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Does Truth and Adoption Ever Mix?

13 Oct

How about adoptive parents, specifically those who adopt via domestic infant adoption just say the quiet part out loud.

You adopted because you couldn’t have your own children.

And for those in the back frantically saying – how dare you? Or saying I always wanted to adopt; but leaving off the rest of the sentence ‘after I had my own first’.

It’s time to be real.

At some point we (adoptees) get it.

And it’s true, isn’t it. Yes, there is a small sliver of adoptive parents this doesn’t apply to, but for the majority it does.

I’m tired, tired of the hypocrisy, hypocrisy that you can’t miss, especially when every adoption story starts with a rendition of your journey through infertility, the pain, the losses, the money spent trying for years to have your own.

Own it.

And own the reason why some open adoptions close is also wrapped up in all of this, once the adoption is finalized the need to play along no longer exists. 

And if you adopted to save a child, boost your cred, make you seem heroic, be part of your ‘in crowd’, or seem more godly, own that too.

Start from a place of honesty, respect your child enough to own your truth.

That’s what adoptees need.

 
10 Comments

Posted by on October 13, 2020 in Uncategorized

 

10 responses to “Does Truth and Adoption Ever Mix?

  1. Laksh

    October 13, 2020 at 2:46 pm

    Yes. Honesty is what is needed. As hard as it is owning up to how my children came to be, it is immensely freeing to all of us, to just be.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      October 13, 2020 at 3:17 pm

      Truth makes for solid relationships in the long run.

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • beth62

        October 13, 2020 at 4:05 pm

        Truth and trust are at the core of true bonding and/or attachment.
        It’s necessary, and not something that can be ignored or put off.
        It’s not a test you want to plan to cram for at the last minute, when the day comes.
        The day will come, most everybody “gets it”, now or eventually.
        This one takes a lifetime of study, and acceptance, together.

        Liked by 2 people

         
  2. maryleesdream

    October 14, 2020 at 3:16 am

    Ah, the truth. My adoptive parents tried to hide it, but I always knew. After I found my family, when I was almost 50 years old, my adoptive mother said, “don’t you think that I wanted my own?”.

    That was the truth. She never said it before, but I knew it anyway. Hearing it was still hard. Didn’t she think I wanted my own too?

    I realized we were just stuck together, neither of us really wanting the other. But just linked together in a terrible relationship. The difference was, she chose to adopt. She didn’t choose to be infertile. She could have learned to live with it. I had no choice.

    I was relinquished though, so someone would have had to raise me. My mother was not going to. This is the truth.

    Like

     
    • TAO

      October 14, 2020 at 12:28 pm

      Hugs and thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • Tiffany

      October 14, 2020 at 5:42 pm

      “Didn’t she think I wanted my own too?”

      That made me stop dead reading and go back and read it again.

      Powerful. I don’t think I have read any adoptee phrase it quite this way, using an APs words against them like that. There is so much truth in what you said, and we APs do not see how the tables are turned. We got what we wanted at high cost to an innocent child’s loss of exactly the same thing.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  3. Tiffany

    October 14, 2020 at 5:40 pm

    I’m an AP. I’ll add to this that the exceptions to this statement can stay quiet. It’s not really necessary to defend yourself against everything said about a group to whom you belong. Sometimes, the shoe fits most people in that group, so that means you all wear it, even if it doesn’t personally fit you.

    There is no denying that what fuels most of the adoption industry is the inability to have one’s own child. Until we start confronting that, and the unethical practices fueled by people willing to do anything to fulfill a desire that they are incapable of doing without someone else’s child, then we cannot fix the problems.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      October 14, 2020 at 7:13 pm

      You always make me smile Tiffany, that you’ve held these views all along makes you one of the few. Cheers

      Like

       
      • Tiffany

        October 14, 2020 at 8:08 pm

        It’s all from adoptees sharing so much of themselves so that I can learn. ❤ I appreciate you TAO, and all that you do and say and share. I know it cannot be easy.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          October 14, 2020 at 8:22 pm

          Thanks Tiffany – just to remind you, you’re always welcome to do a post here.

          Like

           

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