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A story told in 65 words.

19 Feb

 

 

 

 

There once were two sisters

Both sisters were young adults

Both sisters had steady boyfriends

Both sisters became pregnant within months of the other

One sister had a boyfriend who stood up and they quickly married

The other sister had a boyfriend who quickly walked away

One sister’s child was raised in the family

One sister’s child was adopted out of the family

The end.

 

***Do scroll down in the comments to read Beth’s 65 word story.***

 
38 Comments

Posted by on February 19, 2020 in Adoption

 

Tags: , ,

38 responses to “A story told in 65 words.

  1. Lara/Trace

    February 19, 2020 at 8:38 pm

    I am trying to find a way and the courage to talk to an adoptee who has refused to meet her first mother, who I know personally and lives near me. I want to tell the adoptee that she has two family trees she can explore, aunts and uncles to meet, and so much more. But I am struggling with this.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      February 19, 2020 at 8:51 pm

      I hope you succeed because one day she may want too and it might be too late.

      It is likely fear mixed with feelings of loyalty, yet you’ve offered her the key, something I wouldn’t be able to resist.

      For some reason today I’m really maudlin, don’t know exactly why.

      Liked by 3 people

       
    • Paige Adams Strickland

      February 19, 2020 at 10:55 pm

      I hope one day she will be open to this.

      Liked by 3 people

       
    • Judith Land

      February 24, 2020 at 5:28 pm

      A high percentage of adoptees have an emotional need for a curative and breakthrough reality that would finally make sense out of their disrupted life stories for a variety of reasons. Parents that excessively harp on the negative qualities of the birth parents to instill fear in the adopted child is sometimes manifested as a social phobia based on a fear of public scrutiny that prevents them from stepping out of the shadows. The desire to reunite with other family members seems to peak at about age 30, after adulthood has set in, when the desire for understanding, medical knowledge, and unification becomes priority. For most individuals, with age comes wisdom and a greater sense of forgiveness and understanding.

      Liked by 2 people

       
  2. Diane

    February 19, 2020 at 9:52 pm

    This is very interesting. I have known three adoptees very well who have said that they had no desire or intention of ever looking into finding their first parents. The first man is at least in his late 60’s and both of his adopted parents pasted many years ago so there wasn’t a loyalty issued. The second man was in his middle 40’s with a deceased adopted dad and living mom, they were both gay and always encouraged him and his unrelated adopted sister to search if they wished and the third was a high school girl who may still change her mind but actually gave a speech to her high school that she never would because if her love and contentment and appreciation to her mom and dad for what they have done for her.

    I have learned so much from reading the posts on this site. I have felt so much pain in the words from so many people. There are so many stories. Most share in the same heartaches and voids.

    There are so many sides of adoption. But what is important is for the folks on this site is to be able to come together and share what is important for you, the adopted, in a community where y’all support each other, as you do so well.

    I don’t know why someone wouldn’t want to know their “roots”. To me it is more than basic human nature. It is like a cosmic connection, it is like a pull on the soul that cannot be helped.

    Peace to all.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • TAO

      February 19, 2020 at 10:02 pm

      Thanks Diane – we are all very different. I do think guys can process being adopted differently, not that some don’t feel strongly either way, just different.

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        February 19, 2020 at 11:38 pm

        Tao, thanks for your opinion on guys. Either through biology or through environmental influences (such as the way females are programmed from babyhood on), females have always been about “relationships.” Just an example: Who sends out the Christmas letters to friends, acquaintances and family?! (I know that more recently, these stereotypes are being broken down to some degree.)

        When my son and I had our first conversation, he said, “It’s a good thing you searched for me because I would never have searched for you! I rarely thought about you.”

        The fact we were communicating at all was a high point in my life, after dealing with unresolved loss, anger, PTSD, and lack of validation by others for more than two decades. I want to emphasize that it was a high point! But I feel it was also somewhat tragic that I had to approach reunion from a “one-down” position, a kind of humiliation. In spite of the “high point” and my being *thrilled out of my mind* just to hear my son’s voice, my insignificance remains in my memory.

        My son described a wonderful life with his adoptive parents. I detected that he was the almost perfect adoptee son and his adopted parents had reason to “spoil” him, in a sense.

        In conclusion, there are so many FEELINGS tied into adoption by all members of the adoption triad. It is hoped the online influence will educate people about the hurt caused by adoption — although adoptors are overjoyed to get their fresh-from-the-womb baby.

        Liked by 3 people

         
        • Diane

          February 20, 2020 at 12:37 am

          Reading that your son said he rarely thought about you was a punch in the gut, I can imagine how that felt but I don’t believe it.
          I would bet that comment came from pent up pain.

          Liked by 4 people

           
    • TAO

      February 19, 2020 at 10:04 pm

      As to the loyalty issue – for me, it increased after both mom and dad had passed, even though they were wide-open in approval and acceptance of our other families. No one gets to tread on them.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        February 20, 2020 at 5:21 am

        Tao, I think that many of us almost canonize our parents after they are gone. Losing our parents is life-changing. In many cases, they may have been far from perfect, but we realize their enormous influence on our lives, our way of thinking, etc. They made us who we are! To deny their impact would be to deny parts of our selves.

        Liked by 1 person

         
    • Judith Land

      February 26, 2020 at 9:08 pm

      It is natural to look into our own soul to look for the reasons why we are so tenaciously motivated to discover the identity of our birth mother. To possess an innate desire to achieve self-awareness is part of the maturing process. When that feeling comes alive, desire increases and it becomes difficult to stop the forward momentum, regardless of risk and potential outcome. It is a fact of nature that all living things are born with a biological drive and survival instinct to be with their own kind and return to the place where they were born. Birds fly across continents, turtles swim across oceans, and fish travel a thousand miles upstream to lay their eggs in the place where they were born. Homesickness is a universal and profoundly nostalgic yearning. The way home is a pilgrimage of the road and an ethereal journey of the mind for adoptees—a trip of a lifetime to hallowed ground they are forced to make alone. Overwhelmed by a lack of belonging, they feel the pain of the refugee, disconnected, alienated and separated from their roots—emotionally stranded on a desolate and baron land. Seeking only mercy on an intrinsic and primal level, regardless of the depths of humiliation they may find, they long to pierce the surface reflection to see what lies in the depths below. If only reality could account for itself, they would launch a vision quest to comprehend with empowered insight a surreal vision from God that empirically solves the riddles of the labyrinth and the reasons for their birth.

      Liked by 3 people

       
      • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

        February 26, 2020 at 9:56 pm

        Your post gave me a physiological response — goosebumps! Adoption survivors do look at the animal kingdom in a different way. Maybe the best documentary was the following:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_the_Penguinshttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_the_Penguins

        One line is really attention-grabbing. “When a mother penguin loses its young in a fierce storm, it sometimes attempts to steal another mother’s chick.”

        There are many lessons in “March of the Penguins.” Beauty, loyalty, determination, self-sacrifice, survivor instinct, etc. Plus, a mother dealing with loss and trying to replace what was lost.

        There was no commentary about the reaction of the “first mother” penguin if her baby was stolen. How is she affected short-term and long-term?

        Liked by 3 people

         
        • Judith Land

          March 28, 2020 at 7:32 pm

          The March of the Penguins is a great example of natures cycles that reoccur each year. The French documentary film depicts the yearly journey of the emperor penguins of Antarctica from the sea to their breeding ground.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  3. Pj

    February 19, 2020 at 11:01 pm

    I have 3 adopted brothers, one is my bio. I’ve shared my journey and info, connections and research I’ve collected over the years. But I first asked them if they wanted to hear…While I fully believe mine was a “ cosmic connection”…and a” pull on the soul” …I don’t know if my brothers will ever , at least consciously ,feel the same way.It’s ultimately their own journey and their own decision.

    Liked by 2 people

     
  4. Lara/Trace

    February 21, 2020 at 3:03 am

    I just wanted to add that this adoptee is in New York and her mom is in CT and her adoptive mom is in Florida. I think if I pose a question to her about reunion being private, she may consider it. She refused to meet her mom, my friend, a few years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      February 21, 2020 at 4:05 am

      And that she is the one who controls it. I wish I had words of wisdom but can only think of meet while you can as you never know if you’ll get another chance, many of us never had that chance, rather, a grave was the end of the journey. Good luck.

      Liked by 2 people

       
    • beth62

      February 21, 2020 at 2:27 pm

      Tread lightly and listen more than you talk. That’s all I can think of while I’m waiting on my coffee. Did she give any reasons why she didn’t want to learn more a few years ago??

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Lara/Trace

        February 21, 2020 at 8:08 pm

        Beth, my friend, the birthmom, reached out a few years ago, with an opportunity to meet with the adoptee in CT. It was my friend’s mother’s birthday. The adoptee refused and never gave a reason.

        Like

         
        • beth62

          February 22, 2020 at 3:29 am

          We know how time tends to change things. I think I can understand not wanting to meet in person. Especially at first. Did they ever talk to each other?

          Liked by 2 people

           
          • Lara/Trace

            February 24, 2020 at 7:32 pm

            No, just via letter.

            Like

             
            • beth62

              February 27, 2020 at 3:08 pm

              Well, that doesn’t make it any easier! So she sent an “I’m good, not interested, thanks” letter with no reason, just not interested?
              I think I might try to send an introductory note. Let her know you exist, and can help in the in between, or with questions, from either end. Might feel safer. She might want to talk to another adoptee about things, she may not have that. I think it’s kind to offer such a thing.

              I’ve put myself in the middle of it before. I offered conversation, and he made me his spy 🙂 I had to quit that job eventually, and encouraged him to get in the game if he wanted to play. He did, kinda, then both sides ghosted each other back and forth, for years, and do still. The long distance relationships tend to be distant, no matter how close you are.

              But I did help with answering questions and sharing details between them. And you know, just talking with other adoptees about adopted stuff is usually most helpful. I know I was able to help him understand his beliefs better, about his mother, and “mother”. So, I was able to help with a little.

              Now that I think about it… I’m still in the middle for quite a few of our kids who got separated from their family, and chose to find and or get to know them.
              Mostly what I feel about it in that middle is – arrrrrggg, yuck, yuck, people suck!

              Liked by 2 people

               
              • Lara/Trace

                February 28, 2020 at 4:33 pm

                I can’t even.. Beth. I’m failing at this.

                Like

                 
                • beth62

                  March 1, 2020 at 4:08 am

                  Who knows, that might be the wise thing to do. I could come up with all kinds of reasons not to do it. LoL
                  It is a big deal tho, and a commitment once you’re in. How well do you know your friend? It’s a lot to take on for you, and a lot to ask of you, a lot to offer. And there could be drama :/ plus, you know your own stuff will come up
                  Then again, it could all begin and end with a quick and simple note of kindness. Haha, beware of quick and simple! It’s rare. Sometimes the time is just right, things tend to happen when it is.
                  Maybe it’s not so easy to give up hope that some people change 🙂

                  Liked by 2 people

                   
  5. beth62

    February 21, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    TAO, I really like your 65 word story. Might have to try it myself.
    A 65 word reunion story could be interesting too.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • TAO

      February 21, 2020 at 2:45 pm

      Thanks Beth, removing all the surrounding emotions leaves just the starkness of what is and highlights the stark outcomes and randomness of why you, why not the other one. Also, I was in a mood.

      Do share if you do it, not sure it has to be only 65 words, that to was just how it ended after stripping it down to just the facts,

      Liked by 1 person

       
  6. beth62

    February 21, 2020 at 4:01 pm

    I’ll stick with 65 for the fun of it, so I don’t make it 6565 like usual 🙂
    But your right, the starkness and facts shine bright that way.
    Leads others to think on the possible emotions involved for everyone, and the facts that will be lived with and processed by all involved.

    Liked by 1 person

     
  7. beth62

    February 21, 2020 at 4:20 pm

    I guess I’m in a copycat mood 😊

    There once were two brothers, one at home on leave.

    Both brothers went on double dates with best friends, and booze.

    Both friends became pregnant.

    One brother married.

    One brother, told the pregnancy was a “false alarm”, went abroad.

    One brother’s toddler and wife were hit by a car, his wife survived.

    One brother’s newborn was adopted out of the family, and none knew it.

    Not the end.

    Liked by 2 people

     
    • TAO

      February 22, 2020 at 12:17 am

      Oh wow.

      Like

       
      • beth62

        February 22, 2020 at 3:49 am

        The randomness. And we wonder where the what ifs, and the unattached or floating feelings come from?
        That 65 word thing is pretty cool.

        Like

         
        • TAO

          February 22, 2020 at 3:56 am

          I was thinking about the randomness today, but for…

          Like

           
          • beth62

            February 22, 2020 at 3:13 pm

            I hear ya, hard not to. My old soldiers would say, no sense in worrying about it, if it’s your time, it’s your time, shit happens. Be brave, stand tall, fight back, never give up, keep your eyes open, chin up, and never forget to duck and dodge, or run!

            I put seeds in the dirt yesterday, it’s that time again. All winter it’s hard to imagine hot, sunny and green. But I caught a little glimpse of it yesterday, in the greenhouse. Now I get to see the randomness of how they come up, random is everywhere.

            My buddy always says, Keep and use all your luck, love, chance, and hope. He says he intends to use every last drop of his 😊

            Liked by 3 people

             
  8. Franceen George

    February 27, 2020 at 10:46 pm

    Wow, I could write 6565 words, but will try not to! I am 68 yrs old, adopted (purchased) in the Montreal Black Markey Baby market by wonderful adoptive parents who gave me a good upbringing full of love, wealth, education and a true desire to do the best for me. I found out I was adopted at age 15 accidentally from a boyfriend who thought I should know. I had suspected it anyway. I rebelled severely and my parents and I went through a very rough time – but actually short in the big scheme of things. We got through it. We forgave and loved. I didn’t start searching until my mother passed when I was 44 yrs old (1995). My father had dementia and remembered little. I got nowhere. I sporadically focused on it, got busy, frustrated, let it go. Then my father passed and managed to give me some very important little tidbits of information about my adoption. Autosomal DNA became available and I had time for searching because my beloved husband and my daughter before that, also passed away – that was in 2013. 6 years of struggling with haplogroups, DNA matches and Centimorgans, family trees, surnames, search angels that got nowhere, numerous Facebook groups, paid search companies, and hours and hours in front of a computer, I finally got somewhere! About a month ago a geneticist (paid) told me to focus on two family lines from my DNA matches. Long story, I did that and a family member match (the BEST search angel) unraveled my past. I have now confirmed by DNA who my parents were, via a half sibling from my mother and a half sibling from my father (one led to the other). I will be meeting both in May. I am just now starting to try to adjust to this new life-changing information, situation, and events. I have a lot of emotions – not the least of which is a feeling of “cheating on” my very large and extensive adopted family, many of whom didn’t even know I was adopted. And of course, a feeling of guilt and disloyalty to my adoptive parents who I love and miss dearly. I sometimes wish they were alive to see this breakthrough, and sometimes I’m glad they are not alive to see it. Would I want to meet my natural parents if they were alive, Hell YEAH! I used to tell everyone that I only wanted to know who they were and what they looked like, but not meet them. But I was lying and I knew it. Of course I wanted to meet them, in spite of the fact that it would be very uncomfortable for me to face my adoptive parents and tell them I did that. Since I have never had anyone in my life that was a blood relative (except my daughter who was the spittin image of me and passed at age 23), I REALLY wanted to see what a family resemblance felt like, looked like, etc. That scares me a bit now – what that will feel like.
    I am corresponding with my half siblings, via email in advance of meeting. I think we are all a bit scared. Neither of them had any proof that I actually existed, although both had been told by their parent and other family that I existed – yet they never did anything about it, searched or anything (what do I do with that thought?)………… Anyways, the adoption thing is very complicated from all aspects. I have had huge separation anxiety issues for most of my life and psychologists say that that is common with adopted people. I guess I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to make the whole thing a good outcome and gain some new family members (many) from it that I will continue to have a good relationship with. In April I get to tell my adoptive extended family about my search results. There have been some bad adoption situations in that family, so I hope it doesn’t turn negative on that side. Wish me luck! Sometimes I think Adoption should not exist, be illegal, but then what would be the alternative? That isn’t a good answer either. Again, wish me luck with my reunion, I’m truly stoked for it.

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • Paige Adams Strickland

      February 28, 2020 at 12:00 am

      Best to you, Franceen!

      Liked by 1 person

       
    • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

      February 28, 2020 at 3:24 am

      My first thought is that I am so sorry about your daughter. I can only imagine how painful that must have been. In addition to that, like so many of us, you had to spend a major portion of your life, looking for lost family. I am sorry for all the losses in your life. I do feel it’s sad that so much of your life passed before you could find out about your first family. Thank you for telling us your story — it is very complicated but interesting, especially to us who are adoption survivors.

      Obviously, you are a conscientious and determined person, or you would have given up a long time ago. I am so hoping your reunion goes well. Usually, there are highs and lows, and we need to go into reunion knowing that our expectations are not always met, or that is how it seems. At this point, you have probably read other accounts online from adopted persons, so you are more prepared for what might or might not happen in reunion. Certainly, all who read your story are wishing you the best.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Franceen George

        March 1, 2020 at 8:18 am

        So, after I wrote the above about my story, I received some very earth shattering news. My half-sister (who preferred to forget the “half”) was in a car accident and died at the hospital several hours later. Her son notified me by a msg that I caught the first line of while parking my car in the driveway. I am distressed, sad, confused, anguished. I have plans to go visit her in May! Meet her for the first time. Ask her a million questions, compare notes, looks, traits, likes, dislikes and more. Since 1995 I’ve lost my first child to SIDS, my adoptive mother, my step daughter that I raised, my 23 yr old daughter (mentioned above), my adoptive father, my husband of 19 years (premature and sudden), several first cousins in my adoptive family, several aunts and uncles in the same family, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, several beloved pets (two premature and unexplained), my best friend of 55+ years (from kindergarten to age 65)……. But this death is different, the kind that makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Having spent 20 years searching for my bio family – not knowing who I am, where I came from, how I got where I was, etc. etc, the was a huge setback, a big missed opportunity that would never be available again. I will still go meet my half brother, and my deceased half sister’s son and his family – but it’s not the same. One foot in front of the other………

        Like

         
        • beth62

          March 4, 2020 at 4:15 pm

          Oh Franceen, that’s awful news. A terrible loss, I’m so sorry that happened. I wish I could find something to type that would help, but I know better than that. My thoughts and wishes are for you today. I can’t imagine how your mind and feelings are racing, I hope you can find the strength to carry on with meeting your family. Sounds like your guys might benefit from your presence now more than ever. It’s not fair at all. I was so excited to read your good news, I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet your sister. 😢Hang in there sweetheart, try to keep moving.

          Liked by 2 people

           
        • BOOKS: Sexual Assault, Loss

          March 4, 2020 at 6:05 pm

          Way too many losses in 25 years. One loss piled on top of another…and then another. After all the effort you put into learning about family, a sister snatched away just before you were going to meet her. That is the crowning blow! Frustrating beyond words. Not knowing what might have been. So sorry, and I wish you strength. “One foot in front of the other”….yes.

          Liked by 1 person

           

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