What adoption shouldn’t be.

05 Jul

Long-time adoption agencies and lawyers have been dealing with adoption for decades, nothing new there, except they now compete, co-exist with an ever expanding list of *new and improved* so-called adoption service providers who call themselves consultants, whose goal is to get you (a hopeful adoptive parent) a baby, and fast.

One way this new service works is focus on *adoption friendly states*; code for states that mostly allow a mother to irrevocably sign away her parental rights with 48 hours of going through labor and delivery, not to mention having the prospective parents attend the birth and hovering nearby. <- you all know I think this is wrong and promoting working in states with quick revocation of rights, instead of, wanting a mother to have all the time they need to say hello, spend some time with her baby, and taking all the time she needs to reconsider if this is what she truly wants to do.

I’ve perused several of these adoption consultant websites and they all make me sad and mad.

This is not what adoption should look like. Adoption should be child-centered, not catering to the ones hoping to adopt the faster the better. Who knows if they’d even know an ethical lapse if they saw it, and if they did, what their response would be, or would it be just like targeting only states with quick revocation. Another common thing they seem to note is that your adoption profile should not be created by you, a professional should create that for you…

It all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and it certainly isn’t child-centered, and I’m pretty sure no one asks themselves if that particular baby will be a good fit for that family.

Look, I know you go into adoption to adopt. But what you are doing to adopt shouldn’t be a competition, rushed, or created to make you look ultra special and absolutely perfect, and it surely shouldn’t be because someone else crafted the words used, decided how to describe your life, you, your world into something it isn’t.

Adoption should only happen after all preservation options available have failed; and there is no other choice than make the baby an orphan so it can be adopted.

The flip side of the above is when an expectant mother in a crisis looks into adoption and is handed a selection of glossy versions of what adoptive parents look like, how much more they have to offer your baby than you do. What the expectant mother doesn’t get as far as I can tell is real, actionable counseling and assistance where she can see and apply for help, benefits, medical, food, diaper banks close by so she can honestly see if parenting is possible, showing her a way forward without loosing her baby. And I’m left to wonder if anyone ever tells her that she is enough for her baby, that we don’t need all the fancy stuff, that it’s the relationship that matters. That all a baby wants is to be loved and cared for, instead of a baby loosing her mother within hours of being born.

Imagine an adoption agency that celebrates every family they saved, rather than celebrate those they couldn’t save. Because that should be the goal every time for a child welfare agency, to first do no harm, and adoption as the last resort, that adoption is not the go to solution, it is the option of there is no other way.

This post happened because I was musing on the subject that every single adoptee first looses their mother, their family, their history when they become a paper orphan, all so they can become someone they weren’t born to be, nor meant to be.

I’m including this post that speaks to the only present I remember from childhood.






Posted by on July 5, 2020 in Adoption, Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , ,

11 responses to “What adoption shouldn’t be.

  1. Laksh

    July 5, 2020 at 10:10 pm

    Yes to everything you state here.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Heather

    July 6, 2020 at 5:08 am

    No one who earns money from adoption will ever tell a pregnant person “that she is enough for her baby, that we don’t need all the fancy stuff, that it’s the relationship that matters. That all a baby wants is to be loved and cared for, instead of a baby losing her mother within hours of being born.”

    I wish someone would.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Lara/Trace

    July 7, 2020 at 1:46 am

    The thought occured to me reading this that we are STILL in a world where a mother doesn’t know what adopting out her baby will do TO the baby. Why is that? What world doesn’t know how adoptees feel, after all this time?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heather

      July 7, 2020 at 2:36 am

      Or they do know and the ones who have the power and the money don’t want to acknowledge what adoption does to the baby. Definitely an “ignorance is bliss” mentality.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lara/Trace

        July 7, 2020 at 3:50 pm

        I think there is a reason the adoption industry has silenced us. Since 2004 when I started reading about adoption and doing research, none of the scary medical information was out there in public. I understand not that nothing will stand in the way of a billion dollar industry.

        Liked by 1 person

    • beth62

      July 7, 2020 at 1:03 pm

      I knew it, because I was Adopted.
      I’ll never forget the first adoptee I knew that chose adoption, during pregnancy, for her first born.
      I was in complete shock, I did not understand.
      If I knew then, what I know now, I could have been more help to her.

      I think of her nearly every day, she’s well worth my thoughts. I have a chapter of her story, and I’ve held it tight, added what I could, and kept it close for forty years. I’ve left crumbs around everywhere, so if her son does come looking, or his children, or her own lost mother … at least they’ll have something to find to know more of her.

      I wish I could have known about the high risk of suicide for Adoptees, before I watched so many fall and figured it out on my own.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lara/Trace

        July 7, 2020 at 3:48 pm

        Beth, it’s ironic I knew every adoptee in my high school and we were knowing of what it meant. My best friend was murdered when she was 22 – her self-esteem was low and she chose an abuser. If I could go back in time and save her, I’d give my life to do it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • beth62

          July 7, 2020 at 5:04 pm

          If only…
          Whew, sorry, having a tough day today. The last picture of her I have was 1979 when a bunch of us rode to Tennessee to see a concert of my father in-laws’ friend Charlie Daniels.
          Only three in that large group photo are left now, and we are all living on the same damn hill. Of the bunch I was with, most all had been ditched, some had escaped, some were Adopted. There was certainly something about it all that drew us together. Yeah, if only 😦

          Liked by 2 people

    • beth62

      July 7, 2020 at 1:18 pm

      I think that most don’t really want to know much of anything about adoptees. They really want to hear that “problems” were fixed and Adoption is good.
      And then they say, Be grateful you weren’t murdered, and most importantly, please shut up or you’ll ruin everything.

      Liked by 2 people

      • TAO

        July 8, 2020 at 5:12 pm

        Yeah, the tell us how we can fix it crowd is immense, they also don’t and can’t understand that you can’t fix it, we can find a way through it, but it is still never fixed.

        Liked by 1 person

        • cb

          July 10, 2020 at 1:53 am

          With the “how can we fix it crowd”, it often comes across as “we want to maintain the status quo in adoption numbers or even increase them because adoption is our only way to become parents, so we want to know how we can “fix problems in adoption” so that we can continue to increase numbers in adoption without feeling guilty about it”.

          The truth is that truly addressing the problems in adoption (which also includes improving social services) will usually mean a great drop in the number of adoptions which isn’t really what those “fix it” people want.



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