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Links to posts on late discovery…

20 Oct

From 2015

Not that I can ever imagine what a Late Discovery Adoptee (LDA) goes through, I’m sure it would break my heart and take a long time to come to any level of peace.  I’m also sure there are many future LDA’s that will find out when their parents pass away and they deal with the estate paperwork, or decide one day to innocently take a DNA test that has become such a popular tool. Why did any parent think it was proper to lie to their child, especially, when others around them know the truth. Today there are parents of adopted children who don’t want to, or intend to tell, still. To me it’s selfishness of the worst kind, setting your child up for a heart-breaking discovery down the road, all to make you feel ‘real’ and keep your secrets. I have a hard time understanding anyone who willingly chooses not to tell – how can you parent your child with such a huge lie between you?

The adoptee in this story may have not been told the truth when she was, but for casually mentioning at a family dinner that she was considering dna testing. Now she is dealing with the fall-out that she has been lied to by her parents her entire life. How can anyone process that type of revelation? How can anyone do that to their child?  Closed Adoption Secret Unveiled

There are others who weren’t told, enough of them to have coined the term that concisely explains what happened to them, Late Discovery Adoptee. Another LDA commented on the post above and part of her comment resonated with me:

“The essence of keeping the secret tells us that it’s bad we were adopted. That coupled with the most important people lying to us for a very long time about our birth and beginning.”

Switching gears to donor conception and people not telling.

It’s easier to pretend, until it isn’t, then it’s hard, harder than having your child always just know who they are. Lessons for non-tellers from late tellers I don’t know if those who found out later have coined a term that makes it readily understood that they were lied to their entire lives, until the secret came out. Still shaking my head that the powers that be assumed that adoption had no lessons to teach them, arrogance is what that was, and still is, today…

From the donor conception post above a snippet of what Olivia wrote:

“Most of us dislike lying, particularly to those we are close to. We teach our children to tell the truth yet at the heart of non-telling families is an untruth that is about as big as it could be. The people who should be setting a child’s moral compass are deliberately misleading them about a genetic dis-connect in the family.”

I agree with the statement above, parents living in denial need to wake up to what they are doing both to their kids, and their relationship. Telling won’t make your child – less your child, or you less their parent, it will make your relationship better because that you won’t be waiting for your lie to be exposed. At the end of the day, the comment by the LDA that lying tells them that it’s bad to be adopted, also applies to donor conception – lying says being donor conceived is bad…think about that before you begin a lie you will have between you, truth is always better.

PS…not to mention the risk you put on that child who assumes their parents family health history is their history, environment is not strong enough to overcome genes that predispose you to hereditary diseases, it just isn’t.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on October 20, 2021 in Uncategorized

 

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10 responses to “Links to posts on late discovery…

  1. legitimatebastard

    October 21, 2021 at 12:37 am

    You would think I would be “over it” by now, but I’m not. I guess you could say I am Late Adoptee Lite, if there is such a thing.

    You’ve read most of my trauma on here, told over a few years, commenting on many of your posts.

    What you don’t know is some of the most hurtful parts I’ve kept locked inside.

    You know that I was found in 1974 at my age of 18 by siblings I was never supposed to know.

    I might have said that I knew I was adopted, but was not allowed to talk about it, not allowed to ask questions. So I lived life as the only child of my adoptive parents.

    So, if I knew I was adopted, why did it come as a big shock to me when a woman I didn’t know called me on the phone and told me she was my sister? She told me my name at birth. She told me my parents’ names – our parents’ names. She told me I was the baby of five children, that our mother died when I was three months old, and that our father gave me up.

    It doesn’t matter that I knew I was adopted. What matters is that my adoptive parents knew everything about me for the duration of my childhood, but did not tell me. They withheld the truth from me to keep me as ther very own child. They were selfish, afraid that if I knew the truth I wouldn’t be theirs any longer.

    The sickening feeling in my gut when I heard the woman on the phone say, “I am your sister” was the worst feeling of my life – then at age 18 and now at my age of 65. The most trusted people in the world to me had lied to me for my short lifetime. Those 18 years of my childhood held precious memories, cherrished times together, and yet, they were now blackened with lies, deception, mistrust, betrayal.

    It hurts to know I wasn’t good enough to be told the truth. I wasn’t loved enough to be told the truth. They didn’t trust me with my own life’s truths. That’s what hurts the most.

    My adoptive father died 6 years later. He and I didn’t get the chance to fully comprehend the ramifications of my adoption, the lies, everything. But he did one thing that my adoptive mother didn’t do. He cried. Through his tears he said, “I’m glad the secret is out.”

    It took my adoptive mother 40-plus years to come to her senses. She fought with, screamed and yelled, humilated me, emotionally tortured me… and for what? Because she never wanted me to know the truth of my own life?

    A few years before she died in 2011, it was around 2005 through 2009, just before she fell in 2009 and couldn’t live at home any longer, that she finally understood. My activism is about the lies in adoption, all of it. The personal lies, the official lies on birth certificates. Just f… tell the f… truth!

    When she realized that the truth was what I needed, Mom calmed down. She realized that I still loved her, that having a mother who gave birth to me, and a father who sired me, and having siblings, didn’t take away those 18 years of growing up an innocent child, loving, caring, needing the parents who raised me.

    I lost friends because I stand for truth. A lifelong friend’s daughter, a lesbian, married, and had a son by an anonymous sperm donor. Their entire family hated me and what I stood for: truth. So, I got ghosted.

    But that’s not all. I ran into my friend’s (ex-friend) elderly mother about three years ago. She yelled at me in public, loudly telling me that I should be ashamed of myself for changing my name back to my name of birth. “For all they did for you! Your adoptive parents! How dare you disrespect them by not keeping the name they gave you!”

    I stood there, in total shock that this old lady, someone I knew since I was 17, would chastize me in this way. My heart broke.

    Get this straight, everyone: My parents named me. I was baptized at my dying mother’s bedside. I was named after her brother and his wife. And my adoptive parents disrespected ME and MY PARENTS by changing my name to what they wanted!

    Adoption, and sperm donation, egg donation, and surrogate mothers are all about getting the baby!

    It is a very selfish act!

    I curse adoption. It’s the worst thing that ever happened to me.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • maryleesdream

      October 21, 2021 at 1:18 am

      I’m not LDA, but I feel the same about adoption.

      Liked by 2 people

       
    • cindy621

      October 21, 2021 at 1:33 pm

      How devastating your story is. I’m so glad you are a strong voice for other adoptees!

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • legitimatebastard

        October 21, 2021 at 4:09 pm

        Thank you.

        My baseline mental state is suicide ideation. Living with this trauma is a moment by moment decision to stay alive.

        It’s bad enough my mother died when I was 3 months old. That’s too much tragedy for anyone. Mom left behind 4 older children. This was 1956. No help to help those kids cope. No help to help my father cope. Just shut up and go on with life.

        I lived in an incubator for 6 six weeks as I was born two months premature.

        Then with my godparents. Then with my adoptive parents.

        And society expects me to be grateful.

        I’m not grateful.

        I don’t blame my father for being backed into a corner. He had no help. And he didn’t want to give me up. He told me so later on.

        Adoption took me away from my father and my siblings and my grandparents and my aunts, uncles and cousins.

        Sure, I was a happy child, if you discount the way I was told I was aadopted. Harsh, with no compassion. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions. From then on, I knew my purpose was to be their child. It was survival.

        So, how does a child move through loving adoptive parents who don’t want you to know about yourself?

        And then the reunion and the mess it created for everyone. And I am to blame.

        I will stay alive long enough to finish writing three more books I’ve been working on for several years. All educational on the life-long impacts of adoption. Maybe I can fiind some happiness along the way.

        My message to adoptive parents: Please, please, consider the fragile feelings of the children you adopt. They come from other parents. Please understand they deserve your kindness, unconditional love, and age-appropriate explainations and information on the circumstances of their births, their families of origin, because this is their life. Their life is not for you to control.

        Liked by 1 person

         
  2. cindy621

    October 21, 2021 at 1:13 pm

    Wow! Very interesting article. Now that DNA testing is so easily accessible and affordable to everyone, closed doors can now be opened. You made me realize that if an adoptee hasn’t been told his or her story then this could be a real shock. Thank you for posting this and opening my eyes to other aspects of adoption. I was born in 1961 and have known I was adopted for as long as I can remember. That still doesn’t make life any easier, but I can only imagine finding out I was adopted via a DNA test later in life after my adopted parents and biological parents have passed. Everything you thought you knew about yourself would crumble at your feet.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • legitimatebastard

      October 21, 2021 at 1:36 pm

      “Everything you thought you knew about yourself would crumble at your feet.”

      Yes.

      Sadly, I know several adopted people who are suffering right now because of the suddne shock. I knew many more in the past 47 years who found out when they were in their 50s and 60s and have since died.

      The personal agony this creates is completely unavoidable. It’s all in the hands of adoptive parents to tell the truth. But many play God. They are not the adopted person’s only parents. They want to be and their control over personal information that belongs to the adoptee is abuse.

      There are, however, adoptive parents who are comfortable in their own skin, confident in their parenting of a child born to other parents. Confidence doesn’t mean narccistic. It means an adoptive parent accepts their role and that they have responsibility to be be honest about what they know of the adoptee’s background. These adoptive parents aren’t jealous or insecure or afraid of the phantom natural parents.

      Liked by 2 people

       
  3. andestanley

    October 22, 2021 at 4:53 pm

    I am LDA. I think we have endured a form of abuse that is not recognized by our society. I hear people talking about the importance of transparency and think about how we have laws that legitimize the erasure of people’s identities and that bar people from their own unfalsified documents. It’s a human rights violation that we are expected to be grateful for.

    Liked by 4 people

     
    • legitimatebastard

      October 23, 2021 at 12:47 am

      Ever so right!

      Teh work us odler adoptees and mothers have done has paved way for the younger adoptees. They are more educated at a yougner age than we were.

      I’m taking part in a virtural adoptees conference right now. Discussing Critical Adoption Studies. Professionals in a variety of fields, and not just social work, psychiatry that we’ve been used to. Anthropology, law, neurology, genetics, culture, race, gender, gay and lesbian and transgender, ART – Artificial Reproductive Techknowlogies.

      8th Biennial Conference on Adoption and Culture. Convened by The Alliance for the Study of Adoption and Culture – ASAC.

      Presenters are addressing the abuse in secrecy laws and comparing The Hauge Conference and perspective for adopters with The United Nations Conference on the Rights of the Child. …They are discussing so much more. The young people are taking off where us older adoptees and mothers of adoption loss began in the 1950s, and then in the 1970s. It’s been a hard battle to be heard by the rest of society.

      I’m excited that these younger adoptees are so much more prepared than we were. And they are taking this to task!

      Here is info for next year’s virtual conference:

      https://adoptioninitiative.dryfta.com/index.php

      Welcome to the 10th Biennial Adoption Initiative Conference!
      The Adoption Initiative

      St. John’s University in Collaboration with Montclair State University

      The Evolution of Adoption Practice: Activist and Community Perspectives

      We are happy to announce the dates for our upcoming VIRTUAL CONFERENCE

      Friday, March 25 and Saturday, March 26, 2022

      Publications: See:

      https://ohiostatepress.org/AdoptionCulture.html

      https://www.asacpublications.org/adoption-culture

      https://www.asacpublications.org/

      Like

       
      • TAO

        October 23, 2021 at 2:15 pm

        No idea why you went to moderation.

        Liked by 1 person

         
    • TAO

      October 23, 2021 at 2:17 pm

      I’m sorry you are also an LDA – can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like being lied to about adoption.

      Welcome

      Liked by 1 person

       

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