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Reflecting

06 May

I’ve been reflecting on how easily I adapt to whatever is thrown in front of me. At the same time, I also feel bad that I simply adjust the wind in my sails and continue on while other’s around me struggle so much. I’m not saying I haven’t have moments of panic or bouts of fear about getting sick, because I did, still do at times, especially when the other half had to do the self-isolation stint.

But I’m okay, mostly, I think.

I’m used to getting bad news about my health. I’m used to overwhelming rushes of hormones coursing through my body. It’s expected, it’s my normal, I allow the news to process through however that looks in the moment and then I research, plan, I do what I can to be prepared.

Maybe I’m not okay, just numb. Looking back, maybe I’ve been numb longer than I can remember; interspersed with times of great joy for sure, but still, always waiting for the next shoe to drop as far back as I can remember.

Life, embrace it when you can, hold onto the joy, absorb it, feel it, really hold onto it. Do what makes you happy in this moment, also be kind to yourself, to others too, but only what you can spare without your foundation starting to crumble around you.

 

 

 
22 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2020 in Adoption

 

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22 responses to “Reflecting

  1. BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

    May 6, 2020 at 5:22 pm

    I hope you get no more bad news about your health. Thank you for the excellent advice about kindness, including kindness to one’s self.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  2. Lori Lavender Luz

    May 8, 2020 at 8:37 pm

    If you’ve received some bad news about health, I am sorry to hear that. It’s great to be able to adapt, but not so great to have to.
    xo

    Like

     
    • TAO

      May 8, 2020 at 8:52 pm

      No, I’m fine, just the history of bad news and how I reacted. Thanks for asking though.

      Like

       
      • beth62

        May 18, 2020 at 2:11 pm

        Good!
        I hear ya, might as well be honest with your self about it, you’re already tough and determined.
        I postponed my lab/mammagraphy/doctor appointments from April to August. With a new doc in my new place. Now I can just worry about more for longer if I want to! No sense in that for sure!

        Like

         
      • beth62

        May 22, 2020 at 1:10 pm

        Are you still fine? One more comment after this one and I’ll boot Books off of the recent comment list… and I’ll win the game!!! Woohoo!
        I think I’ll stick with my mantra for now – no news is good news, no news is good news, no news is good news…

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • TAO

          May 22, 2020 at 1:26 pm

          Yes, been doing okay and playing in the garden – when it isn’t raining. Been looking for the joy.

          Like

           
          • beth62

            May 22, 2020 at 2:16 pm

            I’m happy to hear it. That’s a great place to find some 🙂
            There is a cardinal nest in my unfinished house, it’s all sewn up now with windows and doors, which is a dilemma for the Cardinals. So, I’m leaving a top window open a bit, for a while. Been watching the numerous bunnies have their/my strawberry breakfast everyday, I’ve long given up the notion that I’ll ever see a ripe red one for me lol I’m thinking bunnies could make good companions to cardinals?
            I promised my daughter I wouldn’t move in any dogs, cats, kids or old people into my new home.
            She didn’t say a thing about birds or bunnies. 😉

            When do things start growing there? Is it past tulip time? Have fruit trees blossomed?

            Like

             
            • TAO

              May 22, 2020 at 2:27 pm

              Long past tulips and daffodils, I’m almost done pulling the 10K or so of those beautiful blue bell like flowers that reproduce faster than bunnies. They are the first up in early spring and blue bells is not the right name, but I’ve sent two of those giant bins on wheels to wherever the city sends them. organic to decompose.

              The lilacs are finishing, the peonies ready to bloom, roses blooming, fruit trees done – strawberries just starting. Hey, have you ever heard of Salmon Berries? (salmon colored, grow like raspberries but the salmon berries stay as caps instead of looking like a thimble. Oh and the dahlias are coming up.

              Why would you want to agree to no dogs or cats?

              Like

               
              • beth62

                May 26, 2020 at 2:51 pm

                Gotta love the flowers. I’ve picked salmonberries before, they are so colorful and lovely, a friend insists on mixing them with blueberries or he doesn’t have either. They counteract each other’s intestinal effects he says lol I’m not sure f I believe him.

                On a tall bank next to my driveway the totally overgrown climbing Queen Elizabeth roses are spectacular. The whole side of the hill was bright pink in the sunshine this morning. Made me cry, luckily the smell is so strong it makes you pick up your pace to walk past there. But the breeze everywhere else around here smells lovely. There’s a yellow cliff of honeysuckle right next to it in full bloom, I think it smells better 🙂

                I realized I’m perfectly set up to help build my grandsons kingdom now. It took me a few days to think again after that lol
                It’s my daughter’s turn now. Her brother’s have been hogging me up! We’ve been 400 miles apart for over 15 years. It’s the only long distance relationship I’ve ever kept strong and in tact. No more traveling! Woohoo! She is “the proper” distance from her “mama’s mountain” now, about 15 minutes. I’ve handed it all over to the new Queen, mostly because I just love the sound of, Grand Majesty 😊

                Queen Sister is allergic to cats, and grandson brings his bunny chasing hyper little terrier dog with him, he’s like having ten dogs in one! So, I’m good!
                I don’t even care lol I’m having to make an effort to care about most “details” like that now. I really don’t care. The only thing I’ve been at all picky about is our craftsmanship on my house.lol And even that wasn’t a concern after we, (I and my two buddies, who I’ve worked with well for decades and have been happily quarantined with) realized with all of our crazy experience, our old people patience and wisdom in the plan and set up, the fancy new tools and equipment there are now… We’ve become masters at our crafts. And didn’t even really know it, until we stepped back and looked at what we built together this time. We’ve spent our days recalling all those many times and places where… things weren’t so perfect. And when they stuck me in all the high spots and the holes! They still manage to talk me into that. Bad habits maybe, but I’ve never fallen on them, because they’ve always caught me, and they’ve always pulled me out… Eventually!!

                I’m just so impressed with us. I’m even proud of myself, I’ve been collecting, reclaiming, making and storing pieces for this crazy house of mine for many years, so I didn’t have much to buy. Just putting all that stuff to use finally really is a long planned dream of mine. Cheap for me, but if I had to bill out all those parts and labor, this tiny and solid house built on rock would cost millions. Instead it cost less money than the old Toyota truck I just bought to use as a “golf cart” with heat and cool air!
                Only the echoes of the naysayers taunts remain, and my satisfied winning grin.
                I dunno, this new place was built during waves of grief in this storm, that’s for sure. We can see the hope and love that’s come from many storms, in it. Makes it hard to find words for anything. ⛵

                Like

                 
                • TAO

                  May 26, 2020 at 4:47 pm

                  Awe Beth, sounds perfect, all your treasures surrounding you in a safe place up on a mountain. I’m happy for you and yours.

                  Like

                   
        • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

          May 22, 2020 at 4:25 pm

          Thank you Beth62! Also, Tao, my response on “Are you a HAP…” should be removed by you. What I wrote was more of a stream of consciousness, and not like I usually write. I think my post distracts from the well-thought-out posts by Tao, an adopted person. So, if you remove it, thanks.

          Liked by 1 person

           
          • TAO

            May 22, 2020 at 4:39 pm

            Done, although it felt weird to do so. Take care.

            Liked by 1 person

             
          • beth62

            May 26, 2020 at 2:58 pm

            I couldn’t do it Books! haha But there’s always another way, I got TAO to do it LOL

            Liked by 2 people

             
  3. Nara

    May 9, 2020 at 8:19 pm

    I think adoptees are the ultimate chameleons. We change ourselves to fit our environments. I’ve always been told I was flexible and able to adapt to change. That’s because I spent most of my life trying to prove myself worthy. Now I’m old and I don’t care about pleasing people so much, it turns out I’m less flexible than everyone thought! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      May 9, 2020 at 10:57 pm

      You might be onto something Nara, will have to ‘reflect’ on that for a while, but you’re also usually right. Thanks for stopping by.

      Like

       
    • beth62

      May 16, 2020 at 11:37 am

      I do prefer Adaptee. It’s more accurate, Adaption.
      I’m thinking somebody just had spelling issues, and my spell checked supports that notion.😁

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • Nara

        May 17, 2020 at 3:29 pm

        Haha! Brilliant. I didn’t like the word adoptee for the longest time. I felt like it was like… amputee. But now I’m older I realise it was a result of someone removing something for me. So maybe it makes sense.

        I still feel healthier and happier spending most of my time away from adoptionland though. Is there a word for avoiding and compartmentalising? Avoidee! 😂

        Liked by 2 people

         
        • beth62

          May 18, 2020 at 3:26 am

          I’m a really good Avoidee too haha good one.
          Have been a Distantee lately :/ Disconnectee?
          Ugh
          Sailing along tho ⛵ with a ton of survivor guilt!

          Liked by 1 person

           
        • beth62

          May 18, 2020 at 3:37 am

          I think it makes sense. I’ve noticed that word before too. I think Joe Solo wrote something about adopted and amputee. You can see what an amputee has lost. Adoptee is like being an amputee, but you can’t see what was lost, everybody tells you it’s wonderful, and can’t understand why you would still have pain. He said it way better than that tho 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

           
          • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

            May 18, 2020 at 5:44 am

            “but you can’t see what was lost, everybody tells you it’s wonderful, and can’t understand why you would still have pain.” Grief that is not recognized — disenfranchised grief.

            Liked by 1 person

             
          • beth62

            May 18, 2020 at 1:49 pm

            Arg, Joe Soll*
            The spell checker on my tablet is incompetent, plus thinks it knows better than me, and just does stuff anyway.
            Kinda like my husband 😀

            Like

             

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