At the end of the day, it is what it is.

30 Jun

Longtime readers know I think the world of my folks. You also know I’ve alluded to challenges of an older sibling in different posts.

What I alluded to was actually physical and mental abuse by that sibling. Not aimed at me, but as the youngest, it affected me deeply in so many ways. Ways I’m still trying to mitigate to this day, and obviously fail at times.

I don’t know what mental illness that sibling has as there is ‘nothing wrong with them’, and based on the era and what they knew then, I don’t think what was given was even close, or it was just incomplete. I can’t begin to describe what it was like day to day, and even if there was a dx, doubtful they would have taken the meds. In fact, based on past experience, I know they wouldn’t have.

Over the years the physical abuse tapered off, but the emotional abuse and the manipulation just became more finely honed, targeted to weak spots. Even from afar and recognising it for what it is, it sunk in, it still leaves it’s mark, limited as it is now.

I understand why people rehome their children. I also don’t. Yet, I sometimes wonder who I’d be if that had happened in our family, would it have been better, or worse. For years I’ve thought it would have been worse for me, making me fear that shadow that is always there in the background, ever waiting to remind me that I’d been abandoned once, that it could happen again would become even stronger. Now I don’t know which would have been better for me, but I also know mom and dad couldn’t have lived with giving up on a child they adopted, just not who they were.

Life is complicated. We do what we have to so we survive for another day.


Posted by on June 30, 2020 in Adoption, Uncategorized



7 responses to “At the end of the day, it is what it is.

  1. Laksh

    June 30, 2020 at 3:26 pm

    This is hard. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pauline Trumpi Evans

    June 30, 2020 at 5:35 pm

    We can’t choose our parents, though obviously yours were outstanding. Likewise, we can’t choose our siblings, but they can have a major impact on our lives. I used to think that being an only child is not a good thing. Through the years, I learned that a one-child family has many benefits. What a tough spot you were in, growing up with the situation you describe!
    Yes, life is complicated. Not that excuses for his behavior are helpful to you…but I have to wonder if the sibling has abandonment issues.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      June 30, 2020 at 5:38 pm

      All adoptees whether they recognise it or not have abandonment issues, mom and dad opened that siblings adoption to see if it helped, it probably did. Mom was the one who kept it open, it’s been open 50+ years, wide open.

      The sibling has extreme mental health issues that aren’t fixable.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Pauline Trumpi Evans

        June 30, 2020 at 5:56 pm

        Yes, it’s unfortunate this person never agreed to try medication years ago. After so many years of dysfunction, the mental problems become firmly entrenched. A trail of damage is inflicted on others, and the damage may become unfixable. I am sorry for your loss.

        Liked by 2 people

      • legitimatebastard

        July 1, 2020 at 3:21 am

        I’m so sorry. Some mental health issues cannot be fixed. That makes it hard for everyone in the family. I know what it’s like to live with someone who had mental health issues and denied it all. Crazy-making behavior leaves the rest of the family wondering what is real. And years of therapy to piece it together.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. cb

    July 1, 2020 at 1:36 am

    I can understand people having to put children into residential homes. I have also read that there are times that people have to relinquish their legal rights to their child to get them that care. However, to me, that child would always be part of the family even if they weren’t living with us. I do know of one person in a forum who had to do that but she always still treated the child as her child and she never tried to gain sympathy for herself.

    Although my situation wasn’t as bad as yours, one sibling did have some issues and there was brief talk of temporary residential care but even if things had turned to that, they would always have been my sibling and I doubt that my parents would have turned their back on them either. I was not a great preteen myself and from what I’ve seen in some adoption forums, children have been rehomed for behaviour not too different from mine so I tend to be very wary and treat each case on its own merit.


    • TAO

      July 1, 2020 at 2:32 am

      We are so similar, have similar stories and points of view on the subject. I appreciate you cb.

      Liked by 2 people


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