Hey, that’s how I’ve always felt (updated)

30 Dec

In 2017 this was two back to back posts – I’ve merged them (it’s long, grab a beverage) and updated the link to the Seven Core Issues in Adoption.

Thought for the day:

I can’t tell you how many adoptees start off processing the hard parts of being adopted only once they start talking with and getting to know other adoptees. Then they start talking about feelings, feelings they’ve never been comfortable sharing with others. Then once they hear others that were triggered the same way, same circumstances, the pennies start dropping that their reaction to (perceived rejection, insecurities relationship wise, not feeling good enough, anxiety, aloneness, different) all centered around being adopted, and is all part of the adoptee experience.

That, up until that penny dropped they would have told you they didn’t have anything other than a positive adoption experience, no ill effects. And they did, many, perhaps even most of us also had a positive adoption experience, yet we also had the negative impacts as well, but we didn’t have anyone, or anything, to recognize that while everyone can have any of those feelings or reactions, there is usually some reason people can point to, for it being part of them. We didn’t have a reason for any of those feelings, or even the ability to name them. We were littles when we were adopted, we didn’t understand the side-effects could be those very things we’ve been challenged by, and will continue to be challenged by. Having a reason why you experience somethings makes it easier, not harder, to deal, accept. Understanding is needed to accept and acknowledge the why’s.

Being adopted is for life, the effects are life-long, and with knowledge, comes power and the ability to control, understand, accept, instead of beating yourself up for how you feel when you think you have no reason to feel that way.

But first off for those thinking not everything is related to being adopted, you’re right, it’s not.

But when it is, it is. 

Some things are easy to identify with being adopted, things like being a little and hiding away crying because I wasn’t kept, and that there had to be something terribly wrong with me that others could see, but I couldn’t. Those type of feelings that are specific to being adopted are what people not adopted, seem able to accept.

All of the quotes below come from this article, do read the entire article, not just the quotes: Post-Adoption Services: Acknowledging and Dealing with Loss )

Loss: Sometimes a child’s loss of their birth parents is dismissed, considered unimportant for those adopted as infants soon after birth. But research has shown that babies can recognize their mother’s voice even prior to birth. The experience of this loss of the birth mother cannot be eliminated, no matter how early babies meet or are adopted by their adoptive parents.

Guilt/Shame: It’s common for adopted children to wonder whether their placement or relinquishment was their fault. Even children adopted as infants often wonder if there was something they did “wrong” as a baby that made their parents not want them.

What people can’t seem to grasp are the more subtle connections to being adopted that they dance around, try to explain away, can’t accept it could possibly have a basis in that event that happened when we were mere babies.

But it does, perhaps only in part, but nevertheless it is related to being adopted.

Challenges like anxiety about being left (abandoned), knowing it’s not a matter of if they leave, it’s when. Not having a healthy level of self-worth can hold you back from reaching out to a friend to ask if they want to do something, if you do reach out, you first give them a way out, both because you need to protect yourself from rejection and that little voice asking why would they want to do something with you. The same fear can happen with your partner. Your partner may rarely see your deepest emotions or your vulnerability, and yet, they need to see all of you to love who you are. It’s always a dance on how much to share on those big feelings you’ve always kept deep inside, because if they knew the real you, would they not leave you too?

Rejection: Feelings of rejection can be felt by some adoptees, as they struggle to make sense of their relinquishment. Regardless of whatever logical explanations they have been given, some can still feel abandoned.

Intimacy: Developing emotional intimacy requires trust and an ability to open oneself up and be vulnerable. This can be a challenge for anyone. But for adopted children – who may have felt rejected, possibly multiple times, and who may not see themselves as deserving of love and intimacy – it can feel like too much of a risk. Avoidance of intimacy then becomes a way to provide some self-protection.

That feeds into never allowing others to see you vulnerable. Always being fine. Always ensuring everyone else is actually fine, always the carer, not the cared-for. Never let them see you cry. Never let them know they hurt you, that you hurt. Always present the façade you want them to see, eventually it can also fool your at times, why I think I find it so hard to grieve, I’ve conditioned myself to not allow myself to go there, must stay in control.

Grief: The loss inherent in adoption needs to be recognized and grieved. Parents and others surrounding adopted children often try to downplay the feelings of loss, wanting to spare the child emotional pain. When this is the reaction children receive about their loss and grief, they try to hold it in instead.

As long as I can remember, something new makes me go to the worst case scenario, I need to be the one who controls it. It’s saved me, it’s also held me back when I should have moved forward. This area of who I am was not just shaped from being adopted, it has also been shaped by what has happened throughout my life. This is a part of me I’m trying the hardest to relax into, letting someone else make decisions, take control, with the least amount of success. Being aware helps me recognize whether a fear is valid, or just me not controlling the narrative.

Mastery/Control: We all strive to feel a sense of control over our lives. This is a classic struggle for teens and young adults, who feel a new and strong drive to be in control of their choices and options while still dealing with ambivalence over giving up the safety of childhood. For an adopted person, this struggle takes place against a backdrop of complete lack of control over one of the most important decisions in their life – joining their adoptive family. Power struggles can become a way to feel some sense of control and to achieve mastery over their own choices in life.

I’m not saying all adoptees are challenged in all these areas. They aren’t. We won’t experience things the same way, we will have different reactions, but these are trigger areas we may be vulnerable in, and I suspect personality and other life-events plays a fair role in whether you feel them deeply. But when your parents raising you were always there for you, never let you down, yet those are challenges you’ve always had, have to stem from the first loss that happened, you weren’t kept.

And sometimes it takes knowing why we are the way we are for change to happen. But until we connect the dots based on knowledge of those common issues, understand the first cause, we can’t grow. You can’t fix something until you understand what’s broke, what the problem is. That’s also why it’s problematic when pushback happens in the form of; ‘my adopted sibling doesn’t feel that way, my friend’s cousin loves being adopted’. It’s problematic because one day they may process what being adopted means to them, but they’ll also know how much stake you put on their being adopted never bothered them, so you still won’t know because they can’t trust you with their truth.

Below is what I said elsewhere on the subject that non-adopted people just can’t wrap their mind around about the challenges faced by adoptees and why this post now exists.

You can be fine and then you realize you aren’t. Sometimes we don’t have the words or knowledge needed to connect something about us (any of the seven core defined issues) that links back to being adopted as the cause or the trigger for it to be a challenge in your life. Then something life-changing happens to us, and, like all life-changing things, you go through a period of deep reflection and honest assessments. It’s hard to put into words that makes sense to other people, why this never ending quest to explain just the right way so the penny drops for that person.

I also think we can go through life determined to prove adoption and being adopted is not responsible for anything because we love our family, and they’re our family because of adoption so we must always stand up for it. When the reality is that our family and connectedness will not evaporate if we acknowledge that there are struggles we’ve traced back to being adopted, rather it will be strengthened with openness.

I’m not sure why a man-made institution that was created to care for a child who can’t live with their family due to a tragedy – must only be seen as wholly beautiful without any long-term challenges for the one adopted. I wish people would do some internal work on why they need adoption to erase the tragedy rather than just help mitigate the loss.

Imagine what life would be like if we (adoptees) didn’t grow up with society and family telling us how lucky we were, how grateful we must be to have been saved by adoption, how beautiful and amazing adoption is, and instead, adoptive parents and society accepted “Adoption” for what it is, a fix to a tragic situation. With what society expects and what some parents need from their children, there isn’t much room for what the adoptee needs to feel whole and be the best they can be.


Posted by on December 30, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

8 responses to “Hey, that’s how I’ve always felt (updated)

  1. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    January 1, 2021 at 8:01 am

    I hope many adopted people read this because it offers so much needed validation of what they experience. Plus, non-adopted people need to learn about the effects of adoption. Hopefully, those considering adoption will find this site.

    Too many of us live in denial. Our social structure is set up to promote adoption as “all good.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      January 1, 2021 at 2:44 pm

      Thanks Book – best to you for the coming year.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nara

    January 2, 2021 at 8:24 pm

    I think this is really true. I was one of the “good adoptees” for ages. It took me a long time to acknowledge that it wasn’t all good and also to stop defending my parents all the time. I think a lot of it is cognitive dissonance – it’s really hard to be critical of the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally and it’s really hard to accept that even if they completely love you, that they also did you harm. Also for me – a deep immersion in adoptionland and then avoiding it, finding that balance is an ongoing thing. I don’t want to be immersed in it all the time as I feel like my life would be much more negative. But talking to my adopted sibling over the last year and acknowledging some of those losses and griefs (especially in comparison to our own bio kids now) has been quite healing. Thanks for holding space for adoptees!

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      January 2, 2021 at 8:27 pm

      Thank you Nara. I think we all were at one point or another. I just want adoption done right or not at all and for those who adopt, to get it as much as they can. Best to you and yours.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Carly Quinn

    January 5, 2021 at 5:26 pm

    I learned so much from this post! I grew up with seven adopted siblings, all of us having our own personally different experiences. I could never understand that until I read this article. I actually sent links to all my adopted siblings. So much helpful information. I’ve felt for so long that I’m the only adoptee that hates adoption. I’ve never known many adopted people other than my siblings and not actively searched them out until recently, here. Thank you for speaking up about the tougher parts of adoption and the effect it can have on kids, even babies.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      January 5, 2021 at 6:00 pm

      Thank you Carly, I appreciate that very much.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. marissah

    January 8, 2021 at 6:24 am

    This is true. I was recently told that I’m negative in my perspective even though I try to share my poems that reflect the conflict of emotions and complexity that is my experience as an adoptee. I was sad to still hear that others think I’m “negative” Long sigh. The difference between is now that I know that’s not necessarily my job to convince someone of something. Of someone wants to know my perspective, they’re free to do so but I can’t hold my feelings in any longer.

    Liked by 3 people

    • TAO

      January 9, 2021 at 12:04 am

      Didn’t realize you had two comments – sorry for the delay.

      Liked by 2 people


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