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Rambling troubled thoughts about the future…

19 May

I’ve been watching the back and forth between the Know Nothing About Being Adopted Folk vs. Adoptees on different social media sites since the Alito draft on Roe v. Wade was leaked.

It’s been wild. It’s also been ugly, adoptees being mocked and harassed, old adoption tropes thrown about. Although I didn’t hear any adoptee being called a bastard, so there is that…

I also never knew there were so many kept folk who knew an adoptee who loved being adopted, so I thought it time to talk about all the people who know an adoptee who loves being adopted, and, also feel free to share that with others. Or those who hold up their adopted child as one who loves being adopted, sometimes with the child present, smdh, never stopping to consider they are putting the child they claim to love so much in the spotlight. If the child has, or ever has challenging feelings about being adopted, you know who they won’t turn too. Clueless Adoptive Parents need to sit themselves down and do some research about the different ways adoption can affect the child across a lifetime, and one of those ways is being held up as the poster child for pro-adoption before they are old enough to know how they feel about being adopted, and that takes years, decades, before the full reality of being adopted comes to light and you can look back and say my adoption was…

If you knew me in real life, you’d likely find many who would tag me as ‘loves being adopted’; from the people in the church I went to growing up, my teachers and classmates as well, neighbors, even the people I worked with over the years would likely say the same. Heck, even a neighbor girl I grew up with became an Adoptive Parent because it worked so well for me, same with a cousin of mine. My cousin did ask me about it, but I down-played the losses and feelings, because I was protecting mom and dad, something many adoptees do and I’d guess still do. And we do it because we grew up with the societal stigma around adoption that still exists today, despite how often the same folks will sing the praises of how beautiful adoption is, what a blessing it is, how lucky we are to be adopted and how grateful we must be, they also never let us forget we will always be the ones who could have been aborted, or thrown in a dumpster, unwanted, given away.

The adoptees I know have also done the protection thing when they’ve been asked, and there are reasons for it, good reasons, reasons that still exist today, that shouldn’t, but do and always will.

Being adopted is complicated: despite your folks loving you and you loving them, being adopted is filled with loss, and different types of losses across a lifetime, each unique, each hard. And usually the first loss is about not being kept and we place the blame on ourselves, something was wrong with me, or I did something, we also ask what was wrong with me that my mother didn’t fight to keep me. We may never voice some of those feelings out loud, but for many they exist, inside. How much hold they have on the adoptee is unique, but I’ve never met an adoptee who didn’t have those feelings in some form, and one day they felt safe enough to give them a voice. And that’s the thing, some adoptees take decades before they feel safe enough to go there, that place inside they always stayed away from. I will never forget the adoptee who loved being adopted, until the day she delved into her adoption as a senior, and then realized she’d been abandoned and it broke her and her view of adoption. Until then, she’d never seen adoption as anything other than loving and good. Maybe future adoptees will be able to go there because their parents know about the losses adoptees have, and can talk about it without their needs bleeding through, I hope some can, but I’d guess most can’t, especially if they came with their own losses and haven’t tended them.

At the same time, being adopted can also be filled with love from your parents, and your love for your parents who adopted you, even if they had a hard time getting the *you* that you were born to be, and are different than them, because, genetics. And it must be really hard to deal when you got parents who needed you to be the replacement for the child they wanted, but couldn’t have, and instead, got a child who was night and day different than they were, because, again, genetics.

Or you got parents who should never have been approved to adopt in the first place, and they aren’t as rare as people would like to think, whether it was physical abuse, mental abuse, unable to accept *you* couldn’t make up for them not having their own, or they have mental health challenges that should have been seen and excluded them from adopting. Are they in the minority? I hope so, but who knows, just never discount an adoptee who says they were abused, whether physically, mentally, or both.

If Roe v. Wade is struck down, I fear for the future for those adopted, I really do, I’m also pro-choice btw.

 
27 Comments

Posted by on May 19, 2022 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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27 responses to “Rambling troubled thoughts about the future…

  1. swiftabc

    May 19, 2022 at 8:28 pm

    Powerful and honest…

    Like

     
  2. legitimatebastard

    May 20, 2022 at 1:12 am

    The wealthy people will win, the poor will lose. They are creating The Hand Maids Tale and they want it that way. We are doomed.

    Like

     
    • beth62

      May 20, 2022 at 2:15 pm

      They are setting traps everywhere legit :/ all kinds of traps, every day I see a new one, or a new piece of the trap.
      There is a big surrogacy business near me. I go to the house with my friend where some of the mothers stay. I can barely stomach it and don’t really know why I go. Curious, I guess. My friend provides fresh produce in the summer. I just help, and I don’t have to go inside the building, but I do anyway, dammit.
      On our recent visit many of the mothers there only spoke Spanish and were very homeless before they arrived. I really only know kitchen, garden and roofing Spanish, and I struggle with that, but I got the jist of what the moms were saying, a few translations helped lol.
      The gossip is, if you can you’d be crazy not to. 9+ months of free medical, rent and food, tuition assistance, and when the job is done you get a big fat check that allows the real American dream to begin.
      I also found out some women there are paid far more than others, and they aren’t about to tell the others. Apparently, you can negotiate your terms. The big extremely disturbing to me gossip is – some of the women were already pregnant when they arrived there.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • TAO

        May 20, 2022 at 2:28 pm

        Women using women, always gobsmacked by that.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • beth62

          May 20, 2022 at 3:59 pm

          All for someone’s want of a newborn baby 😦
          My friend quietly told a group of them to insist on more money. I can understand how any of them would intend on protecting their own good deal made. A survival thing. Ugh, argh, ack, yuck, one or the other gets hurt regardless of if that truth is shared now or not. We went round and round for days on what we could do/say about it. Attempting to help people not get ripped off somehow is the minimum.
          It’s all worse than awful to me.

          Liked by 1 person

           
          • TAO

            May 20, 2022 at 4:51 pm

            It truly is. Maybe the law will catch the ones doing this to women like they did with that guy from Arizona with Marshallese women.

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            • beth62

              May 21, 2022 at 1:38 pm

              I have no idea, but it’s a high class kind of place. I’m told it’s extremely legit. It’s said they go above and beyond to keep things ethical and to stay in lucrative business. I hear it’s highly regulated, which I do not believe, I think it’s more like the wide open wild wild west.
              As far as the expecting women who were not part of the hired surrogacy situation, that are rumored to be there, my best guess would be, heck if I know. I hope they don’t misrepresent that situation somehow. I guess they are already in the adoption business with surrogacy arrangements, so why not agree to “help” this woman with her fertility problem with Adoption.
              The rumor is they don’t get paid like the others, just get food, medical and housing.
              ack, yuck, bleh, ugh

              Liked by 1 person

               
        • legitimatebastard

          May 20, 2022 at 6:44 pm

          Wealthy women don’t give a care about poor women. Just give me your baby. Here, I’ll pay you so you’ll never have to worry about a thing in your life…

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          • beth62

            May 21, 2022 at 1:44 pm

            I think the payment amount they get might be a good supplement to their income, for a few years at best. If they lived on it, it’d be gone in no time. I think some must see that number and think it’s a huge amount of money 😦 It’s not. I think it’s tricky.

            Liked by 2 people

             
      • legitimatebastard

        May 20, 2022 at 6:42 pm

        OMG. I can’t imagine living so close to a surrogate mouther baby farm. This is very disturbing.
        These women are deeply brainwashed. These children they are pregnant with will have problems we adoptees know of so well, but their problems will be deeper, stronger, split in a million different ways.

        It’s hard enough to know that Buffalo, New York has a large infertility center somewhere in the city. Ii can’t look for it. I just can’t.

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        • beth62

          May 21, 2022 at 12:03 pm

          They are everywhere legit. I can’t not look, then when I look, I wish I hadn’t! It took a while before I could go without puking when we left. It’s still very upsetting. It’s so high security, we are not supposed to go inside or talk to the women, unless we are invited to a luncheon or activity. I had to sign a form, pre-visit, saying I would not divulge any information at all of it’s existence. (I obviously break rules lol) It’s more high security than the emergency women’s shelters. There are “chaperones” more like guards that disrupt conversations… I freaked the f out when “Aunt Lydia” says, “Alright Ladies, let’s find something more positive to talk about, your guests do not want to hear that, it’s not good for the babies either. We’d hate for our guests not to be able to come back.” while giving me the evilest eye.
          Some of the women there are so proud of this job that they are doing. I get that. But they are so extremely positive about it, nothing else is heard, any and everything else is greatly defended.
          It’s a job, pays double+ what most would make in a year. Some are bat chit crazy, not so nice or loving at all, quite unpleasant. It’s a job to them. They say it’s far better than dancing on the pole or creating a situation to get alimony and child support.
          This is usually where I puke…
          And at the talk from some about how it doesn’t matter, this one isn’t genetically theirs, so no separation issues to be had.

          Liked by 1 person

           
          • legitimatebastard

            May 25, 2022 at 12:00 am

            No separation issues? Really? The BABY knows this mother’s heart beat, her voice, her emotions. At birth, this baby will be instinctively searching for this mother. For her breasts for milk. Instinctively. This baby she is pregnant with is bonding with her emotionally and physically. This surrogate mother’s blood is feeding this child! This surrogate mother’s food is digested and nutrients and toxins are forming this baby! This surrogate’s hormones are influencing this baby’s body and brain development. HER hormones determine the gender of this baby as well as do the genes. Her antibodies, her immunity gets passed to the baby. WTF?! I’m getting sick…my blood pressure boils when I think of the damage these idiot women are creating. Not to mention the life-long psychological issues this baby will have throughout their lifetime, and then, epigenetics on future generations. Is no one thinking of all the consequences????

            Like

             
            • beth62

              May 25, 2022 at 5:53 am

              It boils me too legit. I think people don’t give a rip. I heard they are being called ‘gestational carriers” by the “intended families”.
              Can you imagine growing up and hearing about – your carrier.
              🤢
              or discovering late that you had a carrier

              Like

               
        • beth62

          May 21, 2022 at 12:11 pm

          Oh yeah, they have expecting parent’s day about once a month. From what I have heard about it – I do not want to witness that.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  3. Laksh

    May 20, 2022 at 11:30 am

    So well put. I think as adoptive parents, if we can face up to the fact that adoption was Plan B or C and then sit with that for a while it will *hopefully* make us realize that our children are facing the same thing everytime they see a family picture or in the mirror. Truth is threaded through our lives every single day. It is not a one moment I acknowledge it and can move on. This past month has been such a wake up call in our home even thought I was ‘open’. Your blog is where I come to for advice and to sit with everything. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • legitimatebastard

      May 20, 2022 at 12:14 pm

      I wish my adoptive motehr would have had you to talk with about her misguided views on adoption. Thank you. Adoption isn’t ownership, or it shouldn’t be.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Cindy

        June 2, 2022 at 5:16 pm

        Oh, but adoption –is– ownership/ transfer of title. Can’t acknowledge the truth. noooo, can’t do that. I look at my dad’s so-called amended (as if the first birth certificate was defective and had to be corrected) birth certificate and see the dark, damaging, ugly lie of “born to” stamped on it and it makes me want to scream. It’s a lie and nothing but a lie. It does a number on future generations too. It does all kinds of damage for those down the line. Why should I have to go to court to change my name when it is my heritage, my history? Why should I have to ‘clean up the mess’ of the lie? It always bothered me in school when I wrote my “legal name”. It may have been legal, but it felt like the lie that it was and it caused me great distress. Of course, adoption in general causes me great distress (after all 5 generations of my family, that I know of, have been affected by it) but hey, it’s no biggy as long as it’s working why mess with sunshine, rainbows and win-win-wins? I think I would come completely unglued if I had to see my son’s amended birth certificate.. so I’ll not bother asking to see it. Seems a bit ridiculous to feel so strongly…but, no, it’s not. Lies and deception hurt. So does separating a mother and her newborn infant…but hey, we’ve long been considered incubators/expendable…it’s only ducklings and puppies and kittens and other wildlife that brings out the oooh’s and aww that’s so sweet comments when mother and little ones are reunited. And forget the fathers entirely(sadly)…no, no, no…the adoptive family is the oooh and awww. Bitter? Yeah. I’m not gonna lie and say, yeah, I can work with that, both/and, that’s so doable. Not. It’s not doable, that’s why so very little, if anything, ever really changes for the better/best interest of…

        Can you tell I’m having a really rough day? Sorry. That’s why I don’t comment or follow up comments very often. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Someday the world is going to figure that out and start “treating others as they would want to be treated”. After all how many would want to have to surrender/ lose/ or (‘scuse me while I gag on this phrase) “place their (newborn) /child for”/to adoption?

        Tao, if you feel it would be best to delete this please feel free….. I just can’t seem to find peaceable ground with adoption today.

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • TAO

          June 2, 2022 at 5:41 pm

          You’re good Cindy, comments I get upset over are those that are meanspirited because you’ll never get them to hear it, they’ll double down – not explaining well, but I think you get what I mean.

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        • legitimatebastard

          June 2, 2022 at 11:12 pm

          Cindy, Yes, of course adoption is ownership. I fully agree with everything you said. I was writing to Laksh, an adoptive mother. My adoptive mother could have learned from her. Absolutely adoption is ownership… I meant say it shouldn’t be. It should respect the children as who they are and who they were born to and no desire to change a birth certificate to make the adoptee “born” to the new legal parents. We must change this. Laws that do this to adoptees’ birth certificates must be repealed and replaced. I have been speaking out about this and writing against this since 1974 when I first saw my Original Birth Certificate. This legal lie makes me sick. I get so angry about this, too, so you are not alone.

          Like

           
          • beth62

            June 3, 2022 at 4:11 pm

            I agree, it is a type of ownership.
            Once the birth record is amended, it seems to me that it’s no longer a record of birth, it’s more a record of title.
            I’ve heard it said that it’s the same type of ownership as it would be if you were a biological child of those on your amended record. The as-if clause.
            As-if that is a good excuse.
            I disagree with that, while ‘as-if a biological child’ may be true in some ways, it’s not true here.
            It’s very not true here. It’s very, VERY different than being a biological child of said parents.

            Sealed records make it extremely ugly. The ammendment of records and no access to sealed records is so often skipped over, not mentioned, hidden from most, even believed as false or historical.
            I’m not sure what it is, I guess it’s the fog of fluffy bunnies, the belief that having that all taken away from anyone is worth it to be with the fluffy bunnies. Or possibly the belief that all have equal freedom and liberty today, along with the belief of all having access to land line telephone, moblie phone and internet service at their homes. Too many clueless people injecting beliefs and opinions not based on fact.

            The responses I’ve gotten while trying to explain amended and sealed records is mostly of disbelief. It’s not until they see both of my birth certificates together, with the same certificate number with different parent names, that most even begin to believe it’s even true, for me, let alone all.

            When I’m not legally permitted to see the information on my original record of birth, or be given any identifying information of my original parents and family – my roots… Yeah, it’s as-if something alright.

            An interesting, informative, unbiased, factual documentary is needed. Not one mention of anyone’s feelings or opinions are needed. The facts are seriously quite shocking on their own, even to me and I am very exposed to it all. I’m still shocked when I see my own birth certificates, and even more shocked at those that think I should not ever see it. Even more shocked when they say it to my face, along with all that follows… lucky, grateful, maybe it’s for the best, disloyal, ungrateful, need to accept your loss, stfu and go along so you don’t make Adoption look bad…. (aka Turn down the light, the dust and dirt is showing!!

            I told someone recently how upset I was that my birth state voted against opening records to adult adoptees, about one year ago. They accused me of lying.
            What does that decision lead me to believe?
            I am still considered an illigetimate bastard (the reason for ammended and sealed records in Adoption) by my state, which makes it okay to discriminate which freedoms I am allowed.

            Like

             
    • beth62

      May 20, 2022 at 1:43 pm

      Makes my day when I see you sitting here Laksh, truly. I sit here often, just trying to process whatever the moment brings at the moment. And then I open my big mouth and typically embarrass myself, making little sense at all I imagine. It used to bother me LOL but I’ve learned that my kind of crazy actually helps some people, my apologies to the rest 😊
      I hope you and yours are hanging in there thru the storms alright.

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • TAO

      May 20, 2022 at 3:19 pm

      Thank you Laksh.

      Like

       
  4. Robin

    May 24, 2022 at 12:54 pm

    Laksh- Thank you for sharing! I am also a pro-choice adoptee. I was a newborn adoptee in 1958. Always knew I was adopted. Loved. Special to my parents. Definitely a people pleaser, so I never considered hurting my parents with a search for my biological parents when they were alive. After my older daughter was born. I have two biological daughters. My people pleaser thoughts creeped in for my biological mother. How did she deal with leaving me in the hospital to be picked up by strangers? How did she deal with the loss? Then I thought of that little nugget of a newborn left alone in the hospital nursery. Not ooohed and aahhed over by family at the window, no newborn pictures, not held by a mom or day. At 64 years old, I admit that I can still feel emotionally over the loss for baby me. I know fellow adoptees would understand.

    Liked by 2 people

     

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