29 Dec

There’s a heaviness to everything right now that weaves itself into every aspect of my life. A heaviness I haven’t felt for years. There are times when I find myself just sitting in my chair and watch my thoughts shuffle through my mind, none sticking, rather, they are gone the instant my mind randomly shuffles to the next thought. All I know is this isn’t my normal, my normal is boringly normal, not heavy, not carrying a level of fear like it is now, I haven’t had this level of fear simmering just below the surface of every waking moment since I had my health events.

Now that same type of fear underlies everything I do, or think.

So I try to distract myself when I get to that place where I recognize it happening; I play with the cat, laugh at the squirrels, songbirds and crows that visit my yard. And it helps, not as much as going out and playing in the garden does, but winter is here and I’m not keen on playing in the rain, but I must start doing something.

And I live a relatively privileged life and I’m struggling, imagine how other’s are faring.

This pandemic has also shown that there are many of us have not evolved enough to care to talk about the hard issues facing societies across the globe, let alone in the community we live in. Instead, we are wrapped up in me, me, me and what I want. Heaven help us, we can’t even collectively agree to wear masks, social distance and practice necessary hygienic protocols to protect each other and stay home. Let alone look at where and who we are letting down in society that desperately needed help before; because that might mean we won’t get what we want when we want it.

And seeing as this is a blog about adoption and being adopted, I have to ask – have we failed to have a Come to Jesus in that area as well. Adoption agencies are still promoting adoption as the best choice ever, talking about the covid-19 protocols they have in place, business as usual albeit some delays. I haven’t seen one adoption agency that has a post on making such a life-changing decision in the midst of a global pandemic may not be in anyone’s best interest. I get that there is a ticking clock on a pregnancy and mother’s choosing adoption because they can’t see any other option, but surely, with the sheer number of churches supporting adoption combined with the agencies that applied for and received government aid – someone could rally the churches to get their members to step into the need and provide a safe place for mother and babe to weather this storm.

Has anyone seen churches step up in this area and seek to help a struggling soon to be mother (or mother) to have a safe place to get through this, if you’ve seen it, drop a link in the comments. Same with any agencies that are cautioning mothers that making life-altering decisions right now might not be a good idea.

Apologies for too many run-on sentences.


Posted by on December 29, 2020 in Adoption


Tags: , , , , , , ,

24 responses to “Heaviness

  1. Dannie

    December 29, 2020 at 4:56 pm

    Specifically stepped up in that area? I have no idea but I have heard that our church members have been more giving during this time and quite a few families have been fed and helped. When my husband lost some hours at the beginning of the pandemic, the church paid a significant bill of ours….significant being more than 1K, so I know help has been going out but I donโ€™t know if itโ€™s specifically deterred an adoption.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      December 29, 2020 at 5:06 pm

      Likely not. I just keep remembering the wisdom to not make rash choices when you feel your back is against the wall. I’ve made them then and have had to live with them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Dannie

        December 29, 2020 at 5:07 pm

        Panic is a very real factor

        Liked by 2 people

  2. legitimatebastard

    December 29, 2020 at 11:20 pm

    I’m so numb about everything these days, feel like you, actually. Can’t hang onto a thought, let alone an action. At least I can cook and keep my living space clean.

    As for adoption, I am fearful that vulnerable mothers will be taken advantage of. That’s the business of adoption agencies and lawyers. They really don’t care what pain they cause. They make money. That’s what they do.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cindy

    December 30, 2020 at 7:11 am

    Check out a December 24th news story; ‘Adoption in mid-Missouri not affected by pandemic’.

    It says a lot about the ‘help’ available for mothers and families who are struggling.

    No English teacher here Tao, no grades either. I think you do just fine. I understand perfectly everything you say(write). Isn’t that what communication is all about?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. beth62

    December 30, 2020 at 3:39 pm

    I hope you can hang on to some hope today my friend, and get a nice water proof insulated suit so you can play outside comfortably, and longer ๐Ÿ™‚
    I gotta say, I’ve never seen so much giving in my entire life. Never, not even close. It’s been all about the mamas and the babies this season. At the churches I know about or zoom with, too. I’ve watched so many small business owners and just, people, individuals, give so much. And not just money, time, space and lots of work too. And brilliant ideas to help many families, families saved from hunger and homelessness, for now. I’m so proud of my children, my family and friends, neighbors and associates. I’m exhausted and can’t quit crying today, I have a leak, a busted pipe. Nothing is numb on me now. Plus we got a mailbox full of heartfelt thankyou’s that are about to do me in. It’s all so heavy, but the extreme giving I’ve seen seems to help balance out the other load, for me, today, a little. I just gotta say today, God Bless a Dolly Parton America.

    Now that that’s said, the agencies… I’m sure they have been concentrating on gearing up the marketing and machine for an increase in production. That’s the biz they are in. And it’s about that time for the first round of product to be delivered. I can only imagine how excited, hopeful and stressed they are.

    It’s not going to happen around me if I can help it, a mother’s panic induced Adoption choice. Or guilt and hopelessness for getting pregnant during a pandemic… or not being able to give your kids what they need to survive and thrive…
    No need for those panicked worse case scenario ideas around here. “We stiill got hope” is what I hear from many today.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      December 30, 2020 at 3:50 pm

      Awe Beth you’re a breath of fresh air. Giving has happened around here too, but living in a big city you really don’t see it happen in front of you like you can in rural areas.

      I’m perfectly fine and content with my life, it’s good, better than ever so many. I just sometimes get down in the dumps because I still want to be the person I used to be and that’s never going to happen. I was so proud (which always goes before a fall) that I was weathering the pandemic so well, then the rain came and while we don’t live in a rain forest technically, we might as well be for the 50+ inches we get every year. Rain is my nemesis, I need the sun, the brightness.

      Stay just as you are Beth, never change into an old grumpy person like me.


      • beth62

        January 1, 2021 at 3:10 am

        I’m afraid it’s too late for any dreams of me not being a grumpy ole b.
        Pain and rain don’t help much at all.
        I saw Julia on antenna tv this morning. She’s 102. She’s survived the Spanish Flu, Cancer and Covid19.
        Her advice, always look at the bright side of things ๐Ÿ™‚

        There’s been record annual rainfalls in my parts of the world this year. Half or more of the fields are still swamped, and flash floods in the hills made a huge mess of the mess the windy storms had already made. And when the sun did shine, it’s was 100+ degrees everyday for a month.
        I hear ya. It’s hard not to let it get to ya. I fail, a lot, especially with the darkness, and the wind, and scary windy storms. The wind scares the crap out of me now. Add in the heavy mess, washed out roads and bridges, tree limbs and trees everywhere. I’m not sure how it could dry up enough by spring to plant anything much, other than a tractor. It’s supposed to start raining again tonight of course. I’m a little ramfeezled, too.

        Alright then, the bright side, ugh, keep looking at it right? ๐Ÿ˜‰
        It’s like exercising, yuck. Luckily, Light is a common thread.

        3x Grumpy Great Grandpa said, “No worries, the sun will win again, it’s still out there, you can’t see the rain all day without it ya know. ”

        My best friend and grumpiest old b on the planet says, “Wa wa wa, somebody call the wambulance, ya’ll always cryin, no rain, too much rain, no wind, too much wind, too much sun, too hot, too cold. Save it, or you’ll be cryin all the time, it’s just gonna keep changing like everything else. And yer gonna have to deal with it just like everything else. You think you’re gonna melt out there sweetie? Don’t just sit there if ya don’t have to, it might be smart to park a #$%^ @#&^ boat over here near my %$^& door if ya wanna do somethin!”
        (told ya she’s good at grumpy, and bossin’, she whines more than any of us put together. And she has somebody else’s boat parked in her driveway today, even tho she won’t need it, and I’ve been takin lessons for a long while)

        The pilot who never gives up said, at 1am, What, wait for dawn? Why? It’s not raining that hard and that sun is still out here, or I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. See, you can see my hand waving in yours, and off he flew closer to the reflection of it, to take care of business, anyway.

        The days are getting longer now, we’ve made it past the deep dark hole again.

        I can’t quit glowing about this. My grandson got a fresh white Christmas morning in his cozy mountain home, the first Christmas and snow that he might remember. He bypassed toys and went straight for the chocolate in his stocking, walked past the presents and got his coat, ready to play in the snow like he’s seen in his books. He told me all about how he thinks Santa works and how the angels and snowmen help him find the good children LOL He recited the entire Night Before Christmas poem perfectly by memory and almost made me faint.
        He gave me the best present ever – he told everybody I was his “most very bestest friend”.

        even more twisted and flipped bright side thoughts
        We can probably ice skate on the lower fields soon
        Plenty of trees down this year = plenty of firewood for all, and a new opportunity for something else to grow in the sun that all of those trees have been blocking for decades, some for centuries. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        The ponds and lakes are full of new water, aquifers and wells and rain barrels too.
        The rivers and creeks got a good washing. And some of the fields got a new covering of silt.
        Trees on the roof = new roof for “free”.
        I’m keeping my outdoor lights up, they make me happy. They’ll be on for all of 2021. How can ya not love solar power?
        I’m told I’m easy to shop for, so I get all the cool new junk, lighting and gadgets of the season.
        I even got lights that look like rainfall ๐Ÿ˜€
        And a “neck fan”. Brilliant!!!! A brilliant dream come true.

        I think we all might be in need of some more laughs, and even more lumens!
        Lumens are important. For real. And man makes lumens too, because they’re important, buy some bright ones. I could do surgery in my new kitchen it’s so bright in there, on purpose.

        Open curtains, all the way!, turn on bright lights during the day!
        I can’t remember who said that, but seriously, all the way!

        I’m pretending it’s summer until it’s summer. It starts getting gradually dark inside my house at 9:15pm, I set the fancy smart timer. I know it’s time to quit working or playing and eat supper, chill and then I get to go to bed in the pitch dark. Yay. So dark I can’t see my hand in front of my face. Dark like in a cave, on purpose. I can see sparks in my bedroom if I chew up a lifesaver, with my mouth open.
        Obviously I have issues with studying light and dark.

        Another ancient and strong one I get to talk to often says, “Worry about what we got that still works for something, and what we Can do. The rest isn’t up to us.”

        That’s all I got today, ramfoozled now, it’s dark inside ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope you sleep well, it’s important too


  5. beth62

    January 3, 2021 at 2:34 pm

    some serious rain grumpy ๐Ÿ™‚


  6. beth62

    January 3, 2021 at 2:37 pm

    that rabbit hole is hell in the rain


  7. beth62

    January 13, 2021 at 4:38 pm

    “…but I must start doing something”
    So, what did you find to do? ๐Ÿ™‚


    • TAO

      January 13, 2021 at 4:53 pm

      I made chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and we ate them all; then I made brownies with walnuts and chocolate frosting and they only lasted a few days, then I made chocolate cupcakes with just chocolate frosting. In between those I left the car lights on and days later found out the battery was flat, it charged so that made me happy and I learned all about charging batteries.

      Copious amounts of chocolate and walnuts over a very short season seems to have washed the blues away. I even realized spring is just a few short months away and framing it that way made it lighter.

      Thanks Beth


  8. beth62

    January 13, 2021 at 9:12 pm

    Happy to hear that. Me too, chocolate is a dear short seasoned friend of mine, walnuts make it even more healthy ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m a true believer in cake therapy.
    I noticed some things outside, no doubt spring is on it’s way. Then had a bit of a panic when I looked at my get it done before spring list. Too many bright ideas on that thing! Now I’m trying to be a little more realistic by crossing much off of the list.
    I guess I have a bad habit of before spring panic from trying to make money and feed everybody from the fields for so long. It’s one hell of a window.
    I don’t have to do that anymore. I gave all that to other’s to panic about, and they happily send me payments so that they can panic about it.
    Their spring panic has obviously ensued, judging by the recent stressed texts and calls.
    I’m terrible proud of their successes, and know they will continue. I do feel for em tho, I tried to explain it, but they asked for it, got it, and now it’s not my turn anymore ๐Ÿ˜€
    It’s no real big deal if most of my personal spring list doesn’t get done in time, or at all now that I look at it again. I guess change takes a while to figure out. :/

    I potted a couple more avocado trees today that I started from the seeds of avocadoes I ate. I’ve never gotten them to grow this well before, few have made it to the pot. I must have a window that makes them happy here. Now I’m not sure what I’ll do with them. Learning about batteries or avocado trees, or whatever, is usually time well spent. Better than the blues anyway!


    • TAO

      January 14, 2021 at 12:12 am

      You always lift me up Beth. Today the sun was shining, took my baby cat out on his Harnish & leash – yeah, it’s a thing, who’d have thought. He doesn’t mind it and it’s better than coming home to find another friend didn’t mix with the cars in the city. Anyways, I think he’s confused, I think he thinks he’s a dog because I tell him what to do and he does it, only had one cat like that, the one that went on the road in the semi with me and my ex – her name was Dickons ๐Ÿ™‚ and she’d crawl out the window and sit on the hood and watch the crane or forklift unload whatever we were hauling on the flatdeck. The old days when I was young and knew everything. Happy New Year to you and your crew.


  9. beth62

    January 14, 2021 at 3:22 pm

    Good ๐Ÿ™‚
    Seriously, a baby cat dog on a leash in the sunshine, I’m not sure if it ever gets much better than that.
    I remember when I was younger and knew everything, yeah, it was great, until everything kicked my ass.
    I know one thing for certain, I’m not turning on the TV today. Everybody’s BS is way too deep for me.
    And I may not answer the phone either. It lights a fire in me to hear and see so many loved one’s ill equipped outside on duty and napping on the marble floor. Their cries of hunger and crappy food and being cold. When I invite them to my house I feed and house them well, and with respect. I expect Our House to do the same. Have talked to dozens of moms and wives that don’t want to hear it either, and are boiling over. The problem of the day, unlike most previous deployments, they can drive there in hours, some in a hour or less. Scrappy little Mz C left at 4am to “go feed my boys and take them more ca$h, cause somebody’s got to do it”. Lord help us all LOL I feel guilty for not alerting someone. I have no doubt that she will be just fine on her gravy warpath, it’s others we should worry about. I know ears will be chewed today. I envision a barrage of biscuits for anyone that comes between her and her grandsons and nephews. I can only imagine two ways for it to go, she gets escorted by happy grandma lovin’ biscuit eaters far far away, with ears in her teeth, or they make her the new Queen of the world. Neither outcome would surprise me.
    Today, I just don’t wanna know.
    Have had a couple days of sunshine and no wind, then rain and cold again tomorrow. I think I’ll play with my drone today, need more practice. Now that the leaves are off the trees I can see more, found out it’s also harder to see the lone naked branches that reach out and grab my toy! But it does fall to the ground better without all the leaves in the way, and it’s easier to find in the dead brush… :/

    Liked by 1 person

  10. beth62

    January 15, 2021 at 2:42 pm

    I found it! I found it! But not so sure how I am going to retrieve it…
    That’s my current skill level with drone flying

    Liked by 1 person

  11. TAO

    January 20, 2021 at 6:39 pm

  12. Robyn C

    January 22, 2021 at 6:17 am

    “Has anyone seen churches step up in this area and seek to help a struggling soon to be mother (or mother) to have a safe place to get through this, if youโ€™ve seen it, drop a link in the comments. ”

    My dad’s church, which was my church as a child, works with and raises funds for a group called the Bay Area Crisis Nursery. ( I know it’s not exactly what you were looking for, but I thought the Crisis Nursery itself might interest you.


    • TAO

      January 22, 2021 at 1:59 pm

      Thanks Robyn.


    • TAO

      January 22, 2021 at 2:00 pm

      Close enough.


  13. beth62

    January 27, 2021 at 2:54 pm

    I heard the baby boom is a bust. How does one find out if that’s actually true or not?



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