It’s Always The Adoptee’s Fault

16 Apr

Apparently, I’m done with my mellow phase…
Rachel responding to another commenter after she created a post about how mean people came to her page and left nasty messages.

“Just wow. I’m sorry. I also think what’s interesting is that “anti-adoption” groups/pages/individuals are disrespectful OF the adoptees we are parenting (IRONIC, isn’t it?)–instead of being supportive/guiding us on HOW to parent our children. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem. If you are going to point fingers at me instead of offering to HELP me raise the kids I was CHOSEN to parent, then I have no business with you. No time. Nope.”

Maybe adoptees aren’t offering to help you Rachel because of how you’ve treated adoptees on FB? Could it be you’ve blocked one too many adoptees who’ve challenged you to do better? Maybe it’s because you’ve used too many adoptees in the past and you have no credibility anymore.

Or maybe it’s because you just don’t know how to listen.

Go into any FB mixed adoption group and listen to the adoptee responses when an adoptive parent brings up a challenge their child is going through and asks for advice. We are everywhere, we may offer slightly different advice, but that advice comes from having lived through that feeling or event and came through it, and what we offer is there for the taking. The secret, though, is that you have to receive it with openness and willingness to hear what is being said, regardless of whether it cuts you to hear it. We expect you to listen to what we’ve said; mull on it and consider if it could help, try it and see if it does. If it does, and you offer that advice to another adoptive parent, then give credit where credit is due.

There were a few comments in the post I appreciated, most not so much. I’m closing with this comment re the meant to be nonsense; those in glass houses should not throw rocks, especially when that saying can be used in the reverse for those dealing with infertility.

“I’ve seen many have negative views about the notion that a different family was meant to raise someone else’s child. As a therapist I think it’s easier for adoptee, from good or bad adoptive families, to blame/lash out at their adoptive families than their biological parents… for whatever reason they have. I hate it for the adoptees and the adoptive parents that are/we’re good homes/families. Everyone processes their grief so differently. I just wish they would get professional help to unpack those feelings rather than trying to make all adoptive families out to be the bad guys.”



Posted by on April 16, 2020 in Adoption


Tags: , , ,

10 responses to “It’s Always The Adoptee’s Fault

  1. Heather

    April 17, 2020 at 2:18 am

    I can’t find the post you’re referencing however I watched the short video posted yesterday of Rachel feeding lines to her little girl with all the hashtags. While the message is supposed to be empowering to me it felt so very cringeworthy and false. Is she using a little girl who is too young to know better to sell her book?

    Reading through some of her other posts are just as bad. Why do people exploit children instead of protect them? Children aren’t a “brand”.

    Liked by 2 people

    • TAO

      April 17, 2020 at 3:04 am

      I don’t know Heather.

      Liked by 1 person

    • beth62

      April 17, 2020 at 3:17 pm

      ? Maybe there’s a fine line between confidently empowering, and defensively empowering.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Raven

      April 18, 2020 at 1:21 am

      Heather, I found the post on Rachel’s FB page. Its posting date is April 15, 3:54 pm.


      • Heather

        April 19, 2020 at 6:28 am

        Thank you Raven. That was helpful. 🙂


  2. beth62

    April 17, 2020 at 2:07 pm

    Oh dear, looks like Rachel is still stuck in that same old ditch. For her own sake I hope she accepts some help from those in the know, before her spunky black kids get older and… write books all of their own 😉 I think chances are good here that at least one out of four will have something to say about it. And mom will have to read it, listen, learn and even try to like it, cause her kid wrote it.
    Hey, there could be a battle between books, that would be interesting. Is there anything written like that now, a back and forth exchange within the family between adopted parent and adult adoptee, about adoption topics? Or a book by an adoptee about their parent’s outdated adoption book?

    I try to imagine what it would be like for her kids when they read those views and comments by mom. I’m sure most of it will be good memories to them, but the rest can spoil most, very quickly. I wonder if mom can see the defensively proud term she’s reacting with to – different? I hope the kids can understand it in time, easily. It can be a struggle for all.

    Being of any color, as well as not living with bio parents, in any capacity, just isn’t a novelty brand to me, or to where I raised my kids. Makes me wonder where she lives?

    I don’t really remember what it was like before I found a clear view of that faithful and proud defensive stance. I think she must notice something of it? I imagine when she gets closer to it, as it grows larger, she will. Of course she could always make a hard turn toward Ignore or Deny LOL It is an option.

    No doubt I’m going quarantine kooky, but it all just reminds me of this joke too much… 😀

    It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
    As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
    The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. “Climb in!” shouted a man in the boat. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
    The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. “No,” replied the man on the roof. “I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me.” So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
    The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
    Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. “Heavenly Father,” he said, “I had faith in you… I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?” God gave him a puzzled look, and replied “I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”


    Liked by 1 person

  3. Raven

    April 18, 2020 at 1:25 am

    I pretty much ignore Rachel, because she irritates the heck out of me. Her staged photos of her children remind me way too much of the Hart kids. I also shy away from attention whores.


    • beth62

      April 18, 2020 at 1:33 pm

      The Harts. Thanks, I was trying to remember that name, I agree, reminded me of it too.
      Also reminded me of my x sister in law. Far too much anxiety goes with worrying about what everyone thinks about you, knowing everything, always being right, and always putting yourself first -for me to handle.


  4. Nara

    April 19, 2020 at 12:21 am

    I just can’t with APs. I feel like I’ve done my time. I no longer believe it’s on adoptees to educate APs. If you have the mental stamina and desire to try and change the world one action at a time then I salute you. I have my life to live, and I just don’t have it in me to dilute my own happiness with these people. Unfortunately it’s only the very small minority who seem to learn anything from adoptee education. And I fear that a lot of adoptees are putting their mental health at risk to try and keep fighting a losing battle. I don’t think I am a better person for stepping away, but I am a happier person who is a nicer person for my family and friends to be around.



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