Those Pesky “Bad Experience” Adoptees

20 Nov

Yesterday, I was reading an interesting post on FB about listening to Adoptees written by an Adoptive Mother. I was happy to see it, most comments were supportive and in agreement, but you know by now, there’s always at least one Adoptive Parent who just needs to divide Adoptees into two camps.

“Just be careful about who you’re listening to and pay attention to their perspective. I had an adoptee call me all kinds of horrible names, including “baby buyer.” It really hurt. But I didn’t know this woman and she sure as heck doesn’t know me. I dug a little deeper and found out Her story is tragic with abuse. From her perspective ALL adoptions are bad and unnecessary. She’s making it her life’s work to make adoptions illegal. My children’s stories are different. They have love and care. In my experience, the adoptees that had bad experiences that are usually the loudest.”

And I’m sure you said nothing to warrant that response by the Adoptee, and honestly, no matter how much you want to believe it isn’t so, the private infant adoption market isn’t always on stable ground regarding ethics, nor are Hopeful Adoptive Parents always acting from high moral standards, so ethical fails in the choices they make, can, and do happen, and it’s the one Adopted and the now Birth Mother who pays the ultimate price. Speaking of ethical fails, what’s up with when an Expectant Mother chooses to parent instead of place and CPS is called, or the Hopeful Adoptive Parent or Agency calls the hospital to make sure their wishes are listed. And yes, both happen, they shouldn’t, but apparently people have forgotten that a match doesn’t guarantee a placement happens.

But enough of that nonsense; what I wanted to talk about is the dividing Adoptees into two camps and labelling them as such: “The Good Adoptees” and “The Bad Adoptees”; also referred to as “The Happy Adoptees” and the “The Angry Adoptees”. Something people in adoption need to stop doing because they should never have labelled an Adoptee in the first place; here’s why, I’ve had each of those labels applied to me, yep, it’s true, I have also had Adoptive Parents wish me peace and other assorted terms. I’m fine with it, but I’m old and grumpy and don’t really give a damn what someone thinks of me after maybe an initial twinge; but there are Adoptees out there who aren’t where I am, who have also had terrible things done to them by their Adoptive Parents who promised to love and care for them, some never lived to tell their stories, some who lived but were scarred for life. If Adoption means so much to you that you can’t listen to those who were abused tell their stories without labelling them as Angry or Anti-Adoption, then do you really belong in Adoption? And, you certainly have no moral high ground because you’re an Adoptive Parent to label them and recommend others be careful and listen to their perspective first before hearing them. All so they can label the Adoptee as worthy or unworthy of being heard, whether they are able to tell their stories, stories people in Adoption can learn from, gain empathy from, work towards better safe guards in Adoption.

Stop dividing Adoptees into two camps, those who can be heard by Saintly Adoptive Parents, and those who need to be silenced.

And if you don’t believe an Adoptive Parent or Agency would ever do wrong, you haven’t been paying attention. You might want to remove those rose colored glasses and delve into the horrors of adoption history. Then, pop over and see the work of Adoptive Parents who have spent years documenting current wrong doings connected to Adoption and Foster Care today. And then, do better.


Posted by on November 20, 2021 in Uncategorized


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4 responses to “Those Pesky “Bad Experience” Adoptees

  1. Heather

    November 21, 2021 at 12:48 pm

    Grrr … that’s so dismissive and demeaning. The institution of adoption doesn’t need defending. We need to listen to the ones living adoption (who are the ones most affected) and not the ones who want a baby at any cost.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. beth62

    November 22, 2021 at 2:22 pm

    I’m proud to be Pesky. I seriously wish it was my middle name. Pesky has gotten me very far in life. I view Pesky as a very positive word, and a fine compliment. I’ve grown great patience for the pesky. I’m going to name the next thing I get the opportunity to name – Pesky.
    Pesky people make other things happen. I’m excited for this weekend, I will be surrounded by dozens of the most pesky people on the planet! All of my very favorite pesky ones, I can’t wait!


    • TAO

      November 22, 2021 at 4:16 pm

      You always make me smile, also, very fond of the word Pesky.


  3. CarlyQ

    December 1, 2021 at 7:00 pm

    People sort to make themselves comfortable. That’s what I think. We got in lots of trouble, growing up, if we said anything that could be heard as criticism of adoption. Our parents thought it was the single greatest thing in life. Perhaps in the dark of night they laid in their bed and considered their choices but if they did, the light of day never saw it. It was so ingrained in us that we never spoke about our dissatisfaction until after both parents passed on. Clearly, we were uncomfortable with it too. Things I think about nowadays.



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