Musing on Adoption and More

26 Sep

When did it become okay to treat Adoptive Parents as the enemy? Yes, they benefit from how adoption is currently practiced and many of the practices are wrong anyway you look at it, but the question remains – when did it become okay to be nasty for the sake of being nasty?

Maybe I’m just too old to understand.

Maybe the other Adoptees are right and I’m wrong.

Maybe I’m right and they are the ones who can’t see that being nasty doesn’t work.

Maybe the world changed; people changed and shaming is the only way to change anything. If that is true then we are all in a heap of trouble with no way to move into a kinder, gentler world. I hope not.

And if it’s okay to treat Adoptive Parents as the enemy, are we to treat First Mom’s as saints? Or are First Mom’s the enemy too?

This labelling as good or bad to an entire segment(s) in adoption doesn’t make any sense for the simple fact that both adoptive parents and first mom’s all have the ability to go online and a) learn the laws, b) listen to those who have been there done that already, do their due diligence. Some will, some won’t.

While first mom’s may be coached that they need to decide now, whether it’s to choose adoption and make a plan, or when they’ve given birth that it’s time to sign away their parental rights as soon as that state law allows. The reality is that they aren’t under a timeframe, which, if they knew the law they’d know. They’d know they do not have to surrender their parental rights within hours of birth or even start the adoption process before the babe is born.

The adoptive parents would also know all of that if they’d done their due diligence and would be bold in stating that to support a very vulnerable mother. Both parties would know all that if they even spent just a couple of hours digging into what adoption is, what can happen and does.

Adoptive Parents need to own that they will be held to account for their choices and actions.

That they must also do their due diligence, read the actual law in the state (or states), know what current adoption practices do not pass the smell test if they were a first mom and refuse to be party to it. How you adopt matters, if you don’t think it does, ask any group of adoptive parents what they regret about how their adoption worked, what mistakes they made. If they are honest, and I truly hope they are, they’ll tell you all the different ways they failed and wish they could have done differently. Learn from them, don’t learn from those who claim they made no mistakes or have any regrets – they wouldn’t know an ethical fail if it slapped them in the face.

Both Expectant Mom’s and Hopeful Adoptive Parents are adults.

You have to own your actions because you are an adult. I have to, despite wishing I didn’t and some of my mistakes regularly haunt me, which is also a good reminder that I am fallible and need to research and know as best I can, so if I fail, at least I know I did the best I could.

I also give no pass to Adoption Agencies.

As both non-profits and working in a child welfare category – there are no excuses, none. If they are truly acting in the best interests of the child, they’d be counselling an expectant mother to not panic, find her the resources to truly help her have the time both pre and post birth to reassess; to think deeply and try to figure out if she can parent and provide a safe haven for it to happen.

As a non-profit business I’m sure many, if not all adoption agencies chose to sign up for the government loans available due to the pandemic, loans you probably don’t have to pay back (feel free to correct me if I’m wrong). Do your duty and more because you know the pandemic is playing a larger role for many expectant mother’s, and it’s your mandate as both a non-profit and child welfare category to provide a safe place and with your expertise in everything available to help her, first see whether she can parent. If you don’t do that for her, do it for the child, because you know that children first belong within their family when possible, you also know that not parenting is probably not her first choice. Be there, prove you truly are there for expectant mother’s and babes to stay together, walk the walk, just don’t talk the walk.

Challenge to Adoption Agencies – respond to this post and tell us how you are walking the walk, tell us how many expectant mother’s chose to parent partly because of your help. Show you truly are in this for the right reasons. Show me. Show us.


Posted by on September 26, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


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25 responses to “Musing on Adoption and More

  1. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    September 26, 2020 at 4:16 pm

    Not all expectant moms are adults.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 26, 2020 at 4:19 pm

      Of course they aren’t, the majority are.


  2. Lara/Trace

    September 26, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    I’d be interested in what adoption agencies have to say. Obviously their marketing is changing.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    September 26, 2020 at 6:10 pm

    “Maybe the world changed; people changed and shaming is the only way to change anything.” Perhaps the shaming is karma? Some adopters infer that first mothers are loose women, drug addicts, alcoholics and ne’er-do-wells. Perhaps the shaming is payback for the profound shame directed at girls with out-of-wedlock pregnancies in the last century.

    Are people being nasty for the sake of being nasty? Or are they just expressing feelings they had to bottle up for most of their lives?! I guess it depends on perception.

    Nastiness may occur when adoptive parents imply or outwardly declare that an adoptive parent has only one family and that is the adoptive family. In some cases, an adoptive parent may work very hard to prevent adopted persons from knowing anything about their first family. In some cases, the adopters may threaten to disinherit their adopted “child.” They force the adopted person to “choose.” Having to choose (either way) results in loss.

    Why are adopters nasty? Bitterness about unresolved infertility? Insecurity about being “second mother”? The changing concept that adopters are not always perceived as rescuers or as saintly?

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      September 26, 2020 at 6:51 pm

      Books, I know your heart is in the right place, but you are reading this through the lens of a first mom, pretty sure this tells you who I’m talking about in the first part.

      “Maybe the other Adoptees are right and I’m wrong.”

      Then I expand to today’s adoption and if it must happen, it has to be ethical and fair and ramble on.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Raven

    September 27, 2020 at 9:37 am

    TAO, I agree. People need to grow up and take responsibility for their decisions and actions. I was only 16 when I got pregnant in 1971. My classmates didn’t judge me when I signed the relinquishment papers because we all knew the consequences if we got pregnant. I think the other girls heaved a sigh of relief that it wasn’t happening to them. I didn’t have any realistic options, other than adoption. Sure, I could have run away and lived in a crashpad or under the pier, but is that any way for a child to start out in life? I wish my parents had been supportive, but they weren’t. It is what it is.

    I get so frustrated in the bmom-only groups. The constant victimhood and whining get under my skin. The vast majority are fully grown adults, and I don’t understand why they didn’t research adoption laws and practices. I knew more about my legal rights at the age of 16 than many of the new moms in their late 20s and 30s in the modern world of adoption.

    I don’t know how to reach them in any meaningful way. I’m getting too old.


    • TAO

      September 27, 2020 at 2:39 pm

      No, no way to start out in life.

      I get seething anger at things, I’m that way re FHH and the lack of giving a damn by adoption professionals. I don’t get the seething anger for some things, it’s life, we all have bad things happen.


    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      September 27, 2020 at 6:21 pm

      Raven, you were able to absolve yourself because of your age (only 16) and the fact that your parents were not supportive. Good for you! Other first mothers have different experiences and react to loss in different ways. You are frustrated because other first mothers did not have the knowledge and insight you had as a 16-year-old.

      I’m thinking that adoption agencies would love to have you as a spokesperson. You could speak about your own experience and how you abhor victimhood — that women with an untimely pregnancy need to examine what they can give to the child, as opposed to what an infertile couple can give. You can explain that you have taken responsibility for your decisions and actions, and there is no reason that others cannot be like you.

      I think you would fit into the pro-adoption scene better than a b-mom only group, who are trying to process grief, and maybe don’t need a lecture from someone who projects oneself as exceptional (i.e., someone who takes responsibility and is judgmental of those who perceive themselves as victims).

      You say that you are old, which means you have had a long time to process your experience and put it in perspective of a long life filled with multiple experiences. Perhaps you don’t fit in to the group you are in.


  5. Raven

    September 27, 2020 at 9:39 pm

    BOOKS, it must be nice for you to know all about people who you’ve never met. Judgmental?? Look in the mirror. I’ve been involved in the reform movement since 1979, when I first joined CUB.


    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      September 27, 2020 at 10:55 pm

      In your initial comment on this page, I did realize I knew almost nothing about you. I wished you would have explained yourself more when judging “whining” first mothers. That would have helped us understand where you were coming from. Writing what I did, I knew my opinions would bring you out of the woodwork! So, thanks for replying to my comment!

      However! You still haven’t told us who you really are. If you joined CUB in 1979, I would think you would be open with us about who you are. After all, 40 years have passed and you still post as Raven? Maybe if we knew about your activism in adoption reform, we would not be forced to make assumptions. Please tell us about your experience in the last 40 years that causes you to judge first mothers as “whiners.”

      Am I the only one who gets turned off by your judgments? How do people in your birthmom group react when you judge them as whiners? Do they thank you for being supportive? Please advise.


      • Raven

        October 1, 2020 at 10:53 am

        BOOKS, I accept your gracious apology. I can tell it comes from your heart. Let’s wipe the slate clean, and start over.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Raven

    September 28, 2020 at 12:34 am

    God, look in the damn mirror. Nobody knows who the hell you are. TAO and most of her followers know who I am in real life. We’ve been friends for a long, long time. I have no wish to continue this conversation with you. You aren’t worth the time or energy.


    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      September 28, 2020 at 1:52 am

      Raven, tell me your thoughts but please be nice………..


  7. Raven

    September 28, 2020 at 7:37 am

    And which thoughts do you want to hear, Lady Prescott? Or should I address you as Pauline or Tilly? I’m not used to talking with a rich baroness.


    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      September 30, 2020 at 10:26 pm

      RAVEN, I think I have learned more about you since first reacting to your post about your frustration in bmom-only groups. You have suffered unspeakable pain, related to adoption loss. In conclusion, I wish I had not reacted to your post. That must have added to your pain (besides making you angry). I am deeply sorry, Raven. I hope my apology softens the hurt you must have felt. I hope readers understand that I have learned a lesson from this. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.


  8. beth62

    September 28, 2020 at 3:23 pm

    hmmm which will I choose today…. “nasty” or “fine”
    abandoner/vulture/captured or mother/adopted mother/free.
    How about both!?
    Glad I’m old enough to know it’s up to me 😀


  9. beth62

    September 28, 2020 at 3:46 pm

    About “nasty”
    I think many may have forgotten, or never knew, (while safely typing about how kind, just and understanding it all should be, and then shaming and attacking possible enemies, or those flying other flags, or those flying no flag) what can happen in real life with people you are nasty to.

    Many may walk away, many more will reach out and touch you. Even if you preach non-violence, empathy and kindness as the way to go, while you spread hate as if it’s some sort of exclusive kindness.


  10. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    September 28, 2020 at 7:36 pm

    I apologize to readers for my overzealous defense of “whining” first mothers. Clearly, I read too much into a poster’s remarks and made incorrect assumptions. My apology for stepping on sensitive toes. This site has so much insight and education, a quality website. I will be more vigilant about future comments.

    Thank you!


  11. Paige Adams Strickland

    September 28, 2020 at 8:17 pm

    Well said!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. beth62

    September 29, 2020 at 1:47 pm

    “And if it’s okay to treat Adoptive Parents as the enemy, are we to treat First Mom’s as saints? Or are First Mom’s the enemy too?”

    I’ve learned that when you hold anger for “Mother” all mothers become suspect.
    You may also find an anxious attachment to any mother that sticks around, when you can’t find enough peace with “Mother”.


  13. beth62

    October 8, 2020 at 2:07 pm

    “Maybe the other Adoptees are right and I’m wrong.”

    Maybe we are all right, and all wrong 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. L4R

    October 8, 2020 at 9:12 pm

    I think some of the anger is just venting rage at a current point in one’s adoption journey. I don’t think I’ve ever raged at adoptive parents with a blanket statement. But, I do understand the anger that rears its head from time to time. It needs to go somewhere, and, for some, the easiest target is adoptive parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      October 11, 2020 at 5:01 pm

      I’m sure you are right and maybe I’m just getting too old to see that.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Joy Smith

    November 23, 2020 at 9:46 pm

    Wow as someone who was adopted 60 years ago, I have never come across such judgmental comments in all my life. I searched to see what was out there in support of people who were adopted. I’ll give this blog a miss thanks. Hope you all find happiness in life.

    Liked by 1 person


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