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Comments from Adoption and breastfeeding – touchy subject post. Part 2.

15 Jan

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Comment From “A Friend” last fall when a group found this post, I’ve broken it into 3 parts for ease of answering. The full comment below because it’s all over the place:

From A Friend “It’s interesting that you say, “ What it comes down to for me: you are trying to take away, erase and pretend you are the biological mother.” Because I don’t know any moms who adopt that are carrying this intention when they adopt. I’m sure there are those out there, but it sounds as if you are generalizing all adoptive moms’ intentions and that isn’t fair to all the moms who are just trying to be a loving parent to the child. Not to mention you say that biology doesn’t allow for adoptive breastfeeding. If that were true then it would be biologically impossible for an adoptive mother to breastfeed in the first place, but that’s the amazing thing about the human body, it absolutely can lactate without ever am having been pregnant, and many cultures in the world have grandmothers, aunties, sisters, and adoptive moms who do this, not just for the reasons you point out for wet nurses, but because it’s considered normal in their cultures and it’s simply another way to provide for the child, and not at all an attempt to cross any kind of boundaries or “usurp” the biological mom. We should never assume what others are trying to do in their relationships with their babies. Often our assumptions are wrong or misguided by our own narrow perspectives and experiences.

*****

From A Friend: “It’s interesting that you say, “What it comes down to for me: you are trying to take away, erase and pretend you are the biological mother.” Because I don’t know any moms who adopt that are carrying this intention when they adopt. I’m sure there are those out there, but it sounds as if you are generalizing all adoptive moms’ intentions and that isn’t fair to all the moms who are just trying to be a loving parent to the child.”

From Me: The “What it comes down to for me” tells the reader that I’m talking about what it feels like, to me. Interesting though that you completely ignored the second and third sentences in the paragraph that answers the first sentence: “What it comes down to for me: you are trying to take away, erase and pretend you are the biological mother. You aren’t the biological mother, you never will be. What you will be is the mom and that should be more than enough.

Also From Me: The whole premise of adoption is for the Adoptive Parents to take the place of the natural parents, the ‘as if born to’ that changes our birth certificates and lists our adoptive parents where our natural parents are listed on the original. Also, if the intention is not to replace the natural parents then why do Adoptive Parents today wear the title Mom and Dad vs just their names, or Aunt/Uncle. They use Mom and Dad because the intent of adoption is to be THE parents.

From “A Friend:Not to mention you say that biology doesn’t allow for adoptive breastfeeding. If that were true then it would be biologically impossible for an adoptive mother to breastfeed in the first place, but that’s the amazing thing about the human body, it absolutely can lactate without ever am having been pregnant, and many cultures in the world have grandmothers, aunties, sisters, and adoptive moms who do this, not just for the reasons you point out for wet nurses, but because it’s considered normal in their cultures and it’s simply another way to provide for the child, and not at all an attempt to cross any kind of boundaries or “usurp” the biological mom.”

Me: “Not to mention you say that biology doesn’t allow for adoptive breastfeeding.” No, I never said that, perhaps you need to work on your reading comprehension and stop cherry-picking bits from the whole. Maybe you were referring to this paragraph? “You may also be ready to post that there’s always been wet-nurses; yes, there have been and they saved a lot of lives. But adoption is different; different dynamics are at play that adds a whole other layer to the topic that isn’t there when a mother is sick, can’t produce enough (or any) for her babe and another steps in. Adoption is a deliberate action of severing the mother and child unit, permanently; and the deliberate insertion of (usually) another mother to raise that child. An adoptee can see breastfeeding (or attempting to) as crossing boundaries between our two mother’s and their unique roles in our life. One mother brought us into this world and all things biological remain with her, our other mother is our social mother and raises us, teaches us, loves, cares for and guides us throughout life – the two have completely different roles.

What is singularly upsetting is the sheer lack of acknowledgement by either of the adoptive parents who seemed completely obvious to the sheer volume of adoptees who feel similar in this respect who commented on the original post. Especially the adoptee who is a new mother and couldn’t find a safe breastfeeding group where she was comfortable because of all the AP’s taking over every group where she lived. What should have been a haven for her wasn’t. Neither the AP who dropped the above comment or Hal looked at it from the viewpoint of how impacted adoptees trying to find breastfeeding support were. But then, we are just the products, and in just about anything in adoption it shows.

From “A Friend: “We should never assume what others are trying to do in their relationships with their babies. Often our assumptions are wrong or misguided by our own narrow perspectives and experiences.”

Those babies grow up and turn into Adult Adoptees, speaking of which, as I write this there are now grown adopted babies (Adult Adoptees) reacting to an adoption agency tweet on adoptive breastfeeding. Their visceral response mirrors the response by adoptees on the original post I wrote. I’m not a lone adoptee who feels this way, that visceral response has happened to Adoptees over and over for this subject. And yes, I’m sure not all Adoptees feel like I do, but I’d posit the majority do, and seeing as you are raising an Adoptee, maybe widen your narrow mindset of me, me, me, to include the child you adopted.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on January 15, 2022 in Adoption

 

Tags: , , ,

5 responses to “Comments from Adoption and breastfeeding – touchy subject post. Part 2.

  1. beth62

    January 17, 2022 at 2:20 pm

    It must be a blow to hear that your child, as an adult, may not think of you as their biological mother as much as you may think of them, or the bond or attachment you share, as biological, or even as-if biological.

    One Mom told me she felt that breastfeeding her adopted kids created a biological bond between them. She was very upset that I couldn’t agree with her 😦

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      January 17, 2022 at 5:49 pm

      Maybe that’s what other’s think as well? The whole thing boggles my mind.

      Like

       
  2. beth62

    January 18, 2022 at 9:06 am

    Boggles me too. You know, I never would have said a word to her, but she asked what we thought about it, as Adoptees. I told her as kindly as possible what I thought and know about it.
    My friend (who breastfed 3 children born to her) and I (just one) were waiting to get our annual mammography, there were several women in there talking about breasts and their limited usefulness, for some reason 😉
    She was almost bragging about it at first, told us all about it, then asked if we were breast fed by our adoptive moms. And asked twice, even tho our mouths were hung open, the second time asking if we were lucky enough to have experienced it ourselves.

    My friend just stood up, speechless, and left the room without a word. I think I’ll do the same if that question ever comes up again…

    I wanted to say, “Sure, I remember every second of it”, but instead I explain “what’s up with her?” as best I could.
    It all made me feel like I was officially the fantasy dream murderer. It was like I’d told a child Santa and the Bunny aren’t real. Geez, she was so upset at the usurping idea, I even said, “maybe your kid won’t feel that way…” trying to help her feel better. And damn near bit my tongue off to not finish that with, …even tho it happens to be extremely NORMAL and COMMON for an ADOPTEE to FEEL THAT WAY about it!

    I’ve never been so happy to see and hear the boob squishing tech call my name.
    I did wish I could hear if the other women in the waiting room began to talk after I left tho, it got pretty quiet in there when she and I were discussing. Probably best that I don’t know, I might still be in there talking to the non-adopted about their opinions. Ya never know tho, could have been a room full of silent adoptees. Adopted or not, a couple had that mortified look on their face.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      January 18, 2022 at 2:20 pm

      Oh Beth – the in person would tip me over for sure. I still struggle to answer random non-adoption questions in the public. You did good.

      Like

       
  3. Heather

    January 18, 2022 at 9:51 am

    When I read this part ” … and that isn’t fair to all the moms who are just trying to be a loving parent to the child.” … all I saw was how scared the poster is of you and the truth you are sharing.

    How would your words make her any less of a loving parent?

    I am so sad that life isn’t fair for her … not!

    Liked by 1 person

     

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