We need to change how adoption is viewed.

29 May

I struggle to contain my anger when an adopted child’s entire world is taken away from them, I can’t explain in any cohesive way how devastating just the thought of it happening is, nor can I contain my outrage for the industry that placed them in that home.

On Harlow’s Monkey is this article that she was asked to contribute too, about the current story that is reverberating through the adoption community.

Adoption is complicated—and the Myka Stauffer controversy proves it

Personally, I want the National Council for Adoption to weigh in, to task themselves with the challenge of changing the harmful narratives of adoption is beautiful, adoption is love, all those sappy sentiments the adoption community and public recite by rote; and return to the basic premise that finding the right home for a child who needs one is the most important aspect in adoption.

I’m still to upset to even begin to expound on the story, how it highlights the problems with how adoption is viewed both inside the adoption community and in the public’s eye.

If you comment, you can be angry, but please remember to remain civil.

A post from a while ago that links to many posts on the problem of oversharing which this story shows the view when it is taken to the extreme.

“It is impossible to talk about the single story without talking about power. There is a word, an Igbo word, that I think about whenever I think about the power structures of the world, and it is “nkali”. It’s a noun loosely translates to “to be greater than another”. Like our economic and political worlds, stories too are defined by the principal of nkali: how they are told, who tells them, when they are told, how many stories are told, are really dependent on power.”
Chimanda Ngozi Adichie – “The Danger of the Single Story”


Posted by on May 29, 2020 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

5 responses to “We need to change how adoption is viewed.

  1. Dannie

    May 29, 2020 at 8:23 pm

    My coworker adopted her daughter that was a “return” from an adoptive placement because she wasn’t “adapting” quickly. Her daughter had lasting effects from that….and she only spent a month in that other home. I can understand adopting an older elementary/teen and encountering big issues and needing to seek some help via living in a different setting, but most of those settings are still maintaining the child and end goal for them to return home and to retain a family…..but something just doesn’t sit right with these stories of disruption and I just don’t know how to support better screening process for it decreasing????????

    Liked by 1 person

    • TAO

      May 29, 2020 at 10:01 pm

      You’re supporting better processing and screening of would be adoptive parents every time you talk about it, you have the privileged voice to adoption professionals over adoptees or first moms.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. beth62

    June 1, 2020 at 12:28 pm

    I know too many people who have been treated with no respect at all, in this very way.
    I’ve seen it up close. My best buddy and several of our now adult kids were dumped many times, by many stupid stubborn selfish people who suck, and then most of them went to church like all was well, and they were forgiven.

    I’ve seen a church full of them. We, the know nothings, tried to get people to listen. They would not. they called us awful things. I watched that church crumble. I applauded.
    Then we did our best to help clean up the gut wrenching mess.
    We are still cleaning up that mess, a decade later, and always will be.

    It damages something deep within a person, something I’m not sure can be fixed. Repaired, patched up maybe, but fixed? restored? I guess I don’t know, that’s not something I have ever witnessed.
    I got a nasty nasty dent from my first and only ditching, one that requires frequent attention to keep me running smooth. But these guys were broken in half, totaled. Totaled by hopeful adopted not forever families.

    My buddy has worked hard to “fix himself” and find some peace with it. and he has found quite a bit. Over the years he’s chosen and uses this statement when he speaks of his treatments by hopeful adoptive saviours, in peace. It may sound like an ugly thing said in anger to some, but it’s not. To us it’s a peaceful, healing and sad matter of fact…

    “That’s how slaves are made.”

    A matter of fact all involved with Adoption should be furious about, and working to eliminate. Because it Looks bad, because it IS bad, very very very bad. It puts a dirty nasty stain on all.

    It ignites a blaze in me when I think of what was done to our sons, many times over. I tried not to let my flames touch anyone that might read this, honestly not sure if I pulled that off or not, but I hope I got close.


  3. C. (so you can decide whether to post or not )

    June 10, 2020 at 2:10 am

    The first ‘rehoming’ is celebrated and called beautiful, wonderful and sought out, advertised and ‘sold’ to the public as same.

    That is why the narrative has not and will not change.

    Until the first rehoming is viewed properly, with understanding and compassion, if not with the horror that the family separations at the border were met with, nothing will change.

    Under the way it is done now, separating child and mother/family …good. Right?


  4. C. (so you can decide whether to post or not )

    June 10, 2020 at 2:14 am

    Sorry TAO, forgot to change name up a bit so you would get to preview. Delete if you feel it’s not acceptable.




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