Last year and the start of this year has been a journey for me. A time when big emotions from yesteryears rose to the surface time and time again. A time filled to overflowing with so much loss for so many. It’s also a time of so much ugliness and I hope it is never repeated, and that we come out the other side more aware, more kind, and definitely far less racist with a goal to keep being better to each other.
Living during a pandemic, while also still trying to find a level of peace with what is the reality of this adopted life after both my [adoptive] parents have passed on is hard. Something I never thought about before they were gone, but things changed in the family after they’d both passed, some right away, some over time.
After mom passed there was too much to sort out that I didn’t have time to feel, to see, or even begin to understand, but I should have clued into the morning after mom passed. That morning I went on FB to message my cousin the news we all knew was coming, but instead, there she was telling all on FB that mom had passed away, mere hours after mom’s passing in the night. I messaged her to ask her how she knew, her brother-in-law had emailed or called her, forget which, they’d apparently asked mom’s main caregiver to call them, so she did. And there was my cousin announcing on FB mom’s passing as if it was her right to tell everyone, even me, that mom had passed. That was the first of what turned out many clues to come from that side of my family that they didn’t really see me as family.
The above back story is to set the stage of my ramblings; the other night I woke up about 2ish, something I don’t recommend at all if you are wondering. A time of night when it’s too early to get up because you know you’ll be dogged by noon, instead you just lay there awake, thinking, thinking about things you don’t think about normally in your daily life. That night it was about being ghosted by [adoptive] relatives that you’ve known your entire life, two cousins to be specific, one was the cousin I just talked about above. That ghosting by her started soon after mom passed, mom was the glue I guess, although I tend to think it’s not really that so much, as not ever really being seen as their relative, rather, it’s that they really do see me as one of the *borrowed children* as my grandpa referred to us in a letter to his cousin. I’m not saying we had a close relationship when mom was alive, more of a FB one because we live a fair distance away from each other, but we’d chat, catch up, like the other’s posts. We’d also disagree at times, my disagreement was when facts were not in evidence of the topic. Maybe that’s partially why the ghosting happened, maybe it’s the by-product of the trump era, who knows, but now I’ve been ghosted by two members of the same family.
I still have family on the other side, mom’s side to be specific, one aunt, one cousin, but the rest have long since gone their own way after we grew up, mostly due to the distance of living on the other side of the country from each other, because when we do get together – we are family. I’m not one who can easily reach out, I fear rejection most of all. My main two on mom’s side of the family get me, they are the ones who always reach out first because of that, and it has worked for decades because they know I’m happy to see them, hear from them.
So, the other night as I lay there wide-awake I was thinking of my cousin on FB who is ghosting me, he has been for months, and I’m trying to decide if I should just cut the cord, I went to sleep on the notion that I should just unfriend him and get it over with. The next morning I woke up wavering because I value being his cousin, no matter whether we see each other in person, I value the connection and being connected. But I now realize I have to accept that they truly don’t see me as family, just one of the *borrowed children* and I need to take the reins and just do it, need to actually unfriend him and move on from there. But I just can’t click that button, one day I will, but I’m tired of living with loss and unfriending would add another layer. One day I will, hopefully soon, as I think it will give me peace that it’s done, finished, and time to move on.
The flip side of this is that one of my relatives by birth passed away recently, and I was not just notified, but personally told within hours, and I’m also included in the email family chain. Me, who isn’t known by most, but included because I’m family.
Sometimes it’s all just a cluster ________ being adopted…