Twitter thread upset me yesterday.

08 Dec

As soon as an adoptee dares to disagree with the savior narrative woven into adoption, and specifically transracial adoption, the adoptees assumed lack of gratefulness becomes a target used, because, you know, we weren’t wanted and were saved and all. And sooner rather than later the old trope would you rather have been aborted bubbles up to the surface as well.

Every. Single. Time.

And it is adoptees who bear the brunt of the uglier pro-life messaging because they believe we would have been aborted because we weren’t wanted, or so they say, and yes, they say it to our face. And yes, some of us weren’t wanted, some of us were, some of us were wanted and unwanted at the same time with bad timing to blame or other common challenges.

That’s life playing out in real time, decisions made in real time, also decisions made for some mothers who had their choice taken away by societal mores, and mothers today have their choice taken away too.

And yet, it’s the non-adopted who think they have the right to dictate to adoptees how they should feel on the subject of being adopted. Yesterday, it was a man called Dinesh, or something like that, whoever he is, he was on a quest to shame an adoptee who authored a book on her experience being a transracial adoptee, a Black adoptee growing up in a white family.

But if this Dinesh fellow thinks yipping at adoptees about how they need to be grateful because they were adopted will silence adoptees, he has no idea. Really, he has no idea just how strong adoptees are, how many ugly comments we’ve received, how many names we’ve been called, it’s old hat to some of us, shouldn’t be when we simply voice our truths, but it is what it is.

But I do worry about adoptees who face it for the first time, and I hope the Adoptee in this story is okay.

But it was more than that for this transracial adoptee yesterday, so much more, below is the Dinesh guys tweet to the adoptee and I’m not going to include the adoptees name because she didn’t deserve what happened, she did nothing wrong, except she wrote a book about her experience – the horrors.

Dinesh tweeted: “If it’s “enduring trauma” for you to be adopted by a white family, you might consider that 1. The black patents that gave birth to you didn’t want you 2. There were evidently no black couples that chose to adopt you. Aren’t you grateful someone did?”

This ignorant attempt at schooling an adoptee has to stop, good grief, we didn’t just appear out from under a turnip leaf. And the Adoptee did nothing other than do a thread about the book she wrote. And it’s doubtful it’s the first time she’s been asked if she’s grateful someone adopted her, seeing as I’ve never met an adoptee who hasn’t been asked that once, if not dozens of times.

This Dinesh fellow also seems to have a merry band of followers, who then felt empowered to respond as well, most were just sheer ugliness, including bringing the you could have been aborted into the melee, tweet after tweet of ugly.

Just watching it happen left me deeply upset and I was just an observer, I feel so bad for the Adoptee in the middle of what seemed like a bunch of angry people verbally attacking her. I’ve copied two tweets to give you an idea and there were dozens along the same line, although there were some supportive tweets as well.

@Justinredalen tweeted: “Would you prefer you’d not have been adopted? Because abortion has been a hot topic latterly and I can think of far worse things than being raised by loving white people……namely, never existing because your mother had you aborted.

Yeah, cuz no adoptee has ever had the ‘you could have been aborted’ thrown at them, so un-original.

And of course, one of this Dinesh guy merry followers is an Adoptive Parent @MMayhem2020 who said this: “It’s quite disgusting that you feel the way you do. I am an adoptive mom and it’s not an easy path to take in another woman’s child. The sacrifice required clearly is lost on you. I truly feel sorry for your adoptive parents who put their needs aside to take you in when” 1/2 “Your birth parents abandoned you. What a way to repay their selflessness than to disparage them because of their skin color. Clearly they didn’t see your skin color but you are using theirs as a weapon. What to talk about racism, look no further than your mirror.”

And a pause to note that reverse racism isn’t a thing, it really isn’t. The truth behind ‘reverse racism’, it’s not racism.

And I need to also make it clear that there is no chance that anyone had actually read her book, but because she’s adopted she’s obviously fair game to attack. Just think of all the tools you can use, you could have been aborted, you’re ungrateful, how dare you utter a word about those saintly white people who took you in, you could have been raised in an orphanage, (despite no orphanages existing in the US), but hey, facts don’t matter when you have an “ungrateful adoptee” to attack.

Ain’t being adopted grand, so glad adoption is so different now.


Posted by on December 8, 2021 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , ,

14 responses to “Twitter thread upset me yesterday.

  1. Dannie

    December 8, 2021 at 8:58 pm

    I haven’t read this persons book, so I don’t even know her story, but it is possible to endure trauma and internal conflict due to being raised in a white family even if you love your folks. 😬😬🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. Exposure to diversity in school and community help over a white suburb neighborhood and school, but it is still a fact of life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 8, 2021 at 9:03 pm

      Exactly Dannie. But simpletons can’t grasp that. I upset me so much, it’s one thing the piling on that happens in an adoption group, whole other thing to have literally strangers on the internet on twitter dog-piling. She’s stronger than I am, I would have deleted and left, she has grit and so much strength.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. DIANE Cobb-Cichowski

    December 8, 2021 at 9:35 pm

    I have been reading your posts ( sorry if that’s not the right word) for several years because a lot of it applies to me and my two half sisters, and other half unmet siblings, which is a long sorted story that nobody would be interested in. I have learned so much by sitting back and “observing “. I haven’t always agreed with everything that I have read but that is not important. What is important is that I keep on listening and learning.

    Reading this truly upsets me. To the woman who said “it is not an easy path to take in another woman’s child” really, really has made my heart skip and my blood pressure rise. I can not imagine such an ugliness. There are times all children rock our path a little but that’s just because all relationships have their ups and downs but the love for your child born to your body or born to your our heart is sacred. This is an innocent child, good Lord, thank goodness for every one of them . They all deserve so much more than that kind of attitude. All children are entitled to their thoughts, emotions, feelings without be ashamed or afraid to voice themselves and their truth.
    I have known many adoptive children and adoptive parents . I have Never met an adoptive mother say anything so remotely cold. (Understatement)! I have only known and witnessed profound thankfulness.
    I have also met cousins late in life that never got out of the orphanage until they aged out.
    I know this is complex with no blanket answers where one size fits all but the adoptive mother in question should have been better vetted! I am sorry that the woman who wrote her book had to contend with such callousness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 8, 2021 at 9:48 pm

      Thank you Diane for saying that, I was truly appalled.

      And – thank you for reading, and no, I don’t expect everyone to agree with everything I say. Do comment again, it’s the community chatting that makes this blog so much better. Cheers

      Liked by 2 people

  3. swiftabc

    December 9, 2021 at 12:02 am

    It makes me feel nauseous to read these , ignorant, self-serving, insensitive comments addressed to an adoptee

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      December 9, 2021 at 2:08 am

      I was really upset, I don’t know the adoptee, but how cruel can people be. Thanks for commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. maryleesdream

    December 9, 2021 at 2:39 am

    I’ve heard many of the same things. For some reason, people want their orphans humble and grateful. Nothing else will do. Someone on Facebook once told me if I was so unhappy, I didn’t have to live anymore. I told her I kept waking up every morning, so I really didn’t have a choice. Can you imagine telling someone that? Because they are adopted, and feel hurt because of it?

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      December 9, 2021 at 3:12 am

      No, I can’t imagine ever giving voice to that, it’s cruel and also dangerous. People really suck sometimes, I’m sorry you had to experience that Marylee.

      Liked by 2 people

    • legitimatebastard

      December 9, 2021 at 6:06 pm

      Not only have I been on the verge of suicide peridoically over the years because of taunts like this, I also was a suicide prevention counselor.

      Next time someone says something like this to you – that you didn’t have to live anymore – tell them that comments such as this have driven many desperate people to kill themselves. This doesn’t just apply to adoptees. Young children hear these nasty comments and then go out to do the deed, or kill others. One boy was the 11 year old son of someone I knew. The boy was taunted in school and hung himself in his bedroom closet with a belt around his neck.

      No, I won’t appologize for being so graphic. It is my hope that peeople who read your blog will take the warning to heart.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. legitimatebastard

    December 9, 2021 at 6:32 pm

    I’ve been thinking about this post…

    These comments and trauntings hurled at adopted people are so cruel. I’m not sure where this comes from. Is it social conditioning? Movies? Fear of us? The need to feel superior?

    I was writing something the other day on this very topic because these hurtful remarks have been directed to me, too, over the years from strangers and both of my families.

    One of the worst was my own godfather. He didn’t like my natural father for giving me up for adoption after my mother died of cancer, so my godfather rubbed it my face: “Your father didn’t want you!”

    Really? My father begged for my forgiveness numerous times after we met and had an on-again-off-again relationship for 40 years. He said that no one told him how to keep me. He said that the priest told him “the baby needs two parents.” There were no supports for a father to keep his newborn in 1956, no child care respite, no child care for infants at all, no food donations, diapers, baby clothes, no offerings from church members to help in any way. The only solution my father saw was to give me up to two people who wanted a child to adopt as they were childless for 18 years. Someone came up to him at my mother’s funeral and gave my father a slip of paper with the names and phone number of that couple – who just happened to be her brother and his wife.

    My father didn’t want me? Really? My godfather was angry at my father for giving away his sister’s infant, so my own godfather took it out on me in bashing my father to my face. And making me feel as though I wasn’t wanted. My father DID want to keep me but had no child care during the day for me while he went to work. He was in an impossible situation and saw no way to keep me.

    And I just LOVE the abortion comments! When people hear that my mother died and my father gave me up for adoption, people assume that my dying mother chose life for me. “She could have had an abortion to save her life, but she chose to give you life instead.”

    Umm, no. My mother’s cancer was discovered when she was 6 and a half months along in her pregnancy. I was born two weeks later at 32 weeks gestation. No abortion would have saved her life as the cancer spread long before it was even detected.

    And yet, these nut cases who blab on and on about the sanctiity of life will tell me for certain that they know my mother chose life for me and that she chose to die to save me. This attitiude is shocking.

    My comeback to them is: “So, you were there in 1956 in the hosptial with my mother when the x-ray showed the cancerous tumor almost the size of the baby inside her? You knew my mother, did you? Go ahead, tell me all about my mother!”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Lara/Trace

    December 9, 2021 at 11:07 pm

    Now I am upset. But not surprised.



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