more that isn’t talked about outside of adoptee circles.

I don’t think adoption is beautiful, I do think it is one of the solutions when a child needs a home.

But, it’s also become the solution when every fertility option has failed and folks then *settle* for adopting. And what some seem to do then is to rush right in to adopt with a as quick as you can mentality; which means they aren’t dealing with and processing the loss of not *having their own* first. Nor are some doing any in-depth research on the impact to the one adopted, the seven core issues we have to deal with over our lifetime, and often, deal with processing the seven core issues many times across a lifetime. That lack of knowledge when you rush in, combined with the belief that we will seamlessly assimilate into a new family after being separated at birth from our mother, is going to come back and bite the one who had no choice most of all, the adoptee.

I will ever be thankful that dad knew how to connect to me as a babe, until I found my level of comfort with what was, not what should have been.

And now with Roe v. Wade gone and whether or not someone can obtain an abortion is left to the states, many expectant mothers will have very few choices, expectant fathers will get the same pass that fathers from my era did, so no worries there guys, continue on and bail on your child and their mother…

Will the end of Roe v. Wade be a boon for families seeking to adopt?

“The Supreme Court’s decision overturning Roe v. Wade could end up being an answered prayer — for gay couples who want kids, women struggling with infertility, and would-be single moms, an expert told The Post.

“This ruling could easily double the number of infant adoptions we see in America,” said Nicole Witt, a Florida adoption consultant who has helped unite more than 750 adoptive families with newborns over the last 18 years.

“It’s not going to be hundreds of thousands of babies,” she said. “But it’s absolutely going to be a significant help for families who are seeking to adopt.”

How adoption agencies are responding to potential overturning of Roe v. Wade

Herbie Newell, President of Lifeline Children’s Services, believes adoption rates will increase as a result, but the adoption system will be ready.

I do believe that we will see an uptick because of the decision that was made today, in the Dobbs v. Jackson case and that decision that came down from the Supreme Court,” Newell said. “I do believe that women are going to want to find suitable families for their child. I don’t think we are going to have a problem though.

What I heard when I read the above quotes and other ones since then, was confirmation that babies are a domestic product in high demand.

Which makes me sick to my stomach, not that it wasn’t true in my era, but it’s blatantly obvious now.

It appears we’ve come full circle within my lifetime, from when my mother found out she was pregnant, to when my father bailed and left her to deal with it, to what happened to me, and to her. And yes, she too went away during the original BSE, but thankfully, she didn’t have to go to a maternity home, but losing me cost her more than just losing me, it ruined other family relationships as well. When asked if she ever thought of me, she answered “every single day”. I don’t know how many years had passed when she was asked that, but she never got over losing me. And I still haven’t got over loosing her either, never hearing her voice, nor being able to look into her face, just being with her, hearing our story.

Adoption isn’t benign, it costs all of us in some way, good or bad.

That we are to the point again where many Mother’s will feel forced to put their baby up for adoption, simply signals to me that the Baby Scoop Era is back. Will this version of the BSE be kinder or a harsher version of the original BSE is unknown, it will be more in your face, something no one will be able to turn away from because most won’t be done in secret this time.

Disturbed – The Sound Of Silence [Official Music Video]


Posted by on June 26, 2022 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

13 responses to “Knowing it was coming didn’t make it easier.

  1. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    June 26, 2022 at 9:27 pm

    Thank you for your thoughts, Tao. I have been thinking of you! I wondered: How does this affect Tao? (And many other adopted people who have the same feelings as you.) Thinking back to the time of relinquishment takes me back to hopelessness and powerlessness. These thoughts are making me cry with grief. Too many people refuse to put themselves in a relinquishment mother’s shoes. The new law assures that many future women will have crippled souls.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. legitimatebastard

    June 27, 2022 at 12:53 am

    And it is a women-on-women crime against one another. I can’t understand why the rich, self-entitled, women think so little of other women who are less financially secure and less with a circle of social support.

    Just grab the babies of other women. This mentality is disgusting. The National Organization has never been interested in true women’s issues, just issues that will benefit wealthy women, white wealthy women.

    And not a mention of pregnancies that are holding a fetus unable to develop normally. Such a fetus not only can physically drain a pregant woman, but it can kill her. Women can die givng birth to malformed babies.

    Even if such a fetus is born and survives, no one talks about babies who are institutionalized with severe medical conditions that keep them bed-ridden. These children grow into adults with severe malformations, medical problems, and cognitive imparments costing health care providers lots of money in care-homes. I haven’t seen such humans, but my daughter did when she delivered prescriptions to group homes 100 miles into the country away from civilization where no one knows these places exist. Or, I should say, where no one knows these people are kept alive with no possiblity of achieveing a normal life. My daughter told me this one person had a head with a three-foot circumfrance with tearful eyes that followed her in the room. The patient was unable to talk, move, or walk, and lay in an adult-sized crib because, well, she or he was an adult.

    Is this life that ough to be “protected” by The Right to Life?

    What about pregnancies in which a fetus is mangled by medications the mother took?

    Such was my pregnancy is 1996. I had been taking anti-depressants and a tranquilzer for several years due to the constant harrassment and humilation and hate directed at me from members of my extended adopted family and natural family. Very early into the pregnancy, I knew I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I went together for the test. The doctor told us both that I was three weeks pregnant but the baby was already too damaged by the meds to survive. Bone and brain deformities. He said the choice was mine, and he knew we really wanted the baby, but for the humane aspect, we should really consider terminating the pregnancy. We cried. Nurses comforted us. It took a few more weeks to arrange the abortion. By then, I was 9 weeks along. I have never forgiven myself. I have never forgiven the people who tormented me for decades that made it neccessary for me to be on life-saving meds for my mental health. Today, I am free from those meds, now for several years. But the abusers still lurk…even read your blog.

    I suppose that, according to The Supreme Court of the United States, I could be arrested for my crime. And so would my now-former boyfriend. And so would be my friends who helped us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      June 27, 2022 at 1:46 am

      I’m so sorry Legitimtebastard

      Liked by 2 people

      • legitimatebastard

        June 27, 2022 at 1:57 am

        Thank you, TAO.

        I kept this to myself for all these years.

        My boyfriend and I attended weekly pregnancy-loss grief group sessions for nearly a year afterward.

        There were parents attending that had still-births, mid-term fetal deaths with mothers who had to iinduce labor knowing they’d give birth to a dead baby, mothers who were in the same place as I was.

        Ive been wondering why The News hasn’t addressed this issue. I heard only a few women speak out on NPR.

        I can’t imagine being forced to caryy such a pregnancy to full term.

        Liked by 2 people

        • TAO

          June 27, 2022 at 2:34 am

          Neither can I. I hope people choose to take a deeper dive into the risks and heart
          break of pregnancy,

          Liked by 2 people

        • swiftabc

          June 27, 2022 at 8:04 pm

          Your story is heartbreaking. Yet the recent ruling takes no notice of these heartbreaking, excruciating realities.

          Liked by 2 people

    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      June 27, 2022 at 3:33 am

      Your story needs to be told, shedding light on more than one issue. I don’t know if you remember the thalidomide babies. It’s heartbreaking to learn one’s pregnancy is doomed. Even more so if you have to keep carrying a pregnancy that will result in much suffering if born. No child asks to be born just so they can suffer. There is no need to forgive humiliators, haters and tormentors who affected your mental health. Let them stew in their own poisonous hatred.

      Liked by 1 person

      • legitimatebastard

        June 27, 2022 at 5:25 pm

        Thank you so much, Books…I’m working on a newspaper article from my comments here. I haven’t been able to write about this until now. …Oh, I was pregnant in the fall of 1996. Pregnancy terminated in January 1997. During the ice and snow. And yes, there were protestors outside picketing and shouting. … yes, I do remember the thalidomide babies. Too bad the Supreme Court isn’t so wise as they ought to be. I used to have respect for the highest court in our government. Not any more. We have sparation of church and state, supposedly.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. beth62

    June 27, 2022 at 1:03 pm


    Liked by 2 people

  4. beth62

    June 27, 2022 at 1:16 pm

    How many states permit the freedom of choice of abortion now today?
    How many states permit the freedom of adult adoptee access to their original birth information and parents names now today?
    How many states provide real financial, medical and living assistance to working mothers?
    Is there still a tax credit for adopting?

    All I know is, laws discriminating against the illegitimately born are still in force in most states of the country. They apply to the legit too.
    How convenient.
    Adoption is awfully ugly today.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      June 27, 2022 at 1:25 pm

      The only answer I have is the Tax Credit – yes, it still exists, now up to something like 15K…

      Liked by 2 people

      • beth62

        June 27, 2022 at 1:34 pm

        Of course it does…. 😒

        I forgot a question, I’m sure I’ll think of more later )

        Do city, county or state agencies still get a hefty federal bonus check when infants and toddlers in foster care get adopted?

        Liked by 1 person

        • TAO

          June 27, 2022 at 2:50 pm

          Yes, they do, it’s based on some math formula they came up with, could find it if you want to read it.

          Liked by 1 person


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