Bitter? You called adoptee’s bitter?

28 Jun

This thread on FB is well worth your time: Yes I’m Adopted. Don’t Make It Weird.

If you don’t know who they are, they are two adoptees who cater their message to adoptive parents. I’ve only watched a couple of their video’s and they just aren’t my cup of tea, I find them flippant, dismissive, surface level and skirt any deeper feelings, and that doesn’t go well with me, it may be your cup of tea. Whatever. The above thread linked is because they used the old trope adoptive parents use when they don’t like what an adoptee says by calling the adoptee bitter:

As an adoptee you can choose to be bitter or better. Both are justified, one is just better for you.

Nope, you don’t get to call adoptees bitter, you just don’t.

Grab a coffee and dive into a really good pushback and to their credit, they took it. The pushback is not only because they called adoptees bitter, but because they lumped every adoptee into an either/or narrative that remains static. The message also assumes any adoption related feelings are once and done, instead of the reality that adoptees will process being adopted throughout their lives when their lived experiences trigger them.

We aren’t puppets, we are human.


Posted by on June 28, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , ,

13 responses to “Bitter? You called adoptee’s bitter?

  1. Claire 'Word by Word'

    June 28, 2020 at 5:14 pm

    Yes both are justified and can coexist, no it’s not a choice, it’s a lifelong trauma that was initiated before consciousness awakened which explains why some adoptees say as certain stages in their lives, “it didn’t affect me”. Only on one’s deathbed might those words of denial be permitted to be uttered.

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      June 28, 2020 at 5:15 pm



      • Claire 'Word by Word'

        June 28, 2020 at 5:34 pm

        I looked at the thread, perhaps we’ll intended, but feels deliberately provocative and is energy sapping to read, prefer this safe (spellcheck suggested “sage”) πŸ™‚ space.
        Thanks universe.


        • TAO

          June 28, 2020 at 6:56 pm

          You are always welcome to abide here Claire. πŸ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

          • Claire 'Word by Word'

            June 28, 2020 at 7:54 pm

            Thank you, I’m still finding my voice when it comes to talking about adoption, sometimes when I read the articulate responses, it feels intimidating, like one needs a training certificate in how to contribute to the conversation while staying intact.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. pj

    June 28, 2020 at 9:23 pm

    Great points, Tao. Read a few of the comments and then went to their About info and had to laugh…

    β€œYes I’m Adopted. Don’t Make It Weird… is about normalizing the adoption experience.

    Adoption will never be normal !

    Liked by 2 people

    • beth62

      June 29, 2020 at 2:02 pm

      Is it bitter or better to accept that Adoption is not normal? πŸ™‚
      (normal AKA the same.)
      Is it bitter or better to hope that it never has to become normal to encourage mother’s to abandon their children for the better?
      I don’t think I’ve ever found much real peace in bitter or better, I just learned how to swim in it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • TAO

        June 29, 2020 at 2:06 pm

        Exactly Beth, it just is and like so many things in life, you can have all sorts of feelings about it.

        Liked by 1 person

        • beth62

          June 29, 2020 at 6:57 pm

          I feel like normal is not better for me at all. I usually feel like it’s an awful punishment of some kind to be expected to be another person’s normal πŸ™‚ One’s idea of normal, is different than another’s.
          I think if these guys keep at it, they’ll see the twisted words they are playing in, if they want to.
          Just like we did.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. cb

    June 29, 2020 at 1:38 pm

    Sometimes I think they can be funny but quite often like you, I find them dismissive. They also remind me a lot of adoptees who have only ever been in adoptee-only groups, i.e. I don’t know that they really understand the politics of being in a mixed (i.e. AP heavy) adoption group where adoptees can be used against each other, eg they themselves have had some of their posts used by APs to shut down other adoptees (in fact, in my opinon, an AP does that on that very post). They might not always realise that many adoptees get called “bitter” at the drop of a hat and that it is a triggering word.

    I think one of the things that can be hard for adoptees is on the one hand to be considered to be the normal people we are but on other hand, not allow people to use our normality to maintain the status quo in adoption, too often the conversation is like
    Adoptee: “I am an adoptee and I’m a pretty normal” (i.e adoptee wants to be seen as a normal person)
    APs and others: “See? She is adopted and she is pretty normal” (i.e. AP/other wants to maintain the status quo in adoption and wants to use that stated normality of adopted people as proof that adoption is fine as it is”.

    So it is a juggling act to be “seen as a normal person” but also try to challenge people about the complexities of adoption so that people treat it a bit more seriously.

    Not sure if any of that makes sense lol.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. maryleesdream

    June 30, 2020 at 3:11 am

    I have a problem with being told I choose how I feel about things. I don’t think it’s a choice, its just a reality. I feel bitter, because I feel cheated. I was cheated out of growing up with my own mother, and family. This causes uncomfortable feelings, every time I think about it, which is often.
    This does not mean I don’t function. I do, and pretty well. My bitterness, if you want to call it that, is mine. I try not to let it seep into the good places in my life. But it very much exists. I’ve learned to handle it my own way, and I don’t appreciate being told that’s a choice.
    Do these guys also think mentally ill people choose that life? Is depression also a choice? One that these superior guys would never make. They choose the right path, and pity the ones who cannot see the light.

    Liked by 2 people

    • beth62

      June 30, 2020 at 12:42 pm

      I’ve noticed with many of the young men I talk to about this sort of stuff, I’m not sure how to say it…
      Being seen as “well adjusted”, by other men especially, is very important. And with some of them, it was most important. It got in our way often. Luckily I had a bunch of old men hanging around to help teach them how to juggle it. Yeah, you try discussing “well adjusted” with veterans who survived foreign wars, barely. They’ll be “glad” to tell ya where “well adjusted” can take you. :/ They’ve been readjusting ever since! Enough so that few would ever even think to suggest they are well adjusted in any way LOL I guess it’s safer that way. People like to use the well adjusted for their own means.
      Don’t fall for it, it’s usually a trick.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. beth62

    June 30, 2020 at 1:34 pm

    Bitter and better, positive and negative, well adjusted and maladjusted, adopted and biological, both and either, same and different….
    I know there are more swimming around in that pond, nibbling on peoples toes. I know some of them have big teeth.

    You can look at that string of words and see that they are black and white and opposites. AND you can look and see that none of it is black OR white alone and it all swims together.
    It’s the And or the Or that paints the picture.
    I don’t paint with many ORs anymore, not since I found out that All of the truly beautiful colors of life can only be painted with the AND brush.
    Everybody has their own style, and most know style is ever changing.

    Liked by 2 people


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