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Lucky

01 Sep

I’m one of the “lucky” adoptees from the era referred to as the Baby Scoop Era (BSE). I’m lucky for all the reasons listed below and more. I also wish I never needed to be “lucky” in the first place.

And my use of the term Lucky is not giving any non-adopted person permission to use it in regards to an adopted person.

I was adopted by good people who did the best they could to parent me well, never failed me, unless you want to judge them on knowledge adoptive parents have today, that they didn’t have on how adoption affects the one adopted over a lifetime. Judging them on current knowledge wouldn’t be fair play in my books, although, it will be fair for the current generation of adoptees growing up now, if their parents chose to parent an adopted child the same as parenting a biological child.

I’m lucky because I have what most adoptees from my era will never have, nor will some adoptees growing up today ever have:

  • I have my adoption court paperwork and original birth certificate.
  • I have a relationship with my aunt that is filled with love, acceptance and an ongoing relationship.
  • I have pictures of my maternal grandparents and other relatives. I’ve even met some of them.
  • I have pictures of both my mother and father.
  • I have a family health history from my maternal side.
  • I have both my family trees giving me an understanding of: who my ancestors were, what they did, where they came from.

I’m especially lucky because I have a picture of my mother and father together, smiling and looking very much in love. I also now know the date that picture was taken, a date that confirms that what looks like a small baby bump in the picture, is me. Whether either knew I existed when the picture was taken is unknown and unknowable.

That picture of my mother and father (and baby bump me) hangs on the wall in my study and I look at it every day. I know just how lucky I am to even have a picture; let alone a picture that tells me they were in a relationship that was working very well, at least it was, until the blood test came back that confirmed I existed.

I’m lucky because of all the above, and yet, I’m still unlucky I needed adoption in the first place. I’m lucky because because I had good parents, and that I have what so many adoptees will never have; knowledge of my story that so many, even if they reunite and/or do dna testing and find matches will not have.

If you think “openness” has made it so adoptees today will have all the knowledge that we older adoptees seek, best guess is some will, but many still won’t because adoption is seldom focused on us, or our well-being throughout our life. We aren’t the paying client, we are the product and many adoptive parents don’t want to focus on the past, they want to focus on their family going forward. And yes, that sounds harsh, but I’d urge you to sit with it and recognize the truth it holds, and will hold, until adoption ceases to be a market for people wanting to adopt babies.

The Children’s Bureaus #331, 1949
 
25 Comments

Posted by on September 1, 2021 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

25 responses to “Lucky

  1. beth62

    September 1, 2021 at 8:16 pm

    I’ll never forget the day it almost came out of my mouth. I just couldn’t believe it almost did. The encounter changed me.
    It was an awkward moment, my friends daughter had gotten a card from her mother, her mom was announcing it’s arrival and waving it around in front of us to show how open she was with everything, like bragging, like proof to me, since I am the great suggester of open, like it was HER straight A report card.

    Her preteen daughter and I wanted to crawl under the table. I fussed at mom, jeez louise, this is a private matter lady. I reminded the daughter how I was adopted too, plus I have a weird mom too, don’t worry about me, no need to be embarrassed, I get it. There was a whole lot more to getting that letter, than the proof that mom is open. It was none of my business, and really other than safety not so much of her business either, unless the daughter wanted to make it so.

    She slid the card across the table at her mom saying, you like it so much you read it. I was talking with the daughter some, trying to defuse the moment, while looking at this lovely envelope with stickers and sparkles, thinking to myself what I would have given to get something like that from my mother as a kid… And of course remembering what a little shit head I was at that age sometimes, too. I almost said it, it was on the tip of my tongue before I bit it off. “Do you know how lucky you are to get such a thing?”

    It’s one thing to refer to yourself, or even your group, as lucky, often a whole different thing to be called lucky by someone else.

    Especially when or while surviving something painful, like having to be Adopted.

    I’ve heard it sooooo many times. “You’re so lucky to be Adopted.”
    And other stuff too like, you’re so lucky it was your left hand and not your right. Your finger and not your whole arm, was only your face, was only 3 days in the ditch, your car and not your house, you’re friend but not you, lucky lucky lucky to escape with so many lives.
    Pfft, Who you tellin’ ?

    I’ve been given the actual title of Queen of the Lucky Bastards. After I said all my FU’s, I took it, along with the tshirt.
    I’m surrounded by my misfits daily, they have tshirts, patches, certificates, signs and tats with Lucky Bastard pasted everywhere. It’s a bit much really, but hey, whatever floats yer boat. Reminds me of Proud to be Adopted.
    I would NEVER call a one of them that, outloud, for surviving a battle, a war, for cheating death and living with it, when so many others didn’t.
    A true Lucky Bastard will likely pop you in the nose for it.
    But, I can’t really talk about that 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

     
  2. legitimatebastard

    September 1, 2021 at 9:36 pm

    I suppose I’m licky, too, if one considers all the unlucky events that took place for me to be licky today.

    I’m lucky to have:

    Several photos of my natural mother and natural father, as kids growing up, as teens, as a dating couple during WWII, as a married couple, as parents of 4 other children before me.

    I’m lucky that my natural father gave my baptismal gown and slip and shoes and hat to my adoptive parents when he gave me to them.

    I’m lucky that my natural father gaev my birth certifcate (now called my Originial Birth Certifficate) too my adoptive parents, along with my baptismal certificate, and hospital birth certifcate, to my adoptive parents when he gave me to them.

    I’m lucky that I was taken care of two very loving adoptive parents who destperately wanted a baby.

    I’m lucky that I was adopted in the same city that I was born in because I didn’t have to travel to meet my blood kin.

    I’m lucky that I was found and reunited with my blood kin because I didn’t have to search for years.

    I’m lucky that my family tree was given to me when I was 18 years old.

    I’m lucky that I was taken to my mother’s grave when I was 18 to finally see it for the first time in my life and to grieve for her death.

    I’m lucky that … I had to wait 18 years to know the truth of my birth and my mother’s death, when my adoptive parents should have had the balls to tell me the truth in loving ways with compassion during my childhood.

    I’m lucky that they “took me in” because my natural father “didn’t want me” — so said some of my adoptive aunts, uncles and cousins.

    I’m lucky that I was an orphan because that means that I wasn’t born a bastard.

    I’m lucky that New York State changed my name of birth and gave me a new birth certificate, just like every bastard child who is re-born though adoption.

    Well, I, too, am called a Lucky Bastard by many people who are so very ignorant abotu adoption.

    I’d give anything to have my mother back from birth, and to have my family back.

    Lucky to suffer the trauma of adoption?

    Liked by 3 people

     
  3. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    September 1, 2021 at 9:54 pm

    People like to put a positive spin on things, rather than acknowledging the pain. “Lucky” is used wayyy too often. I can think of so many pain-filled situations where people often try to cap the conversation with “but you’re lucky that…” As a first mother, I was told by others at a social gathering, “You’re really lucky that […….] married you.” I was too vulnerable at the time to counter that statement, too indoctrinated in those years with the stigma I carried.

    I suppose my son was told he was lucky to have such good adoptive parents, that he was lucky to be adopted.

    Liked by 3 people

     
  4. Paige Adams Strickland

    September 1, 2021 at 10:55 pm

    Yeah…Lucky is, well, forgive the pun…All relative. LOL

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • beth62

      September 2, 2021 at 12:54 am

      LOL good one 🙂
      And, well… I just set this book down, to come look here, stranger things have happened LOL

      It’s All Relative: Adventures Up and Down the World’s Family Tree, by A.J. Jacobs

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. TAO

    September 2, 2021 at 12:28 pm

    I can’t tell if you guys got the points I was trying to make, or not, maybe one or more points below need to be in the post – you tell me:

    1. But for adoption I’d have had all of that, except for the adoption papers.
    2. That I have all of that is amazing in itself, seeing as I’m adopted.
    3. That I wouldn’t have any of what I now have if I hadn’t gotten sick, solely because I’m adopted.
    4. That no adoptee should need to have two back to back health events, either of which could have taken my life, to finally be allowed to know who they are, who they were born to be, and that all adoptees should have always had everything I now have.
    5. That luck shouldn’t be required to have everything I now have, I should have always had it, but I didn’t because I’m adopted.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      September 2, 2021 at 4:08 pm

      Tao, I’m glad you added your most recent post (Sept. 2). Those five points add a needed dimension.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • TAO

        September 2, 2021 at 4:36 pm

        How did this statement not say the same thing?

        “I’m lucky because I have what most adoptees from my era will never have, nor will some adoptees growing up today ever have:”

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

          September 2, 2021 at 5:39 pm

          Maybe I focused on your health issues. (Or maybe my reading comprehension is not good.)

          Like

           
        • beth62

          September 3, 2021 at 6:30 pm

          It does. May be just because the word lucky is involved? It’s a big concept. It takes me in many directions, and of course can be a trigger for everything relative to it. I dunno. I guess it’s one of those words. “Lucky” can make me mad as hell for all kinds of reasons LOL til I get over the lucky hump, or find a different direction.

          I’m lucky that I can say the same thing –
          ““I’m lucky because I have what most adoptees from my era will never have, nor will some adoptees growing up today ever have:”

          What brought me such luck is a little different. Mine was more like… The harder I tried, the harder I became, the luckier I got.
          The more I ignored the rules, saw anyone that had no interest in supporting and/or helping me as not in my best interest to be around, and the more I said FTW I’m doing my own thing, anyway. The more I “broke the rules”, “dug for worms”, “slapped faces”, “became ungrateful”, hardened, disconnected, cheated, lied, bribed, stole… the luckier I got.

          I tried to list all the ways I got lucky enough to be able to say how lucky I am for all that now. It was a very, very long and painful stretch of luck for me. Decades of luck. So I will spare ya the details 🙂 But I find it nearly impossible to not find extreme and rightful rage, while trying to share how miraculously lucky I am today. It was the most painful part of Adoption for me, most often I’d say it was far more painful than loosing everybody. But I’ve carried the pain from both through it all. In the end, I guess I am lucky to be so strong, cause it’s still pretty damn heavy!

          Liked by 3 people

           
          • beth62

            September 3, 2021 at 6:50 pm

            I decided to share my first real strokes of luck, because it may explain what I’m trying to say.
            That, and I pray no one else gets this lucky ever again. Or as lucky as you either, TAO.

            1. I was lucky that when I went to the children’s home society on my 18th birthday, to get identifying information, that the royal ugly B that held that info in her hand laughed in my face, told me I would never get it, called me lucky, ungrateful, stupid little girl, and said to go home to my mommy and daddy, behave and forget about it. (I’d been married and widowed, hadn’t been “home” in over two years)

            2. I was lucky that it caused such a deeper rage inside of me, that I spent the night in jail for trying to choke her nasty hateful ass, and began my rebellious never give up for decades long even if it kills me quest for that information.

            I won 🙂 and it was well worth the fight. I won 🙂

            Liked by 3 people

             
            • TAO

              September 3, 2021 at 7:55 pm

              I think it’s past time we took the term Lucky back – sort of by taking it back – it’ll lose the power that damn term has over adoptees.

              Liked by 1 person

               
              • beth62

                September 3, 2021 at 8:35 pm

                oops, it’s kinda hard to put a reply in the right place when your running like the wind! 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

                 
  6. beth62

    September 3, 2021 at 8:33 pm

    LOL now you’re sounding like my buddies LOL
    We’re gonna need a tshirt LOL
    G’s suggestion, You calling me lucky to know? How fast can you run? LOL

    Lucky to Know 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

     
  7. beth62

    September 8, 2021 at 10:10 pm

    Since this is the lucky page… I got something to say to anyone that can read.

    Tailgating the car in front of you is illegal, regardless of speed.
    It is the cause of the majority of accidents/major traffic jams on high speed roads.

    If you don’t know what tailgating is, or how not to do it, learn, or don’t drive. You are a danger.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tailgating#:~:text=Tailgating%20is%20when%20a%20driver%20drives%20behind%20another,vehicle%20speed%2C%20weather%2C%20visibility%20and%20other%20road%20conditions.

    Tailgating a motorcycle is Assault.
    All that is needed is a video to bring a civil suit against you.
    Since the tailgating trend has increased Greatly, many motorcycles have cameras with a front and rear view. Most will never confront you on the road, motorcycle vs car is a no brainer, to most. Just expect a letter letting you know when your court date is.

    If you tailgate a motorcycle, and hit them, you will be charged with Attempted Murder.

    Please Do Not Tailgate.

    While I’m at it, please quit blowing all the slippery debris on the road when you mow the grass. I understand you want it out of your yard, so it will look nice, but do you really want that bad enough to injure or kill someone for it?

    Good Luck to All 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      September 8, 2021 at 11:27 pm

      Perfect and I hope you didn’t have someone do that, or worse to you or yours.

      Like

       
      • beth62

        September 9, 2021 at 2:28 pm

        You know I am the lucky one 🙂
        First came the negligent tailgater, I was going 47 on a 45 mph curvy mountain road, with lines, on a lovely day no other cars in sight, except hers. After a mile or so as my heart began to pound and adrenaline pump I gave her the back off palm of my hand signal, she didnt. She was less than a car length from my back tire. I put my right turn signal on and planned to turn as soon as I found a driveway or road, to let her pass… instead of defending myself… Which Usually gets them to back the f off, nope. Then came the sea of slippery grass just around the corner and down the hill, I had to hang on and slow down. As I was slipping and sliding and getting all squirrely, she was less than a foot away from me while slamming her brakes on. I watched her skid and hit the ditch and bounce all around in my mirror. I squirreled on along til I regained control. Flipped off the @$!# on the lawnmower as he blew grass on me, and drove directly to my lawyers office and downloaded the video. Well, I was too shakey, so they did it for me while I regained my cool.
        Lawyer says, Cool, two lawsuits I’m sure to win.

        I have both of these offenses happen all the time, both together really is a bit much!! She’s lucky I’m an experienced rider, it could have been even worse for her.
        Please do not tailgate.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          September 9, 2021 at 3:45 pm

          Wow, just wow – will never understand tailgaters, seems the height of lunacy.

          Like

           
          • beth62

            September 9, 2021 at 5:03 pm

            Right? lol
            vehicle + road = serious business! It’s a tool not a toy 🙂

            Like

             
          • beth62

            September 9, 2021 at 5:19 pm

            I looked today, that fellas lovely flat green yard was full of deep ruts from her car, and even more from where the wrecker had to drag it across the ditch to get it on the truck. So I’d say what ever it was they were trying to accomplish, wasn’t so worth the effort for either.
            Luck wins again 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

             
            • TAO

              September 10, 2021 at 2:15 pm

              Just rewards for being an ass.

              We had a series of lawns (house built into a hill) plus grandma’s house and the garden/lawn below – hard property to describe.

              As the youngest, maybe 10, after the older two proved inept (using a polite term) at mowing the lawn on a mid-size tractor – I became the lawn mower. I wasn’t allowed to leave grass on the sidewalk, driveway, the road – you had to mow to keep the cut grass, on the grass.

              Funny story – when I’d get to the boulevard on the road going up a hill – the neighbor across the street would watch me out the window every time – he watched because he was amazed at how well and fast I could do it and mused to mom/dad about it.

              Times have changed as to what littles can do, sure it would be frowned on today.

              Like

               
              • beth62

                October 15, 2021 at 2:29 am

                “Times have changed as to what littles can do, sure it would be frowned on today.”

                Not on my land it hasn’t, elder and child labor is even a requirement here LOL
                It’s that time again 😀 apples apples apples, pumpkins pumpkins pumpkins!

                Like

                 
              • beth62

                October 15, 2021 at 2:54 am

                That is a funny story. I got stuck being the lawn mower too, in the day before leaf blowers were a thing, and mowers had no brakes. No excuses for grass on the hardscapes today! I have new neighborhood kids for that now, they “love” it as much as we did I’m sure.
                You might get a kick out of this – Pops sold the “squirrely girl bike” for $85k within the week, he said due to the video lol said he might send a present to the grass dude.

                Like

                 
                • beth62

                  October 15, 2021 at 3:08 am

                  Oh, I didn’t mention I was test driving it for him, had less than a mile on it when I left the shop. Still feeling that adrenaline!

                  Like

                   

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